[saspaul]

Perhaps someone can help us.We adopted our daughter, the day after she was born, and we have had periodic contact with the birth mother, who we really like. She ended up marrying the birth father, and they now have two young children. Our daughter is now nine years old, and she has known she was adapted from the beginning. And we've always promised her that she would be able to meet her birth family when she was older, with the idea that when she was 18 she could make the decision as to when. We are now rethinking that decision, and she periodically mentions a "hole in her heart" or a feeling of loneliness that I believe is common to adopted children. We just heard from the birth mother again, and learned about her current family situation, which is very good. They are very willing to establish contact, but also respectful if that does not fit what's best for our daughter. Coincidentally, we found that they had moved and now live quite close to where our oldest daughter is going to college, so that setting up a meeting would be quite easy from the physical/travel/proximity standpoint. My gut feeling at this point is that the truth is always best. And that my daughter might benefit from meeting her birth family, especially since she has two full blood. Younger siblings. The cautious side of me, worries that this might cause problems for both families and especially for our daughter.



Do any of you have experience with a situation like this, or have any advice? Do any of you know, professionals that we could consult that have experience with situations like this?

Thank you for any input, you can provide

[Leigh131313]

In MY opinion....it would be to meet now, or wait until much much later (18)

I think, and anyone feel free to correct me, that it would be best to get this out of the way before she gets too much older. Puberty is hard enough, let alone adding this other element. If you do it now, it may give her some peace of mind and allow her to move on.


I'd probably arrange a get together. Nothing fancy or anything, just a fun familiy activity.

See what happens, you don't have to commit to anything as far as future gatherings right off the bat...see how she reacts..discuss it with her after, and go from there.

Or, if that sits really badly with you....dont Follow your gut.

Leigh

[Jensboys]

I agree - experts say that before puberty is best.

I know its scary, but you can always approach the idea with your daughter and see what she says. Maybe she can start by putting together a letter and package of pictures for them - and they can do the same for her.

Then maybe you could talk to bmom on the phone and tell her what they told you. Then maybe have a couple of phone calls between all of you and THEN proceed to a visit.

I think as long as the grownups take on the stress of the relationship - and work to be respectful of each other, you are going in the right direction

Jen

[SchmennaLeigh]

Again, I'm with the before puberty thing.

Perhaps write to the birthmother and say, "Ya know, this is the idea we have but if it does not work for our daughter we hope that you would understand our need to stop visitation until she makes that decision on her own. We're just trying to figure our way through this one."

Problems can and may occur. But if you have both adult sides of the triad in agreement as to what steps should be taken when and if they should arise, anything can be worked through.

Start with contacting them to see if they are receptive to the idea and willing to work on your terms.

Best of luck on this new venture!