[SchmennaLeigh]

Okay, I'm kinda ticked which is what prompted this discussion. (Thought it would be best posted here for maximum viewership.)

How do you refer to the other side of the triad (from your position)?

My examples since that sounds confusing:

I call D "Munchkin's Mom." When necessary, usually on this forum since titleage can be confusing without clarification, I clarify by saying she is her adoptive Mom. But when speaking to Munchkin, I say, "Go get the toy from your Mom." Now, as friends, we call each other by first names. D refers to me, when not using my first name, as Munchkin's birthmother. (Though I am thinking about talking with her re: being referred to as a firstmother as I'm feeling more comfortable with that title.)

I am actually asking this of all, regardless of whether you're in an open adoption or not. How do you refer to your child's birthmother? How do you refer to your child's adoptive family? Do you always clarify or do you not ever clarify? When forced to clarify, what do you use?

I ask this because I recently found a Mother who refers to her child's birthmom as "a fallen woman." If I was ever. EVER. referred to in such a manner, I'd kick things. Mostly the shins of the namer. Goodness. Have you ever referred to the person in question in a derogatory manner, accidentally or on purpose? Calling your child's parent a baby snatcher? The birthparent an abandoner?

Just curious as to when clarification is necessary in your lives.

[Vogi2002]

OMG how HORRIBLE!!! A fallen woman?? Good greif, it sounds like the Amom has some major issues there!!

I would also be interested in what people have to say on this! I have heard the phrase "natural mother" but I'm not sure I like this, as "natural" to me would say to me "normal" which is a term I hate...but I haven't heard much discussion on it so who knows!!

Natalie

[taramayrn]

You have got to be kidding me Jenna? Joking right?

Ugh...

I refer to my son's family as his family and his parents. Refer to them by their first names.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I also don't like natural Mom. Back to the: D isn't unnatural. Maybe a little abnormal , but aren't we all? (Or: I sure am! LOL)

I don't like having to clarify and thus refer to her as Munchkin's amom, even here. For me, for things to be right in my head, she HAS to be Munchkin's Mom. Does this make sense?

D once asked me if I would just like to be referred to as Munchkin's Mother and, at the time, I didn't. Thankfully, I could do cartwheels when Munchkin says my name (Jenna; which she said over and over when I called the other day). Someday she will get to pick what she calls me and Jenna will be fine with me.

[AwaitingBeloved]

I cringed when I read your post, Jenna.

Fallen woman and baby snatcher.. I know such things have been said in the past, but I had *hoped* those days were gone. You know, eternal optimist that I am. ;-)

I have so much respect for DD's bparents that I have a hard time NOT referring to THEM as her mom and dad. It has been a hard transition for me to call myself "mommy." It's getting easier, but it's not easy by any means.

I can't imagine ever saying anything so horrible about the people who have been so selfless. I know they didn't chose adoption for me, but I am the one who is so grateful (well, DH is, too) for them chosing us.. how could I ever betray them???

How could any aparent? (Not talking about when the bparents should be separated from their kids, i.e. abuse, etc, but the many bparents who voluntarily relinquished for their own reasons.)

How could I do that to DD??? UGH!

People are thick. As my dad would say, "Soft as a grape!!"

[bandareed]

As an adoptive mom, I say "your birthmom" when I talk to my DD, about her bio-mom. When I speak directly to my daughter's bmom, I call her by her first name. In the early days I refered to myself as "K"'s adoptive mom, when I spoke to bmom...not K's mom. Bmom is sensitive and does not consider me as K's mom. Now, I just go by my name...she knows who I am! (On a side note, she lost custody of all her kids, didn't give them up)

Also, one of bmom's children now has a different first name (he was adopted into another family). I always use his new name when talking to my DD (his sister), but use his old name when talking to bmom...out of respect for her. BTW, bmom is not able to have any contact with her kids...so my DD doesn't call her "birthmom" to her face...not sure what I'd have DD call bmom if they spoke...

Bottom line...I try to respect bmom, and her feelings. I don't agree with many of her decisions, but I care for her and want her to know that I speak respectfully of her to her (my) daughter.

[lahdh4]

When I talk to L we use our first names. L is J's mom, there is no other way to say it because that is who she is. Here I may refer to L as amom because we have the same initials and it just makes me not get so confused.

Fallen woman is just a slap in the face.

[Tigger27]

I refer to A's (my 3 yr old) parents by their first names or on here I refer to them as her aparents. In letters that I write to A, I call them her mom and dad because they are. They refer to me as her bmom, Mommy Anne or most of the time just Anne and now that A's learned to say my name that's what she calls me when she sees pics and videos of me , Anne .

I refer to K's (my 1 1/2 yr old) parents by their first names too or on here as her aparents. In letters I write to K, I refer to them as her mom and dad too. They refer to me as her bmom, her other mommy or like with A's parents they most of the time just use my first name too. I'm sure when K learns to say my name, she'll also call me Anne when she sees pics and videos of me too .

So, I do the same thing with both my girls and their parents and I can't imagine either of my girls parents calling me a "fallen woman" or anything like that .

[merrill1277]

[quote]I also don't like natural Mom.[quote]

"Natural mother" just means biological mother. It's how I was referred to legally in the 70's. The term 'birth mother' is very new to me (well, a few years new) as I didn't see it until I first came onto adoption.com in 2002 (was here very briefly at that time). It still 'feels' strange to me to say it or hear it or write it, though I do, for clarity here. I've read that there is an implication with it that the connection ends at birth, which we know it doesn't, but that the continuum is acknowledged more with 'natural'. I don't think using it implies that any one else is "unnatural" in their role. Just my current thoughts on it. They may change but I don't know. I'm in my late 40's now; it's getting harder to change (lol).

On the other hand, I've heard adoptees thoughts on this too. They like the term "birth" because it acknowledges their birth... something which wasn't always acknowledged, especially for those who were in closed adoptions... which is most of your adult adoptees now. So in that case I'm okay using it. It's all so confusing sometimes.

From what I've heard from my son, I don't think I've ever been referred to as any kind of mother (birth, natural, etc.) but only by first name. He also mentioned I was referred to as 'that strange lady" once. Now that sounds worse than "biological" ...kind of robotic or like some'thing' without feelings or ability to care.

[Rachelschild]

I've always refer to my son's parents as his mom/dad/parents. I only use the term adoptive for clarification. Son's mom always refers to me by the term, birthmother.

I refer to myself as his mother or if clarification is needed I use the term natural mother or bio mother. I placed in 1967 The relinquishment/adoption papers list me as the natural mother. I do not use the term birth mother, I find it degrading.

[HappyTwinsMom]

We call each other by our first names. When referring to or speaking about the other, we use "birthmom" (a term C chose and we use because she does) and C uses "mom/mommy and dad/daddy." Mostly, though, just first names.

[firstparentblog]

I usually just say Punkin's mom and dad and of course when we are with them and talking to him I call them mom and dad. We use their first names when we talk as friends

When referring to us they use Mutti and Vati and our request.

If I was referred to as a fallen woman there wouldn't shins left to kick after I was done with that person.

[Leigh131313]

Jenna...thats messed up.


I call her by her name or M's birthmom when talking to others. I also do put the "birth" before aunt, cousins grandma etc. I do this in my own situation as well...my birthcousin (my aunts birthson) and my birthsister. But, when talking TO them, it's aunty or grandma (no birth as a prefix)

It is not for any negative reason...I like the clarification, always have.

did that make sense? serious sinus thing going on and i'm fuzzy headed.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I refer to Bear's mother as his birth mother or biological mother. That is only because I am usually talking to a 3rd party. I would probably call her by her first name to him.

BUT, his grandmother calls DH Daddy, me Angie and b-mom Mommie...an isuue we are struggling with. I want to tell her this is insulting and only going to confuse him as he gets older, but I don't know how to do it gently.

The fallen woman...that is a bunch of CR**!!! How insulting!

[mom2justynsarah]

I ask this because I recently found a Mother who refers to her child's birthmom as "a fallen woman." If I was ever. EVER. referred to in such a manner, I'd kick things. Mostly the shins of the namer. Goodness. Have you ever referred to the person in question in a derogatory manner, accidentally or on purpose? Calling your child's parent a baby snatcher? The birthparent an abandoner?

Just curious as to when clarification is necessary in your lives. [/quote]

"A fallen woman?!" OMG! I think that's terrible, What are amom's? Should we be called "barren women"? YUCK!

Anyway, I call Dee by her first name. But I refer to her as Sarah's birthmom. That's what she refers to herself as well. We had this discussion already. It just makes sense to us. I am mom. She is bmom. But this doesn't take away the fact that she will forever be Sarah's biological mother.