[AwaitingBeloved]

I'm not sure where to post this, I think on all triad boards. I would love some feedback.

We're going through a rough patch with our agency right now. We've developed a very warm relationship with the pbparents we are matched with currently. We have hoped to have an open adoption, one where we feel like extended family.

We're getting very close, and I think the pbparents are feeling as close to us as we do to them. We've been able to watch them really relax and gain trust in us in the course of the last month and a half since we began speaking with them. It seems that if this goes to placement, this is the kind of relationship we've hoped for. We know it may be too much for them at times, and understand they may need breaks from us, and that's okay, and we've let them know it's okay, too. Everything, with the four of us, seems beautiful. Not to say we think it's all set, we know they will have to remake that decision at birth. We understand this.

Our agency SW emailed me this morning alarmed because they feel that we are too close to the pbparents. That we view the agency as a necessary evil, and that I've betrayed their trust... (the agency's). That is due to an agreement which B & K first brought up with us when we first talked, and continue to bring up with us, and we have found common ground on this where all four of us are comfortable. The agency feels we should have told B that we couldn't talk about it with them and to direct them to talk to the agency.

I am pretty sure if we had done that, B & K would have been pretty disgusted with us. At the same time, the agency is telling us that in all the years of their doing this, "EVERY TIME" a relationship gets too close, the placement falls through.

"EVERY TIME." That kind of stings a little. I'm getting a little side tracked. I'm very hurt that the agency feels this was necessary to share with us, it was not shared nicely.. almost confrontationally.

Anyway, what I'm looking to learn, do you think there is such a thing as too open? For birthparents, and pbirthparents, how would you take it if there was something that was so important to you that you felt the need to make a legal document about it, and the padoptive parents were unwilling to discuss it with you and referred you to the agency? Maybe I'm wrong in guessing that this would be offensive. It would be to me, if it were the other way around. But that doesn't mean that my feelings are the right feelings.

Also, adoptive/padoptive parents, how do you feel about this? Do you think there is such a thing as too open? I'm so confused. I believe in my heart of hearts the more open the better. (For our family) I can't imagine this baby getting their first tooth and fighting the urge to call the pbmom and tell her. Or to email her pics of this baby as she develops... How can I fight that feeling? All along one of the things I've loved about open adoption is that we would have someone else involved in this child's life who values her as much as we do.. In adoption that can happen. I'm torn. I feel like I'm ****ed if I do and ****ed if I don't.

Anybody have any experiences they can share? I'm just devastated that someone (an adoption PROFESSIONAL) can think that there's such a thing as too much openness.

Thanks for listening.

[taramayrn]

Awaiting - see my reply on the GAD forum.

I think you need to tell your agency to butt out. I don't think there is any one thing that you can do when matching that will determine the outcome of the placement. Remember they also told you you could never give gifts to the bparents and you didn't agree. Tell them to butt out and continue to nurture and enjoy the relationship you are building with the pbparents.

[MajaHedman]

I'd kill for a relationship like the one you are building. I agree with Tara, tell the agency to butt out, and everything will work out on its own.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Wow, Maja, thank you.

Tara, I saw your other post, thank you, too!

[lahdh4]

I agree with the others tell the agency to BUTT OUT!!! You are the ones who will be having the relationship not you with the agency.

I would have liked to have the relationship you are building now while I was pregnant and not in this "stuck" place where I am at now.
Keep the relationship going.

[Ragnarok]

Is there such a thing as too open? Post-placement, no. Pre-placement, maybe.

Post-placement, nobody is making any big decisions, everyone is family, the more open the better IMO.

Pre-placement, be very very careful. Being too friendly with the birth family could be misconstrued as coercion (much harder to change your mind about relinquishment when you care so much about the people you would be hurting). And from your side of the coin, the potential heartache if they did decide not to place. Not that I think you are wrong (indeed, agency butt out) but I do think you need to be aware of that side of things.

There may also be a perception by the birth family of the adoptive family pulling away post-placement (hey, adoptive family is busy with the baby, makes sense, right?) but it can lead to a feeling of abandonment by the birth mom, especially if she has been made to feel the center of attention prior to the birth of the child.