[sugarbabysmommy]

For a while now I have avoided an issue with certain birthfamily members, and now I have no choice but to bring it up. I've mentioned it before and have gotten helpful advice, which I plan to reread tonight, and I'm hoping to round out that advice with some more brainstorming.

For more than two years few of my child's birthfamily have EVER referred to us as mom and dad, either in converstaion with us (which matters very little) or while speaking with babe. Most persons refer to us by pronoun only, he, she, her, him, but one person refers to us by our first names with babe. I am beginning to see the effects of this where babe is concerned, and I can see babe making an effort to understand who is who.

I have a lot of feelings surrounding this, one being that a very significant piece of babe's family is being ignored, and babe's connection to us is dishonored. I admit to being hurt that while I try with all of my being to honor and affirm babe's birthfamily in both babe's life and in our life, that honor and affirmation doesn't appear to be reciprocated. My concern over babe's developing confusion is genuine and of primary concern to me, I only mention my own feelings in this because it is up to me to communicate with babe's birthfamily and I recognize how my own feelings might get in the way of conveying my message.

So I'm asking for ideas, input, ways that that I can be tactful about this and considerate of the feelings that I know exist for babe's birthfamily, while still insisting that this change.

I have always believed that kids are only as confused as the adults around them, but this past week it was truly driven home to me that my child is trying very hard to make sense of some things and some adults are making that more difficult.

I put some of the blame for this dynamic at our feet, since we never made a point of calling ourselves "mom and dad" around birthfamily, always trying to be sensitive to not hurt. We also did not deal with this sooner when we should have, but again, we figured what the heck it'll iron itself out as babe gets older and calls us mom and dad. We have changed our ways and do use mom and dad around birthfamily now, and I'd hoped this would change the ways of others as well- it hasn't.

Like I said, I've mentioned this before and have gotten some great advice, any other input before I jump in the deeep end?

[angelsmom]

Be strong and confident in your position as your child's mother and not what others may or may not call you. That has to do with their discomfort in not being their child's Mom (and/or dad). You have what matters - you are legally and emotionally your child's Mommy and always will be. He/she will NOT be confused if you are not! So don't be.

Your child is going to hear MANY people over the course of a lifetime call you and your husband by your first names. At some point in time your child may even try to do so himself. This is all natural and normal and in no way confuses your child or anyones else's - adopted or not!

Kids call their grandparents many different things with no confusion. They are not even confused in nursery school when one of them calls their grandma nanna and another calls his grnadpa Papa Joe. Kids live with step-parents and all kinds of different family situations today. Names and langauage do not make family ties and connections - love, bonding and a string sense of security does! Give them that and don't worry what they call you!

Be confident. Let them call you anything they want as long as it's not late for dinner!

[my2miracles]

Originally Posted by FH-angelsmom

Be strong and confident in your position as your child's mother and not what others may or may not call you. That has to do with their discomfort in not being their child's Mom (and/or dad). You have what matters - you are legally and emotionally your child's Mommy and always will be. He/she will NOT be confused if you are not! So don't be.

Your child is going to hear MANY people over the course of a lifetime call you and your husband by your first names. At some point in time your child may even try to do so himself. This is all natural and normal and in no way confuses your child or anyones else's - adopted or not!

Kids call their grandparents many different things with no confusion. They are not even confused in nursery school when one of them calls their grandma nanna and another calls his grnadpa Papa Joe. Kids live with step-parents and all kinds of different family situations today. Names and langauage do not make family ties and connections - love, bonding and a string sense of security does! Give them that and don't worry what they call you!

Be confident. Let them call you anything they want as long as it's not late for dinner!

GREAT POST!!! Ditto!

[aura]

Couldn't have said it better myself! Aura

[happygmom]

Dearest sugarbabysmommy,

Your challenge is beyond my realm of experience. Just wanted to offer some words of encouragement. You wipe the runny nose, change the crudy diapers, and drag your sorry self out of bed in the wee, dark hours of the night so I think that ultimately, someday your sweet babe will speak for you - Mom and Dad.

Happy G'Ma

BTW - Organ donors too! Entire family. God don't want us to drag all that excess baggage to heaven!

[sneezyone]

I think there are ways for you to tactfully reaffirm your role as mom/dad without calling anyone out. If someone refers to you in the third person when babe is around (or, heaven forbid, by your first name) try turning to babe and reiterating (read: translating into babe speak), "Yes, mommy's going to fix your hair or daddy's just returned or yes, mommy, daddy and babe - that's YOU - can go to the zoo together!" I can't imagine anything more anoying than having someone not call me mommy when speaking to dd. That's who I am to her for pete's sake. Honestly, kids aren't stupid. Eventually babe's going to figure out that his/her parents are being disrespected and treat the offenders accordingly. I had a few relatives that disliked my dad and a few who disliked my mom (and would tell me so) so at the earliest opportunity I avoided them like the plague.

[sugarbabysmommy]

First let me say that I understand the emotional connection that I share with babe doesn't boil down to a title, however there is intent behind these actions. So it's supposed to be ok that while we respect and honor our babe's connection to birthfamily, babe's connection to us needn't be even acknowledged, let alone respected? Isn't this supposed to be a reciprocal, cooperative relationship?

Sneezy, a friend also used the "translator" analogy and if I could fit it into conversation I would. It's becoming clear that waiting for an openning could take a while and nearly three years have already past.

Thanks for the replies, I have some things to think about

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

I put some of the blame for this dynamic at our feet, since we never made a point of calling ourselves "mom and dad" around birthfamily, always trying to be sensitive to not hurt.

Model, model, model.
Sometimes reality bites, but that does not make it any less true. When taking the baby, say something like "Come to mommy." (Or how ever you refer to yourself.) Certainly this hurts for birthfamily to hear, because it reinforces what is lost, but it is oh, so necissary.

[Montraviatommyg]

I do feel strongly about this issue as you and your husband are your child's parents so therefore you should be called Mom (Mommy) and Dad (Daddy). This is just being respectful to both of you as you are parenting a child so therefore you are Mom and Dad. You just need to be (politely ) firm about this with the birthfamily.

If my son's adoption had been an open one I would have expected to be called by my first name and would have called his parents Mum and Dad in front of him. This is only right.

Pip

[tobeafamily]

Sugar,

If memory serves me (and it doesn't always these days LOL), babe is about 2 now, yes? If so, then in the next year - 3 and on - babe will start developing their own (and rather vocal) voice. For instance, Ryan at 3.5 will insist quite forcefully and indignantly that he is NOT a baby when referred to as such. He even pulled down his trousers once to show his mom-mom that he wore big boy underpants now as evidence of this.

So I expect that babe will find their voice and say "You mean my Daddy?" himself when they can't figure out who 'him' or 'that person' is in a conversation. If they're told otherwise, believe me, they will look at that person like they've formed a third eye in their forehead and ask/state (as my son does) "Are you crazy? Silly Mom-Mom."

Here's what I'd do: I'd start pointedly and loudly (in a happy tone) clarifying in front of anyone what they're meaning when they refer to you as 'she' or 'he' - as in "Oh, sweetie, Nana's talking about Mommy when she says 'her'" and smiling.

Just my thoughts. Hang in there.

Regina

[sugarbabysmommy]

Last night I reread my first thread about this and read this thread again. Thanks to all who answered for listening and taking the time. It's times like this that I really appreciate what a great resource this forum is. I have some decisions to make about approaching this. Unfortunately, I feel paralyzed yet more sure all at the same time because of certain things coming in the future. It's a fragile time and I want to respect that, but at the same time I see more potential down the road for greater confusion and disregard for our little family unit.

Thanks again, I wish certain interactions felt more easy and not so loaded. I hope in time.