[LegallyKim]

I was wondering in any birth parents have been reunited with their birth child and found out their life was not what you had hoped it would be.

My son has a wonderful Amom - I wouldn't trade her for the world. (Sorry Melissa). I am also certain that he has had just about anything materially that he could have ever wanted or needed. But his parents are divorced. Not the end of the world but still disappointing. Also, I'm not sure about Adad's morals - it sounds like he has been in some things I would not want any child of mine exposed to.

[Missy M]

"My son has a wonderful Amom - I wouldn't trade her for the world. (Sorry Melissa). I am also certain that he has had just about anything materially that he could have ever wanted or needed. But his parents are divorced. Not the end of the world but still disappointing. Also, I'm not sure about Adad's morals - it sounds like he has been in some things I would not want any child of mine exposed to.


My daughter had some problems that I was not only disappointed at but horrified by. She was sexually abused by her a-moms 2nd husband after her a-dad died. Aside from that, I have no complaints. Her life wasn't perfect but who's is?
Please don't get offended but IMO, the fact that they are divorced shouldn't be an issue. Divorced people can and do sucessfully parent kids; and as far as the A-dads morals go, only God can judge him. If the shoe were on the other foot how would your life stand up under a close scrunity? If he didn't neglect or abuse your son then nothing else should matter.
You haven't disclosed what about his life disturbs you, and you shouldn't, but IMO just because a person is less than perfect doesn't make them a bad parent and that was my only concern...she needed love, not perfection.>>>>MissyM

[Iluvmykidz]

This is what I fear the most. And now that there's no contact, how will I know over the next 13 years? I won't--but one day I will find out. I'm hoping he has a great life though.

[FatBirdy]

I am an adoptee - my aparents divorced when I was 10 or so. That was pretty bad - but they are great and I too have had everything I have ever needed and...most of what I wanted, lol. When I met my bmom she was mad that my aparents divorced and asked me if they ever thought of her and what she wanted for me (2 parent home) when they decided to spilt. I haven't a clue if my aparents thought of her or not but - I have to be honest, it kind of made me angry when my bmom said that..........if she wanted my upbringing to be done her way she should have done it herself.

[francie169]

i am an adoptee and my aparents divorced when i was 3, it was a VERY rough divorce and all through my life it has continued to be painful. NOt only did I grow up in a one parent home, and have to explain that to the other kids, but i also was adopted. I think two things I struggled with a lot!!

My amom said that she was worried that my bmom would be upset with her when we reunited for having not been aware with the problems in her marriage before the adoption. (since most bmoms give their child up expecting them to be raised in a 2 parent home)

Could ne birthmothers give me some insite on what her reaction might be.

[LegallyKim]

Thanks for everyone's replies. Of course being divorced and raising children isn't the end of the world, everyone gets by. But honestly I did want the best home possible for my little one. There is nothing that I can do about the fact that his aparents divorced, and it was probably best for everyone in that family, but I'm still disappointed. I'm not angry or bitter, just disappointed. I would never have expected his aparents to consider me or what I wanted for him when making the decision to divorce or not and I would have been shocked if they stayed together because "that's what the birthmother wanted". I also would never say anything to my child about being disappointed. But I would say that to you all to see if anyone else feels similarly, or completely opposite like Missy, although if I had found out there had been abuse, I would have been extremely upset.

Thanks for sharing!

[BrandyHagz]

The adoptee part of me finds these threads so touching….it always makes me happy to see birthmothers from the sixties and seventies so concerned about their child’s well-being and care.

I’m an abuse survivor, mostly emotional and physical, at the hands of my adoptive mother, and then again at the hands of my birthmother more recently. I was adopted by two people who tried desperately to have a baby to save their marriage. When conceiving didn’t work, they adopted me. I had been home about a year when my parents found out they were pregnant, and by the time I was five, I was living a privately funded group home for girls. I was there, off and on, for ten years.

They ended up divorcing anyway.

I think the worst part about my story, is that my birthfamily was aware of what was going on, and was even asked if they would like to step in, but didn’t.

I think it’s so wonderful to see caring and loving women express their concern! Thanks for posting!

[eek40]

Interesting thread!

I was abused by my amom emotionally for years also my afathers mom was emotionally abusive. My a fathers stepfather sexually abused me. I havent really brought much of this up to my bmom since we have found each other because I still feel like I am an ok person, I have dealt with my abuse spent a lot of time in therapy and recovery from it. I have PTSD from it but have the skills to survive now without medication. I did tell her about my sexual abuse but just very lightly. I just was afraid it would hurt her. I have also told her that my agrandma was very hurtful, and that my amom and I dont get along. Dont know if I will ever be able to tell her how bad it ever got in my life sometimes, because I dont feel that it was her fault at all! I love her just as I still love my afamily.
Aimee

[patrisha]

francie169,

I am a birth mom that found out after reunion that my son's adoptive parents divorced when he was only 8 years old.

I was a little disappointed that he didn't get the benefit of a traditional home life and more financial stability. In the long run it wasn't nearly as important as finding out what a warm loving home his adoptive mother actually did provide.

Life comes with no guarantees. I believe his parents also adopted in hopes of saving a sinking marriage. People have babies for that same wrong reason, though.

I certainly would not be angry with someone who chose to raise my son as a single parent in a happy home instead of one with two parents no longer capable of showing love to each other (or worse).

Trish

[francie169]

Thanks so much!! THis has really helped! I just love getting opinions from bmoms!!!!!!!!!

[katburglar]

I think that it is hard as a bmom to accept that my child did not have this perfect life. That is why I relinquished because I felt that the life that I could offer him as a mother was far inferior to what he deserved. People are people and no one is perfect so I have come to accept that I expected too much. I was young when I relinquished and just assumed that if I was not to mother this child he would be placed in the hands of people who could do a most excellent job of it. Catholic Social Services, while trying to sell me down the road of adoption, assured me that my son would have a better mom than I could be at 17. It turns out that his amom is mentally ill and although she probably loves my son I do not think that she likes him very much. They had major clashes as he grew up and are not very close. Then the bmom guilt in me swells up and via "Primal Wound" I figure that it is my fault that my son and his amom do not get along. His adad, however is his favorite person in the world. He loves him and admires him as much as any child could. It helps that my son (recently turned 30) has told me that he had a wonderful life and was always pretty happy. But it hurts when I meet his friends and have been occasionally told how "creepy" and "freaky" his amother is. (The aparents will not meet me or my son's bdad). I even had to tell one friend of his to stop talking about his amom as it hurt to much to hear how abnormal she seems. I just wonder how goofy she was when Catholic Social Services was doing their screenings to place her and her husband with a child. Adoption can be so different today, but even so, people change and what may look like a good situation or person may not look that way as time passes. 70's and 80's bmoms as well as today's new bmoms just want the very best for our birth children. Anything less undermines the decision we made to relinquish.

[bmom and adoptm]

i had hoped for a happy childhood and a reunion either here on this earth or in heaven with my birthdaugher.

after the events of over 2 years ago when my birthdaughter barracaded herself in her adoptparents bedroom and fatally shot herself in the chest...i have done a lot of thinking. obviously, she was pretty angry at them.

one assumes that the adopting couple has the capacity for love when your own heart aches so much for the absolute best for your child at the time of her birth. after i met this adopt couple many years after reliquishing, i realized what idiots they both are....their lack of knowledge of child development, their unwillingness to see the signs of Shelbie's suicide and then their
neglect in getting help. how could this couple have been recommended to ever parent a child? i think that women now who have to choose the adoptparents for themselves would benefit from real help and encouragement in their selection process....it is so, so significant.

The adoptparents sent me Shelbie's childhood/adulthood Bible to have as my own. didn't get the happy childhood for her, but there will be an awesome permenant reunion for us with Jesus.

[LegallyKim]

My heart hurts for you and I am so sorry that you were not able to meet you daughter here.

Hugs,
Kim

[katburglar]

I too am so saddened for you. How difficult this must be. So many of us birth moms search to find evidence of our child being alive. I started looking for my birth son when an adopted niece of mine died in a car accident. I had to know about his existence then. I grieve for my niece's amom and bmom who will never get to meet this lovely girl on earth. Like you they will get to reunite in heaven. I admire your courage and your faith!

[Waiting4baby03]

bmom and adoptm,

I am very sorry to hear the story of your birthdaughter. I just want to say that suicide is not always easy to see until it is too late. Many times after the fact you look back and see all of the signs, but they are not very apparent before hand. I grew up in a very small town (2500 people) where everyone knew everyone. on average, there is a couple of suicides of high school children a year and no one seems to see the signs until it is too late. I guess what I am trying to say is that hind sight, yes they should have maybe seen the signs, but a lot of times the people who kill themselves seem to be at peace long before it happens because they have made the decision and know that the end for them is near. My classmate was 11 years old when he tried to shoot himself the first time, the gun was too long. He spent the next two weeks cutting the barrel down short enough so he could reach the trigger. I was with him many of those days at the pool and I did not know anything was different about him until it was too late and I looked back at the events that had happened in the weeks prior.
I hope I do not offend by putting in my two cents on the subject of suicide.