[Jen123]

Hello. I am the a-mom of a son, adopted internationally. His adoption is "closed" as this is the law of the country from which we adopted. Before I met my son, I thought this might be for the best, after all, he was in an orphanage for a while and his bio mom never had any contact with him after his birth.
But, once I met my son, and learned some details about his bio mom, I found myself really wishing the adoption could be more open. I wanted the officials in the country to notify the birthmom that he was being adopted, and that he'd be living in the US. They flatly refused, and looked horrified (cultural) that I would want any info given to the birthmom.
I did make an effort to get all the info I could about the birthmom, and have enough legal identifying info (including her passport # and address, and names of immediate family), so that she wouldn't be too hard to trace some day.
My problem is this, aside from the language barrier there is a huge cultural barrier here. Adoption in this country is treated like adoptions were here in the 60's: a shameful thing. Women who terminate their parental rights are discriminated against, and therefore they keep the fact that they have children who were adopted a great secret. There are actual derogatory terms in this language to describe birth mothers who place their children for adoption... Women in this country who adopt children will only adopt newborns, and change their birthdates to pretend they gave birth to them. Children who are adopted are never told of their adoptions, and people in the country are surprised that American parents plan on telling the children their adoption stories....
I am worried that this may be a problem later in life, should my son want to search for his bio mom. In a way, I really hope he does want to search. This is why I gathered all this info. But I am afraid of the cultural implications of getting in touch with the birth mother. I don't want to "out her" as it were, and cause difficulty in her life.
On the other hand, I really want her to be at peace and know that her baby has a safe and happy home, and we are grateful to her for giving our son life.
Any birthmoms have any ideas on this? What to tell my son? How the birthmom may feel?
Any adoptees have any ideas?
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my son's birthmother, and wish there were a way for her to see how well he's doing....

[Jackiejdajda]

I knew nothing about my bson for 35 years.. I kept my secret about him for about 21/22 years.. At that time I thought maybe he would be searching for me so I wanted to make sure I was available.. but then I had to tell the telling..
It took me some time.. and it took me some therapy etc..

I know of one amom who allowed her preteen (I am pretty sure that is the age) to search for his birthmom in a country that is like the country you are describing..
The birthmom refused contact.. The young man apparently was okay.. and I do not think he was overly hurt by the incident.. but what of the birthmom???.. That is what I thought..

She knows she has refused contact with her young birthson.. She knows she has probably hurt him and I bet she worried..(please note these are my memories of what someone else wrote.. and posted)
Obviously she has hidden the birth.. etc.. or she would have connected with him.. I do not know how I would have handled a contact when my bson was pre teen.. I may have freaked and said no.. At that point I had just told my husband.. my sister did not know.. My mom and dad were still powerful in my life.. they had control.. in some ways..
(they wanted the secret kept)

Sooooo to make a long story short.. I say.. maybe leave it alone till the child is older.. I could handle the secret keeping.. Another birthmom in another thread said similar.. she said.. that it was almost easier not talking about the relinquished son or daughter..
I do not know the right way to handle any of this.. but I also say.. be careful with someone very young..

Jackie..

[LisaCA]

hi,

as an amom in a very open domestic adoption, I have no idea what to do here esp. without knowing which country/culture. much depends on whether you can find out info without revealing bmom's secret. your goal, to talk/get a message to her, comes from a good place. Maybe you can hire a private investigator to track her down, without revealing the why, then decide what to do. You may decide to contact her or to wait until later. I suspect the trail will get colder as time passes, but at least you'll have some info from which to work.

I wish you luck,

Lisa

[bellazmama]

We have what our agency calls a "semi-open" adoption. We communicate with our DD's birth mother through the agency only. We've never met one another. The more time that passes, I truly and early wish L could and would see our DD before she's all grown up. At 4, she has a photo of her birth mom and knows who L is and we pray for her every night. She sometimes asks if Miss L will be at the park today with us or if she can call Miss L. I have to tell her no and explain that Miss L. loves her very much. With a smart, inquisitive little girl on my hands, (she's almost 4), it's getting tough.

I truly believe that L is undergoing emotional turmoil over her separation from our DD, but from what I've heard here and elsewhere, L would be better served by seeing her. What do you all think?

Sarah

BTW, Bella came to us at 3 weeks old.

[nelwywed1311]

Sarah,
I have a four year old who is on the other side of the spectrum - she is the kept child. She has met her 17 year old sister who I lost to adoption at 17. Having contact with my eldest daughter from infancy until this day has been a good thing for my 17 year old. There are no questions.
If it is your daughter and your adoption, then surely you hold the cards on the level of openness you wish for. If your heart is telling you to open the adoption further, then go for it. There is often no harm in opening up adoptions from closed or semi-open to fully open. It answers the child's questions and can assist with the mothers grief. Is your agency open to working with you to open the adoption up further? If not, perhaps seek the support of a third party (mediator) who can support you in developing a deeper, more open relationship with the mother. Your daughter will benefit enormously from that openness.

[bellazmama]

Unfortunately, we have made several offers of increased openness. I have even offered to drop Bella off at the agency so the L could spend some time with her there alone, if she wished. I send invitations to her birthday parties and the like as well. The agency just says that she says she's not ready. What now?

Sarah

[nelwywed1311]

Hi Sarah,
I'm not really sure there is any more than you can do. You've obviously kept the option open for L, and it will take time for her to find her way with these offers. At least you have opened your mind to the benefits a relationship with L can have for your daughter and you should be proud of that fact. Just keep doing what you're doing and in time L may find the strength to pursue the relationship. Sounds like it's just a bit too hard for her at the moment.

[bellazmama]

Newlywed,

Thank you!