[sspete]

As a bmom to a 19 year old daughter I have often wondered what it would have been like to have an open adoption all the years that I missed!!!! In the early eighties open adoptions were hardly ever heard of.

MY QUESTION FOR ADOPTEES, BIRTH PARENTS, AND ADOPTIVE PARENTS-----

1. ADOPTEES.....WOULD YOU HAVE PREFERED AN OPEN OR CLOSED ADOPTION WITH YOUR BPARENTS????? WHY???

2. BIRTH PARENTS.....WOULD YOU HAVE WANTED YOUR CHILDS ADOPTION TO BE OPEN IF YOU COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN???? WHY????

3. ADOPTIVE PARENTS......IS YOUR OPEN ADOPTION GOING WELL, OR IF IT IS CLOSED DO YOU WISH YOU COULD OPEN IT??? IF IT IS OPEN DO YOU WISH YOU COULD CLOSE IT??? WHY???

[BrandyHagz]

As and adoptee with an absolute HORRID birthmother...whom I've known almost all my life...I can say....


It depends on the birthmom and a-parents...


Do I wish mine would have been open? It kinda was...and I wish it werent. Knowing my birthmother has been a pain in my side for a long time. She never want me nor did she ever wanted a relationship with me...she was thrust into my life by my a-mom, in hopes that she would take me back.

If my a-parents, and my b-mom had been different, so might my feelings. As far as I am concerned, they are all horrid people, and they are not a part of my life any longer....Thank GOD.

I dont speak for every adoptee...nor do I speak about every birthmom..

I am a birthmom in an open adoption, I'd say things are ok for us...we've become best friends...and I love my daughters mother like she were a sister.

[MomTo1]

Our open adoption is going very well.

My daughters birthmom and birthdad both have established good and friendly relationships with both my husband and myself. We plan to have ongoing visits and look forward to our yearly outtings. We have a phone relationship with the birthmother throughout the year. Usually we chat about once a month, or so. We know where each of us are in our own lives and sometimes will speak more often, if needed.

We hope our daughter will grow up to not feel the loss of adoption that some adoptee's feel but rather the postive's of adoption, the good that can come to ALL involved.

[sweetnoodle]

I think I would have preferred closed, but I think the best thing for me would have been open.

An Adoptee,

[stacyone]

I'm an aparent -- so far so good on the open adoption here. We have visits at least once a year, phone conversations every couple of months, email photos frequently, send hard photos 3-4 times a year.

I, too, am hoping to "front-load" for the inevitable "where did I come from?" questions. I also think it's important for my daughter to know her brothers.

That being said, it's easy for us -- M's birthmom is great.

[pjinokeechobee]

as a bmom in a private adoption situation I wish in the 80's open adoption had been a more common thing. If for no other reason than to know the child ( in my case daughter) was alive and well. I think that is what bothers me the most is not knowing if she is alive and well. I requested a picture from the aparents after the papers were signed (through the attorney) he told me to go on with my life! At 17 years old until today those words were devistating! I wrote a letter to my bdaughter explaining why I gave her to this couple and begged for them to give it to her when they thought she was ready. I think now if it got into the attorneys hands she will never see it. I poured my heart out in the letter tear drops and all. Some days I do regret my decision but I don't feel I could have provided her with all she would have needed. So in short (lol) Open adotion would be my preference with guide lines of course. daughter born 6/82 illinois

[Shoshana]

anyway -- here goes again.

i wish i had been raised in a semi-open adoption. i say semi-open versus open due to the dynamics in my adoptive family when i was a child. (now of course, it's an "open adoption" and everyone's like an extended family").

having a semi-open adoption, i believe, would have saved me innumerable struggles as a child and teen. i had significant identity and connectedness issues which i believe were a direct result of having NO information about my birth family. i also believe it was due, in part, to learning about adoption at such a young age and not having the cognitive capability to understand the ramifications of adoption so parts of it were very confusing. i remember having these thoughts when i was as young as 3. (to give you a context -- i also remember thinking at 3 that santa claus couldn't possibly be real because reindeer couldn't fly, there were too many people in our town to visit in one night, and some people had no chimneys -- i guess i always thought too much and tried to figure things out).

some adoption examples:

i didn't know if i was supposed to be my parent's child, or if i was supposed to be their neighbor's child, or even a stranger's. if i didn't know where i was supposed to --be--, how could i know who i --was--? the neighbors adopted a boy a couple of months before my parents adopted me and from the same agency (actually a home for unwed mothers). my parents refused the referral of that little boy because they wanted a girl. the little boy was later found to be mildly mentally retarded. so was i supposed to be retarded? was he supposed to be me? and how was it that i ended up where i did? it seemed so incredibly random and that randomness i found confusing. i still remember this child's name -- teddy bayer, no less.

a related example - my parents had a daughter who died of leukemia at the age of 3. 2 years later they adopted me. janelle seemed to be a part of me. was i supposed to be dead? why was i there and not janelle? it probably didn't help that she had blond hair and brown eyes like me.

i also remember thinking that everyone in the world had a "real" relative but me. my cousins were more related to my parents than i was. i remember reading phone books as young as 3rd grade and trying to recognize a name by osmosis that might be a blood relative. was i irish? german? italian? a mutt? everybody else had a nationality.

another part of adoption that i found confusing as a very young child were parts of what i call "adoption myths." the statement, "your birth mother loved you so much she gave you away." now, was that actually said? maybe not, but that's what i heard. think about the implications of that statement -- it doesn't take long to get to the translation that "love means abandonment."

another statement: being adopted means being special. sometimes, this worked for me. i was proud, at times, of being adopted. but it didn't always protect me from not --feeling-- special. if i was so special, why didn't i know another living soul who looked like me?

another myth: what i call the "as if" myth (actually, i don't believe i invented this term, i've read about it somewhere). as if this family is no different from any other. as if the child is no different from any other. the "as if" myth creates a culture of silence and pretending. it's not okay to feel different or wonder because our family is no different. as if the adoption didn't happen and you had no history prior to being a member of this family.

another myth: this one is getting better in the U.S., i believe, with time. but when i was born, there still existed the "bad blood" myth. bad enough that the child was most likely born out of wedlock (read, illegitimate, or even bastard). but what if the birth parents were from a lower socioeconomic status than the adoptive parents (this is usually true, btw). what if the child inherited 'bad genes" and would grow up to have traits that weren't valued in the adoptive family?

birthdays were especially painful. i developed a ritual of staying up past midnights on my birthdays -- even on weeknights during grade school. i was overwhelmed with questions and emotions.

it wasn't just about not knowing my nationality or who i looked like. i didn't have a model for my emotions or behavior -- my personality, in other words. well, i did have plenty of models, but i wondered if they were the right models. was i 'like' my parents? if so, why? and if not, who? i guess what i'm trying to say is that i believe i truly understood the nature vs. nurture controversy when i was a little child.

i'm sorry, i'm rambling. i've mixed up speaking of personal experience to with speaking of generalities.

so to answer your question, even tho' i totally respect individual adoptees rights to NOT want to know any background information, or to not search, i think closed adoptions are arcane. when it is possible for the child to have information about their roots, to know that the birth mother DID love them, didn't just abandon them, why would we do it any differently? to save many adoptees from the same struggles that i went through -- that's why. growing up is hard enough. it shouldn't be that hard.

wow! re-reading this is painful. please remember that i am speaking of what i experienced as a child related to adoption and its effects on me.

[tobeafamily]

We are adoptive parents in a fully open integrated adoption. Things are going very well, with frequent phone contact between us and Ryan's bfamily, visits, etc. Ryan's bgrandmother recently commmented that 'we feel just like family' to her. My response: 'Because we are'.

Ryan is only 16 months old, so he doesn't quite understand things yet. We're glad, though, that when he does have questions, the right people are there to answer them.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Josuha Thomas

[sspete]

Your post touched my heart!!!!! Thanks for sharing with us these true emotions!!!! Your reasons for believing in an open adoption are the reason I BELIEVE in them!!!! Children deserve to know where they came from if they so choose!!!!! Thanks again for your reply.....it helps me to understand more about how adoptees feel!!!!!

S Pete

[Shoshana]

thank you. i'm glad my words were heard. in the 332 posts i've made to date on this board, this was the first on in which i spoke of adoption's effects on ME. it's easier to talk in generalities, talk around it, give advice, and share opinions. no wonder i searched at such a young age! i truly believe that a specific part of my search experience (finding knowledge vs. developing a wonderful relationship) was my biggest step i made in becoming a healthy, integrated individual. the relationship part has been a bonus!

you know, another thought occurred to me after i wrote the original post. i realized that while i do not have a lot of memories about early childhood, THESE memories are really the strongest and most powerful. i remember thoughts and feelings much more so than people, places, events. hmmm...

[maryanddon]

I have never replied to this post before , but after reading the posts I decided to reply. I am also adopted thru a closed adoption, do I wish it would have been open? well yes and no, Yes because I know I have other siblings, but under Wi law I cant meet them unless I meet the birthmother, she doesn't want to meet, therefore that closed that door to my siblings. I respect her wishes, but don't agree with the law on having contact with siblings. The no, is hesitant, but is do to the fact that her husband, was put in prison for 20 years in 1958, this was the maximum sentence you could get in the 50's , which means he pretty much either robbed a bank or killed somone. She had an affair while he was in prison, resulting me, but is still married to him even today. That does intimidate me. Having adopted 2 children. One I met the birthmother, but we do not have contact. Do I want any? No , do to the family history, it would only cause more problems. The other , is a baby from Guatemala, Yes, I wish I could have contact, but I can't. I say yes now, but I am 44 years old , if you asked me this in my 20's. I might say no, because of being afraid of fighting for her love. This is a question that ultimately has many answers and I guess we can only hope we make the right decisions.

[Shoshana]

you're right -- it's really easy from my position (at the age of 44 too :-) to look back and say 'open'. especially since i was so lucky with my reunion. i think all i would have needed would have been information -- i don't think i would have needed contact -- but information would have answered so many of those confusions that were such a part of my childhood.

you're also right about the need to make a decision for your son and your family based on what you know about his birth family. contact doesn't always work.

when i was in my teens and 20's, i SWORE i'd never adopt a child. i think that was mostly because i still hadn't resolved all of my own personal adoption issues.

so i'm in the same boat as you -- when i adopt a child internationally i won't be able to have an open, or even semi-open adoption. all i can do i try to get all of the information i can.

[Cleopatrick]

Shoshana, that was a beautiful post. The randomness of adoption has bothered me before, I can't even imagine how it makes a child feel. We had a bmom approach us once to adopt the little girl she was pregnant with. We said no because our son had been so sick when he was little that we felt we hadn't spent enough time with him outside the hospital. We wanted to enjoy him some more before we adopted again. Anyway, we told her to talk to a friend of mine and that friend ended up adopting the little girl. It bothers me sometimes, not regret, it's just weird when I see her to realize that I could have been her mother. I've never regreted it because I feel it just wasn't meant to be, but it's odd you know? So if it does this to me with a little girl that I know I truly can't imagine the thoughts of a child wondering at the randomness of it all.

To answer the original question, we have three adopted children, all in various forms of open adoptions and I have no issue's with that. Opening up my oldest daughters adoption actually saved her from a downward spiral of guilt (older child adoption) that she was in. Because our adoptions were all originally closed and we opened them up I can't honestly say that I feel deep friendship or feel like family with their bparents. BUT, we are getting there and that's the important thing. I'm feeling more and more comfortable with the openess and I think they are too. Each time we talk we get a little closer and I think that's the way a better friendship starts anyway. It's like love, you can't just jump in with both feet, lol, you gotta get to know each other. So yes, my open adoptions are going very well; they were closed and we opened them; and no I don't wish I could close them.

[redsparrow]

. ADOPTIVE PARENTS......IS YOUR OPEN ADOPTION GOING WELL, OR IF IT IS CLOSED DO YOU WISH YOU COULD OPEN IT??? IF IT IS OPEN DO YOU WISH YOU COULD CLOSE IT??? WHY???

We started out with a semi-open adoption with our child's birthmother. She has been trying to open it since we brought our child home, but that was never agreed to. In fact, just the opposite. She is emotionally unbalanced to some degree and a very needy person in general. I wish it were more closed with much less contact. I don't feel that her being in my child's life is healthy for any of us -- not for her, not for our child, and not for us.

Red

[maryanddon]

I think we all agree, that getting as much information on our birth families or the birth families of our adopted children is of great importance wether we have a open adoption or closed. we can all see that having communication with the birth Mother can either be a positive or a negative out come in our lives. I think open adoption is great as long as boundries are set as to who is raising the child, as a parent who has adopted would never want to feel that they are just a glorified babysitter for the birthparent, which can and does happen. And as a adopted child myself, I believe we do all wonder at some point in our lives who exactly are we genetically, and will wonder what life would have been like with the birth Mother, we are always curious about the unknown. But sometimes finding the answers to our questions can lead not to the answeres we want to hear. If you feel that your child will truly benefit from an open adoption than go for it, I wish we all had the right answer. The bottom line is adoption is a gift, and either way we are all lucky.