[Volfe]

I'm going to go see our baby now - finally!! -- but I decided to write a letter to the amom because I've hurt to badly this past month. I feel like I've had to beg for visits. She rarely calls me back, and I get no uninitiated contact.

I was posting it with the original intent of getting come input good or bad before it gets to her.

I'm including with it a copy of Brenda Romanachik (sp?)'s recent post of how open adoption benefits the members of the triad. and Also a quick resource guide for open adoption (more benefits).

To M

I’ve been having a lot of trouble – emotionally – with the lack of contact and communication. Frankly, I can’t verbalize the way I feel to you (or to anyone, really) because it just makes me cry. Heck, thinking about it and writing it down is hard. I mean, everyday I cry about it. And I don’t find that fair.

I realize we are both busy but maintaining contact with Gracie is important to me and to the girls. In time, it will be important to Gracie as well. We are supposed to have an open adoption and that involves a lot. I know it’s hard. I told you it was hard before when we first discussed it. And I knew there’d be pain, I told you that too. I’m very was very honest about it all. I also had said that I’d need to see her frequently in the first two years. This wasn’t a control technique or whatever. It’s just that it makes me feel better. It helps me to heal and be happy with the decision that I made. Little things make me happy in this arrangement. A phone call once in awhile. Pictures. Any contact initiated by you.

M I’d like to ask that we increase contact in a way that works for you. I’ve had countless discussions with people because I’ve hurt so badly. I called my son’s adoptive mother and talked to her for hours (well, about her and her family too, of course). I don’t talk to her much but she has always had such good answers for me. She is just great. She said that perhaps you were scared. I know you’ve told me that you were scared that I’d contest the adoption. But realize that although we knew each other for such a short time before the birth, I had an adoption plan that I had thought out for months and months. I wanted an open adoption where we could visit and get information and pictures. Why do you think I grilled you and K for so long about open adoption? Certainly not to torment you, but instead, because it is such a big step, a life commitment to a way of life many people have not ever heard of (that is, maintaining a relationship with the birthfamily).

I don’t know how to sate your fears about that. I tried to tell you that once I had involved you as deeply as having you take her home from the hospital, that the decision was final… hard but final.

Do you want to know what my fear is? I fear that we will never see her again. I am sick with that fear. Everyday I think about it. That is why I’d like to ask that we set down some dates in stone for visits this summer. Knowing when we get to see her again gives me peace of mind. It also makes the girls happy knowing they will see their sister and when. Really, I’d like the girls to be able to see her as much as possible. So perhaps we can make some arrangements for them. Like I’d said before the birth. They are her sisters and didn’t give up their rights to her. She will always have sisters. She’s a lucky girl for that. I mean, can you imagine growing up without your sister, whom you love?

Is it possible that you, your husband, your mom, your sister, the nanny, anyone involved in her life could take a few minutes each week to write down tidbits about her life and send them to us? Do you know what a joy that would be for us? You know, stuff like, she’s gotten her first tooth, she’s crawling, she’s walking, what she likes, what food she loves, your favorite moment, funny things she’s done. Silly stuff she does. The list goes on.
Just write down stuff on a piece of paper and mail it to us (some pictures would be good too, did you get that digital camera yet?).

M, I’d like you and I to just be friends. With no fears between us. And perhaps we should meet without the children to kind of discuss it. To just talk and get everything out in the open and feel better about everything. Assumptions are killers and I know they are eating me up. I also realize that basing my fears on assumptions is silly until I know the reality of the situation. That doesn’t stop me from doing it though. Arg. I just want to feel better.

Open adoption really is great for everyone involved. It especially benefits the child – in our case – children. Believe me, but I enjoy going to see you with her. You are her mom. I know, because I chose you. I enjoy hearing about her from Marsha. I’d like to see her with her grandparents too. I’m not certain they’d like to meet me, but I’d like to meet them (besides that time at the hospital).

Am I the only you know that’s experienced open adoption before? I haven’t met anyone around this area who has. It’s such a good thing. I will always be available to answer questions for Gracie and so that she knows her birthfamily loves her too. I must say that I don’t feel I’m the best birthmother. I feel guilty about not having more contact with my son. I talked to him for a long time too this past weekend. First he and Ari talked (he called her) then she gave me the phone. He’s 12 now and into computers so we actually talked about that (computer stuff most people don’t know). He plays different games on the computer but that was something else we were able to discuss at length. It’s pretty neat.

I needed to write this letter to feel better and to let you know how I feel without getting overly emotional (crying – I hate to cry). I hope you will read it and be able to respond to me. Whether you write or call I hope I have not put you off or whatever. I figure it is better to tell you how I feel, ask you how you feel, then to have both of us guessing.


Thanks for reading such a long letter,


Me

[akm]

I like the letter. Hope you get some good communication from her as a result! Good luck and enjoy seeing your baby!

Keep us posted.

A

[Jackiejdajda]

Volfe..

A good strong letter.. You stayed in yourself and you did not accuse.. IMO.

I hope it works out..

Jackie

[Shoshana]

I think it is a good letter, with a good tone. You are very clear about your needs and you don't place any blame.

It's difficult to know how the letter will be perceived, however, because I don't know the amom. One thing that I wondered is if parts of it might be a little overwhelming. You absolutely have every right to state clearly what you'd like, but the goal is to maximize your chances of success. Therefore, it might be better to just ask for letters & pics, or visits, etc., instead of everything all at once.

Best of luck to you and I hope the aparents are able to respond in a positive way.

[Volfe]

Thanks everyone,

I'm going to revamp the letter.

I decided to hold off on giving it to her because I wanted to make sure it didnt sound harsh (i wrote it so last minute).

She suggested, on her own, to get the kids and do some stuff with them this summer, so that was good.

We didn't talk much except about Gracie so I'll stop by her office before school is over and give her the note and an explanation (I really can't talk, I get all sobby, it's awful).

I got some good pics but I'd forgotten film in the film camera

I'd attach one but I have no idea how.

[Volfe]

Ok... I wanted to update anyone who might want to know that I finally sent this letter about 2 wks ago from today - it was still relevant. I got a call about making a visit on the 9th (visit will be wk-end after Turkey Day).

I didn't change it... I just let it go...

She didn't actually mention the letter and I only talked to her about how she was feeling (she had surgery) and then my lunch came and I had to go...

Thanks again everyone

Maia

[tobeafamily]

Maia,

I had hoped for you that things would improve. I do hope the letter helps. It was well written and fair.

Hang in,

Regina

[michellemartin]

Maia, I really hope she opens up a bit. I know how much you tried with this lady already. I wish there was some way I could help.

[Isabo]

Volfe,

Wow! This is a great letter. I am sorry that you were put in the position of having to send it. Can you please update us on how things are going with Gracie's aparents? Did they ever discuss the letter with you? How is Gracie doing?

[Volfe]

Hi Isabo

They never ever mentioned any correspondence I've sent (nor any arguments we've had over our contact agreement). I have not seen the afather in roughly a year and all contact involves contacting the amother to arrange a visit. And she also never sends updates nor pics which really burns my britches but now I know to expect - nothing.

It's OK, I can deal with it. The pain is not so intense, the devestation has lessened. We go to visit about every other month or so now as we are both working moms and its difficult to line up a good time (and its difficult to reach her).

However, I take lotsa pics and one of my pics of Gracie from my last visit is my avatar AND the nanny updates us when we do visit so all is well in the long run - just different.

Maia

[icunurse]

I read the letter today after seeing your reference to it in another post. I'm sorry that it's going so rough for you. I can't imagine not holding up my end of pictures, contact, letters, etc. and I'm saddened by those who don't. As we told "T", we gave her our word and that is something that we take seriously. Sure, I might be a little late with the pics or maybe we play phone tag for a while, but from the moment we brought our son home, we went out of our way to make to it clear that our home is open to her (and I truly believe that she knows it is). I want to help her heal or find peace or whatever any way I can, because if the situation was reversed I would hope for that. You wrote a very honest, personal letter and I hope that they know how lucky they are in so many ways.

[Isabo]

Maia,
I am sorry that the aparents are not honoring all of their agreement to you. It really stinks. However, you are getting the visits and getting to take your own pictures, so that is fantastic. I have a feeling you wouldn't even be getting that if you had not stood up for yourself. Good for you! And thank goodness for the Nanny! She seems to be sympathetic to you and your position.

What a beautiful daughter you have in Gracie!!!

[Jensboys]

Maia ... ugh, I am so sorry.

I hope somehow, some way they understand!

Jen

[Volfe]

I like to think that a person wouldn't be so cruel - especially where children are concerned with Gracie and her sisters.
I didn't mail this letter until August of last year. The amom had argued with me that we did not infact, have a monthly visitation agreement. Well, I have a near photographic memory of things a lot of the time, and I recounted the conversation in which SHE was the one who suggested monthly and i was the one who agreed. She did state that she agreed to monthly pics but I still don't get them... instead the nanny has let me upload all the pics from her camera to my laptop.
It disgusts me but I can't dwell on it.
Of course, when I said it was a miracle that she answered the phone this month I really meant it

I refuse to let it break me.
Thanks for the thoughts. Take care everybody.
And let karma be your guide

Maia

[shoeshopping]

She argued that you didn't have a monthly agreement. That makes me sad. Obviously, those types of conversations are vivid in one's mind when discussing something SO DIRE, NECESSARY AND IMPORTANT.

Someone help me understand how people can have a conversation/agreement about very IMPORTANT life-changing things where a large amount of trust is involved, only to have one person suffer from situational amnesia and give the lamest of the lame answers of, "I didn't say that. We never agreed on that."

SAKE.