[UtahSky]

Hi!

I have been looking through all the profiles of possible parents for the baby and am really surprised that a lot of aparents say they want to have an open adoption. I really thought most would want a closed one. Or maybe just the kind where you send pictures and letters.

I don't know how comfortable I am with an open adoption. I think I want some information, but to see the baby doesn't make sense to me. I'll be trying to go to school and live my life and can't see wanting to see the baby all the time too. Figure if I'm going to have someone else be the parent, then that is how it should be. I've been reading here about the benefits to the baby, but I don't know if that is right for me. I'd want the baby to grow up knowing about me and could find me if he/she wants to, but to be directly involved in their lives? I don't know about that.

So how many people here really want an open adoption? Why?

On a personal note, because so many have asked. I am doing fine but have been upset because of the baby's father. It's really hard losing my first love!! His mom, S has been so great though and I am staying with her on the weekends. S is truly a lifesaver for me!

Pluma

[ddhuab]

I *think* you might want to focus on couples who already have one child (or more than one child), either biological or in a semi-open or closed adoption. OR couples who are SURE they only want to adopt one child domestically.

Also, I think if you look for independent situations (look for adds in newspapers, web sites), I think you might find couples who are open to "closed" situations.

Also, even if they want an open adoption, you can ask them what this means to them, and explain to them your ideal situation (maybe you would like to wait until you are done with college to "meet" you child, and then be open to sending cards and letters later down the line... or maybe you could at least be open with information about yourself, a letter, some pics, both of you and bfather now and as children, to help the child get an open sense of where he/she came from). Your own ideal may be different from anything you have read or heard about, but they might be receptive to your ideas.

If I were you, I would definitely not COMMIT to an open adoption without discussion and negotiating what open adoption means to you and to the a-parents, because BOTH parties should make a real effort to uphold their ends of the bargain, for the good of the child.

That is the end of my suggestion. My reasoning (long) is below.
**********

I think one problem with the question of "open adoption" is that there are really two aspects (at least, in my understanding).

Since the trend seems to be toward "open adoption," I think it pressures a-families to say they want an open adoption, even if they really don't, or if they haven't done sufficient research to understand how it works, or if they are focused on the LEGAL definition of "open adoption."

I believe the term "open adoption" LEGALLY means full disclosure of identifying information (and current addresses). I am 100% for that. I would like it to not take an "effort" for bmom to send letters, etc. to aparents or achild if she wishes, and I think it should be easy for a child to contact the bmom/bfamily.

I think usually, though, we are talking about "open relationships/communication"-adoptions nowadays, when we speak of open adoption. I think that can be a really good thing, and what I would be hopeful for in a domestic match. However, I would also be open to a semi-open relationship (communication through occasional mail, no visits) or even a closed relationship if that is what the expectant mom wanted and it was my ONLY adoption. (I am not soliciting you here; I am trying to tell you what went through my mind before we chose International Adoption... we may never do a domestic newborn adoption; if we do, though, I would want closed or semi-open since that is PROBABLY how our 1st daughter's adoption (from Guatemala) will work out, if we haven't located her bfamily by the time we would adopt another baby).

The problem comes in when people think/know they want to adopt more than one child. If most expectant women want an "open adoption," then it becomes difficult for a-parents to find "closed" situations, and if their first child is in a "closed" adoption, it is unfair (to the first) for the second child to have a "bmom" who visits and shows her love for second child.

Good luck with finding a family for your baby.

And wishing you some peace with the breakup of your relationship with your bf.

D.

[brookeinpa]

Pluma,

As a prospective adoptive mother, I would be happiest with a semi-open adoption. I would like to get to know our birthmother prior to adopting, and would like to at least know where she is so that we can tell our child how to find her when they are older. I would be happy sharing photos, letters, and e-mails. I have always thought that the level of openness in our situation will be determine by the birthmother.

Many adoptive mothers are a little afraid of full open adoptions. They question if it will confuse a child, but some do want a full open adoption. I think this is a question you should pose to the couple that interests you. Make it open-ended so that you get an honest answer. Perhaps you could say, You describe that you would like an open adoption, could you describe your ideal level of contact to me.

I hope my rambling helps a bit.
Brooke

[michellemartin]

Utah Sky, I noticed you calling your baby "the baby"... It's okay to attach even if you plan to place.
I only bring this up because I did the same thing. Called Kara the baby for ever. Tryed to distance myself from her... By doing that I couldnt fully enjoy my pregnancy.

Anyway, to your question. Some parents when they say open dont realize that sending just pictures and letters isnt exactly open. Even myself, before coming here, thought that pictures and letters were open, but that's only semi open.

My suggestion is for you to find a family who ~wants~ a more open adoption than you do. That way if you ever decide you do want more than pics and letters you could ask and they'd (imo) be more willing to do that.
Then the other warning sign is to be wary of people who say they're ~willing~ to do open. I feel a person needs to want it to keep doing it, if they're just willing, and open is a chore, then the likely hood of it staying open is less.

Good luck finding parents! And keep us posted!

[billysmommy]

Utah Sky,
"Open Adoption" means different things to different people. I have an open adoption with my kids maternal birthfamily. We call, write, email and visit. There is no set schedule as to when/where. Their first mom (and brother) was here for the weekend for Easter. Last month we went to their brothers birthday party. Last week we talked on the phone three times, the 2 weeks before not at all.
A first mom friend of mine considers her adoption as "open". She corresponds with her kids afamily via US Mail. She met them twice, she has their home adress. She has no direct communication from/with her children.
I know an afamily who has no contact whatsoever with their child's first family, but because they met before placement and exchanged information, they consider it open.
I think that you have to know what you want, before you can know what to expect from a potential adoptive family.
Sorry, have to finish this later , baby's up..............

[SchmennaLeigh]

Pluma,

I originally only wanted a semi-open adoption (letters/pictures) but the aparents let me know of their desire to have a fully open adoption. I waited until after birth to make a decision either way and, once I had held and loved my daughter outside of my body, I knew that open was the only way I would be able to carry on. We now have a fully open adoption that really confuses people at times but we're hopeful that our example will continue to show people that it is possible. Beyond all of that, the aparents were able to show me how my continued involvement in the Munchkin's life will only help to foster her self-esteem. She will never doubt, for a second, that she was always wanted and always loved.

[MkMw]

There are so many definations of open! Primarily it means (to me) that you are in direct contact with the adoptive family and choose what level of contact is best for your particular situation.

We have an open adoption - a set "schedule" for updates, but we e-mail frequently inbetween. I thought I would be uncomfortable with visits, but wasn't (we don't visit now - geographic). We know another family who started with a semi-open adoption (through the agency) and is now open, so I think, that like most relationships it has to develop into what it will be.
And your relatioship with your baby's adoptive parents (if you choose to place) will be the same way.

All the best....

[billysmommy]

.........sorry about my earlier post!
I think it is very important to be upfront and honest with any potential afamilies about the fact that your needs/wants could change. My kids first mom didn't tell anyone how much openness she wanted. She let the potential afamilies tell her what they wanted, and then she went from there. It's very easy to get caught up in the emotional roller coaster, and not think clearly. Whatever you do decide on, my suggestion would be to be very specific - visits? how many, how often....pictures, same thing. Don't leave any room for interpretation, make it all black and white, even if it says "we will need to reevaluate again in 6 months as to whether to increase/decrease ".

So how many people here really want an open adoption? Why?
Personally, I wanted an open adoption because I wanted my child to never have to wonder if he was loved, wanted etc.. I wanted him (now them) to know who they look like, where they get certain mannerisms from. I never wanted to have to say "I don't know".
And then when we matched and learned there was an older sibling , it was that much more important for us to have an open adoption. The kids did not surrender their rights to be siblings.
Just because you choose to let someone else "parent", does not minimize your importance in your child's life. You may not be their "parent" (in the verb sense), but you are that child's mother.

SchmennaLeigh -
I had to laugh at this :
"We now have a fully open adoption that really confuses people at times "
My son looks exactly like his first mom and brother. When he was about 18 months old , we went to have their pictures done together. The photographer got all set up and then asked "Ok, so who does this one belong to?" I think she was too confused to respond when their first mom said " both of us", LOL

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by billysmommy

SchmennaLeigh -
I had to laugh at this :
"We now have a fully open adoption that really confuses people at times "
My son looks exactly like his first mom and brother. When he was about 18 months old , we went to have their pictures done together. The photographer got all set up and then asked "Ok, so who does this one belong to?" I think she was too confused to respond when their first mom said " both of us", LOL

*laughs* Oh, we have a story like that. We went to get pictures together just this past May (for my birthday). Both Amom and I are now expecting but were both barely showing. So, the photographer asked who Munchkin's Mom was, and D (amom) replied, "both of us." She looked confused but said okay and went about her business. When she realized I was wearing a maternity shirt, she asked another question and I said we were both pregnant. She asked if we both had been artifically inseminated. She thought we were lesbians. *giggles* It was all too funny. I'm glad that others have been confused. Makes me giggle again.

[kenziesmom]

We are hopeful adoptive parents and we want what the birthmother wants. We are open to a totally open realtionship or a totally closed adoption. We also know that months or years down the road you may change your mind about what kind of openness you want and we are open to any changes a birthmother chooses.

I am not saying this to get a birthmother to choose us, we are simply open to different situations. Our son's adoption started out as totally open with visits and all, now it is semi-open due to the birthmothers choice. She just couldn't handle seeing him after awhile....that was fine with us. We do miss visits with her but we want her to feel at ease. Whenever I send her pictures I write her a long letter telling her all about what "our son" likes and dislikes...etc.

Hope this helps and if I can be here to listen to your concerns please don't hesitate to IM me here.

God Bless,

[79nic]

Pluma,

No, not all aparents want an open adoption. Many, many do not want a truly open adoption.

And frankly, I'd steer clear of those p-aparents. Even if you don't think you want an open adoption, your feelings might change over time. If you choose a couple who only wants semi-open, and then three years from now you find that you want fully open, you'll be out of luck. But if you choose someone who wants fully open (yet understands that you might not be able to handle fully open--but that you want the option there), then, if you are ever wanting more openness, there's a much better chance the aparents will agree to your requests.

Sadly, some p-aparents simply write that they want an open adoption because they believe that is what most p-birthmothers want. That's why Michelle said to steer clear of people who say they are "willing" (as opposed to "wanting," "excited about," etc.) to do an open adoption. The couple you choose should be able to articulate very clearly, unprompted, why they think openness is a good idea. If they can't do that, move on....

And again, I know this probably all sounds irrelevant to you, since you don't want a fully open adoption right now, but PLEASE choose a couple who wants openness, anyway (but do make them aware that you're not sure if you'll take them up on the offer of openness--that's only fair to them). It's so, so possible that your feelings will change and you'll want openness at some point.


(((Hugs)))

Nicole

[michellemartin]

Oh Jenna... LMAO over here! Thought you were lesbians... that is cute. Darcie and I did lamaze together and I announced the first day that her and I were not lesbians, but that she was adopting .

AND if I hadnt heard about the photo with you and the ap's I would never have suggested it. We were looked at a bit funny when we did each family portrait and they had theirs, then we had her in our family portrait, too.

[LisaCA]

hi pluma,

from this aparent's viewpoint, I really wanted an open adoption and would have only matched with someone who wanted at least semiopen. Why? I wanted dd to have access to her birthfamily, to know them, to see them, to connect with them. Dd's bmom is her first mom and should still be a part of her life. We matched with a bmom who only wanted at most semi open-pictures and letters occasionally, sent thru the agency. They thought it would be easier to place if they didn't see dd after her birth, and probably not til she was 18-this all changed upon her birth. the adoption is now very open, we just spent a week with both bmom's and bdad's families (they live 2000 miles away). They're coming out to see us in a few months as well. we hope to see them at least once a year. we call, I send photos and letters and they have accepted us as family and we have accepted them as family. This would have never happened if they'd have matched with someone only wanting a closed adoption. I would encourage you to explore the good and bad of open adoption situations (each one is diff) and decide for yourself. As others have said, leave the option open for yourself-match with someone wanting more than you. your life will change over time and you may decide later that more is better. I would also encourage you to think about a legally binding open adoption agreement. we have one with bdad (it wasn't necessary with bmom's side of the family) since he entered our lives after dd's placement and was unsure of the process, the agency, and us. We offered this as a good will gesture to let him know we wanted him to be a part of dd's life. We are now building a relationship which I expect to continue to grow. btw, a legally binding agreement is legal in a few states and gives you legal recourse if the aparents do not live up to the agreement. I think the benefits to bmom and her family (we are close to bgrandparents and baunts as well) and to bdad and his family are great: when they wonder what she's up to, how her life is going, what she looks like, I'm here at the end of the phone line. I expect our relationship to be like that of other family: full of its ups and downs, possibly drifting closer and/or further apart as life goes on. The benefits to me are tremendous: i have family that i truly love and care about, who care about us and dd. when dd asks the hard questions, I can say to her for example "i know your bmom loves you" and explain why I think so, what they've said over the years, even pick up the phone and talk with bmom about how to approach answering her questions etc. If the adoption was closed, I'd have much less info to give her, making my job as a parent slightly more difficult.

and I agree, many aparents will say "open" but they might not know what that means. talk to them, ask what that means to them, get a feel for the aparents as people. and if you can get a legally binding agreement, you can be assured of a minimum contact (which you negotiate).

I wish you luck!

Lisa

[sugarbabysmommy]

Pluma,
Many great points have been made, as an amom I wanted to add what I could. We have an open adoption, and to us that means we have been to eachother's homes, we share letters, phone calls, pictures, and visits. Open adoption doesn't mean the same thing to everyone, and some agencies have a very limited defintion of what it means, referring to meeting in person before or after birth and exchanging "identifying information" as an open adoption. Once you start emailing or calling couples, ask them what does openness mean to them. If someone says "it can mean whatever you want it to mean," or "we are open to whatever you want," ask more pointed questions. While we had no set idea of what our open adoption would look like, we did know there were somethings we weren't comfortable with. Like others have said, look for a family that is interested in more.

We are lucky to have a give and take in our relationships with babe's birthfamily. Being able to share our lives with eachother has been enriching. Knowing that someone in babe's birthfamily got a good grade, or new job, is as important as any other family member in our lives. My only wish, sometimes it would be nice to get more, ok any, pictures from babe's birthfamily.

The greatest benefactor of our open adoption is our child. We adults benefit too, but babe's well being is paramount. If we ever choose to adopt again we would seek another open adoption. If it turned out to be less than the openness we have now I would be sad, but that child would have a large extended family, including babe's birthfamily, and I know they would open up their arms to that child. Would it be hard for one sibling to have less openness, maybe, but does that mean they shouldn't be in our family, no. There is no way any parent can gaurantee that each of their kids will have the same life experience, let alone the same adoption experience.

Good luck in this and take care.

[BuckarooBanzai]

We have been open to the Bmom's desire and needs. Both of our sons' started out open. However, my eldest's Bmom has been AWOL for almost 2 years now. Our youngest's is still hanging in, but we are see it beginning to lessen.

Our willingness and desire to have some degree of openness is for our children's sake. One reason is for family medical history if they need it. Another is to allow them to have the ability to know that their Bmoms loved them and that their actions were based on that love.

I hope that helps. Remember, you control the situation and make sure your desires and feeling are known. Being able to contact each other is something worth considering.

Each of our sons' have a website and it is known to their Bmoms. We have used this as a sucessful means of communication. The Bmoms can look anytime and see as much as they want. They also can contact us at their choosing.