[Montraviatommyg]

Julie,

Reading your post has left a lump in my throat. In the nicest possible way I don't think my son's mother will have the same thoughts as you as she and her husband were able to have children and went on to have a son after adopting. Thank you for your post.

Pip

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by FH-Montraviatommyg

Julie,

Reading your post has left a lump in my throat. In the nicest possible way I don't think my son's mother will have the same thoughts as you as she and her husband were able to have children and went on to have a son after adopting. Thank you for your post.

Pip

Pip- Thank you

[momma2many]

I dont feel jelous at all just dissapointed that i dont have pictures of you Ds's firts 5 months of life. I have a bio son and an adopted son and adopted daughter. I feel the same for all of them. My son was adopted from fostercare so I missed those first few months I am happy that he is ours now and that will not change I didnt need to carry him to feel like he is part of me. His personality is a combination of all of us and that is what makes him special. Horton Hatches an Egg by Dr Suess is his story she started the process but he became ours through nurture. My daughter was a private adoption. I caught her when she was born and my husband cut the cord (and reattached it to himself, ha ha) then I handed her to C and she breastfed her and I cherish every moment of that day. 4 hours later we were home as a family. Even though my children came to me in diffrent ways they all have a common bond.

[vera19]

As a birthmom.. i have to say what a beautiful post. .i never thought about about my birthdaughter's amom feeling that way.

thank you for sharing. *HUGS*

[HOPEFULINPA]

Great post as mother's day approaches. You describe my feelings exactly. I am thrilled beyond words this will be my first mother's day..yet a part of me will be thinking of his bmom and feeling jealous she had him last year.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by StorkWatcher

I want to be able to tell my son the story of the 9 months and 2 days leading up to the day he became our son. I am so sad that I wasn't there with him for more of that time (we weren't chosen until the baby was born, so we weren't lucky enough to meet with the birthmom.) I want to be able to tell him what the first hours of his life were like in the hospital, but we didn't go there or talk to any nurses or doctors. All we have are the brief medical papers with names whited out and on the past page of one of those is a photocopy of a picture of him in his nursery bassinet and a footprint. I will cherish these!

Dear StorkWatcher,
I can understand your desire to share these things with your son and for your son to know the story of his birth. However, I think that your son's birthstory is his firstmom's to tell. I was lucky enough to spend my son's birthday with him the first year after we were reunited. We stayed up all night, and I recounted the events of his birth to him in "real time" as they had happened years ago. I remember the minute when my labor started and everything that happened after that. That was our story for me to share with him. It was a very special time, and it meant the world to both of us. The adoptive parents have the child's whole life experience to share with that child and claim as their own. I believe that the experiences of the birth and pregnancy are for the firstmother to share and to own, together with her child. I am coming back to the forums after some time away, so I do not know your story. Was your son's firstmother against an open adoption?

To all:

Speaking as an unwilling firstmother of 26 years, I would trade places with my son's adoptive parents in a heartbeat. I envy every moment that they have spent with my son, good and bad. I envy that they share a history with him that I never will, and that they can legally claim him as their son and my grandchild as their own, when I cannot. They have my son. I have the memory of my pregnancy and his birth and the few moments that I get now with him, 26 years very long years later. His adoptive parents do envy me the connection I have with him, and they hate me for it. I can't help that or change it. They are currently unsuccessfully attempting to use threats and coercion to prevent me any contact with my son and his child, because they want to be the only parents and grandparents. However, my son and his wife recognize me as his Mom and as my grandchild's grandmother. The closed adoption era came with the unenforceable "guarantee" to the adoptive parents that the child would be theirs "as if born to" them. My only role in their eyes was to deliver them a baby straight from God and then to disappear forever. His adoptive parents hate me because that guarantee could never be true. I am glad that adoption appears to have changed and that the newer parental members of the triad can treat each other with empathy, respect, compassion and maybe even love.

Isabo

[SchmennaLeigh]

Isabo, I disagree.

I'm not at my firstdaughter's beck and call and therefore, if it was left solely to me to tell her about her first nine months and her birth story, she would hear it rarely. I love that D can tell her everything that she knows (and come to me for more information) so that Munchkin can learn the story from a young age. While it is my story with her, it doesn't mean I have a copyright on it. I would rather her KNOW it than wonder and feel as though it is a taboo topic since her Mom won't talk about it.

[Leigh131313]

Jenna,

I think you hit the mark for me with

I would rather her KNOW it than wonder and feel as though it is a taboo topic since her Mom won't talk about it.


I wanted to respond to Isabo, but I didnt know how to express what i was thinking...and I think thats it.

I for one, do not share and do not PLAN to share my sons birthstory from his birthmom's perspective, but from my own. I DO have a story as to how he came into the world, becuase I did have a part....just not the one from the hospital delivery room... I have the one waiting for calls, worrying...last minute items I picked up...and the first time I saw his precious face. It's just as important as any other birthstory.

His birthmom has her story as well, and I don't tell it, mostly because I don't know her perspective. But I can talk of his birth...in fact, it's important he hears from ME his mother, that talk of his adoption and everything that makes our story unique is OK!! That it is not to be ashamed of, that it's to be proud of.

So thanks Jenna, for helping me to get my words and thoughts together!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

*nods* No problem.

D was in our delivery room as well so she can definitely talk about those things. She knows that I had been sick and on bed rest during the pregnancy and knows the details to pass on. She knows enough of my story that she can tell it with enough detail but doesn't "step on my toes." (I don't mean that negatively. D has never done so.) As Munchkin asks more questions, I can tell her about our time alone in the hospital. I can tell her my thoughts and emotions. But, thank GOODNESS D is able to talk about it with regularity to make it a "normal" conversation for the lot of us to have!

Both sides of the adult triad are important to piece together the child's birth story. Both sides can add their own input. I have no problem with D sharing info ("Your Mom was in labor for almost exactly twelve hours.") I can tell things as well about THEIR experience... how I kept telling my Mom to call them on the phone but, after many false (premature) labor attempts, she wanted to make sure it was the real thing before calling them at 4 in the morning.

It's both sides.

[DianeScraps]

As a current foster mom and soon to be adoptive mom I can say that my girls are desperate for details about their birth. Many things in their life are significantly different due to the nature of foster care and adoption and we have found that small details can really help them a lot.

Diane

[Lilly's Mommy]

I'm posting this way after the original thread was created, but...

I'm a new adoptive mommy and have been struggling with these same feelings of sadness or jealousy that I'm not Lilly's only mother. Same thought process as everyone else mentioned... if I was her only mother, she wouldn't be who she is.

Just wanted to say how helpful it was to come across this thread and see that I wasn't the only one struggling to wade through this new territory of emotions.

Thanks.

[InBlindFaith]

Thank you Julie!

I can't wait to meet my daughter's A-Mom so I can tell her thank you for opening her heart and her home to raise my daughter as her own.

Thank you for sharing your secret. I really needed to hear that!!

[katlyn]

I just wanted to say thank you for your openness, it does help me to see it from an adoptive mothers point of view....funny thing, I always prided myself, thinking that I had an inkling of an idea how adoptive parents must feel. I thought all these years that I had at least a tiny idea of what my daughters aparents must have felt and how much I believed they were truly thankful for my "gift" to them. Now while I'm trying to reconnect with my daughter after 20 long years, I realise how much jealousy I've harboured all these years. It really is a beautiful thing to actually hear it from an amom that you have jealousy too. Thank You so much for sharing, it brought tears to my eyes. I have always and still do feel that most adoptive parents are "gifts" in themselves, especially for children that come from unfavorable circumstances and need that stability and love and nurturing. May God bless each and every Mom....A or B....the key word is MOM. I know that my daughter is loved and happy and thriving....that is what I wanted for her.

[mom2GRLC]

oh that is so cute "A or B the keyword is Mom" how simple and true is that!!!! Your Rock!!!

[katlyn]

oh that is so cute "A or B the keyword is Mom" how simple and true is that!!!! Your Rock!!!

Thank You, !