[Leigh131313]

I have a scrapbook that I have made for my son, as well as a baby book that is (almost) all filled out.

I have chosen not to make mention of his adoption in them. My reason for this is I want him (as well as myself) to be able to show them to anyone and not have to go through the whole story. I also don't feel comfortable with having his birthmom being shown to everyone who looks at his scrapbook for her own privacy. I should probably mention that I scrapbook with a group of girls at a very public place, my book gets passed around to at least 5 strangers a week.

How do you guys feel about this?

Birthmom's, are you hurt by this?

Adoptive parents, What have you done?


I'd like to mention that I do have a special place for everything pertaining to his adoption and his birthfamily..just not in "the" scrapbook and baby book. I've also made special ones for his birthmom.

but does that matter? If you look through the books and don't see yourself, does it bother you?

Leigh

[kitkat582497]

To be honsted I would be complety hurt by this... As A Bmom... I think tha adoption should be something you are both very proud of... The couple that is parenting Hope there children well tell everyone that they just adopted a little sister and how blessed they are couse God anwered there preys... There oldest one is also Adopted and the 1st thing he tells everyone is that... He love to sare the story with his friends and family... I don't know why anyone would have to have it explained to them... And I mean its kinda like not telling the hole truth on how he got there... I don't know thats just my $.02

[Leigh131313]

Oh, I'm definitely proud of how my son arrived in our family. That really has nothing to do with why I dont have it included in two of his books. I also do not lie about anything, I haven't fabricated anything to make it look like i gave birth to him. I just don't have any clear indicators that he's adopted in those two books.

It is currently common knowledge...but one day it won't be. The friends I have now all know because they were here for it...but later down the road, he's going to have friends, we'll have new friends, and the adoption is not something that I need to advertise in conversations. I Wouldn't lie about it, would talk about it if it came up...but I really think once you reach a certain age, the discussion just isnt really there any more. I've even noticed a difference the last year..The first year, alot of people ask about labor/pregnancy so adoption would come up...but now, when meeting people or just in casual conversation with people, adoption does not come up.

Thanks for sharing your feelings on the matter!

Leigh

[Mommy24]

I see both sides to this. Adoption doesnt define someone, it isnt "who" they are. I would probably feel sad if I werent included in such a special book, but it does sound like you have made other things to help your child remember bmom and her special place in his/her life. Maybe as your child gets older this will be something you will discuss and find out his/her feelings on whether or not they would want to add bmom to it. Sounds like to me you just dont want the adoption defining who your child is and I dont think that in itself is a bad thing

[bromanchik]

I would definately be hurt. I also thinks it sends the wrong message. My son grew up with a baby book that started from the one I made for him and was added on by his adoptive mom. It communicated to him that this was his beginnings, all of his beginnings. Not anything he had to hide, but something he could proudly show to people.

You are modeling something whether you know it or not. I see the message as being that his adoption is a seperate part of his life, to be in another place, to only be taken out for special people or reasons.

As a grade schooler he loved showing off his baby book, as a teen-ager he did not touch it for years, but then again, what teen-age boy do you know that shows off his baby pictures???

[mab_123]

My feeling are this....


Adoption is something to be proud of. It is not hidden at all in my family or friends. My children all know they are adopted. Even my 2 yr. old, even though she may not understand I still tell her all the time that she is adopted and that's special because mommy and daddy chose you. That there is someone else out there who is your birth mother but unfortanitly she is unable to care for you and that's why God gave you to us. That mommy (me) didn't have enough room to carry you in my tummy because all the love for you in my heart was spilllin over.

I have a scrapbook with just pictures for each one of my kids along with things they have wrote and draw in them as well as a so called "baby" book which has all the stuff in it as if they were my own children by birth and all the adoption stuff.

My kids think it's awsome that they were adopted and they tell EVERYONE. They say that they are special because their mommy and daddy chose them out of alot of other kids. Of course it would be hard for us to hide this considering we adopted through the foster care system and my oldest is 8. But I still think that if I were adopting an infant privatly I would still tell them from day one the truth.

This is your choice you are the parent. I can kinda see what your saying, but adoption is not a bad thing. I should be something very special and to be VERY proud of.

I wish you all the luck.

[coco46]

Leigh...

I think I understand what you're trying to say. And obviously, you're not trying to hurt anyone.

But I have to say that it would make me very sad to be left out of the story. Even though your concerns about privacy are valid, adoption is still part of your son's baby history. It's how he joined your family. You don't have to create pages and pages titled "your adoption" or anything, but to me, it's important to include at least some of it along with everything else.

Otherwise, I feel it's like saying that "we don't talk about the adoption". It's all there, of course, but it's not "okay" to share it along with the rest of our family story. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that's what you intend to do. But by tucking the adoption away only to be reviewed "privately" it could send a strong message to your child that it's a secret, that it's somehow bad.

I know you only want what's best for your child. I hope you may reconsider including the adoption in his baby books, but I respect your decision either way.

[taramayrn]

Leigh I also understand what you are trying to say but I would be hurt by it as well.

[Jensboys]

My kids are older (11,9,8,5) but they LOVE to look through their albums and baby books. I think eliminating that sort of information which is THEIR story is hurtful, simply because ladies at a scrap booking fair might know his history. Its not to be embarrassed about - and it is his truth. I know my boys would be completely confused as to why their adoption, or early years, weren't mentioned in their books.

Have you scrap booked a "Life Book" for him yet? That might be a good alternative.

Jen

[echaos]

An adoptee's take on it:

My mom, way back in the 70's included everything about my adoption in my baby book for me. It was my favorite part of the whole book!!

An adoptive Mom's take on it:

I've included every scrap of paper from Liam's adoption in his scrapbooks, including his baby bracelet from the hospital that has his original last name on it. There is no one that I would ever show the book too that doesn't know (or wouldn't find out pretty fast! ) that he was adopted. Some of the papers have more private info on them, so I've put them in sleeves, or envelops so that you have to take them out to read them. If I'm showing the book to someone who doesn't need ALL the details, I just say "and this is all the paper work from the adoption" and turn the page.

[ginadc]

I found a wonderful baby book called "The Story of Me," which has additional pages that are specifically adoption-focused. So we have an "All About My Birthmom" page, and other pages that are specific to the adoption in the same style as the rest of the baby book. (It also has a section for "All About My Birth Land" if it's an international adoption, though ours is not so we're not using that page.) We love it, and there are lots of pictures of DD's birthmom and stories about her in the book. (Well, there are as many as I've had time to write in the hectic 7 weeks since we've had her--but most of the rest of the book is pretty spotty as well!)

I agree that a child's adoption story really should be integrated into their baby book rather than segregated as something separate. Similarly, we have pictures of DD's birthmom up in her room, and in her little plastic "who loves baby" album there are pictures of us, our parents, and birthmom.

Oh, and on that note, a quick question if I could: what do you all think of including birthmom's name in the baby announcement? In our case, she was really happy when we proposed this--basically, the announcement will read: "GinaDC and DH are so happy to introduce DD," then her stats, then "Placed in our arms by her very loving birthmom (FULL NAME)." (That's how she wanted it; we said we'd be happy to just use her first name if she wanted more privacy, but she said it was good to use her full name.) The announcement is a collage of pictures of DD, including one of both bmom and I holding her.

Anyway--in general, what do you all think about this? Good idea? Too much? Obviously it works for us and for our birthmom, but how do others feel about it?

[StorkWatcher]

There are good responses here. I thought Bromanchik made some good points.

My perspective is from an adoptive mom who never got to talk to our son's birthmom about any of this. We're supposed to have a semi-open arrangement, but have no contact right now.

The first two pages of our scrapbook is the story and pictures of when we got the call, the trip to the agency, and our social workers standing with us and our son. His baby book mentions the story briefly. I did write her first name in the book on one page. On the pages for the time when one would normally write about being pregnant, I made comments about our waiting period, where I could. I hate that I have nothing for the ultrasound page or a hospital bracelet or anything like that. I wish I could add her thoughts about waiting for him to arrive. We were soooooo lucky just to have gotten a photocopy of his first photo in the bassinet from the hospital paperwork! Of course, you can't really see it clearly.

Because I don't know her feelings about things, we have not mentioned any specific info about the bmom to our family. ONly a general description of her and the bfather so they could picture them
in a positive way.

We have only one photo of her and have shown in to NO ONE. We're keeping it for our son, though. I hope that some day we will have contact with her, as I'd love to see if she would mind if we add more to the books! Until I do, I feel I'm respecting her privacy.

[SchmennaLeigh]

As a birthmom, I would feel hurt.

As a Mom in general, I just don't understand why you would leave out any part of your child's story. If your child came to you with an abusive past, obviously, I can understand leaving that out. But to leave out the adoption seems to be denying the child's roots. *shrugs* I'm in Munchkin's babybook. Munchkin is in Nick's babybook, in the family tree, because they are siblings. That's just the way I view it. It's his life; unedited.

Why should we have to edit our childrens' babybooks for family and friends? It's for the child someday. Not for the family and friends. When I was working on Nick's before he was born I asked some birthmom friends whether or not to include Munchkin on the family tree. Everyone said, "Is she part of his life, his history, his future?" I said, "Yes." And then I was asked, "Well, why would you leave that out?" And I nodded my head in understanding.


I LOVE looking through my babybook now that I have my own child and I can contrast and compare things!!!

[Leigh131313]

Not trying to be defensive..I totally get what yer all saying, and that was the point of the thread - discussion.

But, I'll explain how I do things a little further... Everything that I have is in the same place, and I have many different books.

1- baby book (all about his room, baby showers, doctors appointments and teeth)
2- His first year book
3- his first birthday book
4- his friends book (all his little friends playdates and parties
5- his book of extended family
6- his adoption box- things that don't fit in a book
7- book on birthfamily (visits and such)
8- a book with him and our dogs

then several sub books - winter, all boy, and another small black and white baby one

The first two are the biggest ones, which is why i started the thread.So, I kinda segregate everything as it is...it's just the way I do things. I don't plan on changing it, because there are many reasons I do it.

I'm not arguing that you shouldn't feel hurt...I'm hoping to explain that his adoption and his story is not hidden or ashamed of, its just another section. None of the books are hidden, it's all here in the living room, on the same shelf...it's just how I organize all of my scrapbooking and such. I like that I can pick one up specifically on the topic i want to look at. I also like that I have a choice of who I open up my story to, which is one reason I kept the adoptive part seperate.

Keep talking!

Leigh

[SchmennaLeigh]

Leigh, thanks for the clarification. You're an organizational freak like me! I have 345985907 books for Nick all ready.

But the one thing that caught me in your original post is:

My reason for this is I want him (as well as myself) to be able to show them to anyone and not have to go through the whole story.

That's what caught me off guard. I chose to put Munchkin in Nick's even though it causes me to have to explain things. It's part of his story. It's part of her story. I don't care if I have to explain it. It's just the way it is. I just took it as you left it out because it was a bother explaining it to people. That's what "hurt," even though, obviously, it's not about me, lol.