[taramayrn]

So my son has a sister, E who is also in an open adoption with her birthfamily. She does not have as much contact as we have with T. She is 11 and I have always felt a strong connection to her and have tried to be a "stand in" birthmom for her as her birthmom lived far away and didn't always play an active role in her life. I love E and my family and I always include her in gifts for holidays, etc. I know that E's birthfamily sends gifts for my son on holidays, etc and that makes me feel good that they accept him as well. I would be upset if they ever stopped. I will continue to acknowledge E.

But what I'm wondering is and hope to have some discussion around this topic. Do you expect your child's birthfamily to acknowledge your other children when they send gifts, etc? As a birthmom, do you send gifts, etc. for your child's siblings?

[SchmennaLeigh]

I don't send gifts for the older brothers though I do send cards. They're almost out of the home now and you know how that goes. I do send them birthday cards (when I don't forget). But when I send Munchkin something, I send her new baby brother something. It's just what I do. I never thought "not" to do it. He may not be Nicholas' half-sibling but... well, it's strange really to explain. I love him, too!

[taramayrn]

Jenna, I know what you mean about the older siblings and I'm sure they are okay with you not sending them gifts, but I bet they are thrilled that you send them cards.

I know I don't have to send E anything, but I too feel a sense of responsibility towards her. Plus I would feel wrong not acknowledging her on her birthday, etc.

S (amom) told me something once that really got me upset and I think they (aparents) are slightly bothered by it too. L, E's birthmom does not send her gifts on her birthday because as she says "she already gave her the greatest gift of all". While I agree that she did give her daughter the greatest gift of wonderful parents, that doesn't mean she shouldn't send gifts, etc. I know that birthgrandma does send gifts and I'm sure E is thrilled about that.

[SchmennaLeigh]

That's interesting about what she said, Tara. I send gifts. All be it, her birthday gifts were late this year. I felt like crap but with a newborn, it was hard to get to the post office. Thankfully, she doesn't fully understand that her birthday is on one specific day just yet and just likes to open presents.

I think J&D would be understanding if I didn't send presents for whatever reason but... to be honest... I love buying her things. Nothing extravagant or anything she isn't allowed to have. But the Dora doll I sent for her birthday ended up being one of her favorite things that she got.

That meant a lot to me.

You should have seen me in the aisle. I stood there forever. Trying to deicde which one was more "like her." I got teary eyed when D told me that she took it to bed with her.

On the flip side, J&D send Nicholas gifts as well. They got him some pretty awesome things for my baby shower. I don't expect them, obviously but I am always touched. The most touching thing was that D got Nicholas a blue satin blanket like Munchkin had the pink version of. Well, Munchkin had two of the same blankie and for our first visit, they gave me the second one... so Nick's blue blankie meant even more to me because now we have both of my children's satin blankies.

I'm rambling.

[taramayrn]

I love to shop for others, especially my son and his sister. I have a hard time with her not sending gifts because I just can't imagine not doing that myself, but she does what she has to do. If she couldn't afford the gifts, that's a different story in my mind. I don't know...it has got to be hard on E though, you'd think?

[taramayrn]

It's really touching when the gifts we send our kids end up being their favorite. I love hearing that.

[SchmennaLeigh]

You'd think. In the end, she (the birthmother) will have to answer. Perhaps her family wasn't gift giving types. (We have relatives like that.) So maybe when E asks her, she'll have a great answer. I hope, obviously, for E's sake. Or, maybe it will be a moment of realization. Who knows.

All I know is that E is lucky to have you around, ya know?

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

All I know is that E is lucky to have you around, ya know?

Thanks Jenna, that means alot.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

You'd think. In the end, she (the birthmother) will have to answer. Perhaps her family wasn't gift giving types. (We have relatives like that.) So maybe when E asks her, she'll have a great answer. I hope, obviously, for E's sake. Or, maybe it will be a moment of realization. Who knows.

Oh for sure, L will be the one who will have to answer to E. I know it's not a huge issue, but the lack of gifts can say alot to a child you know? I honestly think that often L has tried to run away from the adoption and this might just be one of the ways she is able to sweep her issues and lack of dealing with them under the rug (from what amom has told me). Too bad that doesn't work eh?

[Tigger27]

Well my 3 yr old doesn't have any siblings yet, but I think I would send her siblings gifts if she had some. I plan to send gifts to her siblings when she gets some if her aparents are okay with me doing that.

With my 16 mo old, she has a older asister that's 8 yrs old and doesn't have contact with her birthmom so I always send gifts to my 16 mo old's asister when I send my 16 mo old something. I love and have a strong connection with my 16 mo old's asister too .

[Leigh131313]

Ds does not have birthsibblings but he has birth cousins, I buy gifts for them. His birthaunt always gets him gifts. I think his birthmom and birthgrandma have stopped buying him gifts, but it could just be a temporary thing..i don't know. I will continue to buy them gifts, because I want to.
If his birthmom has more children, they get added to the Christmas list too! lol

One thing that does concern me, is if we have another child I would like the birthfamiles to treat both of the children with the same joy and appreciation. I realize that they will feel differently towards them...but I hope it isn't really blatant, ya know? We will visit as a family, and I don't want one of my kids feeling like a third wheel.

Leigh

[mom2justynsarah]

Dee (bmom) has sent birthday & Christmas gifts to both my son and my daughter. However, she only sends cards, letters & pictures to my daughter.

It wasn't expected. But I think it's very nice of her to send my son gifts. But then again, I would (and have) done it for her other 3 children.

[taramayrn]

So how do you guys feel about what my son's sister's bmom said about her reasons for not buying E gifts?

How would you feel if your child's bmom chose not to send gifts? Let's just say there are no financial limitations stopping her from sending gifts.

Just interested that's all...not trying to judge E's bmom.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

Dee (bmom) has sent birthday & Christmas gifts to both my son and my daughter. However, she only sends cards, letters & pictures to my daughter.

I don't send my son letters, but I imagine that if I had a semi open adoption I would. I'm not sure I would send his siblings letters, but would still continue to send gifts for them.

[michellemartin]

So how do you guys feel about what my son's sister's bmom said about her reasons for not buying E gifts?

The only thing I've heard you mention about her reasons are that she "gave her the greatest gift of all". And IMO, maybe that's her way of saying "it's none of your business" why she doesnt give gifts.
Anyway, it could be numerous reasons, from not celebrating the gift giving occasions or belif system that there are things more important in life than material objects.

I'm afraid to speak up here!
I do not send my bdaughter gifts on her birthday or christmas. I prefer to not celebrate either of those. When T and D do adopt again, I will not be sending their other child gifts on either of those occasions. And it would bother me if T and D's other child's bmom (when they get that far) sent my bdaughter a gift at those times (though I'd deal with it silently).