[Wingless]

I have a question for birth, adoptive and adoptees alike....

What does it say - or not say - if as a birthmother, the inital birth certificate name is not provided by the birth mother?

I am at the final stretch of my prgnancy. From the very first steps into this adoption plan (started at 7 weeks), I have made this entire experience about walking a path with another family. I have four children, the circumstances around the conception is what drove the adoption plan, which I am completely happy with. My husband (who is not the birth father), his family, our children and friends are all supportive and have watched all of us gain much joy from this experience.

From the very first appointment, the new parents have been in the driver seat, with us only offering advise when asked. The first round of blood work, the choice to have an ultra-sound... even the names have been left to them. Which brings me to my original question. As much as I have ignored the "advise" of well-meaning passer-bys about the "hows" and "whys" to an adoption... I am wondering what message it sends if I don't provide a name the first time through?

My point of view on this is ... I have four children, and obviously, we named them. A name you give a child is a well thought out, very personal thing. We spent months getting our children's names picked, and each has a story and meaning behind it. To all of us, this baby has been "M" and "P"'s from day one. Even my toddlers are waiting to meet THEIR baby. Not a sibling. So my feeling is, I don't want or need to name their baby.

But ... is there another side I may not be thinking of? The world of open adoption I think is very new.. and as "we" the front runners in it are making new rules.. we are still looking back to be sure we are not creating more pain in our attempts to lessen it.

Thanks for helping get some peace of mind as we enter the final few weeks!

Wingless

[djb_97]

Hi Wingless -

Wow, such a great question, I hope you get a lot of advice.

I am a hopeful adoptive parent, we're just starting the Home Study process and working on our Profile. My husband & I haven't been able to agree on many times as of yet, I'm hoping to include our child's birthmom in helping choose the names from our list.

What if you put the name the adoptive parents chose and if you're comfortable, you could write a letter to the baby explaining why you felt it was important for them to name him/her.

Best of luck!

Hugs,
Deb

[echaos]

Great advise from Deb on the letter. also, if you have an open adoption, you can explain it to the child when they ask.

we are in a similar situation. Liam's birthmother has us make all the decisions, including naming him. She put the names we selected on his original birth certificate. She felt that he was 'our' baby and wanted his name to be something significant for us.

I am also adopted. My adoptive parents changed my name when they got me. I've always known my original name, but it never held much meaning to me.

I think if you are comfortable with your decision and the adoptive parents are comfortable, then forge ahead!! You are right in saying that you are the front runners. There are no longer any "rules" to follow, other then what is best for everyone, especially the child.

[HappyTwinsMom]

My daughters' birthmom asked us what we wanted to name the girls, then put the first and middle names we chose on their original birth certificates (along with her last name). It was important to her that we name the babies and they stay the same.

I like the idea of you writing a letter to the baby...explaining to him/her just what you posted here...what your feelings were about "walking the path with another family" (I love that, by the way).

Best wishes on the birth of your child.

[AMom2Two]

I agree with you Wingless. Since you have the afamily so involved with this, and you brought them in at such an early stage, it would seem like the logical and kind thing to do is let them name the baby, after all, you are already viewing this child as theirs. Your children are viewing it as not their sibling. The aparents probably already have a name picked out.

My daughters situation was different, in we were not selected until the end of her hospital stay. Her bmom had already named her, and though she told us we could change it, we decided to keep it, and move it to her middle name. The name is part of heritage and she'll always know where it came from.

Don't feel compelled to pick a name. You might want to discuss it with the aparents and see what they think. I know of many who have kept the names given by the bmom's and moved them into the middle name. Some even have two middle names, so anything can work. JMHO.

Good luck!

ps...I agree with HappyTwinsMom ...."I like the idea of you writing a letter to the baby...explaining to him/her just what you posted here...what your feelings were about "walking the path with another family" (I love that, by the way). "

I love that idea also! A letter would be great. A scrapbook of the journey together would be nice also!

[Wingless]

Thank you all!

The new parents have names picked, and I am planning to use that on the birth certificate, with my last name. It is actually they who have asked me if I wanted another name. As close as we are ... there are sometimes points after a conversation I wonder.. "Okay, now was that a hint for something else??"

We have a HUGE journal started... and I am sure it is just the begining of this child's story. Maybe I will write a letter at some point and let him/her know that my choice not to name was not about not claiming or loving or anything else I have let creep into my worries these last few weeks, but because the name I chose to give him was life. That life started with me but will be forged by some pretty awesome parents. Hopefully there will be no question when he sees how much he is loved by all of us.

Thank you so much for posting. *sigh* Seems like such a little thing, but it suddenly was very heavy on my mind. I'm feeling better.

[Free_to_be_me]

When I was pregnant, I did not choose a name. The entire time, I thought of her as "Baby" When I talked to her, I called her "Baby", when I referred to her she was "Baby." I very intentionally did not choose a name because I did not want to ever think of her by that name. The greatest thing that happened, was that the adoptive parents, birthfather and I all agreed on her name when she was born. That first and middle name and my last name was put on her original birth certificate.

The thing that I noticed was that I had a kind of hard time transitioning from "Baby" to her name. So, I began calling her "Baby P--" It took a month or so before I was able to drop the baby. Knowing what I do now about that, I am really glad that I didn't choose a name for her.

I haven't ever had to explain to her about why I didn't choose a different name for her. If I had to, I would just say that I really liked the name her parents picked out.

[AMom2Two]

I've noticed that the name on the "o' birth certificates (b.c) of both Wingless and Free To Be Me, are their last names. Is the way it works? My daughters b.c. has only our last name. I was under the impression that the birth certificate we have with our last name (adoptive) are the only orginials. Is this not the case. Are these copies and the "o" is with whom? Is it possible her bmom has a birth certificate also?

I'm just curious now because I was under the impression that the b.c. we have are the only one's. Am I missing something? Can someone kindly explain to me how this works? Is it different for states? Is the orginial b.c. filed with the state and kept there?

[echaos]

Not sure how it works in the states, but here in Canada, there is an OBC that is filled out with the birth mothers info, and the name she tells them to use and her last name. (the name she tells them to use may be the name that she and the potential adoptive parents have decided on). I don't think the birth mother gets a copy of it, but the province (or maybe the adoption agency) keeps it and it is placed in a sealed file when the adoption is officially completed (usually about 10-12 months after placement). No one, not even the adopted person, can ever see or get a copy of the OBC.

The reason they do this, as it's been explained to me, is that every live birth must be registered and a birth certificate created. In the event of an adoption, the adoption is not finalized at the time of the birth, so the adoptive parents can't be named in any official way. In our case, K signed the adoption papers which put Liam "in trust" with the adoption agency, making them his official guardians. They in turn signed documents putting him "in trust" with us until the adoption was finalized, his name officially changed and we applied for a new birth certificate

I'm sure this makes it as clear as mud!

[djb_97]

Amom2two -

I second what echaos said, I'm sure MN. is the same way.

Wingless -

I think your child's adoptive family want to make sure you're comfortable with everything and want you to know that you can let them know if you're not happy with something.

You have such a wonderful attitude and I was so touched by you saying the name you gave him is Life. Your child already has such a great start, I'm sure he will not question the love everyone has for him.

I can only pray our child's birthmom is as loving, caring and wonderful as you are! Take care.

Lots of hugs,
Deb

PS. Wingless, you made my day, you may not know it, but you gave me strength & encouragement today, thank you!

[Wingless]

It sounds to pretty much the same as here in the States. I know each state has a different time frame for when an adoption can be considered finalized. I'm in Illinois. What has been explained to us is that the filing of the birth certificate is to name the mother; hence the baby receiveing my last name (or I suppose even the birth father's last name if he was present). What happens to it exactly in between the 72 after relinquishing and the 6 months until the adoption is finalized I am not 100% sure of. Although I have been told by my social worker I can request a copy of it.

Once the court appoints the adoptive parents as parents... then a new certificate is filed out, naming them as parents, and changing the child's name to whatever they so like. Obviously including the last name. The Original certificate is then sealed... and I assume filed into some dark basement.

I don't know if there are states that let the adoptive families last name be placed on the original certificate. There are probably so many rules and conditions ... it is just as well I don't understand them all. Hope that helps.

[sugarbabysmommy]

In our case, we decided with my son's birth mother and birth father what his name would be. When he was born, his birth mother gave him our last name on his original birth certificate along with the first and middle names we all chose. I don't know if other states have prohibitions about this, but in CA she could have named him anything under the sun, first, middle, and last. We got a copy of this original for our records to keep for our son from our agency. CA law says that until the adoption is final, only the lawyer involved, the parents named on the certificate, and the agency can obtain a copy. Our son's birth mother wanted a copy of the original and she has one. We finalized just recently and when the ammended birth certificate is issued, a copy should be mailed to us. As soon as the county of record received notice of the finalization the orginal was sent to the state capital to be placed in a file, now the only way to get a copy of it is by court order.

[klagenfurt]

I read all the threads before my own and feel a little bit heartbroken that from the first post to the last it seems like these little angels are being treated like a second hand motor vehicle being passed on from one person (**) to the next (ap). Place yourselves in the shoes of these children one day when they start searching for the person who gave life to them. Is it at all possible not to be so clinically about it? I know there are reasons these babies are not acceptable to the birthparents but one day, they are going to know the reason why and it may change them from a wonderful person to a bitter one.

[echaos]

Hey Maria,

Not sure why this post made you feel this way? I am in the shoes of one of these children, as I myself was adopted. I think the reason this may come across as clinical is because it's they are written statements that need words like birthparent, adoptive parent etc to differentiate between everyone. You don't have the benefit on the internet of facial expressions, hand gestures etc... that make conversations seem less clinical

[Wingless]

klagenfurt,

How the paperwork is handled is one part .. how the child is handled is completely different. The handling of the birth certificate is nothing any birth or adoptive family has any control of, and when reading my first post, that was exactly my point, the original certificate stating myself as mother will be changed once the adoption is finalized. I have no control over that aspect of it - but I have the opportunity to ensure there are no hard feelings based on what I do with that certificate.

My question had nothing to do with the paperwork handling, the thread was taken slightly off track when the question was raised in regards to the last name being listed.

My main concern has been approaching this entire issue to be sure this child never feels like he wasn't wanted. Was my choice to allow his parents to be the ones to name him better, or worse - IF questions came up later? For us, there is the benefit of knowing he will not have to go searching for some closed records to find who I am. All that information is listed right in his baby book, along with tons of photos and stories about his growing and soon to be entrance into this world.

He will always have parents, and he will always have a birth mother and father. And I am sure he will always have questions - like any child - about how and where and why things happened like they did. Some questions don't have easy answers. Some questions may never be asked. But the question regarding his being "wanted" or "acceptable" is never in question!

I chose life for him, and I chose parents for him... just because they are not one in the same does not make him any less of the precious gift of life he is.

Wingless