[FaithnBelief]

I'm a birthmother who still has my infant twin babies after being 'matched' up with nearly half a dozen wishy washy, shallow, self-serving AND deceptive adoptive couples. I want to hear from other mothers out there, what has been your experience with the families and attorneys you have worked with? I've had couples matched that were single parent and then dual careerists, another who didn't want the children when they found out they were twins because they'd 'have to move and it'd be a lot of work', then I was told the mother only wanted one child because she planned to continue working, after she told me she was going to be a stay at home mom, one got totally metaphysical on me and starting talking about the stars and if they were compatible, two other couples who don't want the twins because the couple began disagreeing about whether or not they wanted to adopt at all!!! Hello... are there any normal mom and dad couples out there left who have their act together? Maybe it would be better to raise my children struggling and juggling and stressed, I want to hear from other moms who have more info so I can make the best choice for my twins here!

[Searching_03256]

I am not a bmom, but...

I would suggest working with a different agency or attorney. I have found matches not work out after everyone has met but surely not like what you have been through!

There are some prosepctive aparents out there that would shy away from twins but my experience is that the majority would not.

I am truly sorry that you are not being introduced to the kind of prospective aparents that you would make a match for you. Of course if you decide to raise then you should be supported - if you decide to continue considering placing, find a different agency or attorney and I am sure you can find the match for you and your babies.

-Scott

[lucyjoy]

Sounds like you found all the bad ones. I readopted a child whose first adoptive mom was single with a day job and a night job. She took my son at age 3 from a foriegn orphanage and tried putting him directly in day and night care. She couldn't seem to understand why he wasn't adjusting well.

Maybe you could get some help and raise them yourself.. If not, are you working with an agency that you could give pickier criteria to so they'll screen the parents better? I know there are some really good adoptive parents out there that get that the children's needs come first. I hope you find a good solution for you and your children soon.

[FaithnBelief]

Thanks for your thoughts, Scott and Lucy, and I want to add that I KNOW there are excellent adoptive parents out there, I hope my post isn't misunderstood, I've just had a tough time with everything, not easy to begin with, the difficulty with finding a wonderful family has made it much harder.

The attorney I'm working with and his staff are great, they seem to be as shocked and dismayed with all of this as I am, I do trust that they are doing their best, I'm at a loss to explain why things are working out this way. They understand my situation, that I love the girls a great deal, I want a loving, happy family and home for them, plenty of financial security, the roots and stability of an extended family, adoptive parents who are energetic and enthusiastic who will devote lots of time and attention to the children, so I prefer a stay at home parent, or a couple who both works from home and has plenty of flexibility, at least one of them able to put the babies first.

I hurt over all of this, because I'm in love with these babies, but I am overwhelmed by their needs, I can't give them all they need and deserve, and I have prayed for a resolution, for them to be with two loving parents and living a life where they are nurtured to grow into the beautiful, intelligent, successful, loving and strong women I know they will be one day. I pray constantly for this for them.

[Sharon]

Faithnbelief,
I'm a bmom of a 13-year-old son (semi-open adoption closed by aparents after one year). Please do keep in mind that aparents, like the rest of us, continue to grow and change; their lives are not static. I only worry, if your primary criteria for adoptive parents are a two-parent family and a stay-at-home caregiver, that you will feel very disappointed and betrayed if you manage to find this type of situation for your children and then it changes (ie. parents divorce, mom has to go back to work after all, etc.). Even the "financial stability" part can change... adoptive parents are as likely as anyone else to suffer lay-offs and reversals of fortune in these unstable times. Remember that however open your adoption is, once you relinquish your parental rights the children are no longer yours, they belong to the adoptive parents, to raise as they see fit. It just seems that you're expending a lot of time and energy trying to control the "externals" of the situation... and those are the very things that are most likely to change, in anyone's life. If I were you, I would focus more on potential aparents' views about family and child-rearing than on their career, financial, or even marital status... all of which is likely to change. Whereas their views, their feelings about children and about parenting, are less likely to change and more likely to matter in the long run, IMO.
I wish you the best of luck. There are many wonderful people out there hoping to adopt. I've met many of them on this forum. If you absolutely cannot find adoptive parents that you feel would be appropriate for your children, then you might have to look into options for parenting them yourself. You seem very self-assured, and it sounds like you have strong convictions about the way your children should be raised. Although you do not feel your circumstances are optimal right at the moment, they'll probably change, just like everyone else's.
My experience, when I was considering adoption and viewing parent profiles, was the opposite of yours... EVERY ONE of the potential adoptive parents sounded like they were better equipt to raise a child than I was. My problem was not that I couldn't find aparents that seemed appropriate for my child, it was that they ALL seemed appropriate, and so I had a hard time "choosing". I kept feeling like, "Hey, I'm just a kid. What right do I have to be CHOOSING whether this family or that family gets to have a child?" It seemed like a bad joke, that someone in my position, a pregnant teenager, should have that sort of power over grown-ups. I did eventually choose the ones that SEEMED the best... I was wrong. I made a wrong choice. It seems inevitable... it would be difficult to make a "right" choice based on the limited information available and the fact that people's lives and feelings do change. The situation described in a homestudy or parent profile will more than likely not be the situation five or ten years from now, any more that your situation will be the same.
Others may advise you to get to know the potential adoptive parents, to wait for a couple that you "click" with, etc... and they may very well be right. But my thoughts on the subject are that all the potential adoptive parents presented to you have already been thoroughly screened and checked out by the state, any of them will do, any of them are just as likely to be "right" as any other, so you might as well just flip a coin and pick somebody... your odds of finding the "right" parents for your children would be just as good as if you agonize over the choice.
It's a coin-toss regardless. Also, if your children are already born, they need to bond with the people who are going to raise them, whether that's you or somebody else... it is not in their best interest that you wait too long. If you are not able to find aparents who you feel can do a better job raising them than you can, then I guess there's only one answer; the appropriate parent for your children is you. It sounds as if you are really agonizing over their future, and you need to be aware that no matter how carefully you choose aparents, once you sign away your rights to your children their future will be entirely out of your control.
Best wishes, whatever you decide.
~ Sharon

[ladybuglady]

Hi,

I am not a birth mom, so please forgive me for replying, I, like you, am shocked that you have had such a response! I know many prospective adoptive moms (and I am one also) and we all just think that it would double the joy! Maybe Heavenly Father is working with a couple to get them ready and for your attorney to find them. Hopefully something will work out soon! Keep up your prayers, it will all work out. I wish you the best of luck in your adoption. I would assume that you would want to keep it open so that you could still be involved in their lives.

I wish you the best of luck and Godspeed in your search!

LBL

[dream mom]

I am sorry you are having such a tough time of it!! I am an amom and when we worked on our homestudy we had to answer many different question about ages and races of children etc. We were pretty open and we also had said we would be intersted in twins, I am sure there are families out there who truly would be thrilled to have the opportunity to be chosen to parent twins. I would suggest asking your attorney to ask for other profiles from other attorneys he knows , or ask and agency to see some profiles, I don't think you have to commit to anything,or you can look at parentprofiles.com , I do not know if you have met any couples in person, We met our daughters birthmom in person and we continue to have contact with her. I think meeting perspective aparents in person will give you a better feel for their character, you seem very intelligent and I am sure you heart will tell you if someone is not being truthful or sincere. Best wishes in whatever you decide!

[Dianna]

I really like Sharon's reply. We are all just people after all. You sound a lot more together than the aparents you have talked to so far. Best wishes and vaya con Dios.

[May]

Wow, tough situation so far for you! I found my daughter's parents so easily, so I can't imagine searching so hard, but I know it must be difficult!

I think Sharon's post was great. It's good to know what you want and not to settle for people who might not be great parents. Just be careful you're not overlooking some wonderful, loving parents who would be perfect for your children.

[FaithnBelief]

I wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts with me, and let you know I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

Sharon, I do understand exactly where you are coming from, your post definitely hit a sensitive spot with me, because I know various life circumstances change for everyone. I probably do come off as a kind of control freak when it comes to choosing the adoptive family, more than anything I want to minimize the risk of the girls being with a family who may create more chaos in their lives than what might be considered average. So I look for that mom who is smart and funny and warm and nurturing, who seems like she has a good heart and is practical and resourceful, who would be able to weather the storms and shelter the girls from much of life's could be trauma. I look for mom and dad being on the same page, he's there for her and the girls, they aren't disagreeing about their goals and desires, they're supportive of each other, there's an air of friendship and respect between them, they're genuine and honest. These are the role models I want for the twins, people to pattern themselves after. Finding this couple will make my feelings about the adoption something I can live with and feel good about, that I made a good choice. I feel like this is my responsibility to them, as the woman who conceived them and gave birth to them and who is now caring for them until they are placed, this is the final and best thing I can do for them both. Also, to Dream Mom, I'll do what you said about meeting the parents first, that had not been discussed as an option, but I think it's a great idea, I'm calling the attorney next week to let them know that's what I want.

I wanted to share a pic with all of you and ask you to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and I will do the same for you.

[FaithnBelief]

Photo

[amy123abc]

My thoughts will be with you and the twins. I am a mother who is matched. I meet with three couples before I decided to work with the couple I am working with. I also found this board very helpful with getting questions answered. My heart is so sad that you were unable to find a nice couple even working with an attoreny. The adoption worls is something that I feel has many issues both positive and neagtive and rules should be set fourth to protect birthmothers like yourself and a-mothers and even mothers like myself who are starting this process of placing. I wish I could say something to make you feel better and I wish that I could help you out even if you just needed someone to talk to. Your twins look so happy and cared for in the picture and I can understand at times it can be overwelming, I have a 19 month old at home who still won't sleep through the night, and I can remember those first few months it can be hard. I hope that you can find someone you trust in your town to talk with and also maybe come over and help so you can get some rest. I feel bad for you that the couples treated you the way they did, but I am sure if you really need help someone on this site or through your attoreny should be able to help you and the twins out. Also your state might be able to help out. I wish you and the twins the best and I hope everything works out for all of you in the end. If you need to talk please email me and I will be happy to listen as I am sure many other people would.

Amy

[dream mom]

glad I could help, you will know in your heart who is honest and being themselves and if you are truly ment to place then you will feel a connection with a couple, I admire you courage and commitment to giving these cuties the best whatever you should chose. Best wishes and be strong, your attorney works for you, and any couple who is worth parenting should be willing to meet you face to face! IMHO Dream MOM

[dream mom]

there are aparents who are honest! we were and are honest with our daughters birthmom and we will always be true to her and the promises we made, because it's not always about what we do or don't want it's what is best for the child! I would not dream of going back on the commitent we made to her birthmom!

[dream mom]

maybe so but honestly the process aparents go through to adopt is very invasive and it requires a lot of honesty and commitment, homestudies explore and probe very aspect of your life and social workers do have the descretion to not recommend perspective parents to be certified. Not all aparents are dishonest , Getting approved to adopt definently takes commitment you do have to literally prove yourself worthy, not that it's a bad thing by any means.