[faith_amom]

I need a Bmom perspective on this so I can understand . . .

We have a semi-open adoption w/my son's Bmom. We sent her pix/letters every other month for the first year and then twice a year thereafter (on Bmom's Day and at Christmas). My son is about to turn 3 years old. I have always sent the package (which also includes a videotape at Christmas and drawings by my son) to the agency, who, in turn, calls the Bmom to let her know the package is coming and then mails it out to her. I then follow up to make sure they got the package, mailed it out, and called her.

This time around, when I called, I found out that Bmom's phone has been disconnected and that she hasn't update the agency w/her new phone number and presumably new address. I am so upset about this. Now, I realize that I might be jumping the gun -- she could have just changed to a private number or just moved and hasn't sent out "change of address" cards or whatever. However, if the package is returned because she has moved, I am going to be so sad.

Why would she move and not send the agency a forwarding address? I can understand that the packages might be hard to read, but wouldn't she want to receive them and then read them when she is ready? If we do lose touch w/her, what do I tell my son about her losing touch w/the agency? (The agency will not track her down -- they put the responsibility on the Bmom to keep them updated w/current info.)

Please help me to understand. I can understand dropping out of sight if it was too hard to write letters or whatever, but to receive them?? I KNOW that it isn't because she doesn't care or doesn't love him anymore. I saw her eyes when she talked about placing him for adoption -- that kind of love doesn't go away. But how do I let my son know that she didn't just stop caring? PLEASE help me to understand this.



- Faith

[lookwithlove]

Faith,

I am not a bmom, but rather an adoptee reunited. I am sorry to hear about your disappointment. I really want to commend you on your efforts to keep your sons birthmom informed and sharing pictures with her. This was a difficult decision for her to make. Usually though, you hear about stories where the adoptive mom stops communication...three cheers for you for holding up your end of the agreement.

Please also understand that she may be dealing with tremendous grief. I know from my own experience that the roller coaster of emotions sometimes doesn't really hit you deep for years to come. This is also a difficult time of the year with the holidays to reflect on. I would have to venture to say that I bet she is just having a hard time with dealing with everything. She's in between a rock and a hard place...she longs to know her son, but the pain is so great that maybe she has decided it is best for her to wait to catch up when she can be assured of a full reunion and a place in his life where he knows about her. Right now she is still and probably feels like such an outsider looking in.
Give her time to sort her feelings out. This may take some considerable time, but I ask that when she is ready, that you continue where she left off. Don't make her feel any worse for the decisions that she is making.

Again, I applaud you for your efforts to maintain contact. Someday your son will know about this and he will see just how hard you worked to include his bmom in his life. This is truely a great gift that you are giving to him.

Until then, enjoy the holidays with your family,
Kelley

[faith_amom]

Thanks for your response.

For now, I plan to continue the pix/letters, etc. as always and save them for if/when she ever contacts the agency again. I imagine it will be hard to put the effort in as the years pass w/o hearing from her (if that happens). But don't you think I should do this for my son's sake as well as for hers if she changes her mind? Even if they don't reunite until he is 21, Nicholas can take along 18 years worth of pictures, letters, videos -- a complete history of his childhood. And, if they don't reunite, I guess he will have the history for himself.

Isn't is a shame that I got matched w/a Bmom who cut off contact when I am wiling and eager to keep contact, and then there are sooo many Bmoms who have contact cut off who wish to continue the contact? I can't complain because I have my wonderful son, but it is a shame that things work out the way they do.

Still in tears over this.

- Faith

[missheather]

I know she will contact the agency....... it happens quit often! She is dealing with ahard time right now and it might be something else besides the baby she gave up. She's hurting and has decided to try to put it out of her mind which she will not be able to for long. If she doesn't surface this christmas, she will by next! Think of her......... she might be pregant again, or maybe lost her home due to finances, or in a huge fight with her family. She might be running but she won't hide for long, I promise!! Also, she might just be "in-the -middle" of moving or finding a new place to stay........ she'll contact the agency!! It's okay........ you have her son and she knows where to find you!!

[3inCO]

Faith, it is confusing when birthparents seem to drop out of the picture. My two son's birthparents have never picked up the pictures and letters that I have been sending twice a year for almost 8 years now. They cut contact with the agency shortly after placement. I found this out several months ago and was devatstated for my sons. Through this forum, many wonderful birthmothers shared with me that it is often just too painful to get those reminders of their birthchildren, even when they thought they wanted that in the begining.

I have also learned throught the agency and from those here, that sometimes, many years later, the birthparents are ready to see and hear about the children. I decided a long time ago that because we had made a promise to keep everyone updated, we would honor that promise. I will contine to do as I always have and send the same info. twice a year until the boys turn 18. I want them to know that it is important to honor your commitments, and I want the birthparents to know that we respect their wishes and undestand the pain they may be going through, but that we are honest and ethical people, who do not make promises lightly. Considering their pain, it is the least we can do.

Your child's b-mom may just be busy and has not yet contacted the agency, she may be going throught a touger time than before at this point and she needs to take a little break. I know how sad you feel for your son. I recently talked to my oldest about this as he wants to know why his sister sees her b-mom and he does not. I explained that his birthparents love him so much that it would probably be very hard for them to see him and to know that they can't be with him all the time. I feel so lucky that we were able to meet his birthmom and that I am able to say honestly that "I know how much they love you, because the told me so"

Good luck to you. Feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to
talk with who is dealing with a similar situation.

Becky

[maryjanek]

Originally posted by faith_amom
I need a Bmom perspective on this so I can understand . . .

I'm a Bmom from an earlier era. My adoption was closed and I was given to understand that there was no way around it -- I would never see my son again. I finally did break the hold of fatalism and reunite with him four years ago, when he was 30. As wonderful as it has been, his childhood was lost to me forever. The gifts he's given me that have touched me most have been a couple of childhood mementos -- a hand print from kindergarten, a locket with a toddler-age photo, children's drawings. Please keep putting your son's things away for that day in the future when he and his Bmom may meet.

Because my situation was so different I can only try to imagine what your son's Bmom is experiencing, but it's not hard for me to believe it is very difficult for her. She loved her baby and was separated from him while another mother took her place. She knows she did the right thing, but no human being is perfectly selfless. Maybe she can't come to terms with her grief, but needs to bury it in order to continue with her life for now. That's what I did. I never forgot, but it was rare that I consciously "remembered." It was too painful.

I wouldn't worry too much about your son's reaction to this. He will accept that she relinquished him for his sake or he may feel hurt by it depending on his own personality and circumstances, but he can't really understand until he is an adult himself. I would just reassure him of her love, which you feel so certain of, and make sure he always feels your love as well.

Mary Jane, Bmom in reunion 4 years

[Sharon]

"Isn't is a shame that I got matched w/a Bmom who cut off contact when I am wiling and eager to keep contact, and then there are sooo many Bmoms who have contact cut off who wish to continue the contact? I can't complain because I have my wonderful son, but it is a shame that things work out the way they do." ~ Faith_amom

It is one of the saddest ironies I've ever had to deal with. There must be a better way of determining both parties' true intentions during the matching process.
Sodium Pentathol? Lie detector tests? Just kidding, of course.
Please know that you are not the only one who sees the bitter irony in this.
I can't tell you why the birthmom in your case has changed her mind, and I don't expect you can tell my why the adoptive parents in my case have.
I only know that it's awful either way, and I think the only way it will ever truly be resolved is by making open and semi-open agreements legally binding on the part of both birthmothers and adoptive parents.
I wish I had more faith in humanity, as some of the other posters seem to.
Best wishes to you and your son.
~ Sharon