[keb25]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinions out there were on birthparent contact with the child after adoption. I am supposed to be meeting a prospective adoptive family next week. I am fairly comfortable with my feelings as to how often I would like letters, pictures, ect, but I am not sure how I feel about seeing my daughter post relinquishment. On the one hand I really want to be a part of her life even if I am not her parent, but on the other hand I wonder how this kind of contact might confuse her and make her life more difficult. I am also unsure whether seeing her post relinquishment might make my own emotional healing more difficult. I know that it is important to state your expectations for future contact before placing, but right now I am unsure what will be best for her. I want her to have the best life possible. I don’t ever want to cause her pain (even if it means I’ll have to wait at least eighteen years to hug her). What do you all suggest?

-Kendra

[dizzyduck30]

Kendra,

Noboby can tell you how you are going to feel. That is a disicion you will have to search your heart for. I my self being a non-relinquished sibling wished mt mother had kept contact for my sake at least, If she had i wouldn't be searching for them now. But that wasn't the right dicision for her. Keeping contact would have caused the healing process alot harder on my mother. But i have a very good friend of mine who did give her daughter up for adoption and does keep in contact with the child and the birth-parents. For her it was the right dicision. So you see it's what is right for you. Search your heart, you will find the answer. If you would like you could send me you e-mail address and i will ask mygood friend that did keep in contact with her daughter to talk with you and forward your e-mail adress to her. If your cofortable with that mine is Dizzyduck30@aol.com

Dan

[BrandyHagz]

I relinquished my daughter in open adoption in 1996. The first few years, I saw her more than I get to now…we all lived closer. It was hard, initially, but it got easier over time…at least it did for me. I have a wonderful relationship with her mother, and that’s probably one of the reasons why our “triad” has worked out so well.

You have to do what you feel like you can do. If you think that visiting will be to hard initially, then share that with them. Tell them your undecided on how you want to approach visiting, but that you want the option to be there…ask them if they are willing to “play it by ear”.

My daughters parents and I never set anything in stone…we just kinda rolled with the punches. We were all really new at open adoption, so we just did what felt right!

I have to say, eight years later, we all still have a very close relationship. I’m very fortunate, because it doesn’t always work out this way. Its better to lay all your cards on the table, and let them know what you’re thinking, rather than requesting to change the agreement post placement.

[Sledge]

I'm an adad and post adoption visits are not a bad thing unless the grown-ups don't work together. I believe that adopted children should have contact and know their bio family as long as the bio family does not try to do emotional harm to the children. My suggestion would be do what you feel comfortable doing, if you are not comfortable in the beginning with visits keep an open mind about having them in the future.

[Free_to_be_me]

I visit with my birthdaughter quite often. We have a really good relationship. I also have good relationships with her adoptive parents.

My birthdaughter's birthfather is not involved. She has expressed (on many occasions with no prompting from me) frustration, anger, grief, sadness and a sense of loss because she doesn't know her birthfather. She has asked me if he loved her, why I don't have pictures of him in my current photo albums, what he is like, where he is and if he's dead. Every now and then she will save a picture or a painting that she made to give to him, even though she hasn't seen him since she was six months old.

I am not saying that an adopted child cannot do well if he or she does not have contact with birth parents. I am saying that my birthdaughter seems so much more at ease knowing who I am than not knowing who her birthfather is.

She has never gotten confused about who I am or wondered why I visit. She has asked me if I was her real mom (she also asked her adoptive mom) and she asked if she could come and live with me. She also asked her adoptive parents. So, there have been some interesting conversations, but they really weren't that difficult. She was basically just checking to make sure all of us were on the same page...we told her that I'm her birthmom and no she can't live with me. It was that simple.

[banjo]

I'd go see her - I saw my bchild the first week she went to the afamily and then a few weeks later then a few months later etc I saw her six times last year and spoke to her on the phone, along with sending her cards and post cards.
Don't think the bchild will get confused - that's just old wives' tales - it's thinking from ignorant people who know nothing about open adoption. If children get confused then they should not have step-parents - how confusing is that??? many children have many step parents but that's OK in today's world while bparents remain these scarey people that should be avoided at all costs! It's total rubbish!

Many of us bmothers never heal! 12 year's on the pain is still there and infact it got worse after the birth of my second child. Many other bmothers have reported this as well so if I was you I'd just hang in with the pain, get counselling from someone who knows something about adoption and keep seeing your bchild for her sake!

My bchild's abrother wishes his bmother was like me...she has not had contact with him for years - her choice. He's very sad and angry about that. I know you have to do what is best for youself but also think what is best for your child and I think that is open adoption with regular constant visits.

BTW: I went kite flying with my 3 year-old and it was great fun. I also went kite flying with my bchild at the same age and have photos to remember the occasion - wonderful memories - no one can take that away from me! I have photos of both children flying kites at the same age! Imagine not having those beautiful memories....

[bromanchik]

The research shows that kids are not confused as to who their parents are. I am a birthmom in an open adoption. My son is 19 years old. (We were one of the first) He has never questioned who his parents are. He knows me and his birthfather as his birthparents. I asked him recently what he would say to others to educate them on open adoption and he said. "I would tell people to get a life. It's not as complicated as people make it out to be." (He is a 19 year old boy....) But the bottem line is that kids are only as confused as the adults around them. If you know and are comfortable with your role, they will be too.

I have a lot of info on open adoption on the website below. Also, please feel free to call the resource line. I would love to talk to you about how fully open adoptions can work to benefit the child.

[stacyone]

I'm an amom in an open adoption. My daughter is only 22 months old, so time will tell, but so far it's working very well.

After M's birth, her bmom saw her with us several times before we all came home. Several friends of mine were aghast at this, so I asked her point blank if it made it harder for her. She responded that seeing her with us made it easier -- we were so obviously happy and in love with her.

It's also worth noting that my daughter's bparents initially said that they only wanted letter & pictures once a year. However, WE actually encouraged more and now we've settled pretty comfortably -- e-mail pictures once a month or so, packages of photos 3-4 times a year, and visits at least once a year. Since M has two older brothers (and a soon-to-be-born younger sibling) it's really important that we keep the focus on them. M's bmom and I agreed at one point that even if it got difficult or weird for US, we would continue this because it's really for the kids...

[Decision]

I have done a lot of research on the effects of adoption, when I found out about open adoptions I was even more curious.
It is very difficult for the natural mother and adoptive parents, but if they are "adult" about the situation it is in the best interest of the child that the natural mother stays in her childs life. The child will grow up knowing he/she is loved by both sets of parents, the ones who nuture her and the ones who gave birth to her.
I believe that it would cause less confusion for the child, esp during the teen years when it is hard enough to find their own identity. The adoptee will never have that need to search for the natural mother is already in their lives.
When the natural mother looses contact with the adoptive family the child will be more confused, there is a less chance of the child feeling abandoned when their is an openness to adoption through their lives.
Hugs
Melissa

[Colorbind love]

No offense, Decision, but I cringe at the term 'natural mother'. Such a terms implies that the REAL mother raising the child I carried is somehow UNnatural. I am her birthmother or her first mother. I am NOT her 'natural mother' that title belongs to the woman who had NATURALLY loved and raised her for 10 years.

When I was pregnant, I honestly thought I wanted a completely closed adoption. When I finally asked family members to adopt her, desperate to find a good home for her after a terrible match and an impending birth, I realized that I was going to have to have contact, whether I wanted it or not. There were times that the contact was extremely hard on me. And, there were times when the contact was the most healing situation that I could find.

But, what I have realized 10 years down the road is that regardless of what the contact has done to me, it has been nothing but beneficial for HER. There are many adoptees in my family (8 currently) and she is only one of many. I've seen first hand, not just with her but with the other 7 adoptees growing up in the family, what the difference in openness does for the children. By and far, the one has struggled the MOST with adoption is the one with a completely closed adoption. Even the 2 international orphans have had less struggles than he has had because he knows the information is out there and he cannot access it. My birthdaughter has had the LEAST struggles of all of the adopted children, and hers is the most open adoption in the family. I honestly believe that has everything to do with the fact that she can get ANSWERS whenever she wants them. Unlike the others who may need to go through a mediary or an adoption agency, the one who can't even do that or the 2 who need to find contacts back to Africa and hope answers can be found, she can simply pick up the telephone and talk to me. She knows who I am. She knows I am her birthmother. And, she knows why I placed her for adoption because she asked ME. Her adoptive parents told her what they thought and then she sought clarification from me and I told her from my heart. She doesn't have to wonder who she is because she can find it.

Looking back, not having open adoptions really does not make sense to me. And, once everyone got over the uncomfortableness of the relationship (which took several years) things do quite well for all involved.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't read everyone's replies on this post. No offense to anyone! I just know that this can bring differing responses. I'll share my story briefly.

I originally thought that I didn't want any phsyical contact post-relinquishment for a slew of reasons including confusing my birthdaughter and my own mental well being. When the Adad brought it up shortly before I gave birth, I didn't give a specific answer as to when I would be able to visit but rather I stated that I would like that option to be open. He accepted that answer gracefully.

Right now, we're working on setting up our first visit (sometime in the spring, after this crazy weather stops being, well, crazy!). They have informed me that they want me to be in that month's portraits with Munchkin, which touched my heart in a way I didn't think possible.

In short, my point is, leave the door open to visits. You may or may not want them but you can't know how you're going to feel until you are actually in that position.

Best of luck in your decision making.

[anna'sbirthmom]

My daughter is 6 going to be 7 years old this summer. My adoption has been open all the way! Your feeling change every year and day on how much you want to know and how much you want to see her.

At first I wanted letter and pictures and visits often then it got to be less. I felt gulty about not feeling gulty.

Anna has always been told everything at times I think she knows to much. Kids are amazing and they understand more then what you think they ever will.

Keep it open! Make a good relationship with the adoptive parents if they are not people you can have a good relationship with then maybe they are not the family for you. I belvie that open adoption work well as long as both side work at the relationship.

No matter what it will be hard.

[schatz]

Not to minimize your feelings, but it really is about what is best for your child.

I had many of the same questions when I was pregnant with my daughter. Luckily, I was offered excellent resources and I was able to learn on my own that open adoption wasn't about me, but about my daughter.

Today, I think to myself "How could I explain to my daughter that although I had a chance to be a part of her life, I chose to walk away? That even though I knew she would have questions and that she would feel the pain of loss, I put my pain first." I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine taking away her right to know where she came from.

Is it hard to see her? Yes, but sometimes all I can think about is when do I get to see her again- there is joy, too. Other times, I want to walk away because I can't accept my new role.

It doesn't really matter though, what matters is that I'm doing the best thing for my daughter by being in her life so that she can see with her own eyes and feel with her own perfect fingers the love I have for her.

The pain is worth it when she takes my hand to lead me around her house, when she cuddles up to read a book and falls asleep in my arms, when she looks at me as if to make sure I'm still there.

My daughter is only eighteen months old and I see her only every few months, but she does all this already. I could never walk away. I owe her more than that.