[tbmichals]

After watching the show on 20/20 I am a little worried about open adoptions. I have no problem exchanging pictures, letters or emails. I don't know about visits 1-2 times a year. I would like to stay in contact so that when the child is older he/she can contact bmom if they want to. I think that it would be to weird having the bmom around to much. Also, when Jessica wanted to name him. I don't want to sound insensitive to bmoms in any way but, she gave these parents this baby for them to raise as their own, but she wanted to name him. I already have a name (first and lmiddle) for a girl, and I would want to be able to name her that. But it comes off as selfish if I were to say "I already picked a name" How would you suggest aparents handle this situation? And do you think it is right for a bmom to ask to name him/her?

[MustangSally]

I think Jessica had a name in mind, and the parents honored that by using it. Perhaps you will feel differently when actually matched with a birthmom. Either way, I think you should remain open about your reservations about open adoption, and make it clear you are only willing to go as far as semi open. There are many birthmothers who feel the same.

My daughter's parents changed her name and that didn't bother me at all. But then I am talking closed adoption from 13 years ago. I didn't even meet them until the placement.

Good luck to you! Stay true to yourself and in doing so, you will be true to the birthmother of your future child!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I think there is nothing wrong with any of those things. If the birthmom wants the same things it would be a great match. A birthmom who wanted more than that....would simply just pick someone who was open to the things that she wants. Sounds like you would rather have semi-opened and many, many agencies do these! Good Luck!

[matri]

I think the most important thing is to have it clearly outlined in your mind what you are looking for in the adoption agreement. The worst thing you could do is leave a bmom with a false impression. I think when you get to the point where you are meeting with potential bmoms that you should just be as honest and up front as you can. In the long run it will be greatly appreciated. It's not that what you are looking for is unreasonable so don't be afraid to let a potential bmom know. I'm sure any bmom would just be thankful for your honesty. An adoption agreement is about mutual respect so you want someone who is on the same page as you in all aspects. Just my thughts...

[girls3]

In my experience, being honest is key. While sometimes it seems hard to do, remember the child is the most important part of this whole adoption process. When I was pregnantwith my son, I had a totally different name picked out for him. And when I finally made the decision to place him for adoption his parents gave me 2 names one for a boy and one for a girl, since we didn't know what I was having. And then I asked if his parents would name him after my brother if the baby was a boy. My brother's name is Brett and they named him Austin Brett. My brother was a very important influence in my life and I felt that they would raise him to be the kind of man my brother is. Also, I see my son once a year and we live in the same town. SOmetimes we run into eachother which is awkward to say the least. But, I feel you need to know exactly what kindof adoption you want and what kind of birthmom you want to be involved with. We never forget about our children that we placed, we just would like to know that they are ok and well taken care of. I know that some bmom's only want semi-open or closed so if that's what you want then go for it. Otherwise leave yourself open to new experiences you never know how you'll feel after the baby is born. Just my thoughts. Thanks.

[logansmom]

The thing I regret most is not being involved in naming my birthson, I let her do it and didn't even put in my two cents. I was trying to be nice and let her do it. But that is my biggest regret, I should have put the name I wanted on the birthcertificate, even if she did change it.

[RosaZ]

I have read all the posts, and I would agree that honesty with the birth mother (and father) are so important.

What I would add, though, is keep an open mind. As you move along in the adoption process and educate yourself, your feelings and outlook might change.

We are adoptive parents and we worked with the birthparents in naming our daughter. We figured that the name 'our' birthmother gave her/our daughter was gift to be treasured.

We would have at least kept the name as a middle name, but since we liked the proposed name, we kept it as the first name. Now, when our daughter is old enough and sees her adoption order, the names will be the same. She won't be able to say, 'my name was supposed to be ... '

I think it would be great for bparents and aparents to agree on first and middle names and then have the original birth certificate match the adoption order.

We also thought ... if we had adopted an older child, their name would already come with them, so why not honour the birthmother (and bfather) and keep the name they chose. Of course we waited to hear what the name was before agreeing to keep it as a first name!

The whole idea of openness, and the ongoing visits that this implied, also scared us at first. Now we wouldn't want it any other way. Keep trying to learn and keep an open mind!

Just a thought ... I think the openness in the 20/20 show was more open than alot of adoptions. Seeing that would be very scary to any aparent who is not 100% comfortable with openness.

All the best in your adoption journey. It is an adventure, and has many highs and lows ... ALL SO worth it!

[lpcabaret]

Tbmichals,

After reading your post it sounds like you would be more comfortable with a semi-open adoption rather than an open adoption. But, when you make you match your feelings may change. A birthmother will share with you her thoughts/desires and you will do the same. If everyone is comfortable you will match. If there are questions, then you can see if compromises can be made. I don't think it is selfish for you to want to name your child, but I also do not think it is selfish of a birthmother to desire to be a part of the naming process. After all, she is trusting you to raise her child. If you are set on naming the child, be upfront with the birthmother. Maybe there can be a compromise of you chosing the first name and the birthmother chosing the middle name.

Just my thoughts, Lacy

[m-mom]

I left the naming completly to the a-parents, and they surprised me by naming my son after me. I have a boy or girl name, and then his middle name is after their biological son that died from health complications. i was so honored that they came up with such a loving gesture, and now when I visit my son he knows very much that his name is from me! Once a bond is formed with a birth mother you may change your mind on some of your concerns.

[AMom2Two]

When we were placed with our daughter, her birth mother was already calling her by a name she choose. She told us that we didn't have to use it and she seemed embarrassed that she let it slip out in front of us. At first, I really disliked the name she gave her but then I thought about it and I realize, it's part of who she is and where she is coming from. It was a name given to her by her birth mother, and she choose it because it reflected her hertiage, meaning it was an Irish name. I never want to take any thing away from our child. I only want to add to her life and I felt like I would be taking something away from her to not use the name at all. When we took the baby home from the hospital we told her birth mother that we are keeping her name and using it as her middle name. She was so touched and so honored by it. The look on her face was worth a million bucks.

As far as the 20/20 show, I don't know of many adoptions that are like that. I have an open adoption with both birth parents and we only see each other once a year. This is their decision, not mine. I would like to see them more, but I respect their wishes.

Please keep your heart open. You could always start with semi-open adoption and then move it to fully open, if the birth parents are willing.

Good luck to you!

[megsmom]

When we adopted our daughter we had a name picked out- well up until we got to the hospital that name was fine with her birth mom, but after giving birth she felt different and wanted to give her a name also, so we gave her 4 names, it made us all happy and now my daughter has a name from her birth mom too, which will be special to her when she is older.
BUT I must say in recent experience's I 've had sometimes you meet a birth mom and she is one of a kind or becomes very special to you, and suddenly the things you thought you wanted in adoption such as naming the child no longer are important to you, my mistake was having set things I thought were right in an adoption- so my advice is dont be to set on your "ways" or thoughts and Ideas because you never know when they will change because a birth mom becomes very special to you.

[AMom2Two]

Originally posted by megsmom
BUT I must say in recent experience's I 've had sometimes you meet a birth mom and she is one of a kind or becomes very special to you, and suddenly the things you thought you wanted in adoption such as naming the child no longer are important to you

Perfectly said!!! I agree completely, that is the way it was for me also!!!!

[michellemartin]

Definitly have an idea as to how much contact you want. I decided to not name her and to let the aparents pick out whatever name they liked and it went on her origional birth certificate with their last name also. I was advised to give her my last name just in case I changed my mind, but went against that advice and gave her theirs. They also want more contact than I did, but we've decided on a lets just see how it goes policy and have our first visit planned for a cook out in Aug. Had I chose a name and they changed it, it wouldnt have bothered me. I just am happy that I get to know her name unlike in the closed adoption era where you think about this baby and can only call it baby.

[lilifelover]

Birthmom is not birthmom until the papers are signed-remember that much. Before then you aren't anything to that baby unless that mother gives you something to share.

I picked out a name for my daughter before she was born. The name is perfect for her...her adoptive name doesn't match her as well but oh well.

EVERY birthmom should name her own child. That gives her something to share with the baby, a way to bond with the baby and some ownership that she will never be able to have back. When the hospital issues that birth certificate and SS card with HER baby's name on it...well, it means the world. The courts change the name anyway. Encourage her to have that privledge.

As far as naming goes....it doesn't sound like you're too open to adoption...or open adoption anyway. Visits? Too weird? Too weird for whom? You or the child? Remember open adoption is centered around the child, not the birthMom or the APs. It's beneficial to have the Birthparents involved in an ongoing, natural relationship throughout the child's life. Maybe consider getting a little counseling to figure out the benefits of such.

If I were you I wouldn't say, "Well, I have picked out my own name and that is that." That is so harsh. You probably didn't go into life planning to adopt, but she didn't go into this planning to place her most precious little girl. The truth is that you will be sharing her the rest of your life. She will always have two moms and two dads. One set will be parenting and one set will be birthparenting, but both will be there. Why not honor that child's exsistance by picking out a name or middle name together with the birthmom or using one of the names she chose? It gives the birthmom something special and it gives that child a sense of identy as she grows up. Think and pray about it without hardening your heart.

Oh, and have you told birthmom about the contact you are wanting to pursue? Don't you promise her anything you aren't going to hold true to. If you tell her 3 visits a year then you do it. If you tell her letters and pictures only for the next 18 years then give her at least that much. I'm so tired of hearing about APs who say one thing and do something completely different because "it's too hard" or because they were truly lying...a birthmom gives nothing but love to that child who is ripped away from her more than once when APs go back on their word. Please use the pregnancy time to be completely clear in what it is you are going to do after placement. If it is not meant to be then you will find a birthmother that fits your openness desire. Some want more than others...but to blow things up to get a baby is just wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're doing this-not at all...but it's kind of a warning from experience and watching many other birthmoms get "the letter" that explains that they are no longer that child's birthmom. It's an awful thing to do. I've seen APs flat out lie to a birthmom and throw her away once she signs the paperwork. That is no home for a child to grow up in, no lie for an AP to live and no pain that a birthmom should go through twice.

Wow, that all came from a name question. Sorry. It's been a rough couple of...well, it's been a rough year or two. You're getting some of that...don't take it personal. Take it as advice from someone who's been there and seen what it can do to the whole triad when people aren't completely candid and open with eachother from the start (and the start is before placement).