[LogansMama]

Hey guys! After the wonderful help you gave me on my last question I'd like to ask your opinions again. Particullarly birthmothers.

Ok, so its been 23 days since we found out about the young lady who "may" be placing her child for adoption. Its been insane trying to get the birthmothers phone number in the FIRST PLACE! I'm getting a bit tired of trying to go through our "contact" b/c she doesnt seem to have the committment to getting us in touch and finding out basic information about the birthmother. (Example... when shes DUE?!) So a thought occured to me that I'd like feedback on.

I'm thinking of writing a letter and including a copy of our homestudy (we were doing international) and giving it to the MIL who sees her every other week. If she reads it and decides not to contact us then that is fine, but at least we will know that she knows of our interest. If you'll recall the birthmother is young (16) and from what we can tell she doesnt really know much about adoption. So what do you think? Could we write a letter to her, expressing our interest, telling her about how the adoption process would go if she does choose to place her child, letting her know that we support her and her decisions, talking to her about open adoption and our interest in knowing her as a person and let her make a decision, or is this too forward? I think she has an "issue" with our contact and is not answering her phone calls, so she basically doesn't even know we exist. I just DREAD the knowledge that this baby may be put into the foster-care system when we are here with open arms and with knowledge of her and we can't even make contact with the birthmom to give her options.

Your imput is vital to me. I want the birthmother to feel good about her decision and although she may not be interested in having a relationship with this child now, by the time shes 30 that may change! And if she abandons the child at the hospital her chances of finding her or having a relationship with her later on are diminished. Its not just about us wanting to give love to another child, we want this young lady to feel positive about her decision to place her child and not have it hang over her head.

What are your thoughts? I'm open to hearing what advice you could give me regarding the letter itself or if it should even be composed.

Blessings! And thanks!!
LogansMama

[MajaHedman]

I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that she isn't a birthmother yet. She is an expectant parent right now or a potential birthmother. We aren't birth/first/life moms until we sign our TPR's.

[shoeshopping]

Quote: I just DREAD the knowledge that this baby may be put into the foster-care system when we are here with open arms and with knowledge of her and we can't even make contact with the birthmom to give her options.

Why would the baby possibly be put into foster care? I think this is a tough time for everyone involved. Being she is 16, she most likely has different feelings about her being pregnant everyday. No two days are the same, kwim?

Your imput is vital to me. I want the birthmother to feel good about her decision and although she may not be interested in having a relationship with this child now, by the time shes 30 that may change! And if she abandons the child at the hospital her chances of finding her or having a relationship with her later on are diminished. Its not just about us wanting to give love to another child, we want this young lady to feel positive about her decision to place her child and not have it hang over her head.

I am sorry, but did you say that the expectant mother has a MIL (Mother in Law)? Is the expectant mother married?

I am confused about the comments regarding "if" she abandons the child at the hospital, etc., what has she done to have these suspicions? I can understand your best intentions wanting her to feel positive about her decision -- but it is her decision whether or not to place and being she is expecting, she truly cannot make the FINAL decision until after the baby is born, IMO.

I am sorry but I get the impression that you are anxious and it is hanging over your head, not hers. Maybe she is taking her time and not rushing into anything. I read your previous thread asking "what to ask her." Have you met with her and talked with her? Did you ask her questions? Did you have an initial meeting and then no response or has there been no communication from the beginning?

Sorry for all of the questions.

[tobeafamily]

LogansMama,

If it were me, I'd send a note saying that you understand she's considering making an adoption plan for her child. Offer her your contact information then let it go. If she contacts you, great. If not, then let it be. I would not send a copy of your home study or any otherr ifnormation - just a note written in a friendly tone and wishing her the best of luck whatever she chooses.

JMHO

REgina

[LogansMama]

A) Sorry for the misuse of terminology. Most people are new to the game and are likely to use terms they've read and heard most often. Accidental misuse is not ever intended to demean another person.

B) She has already expressed her plans to leave the child at the hospital. Where I live the child will go directly into foster care until a family is found through that system. This is her second child, she's already expressed a desire to place her first child for adoption, but the family wont stand for it.

C) Yes, mother in law. When she found out she was pregnant with #1 she was 14 and married the father of the child. He divorced her before the child was born. So she has a mother in law (former). Child number 1 stays with the MIL for 2 nights every two weeks, thats the only time that they see her.

D) Our contact has informed us that the decision to place the child has already been made (granted, that may change and that is totally ok).

E) Your impression is correct that I am anxious. We were given this information that this woman may want to meet with us and then over three weeks later we find out that contact has not even been made with the woman.

F) No, we have not met with her because she does not know that we exist because she is mad at our contact and will not answer the phone for our contact to even relay to her that we exist. If we had met with her and she decided against us then that would be fine, but currently she has no idea that there is even someone out there who may be potentially interested.

LogansMama

[happygmom]

Dear Logansmama,

This year my daughter (22) was pregnant and was considering adoption. After some unfortunate experiences with an agressive agency and 2 private contacts who we found (through friends) to be misrepresenting their interest in open adoption, we became VERY protective of our daughter's space to explore the realities of adoption vs the realities of single-parenthood without outside pressure. As a family in the throes of the making most difficult decision of our lives, we would have been extremely offended if anyone invaded our space with unwanted advertising to place our baby. Having been in the same situation, I understand exactly why this expectant mother is angry.

At 16 years of age, this young mother-to-be may well be surrounded by a loving family who is facing the loss of a family member. I cried every hour of every day for weeks at the thought of not being with my grandchild.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you to be hanging out there having no idea where you stand. But these are humans who probably love this child already - please show them some respect by keeping your distance.

BTW - My daughter turned purple with rage at being called a "birthmother" when she was no where near making that final decision.

Happy G'Ma

[RiverGal]

LogansMama ~ I can see why you are anxious, given your last post. It sounds like the p-bmom is also at her wit's end. And caught somewhere in the middle of all this is an child.

I think the letter to her via the MIL might be a good place to start; however, I agree with Regina that the home-study should be left out of it, aside from maybe mentioning that you have completed one.

As for you lack of the politically correct terms, you'll learn of that as you go along. When I first came here, the largest volume of advice I got was how to properly phrase things. You're new to all of this, so it is completely understandable. Don't get discouraged.

Good luck on your next step, and please keep us updated.

~Deb

[Lynard1210]

Logansmama,

I agree with happygmom as far as the family members are probably protecting her because she is a minor and they don't want to lose a family member. I am assuming you have some sort of relationship with the MIL? Would she be willing to talk to her former daughter-in-law? When my stepdaughter became pregnant at 17, we had many people giving us names of people who wanted to adopt. We ignored most of the information because my SD wanted my husband and I to adopt, which we did. I know the waiting is probably pure torture. Maybe she is just talking about leaving the baby at the hospital. 16 year olds say a lot of things they don't mean (I can hear my SD saying something like that, as well as other dramatic statements). You sound like a very caring and loving person and I'm sure if this one doesn't work out, you will be led to another child. Good luck!

[LogansMama]

Thank you for your advice. I think that it would just be too controversial to send a note based on your statements. I will just wait for the contact to finally reach her and then if she's interested she will let us know. Thanks for your advice and for keeping me from making a potental mistake. LogansMama

[katieb31323]

Regardless, it is hard to wait and keep your emotions in check!!! This period of time is so very difficult for everyone involved in a potential adoption.

Hang in there!!

Kathy

[MajaHedman]

I wasn't upset by your use of terminology, I just wanted to let you know what the correct use is. I've been a part of online communities for over seven years now and believe me the first time I ventured onto a forum I got flamed b/c I used incorrect terminlogy. I would hate to see that happen to anyone else.

[RiverGal]

Just wanted to bump this up in hopes that you will get some more Bmom insight. Like katieb said, this is a difficult time for all involved.

~Deb

[Mommy2amiracle]

(((HUGS))) It is very nerve racking waiting to be matched!! Our current match was made through a family friend. The young lady that we are matched with expressed interest in placing and the friend remembered that we were waiting to adopt another child. We sent our Dear Birthparent letter through them. We waited about a week before she said that she would like to be contacted by our attorney. If you know the ex-MIL well and feel comfortable speaking with her, I would send her a note expressing your interest in adopting a child. Perhaps, she will talk to the young lady about your interest.

Good Luck!

[makhaze]

Just wanted to say, as a natural mom, any form of DearBirthParent letter is manipulation and should be illegal...JMHO...

[katieb31323]

then what do you propose a person who is very much wanting to make an adoption plan use to find parent(s) for her baby????

I DO agree that the use of Dear Birthparent in such letters is antiquated.

Kathy