[aacaboo]

When I had my daughter everything was hidden, I had to go away to have her etc...
Open adoptions to me would be too nerve wracking and I probably wouldn't abide by the rules.

[BrandyHagz]

The beauty of open adoption is you and the a-family make up rules you can live with.....thats part of making the match.


My open relationship with my b-daughter and her family is amazing...we consider ourselves part of an extended family...

[Coley]

Brandy is right, with open adoptions you kind of make the rules up yourself (and the adoptive parents) make up the rules according to what you can or can not handle. And if you are not sure what you can or can not handle, some areas can be left open and decided upon later.

But, open adoption is not far everyone. Some birthmothers think it is too hard on themselves to keeping seeing their child and saying good bye over the years. Some people also think it is too confusing on the child.

Open adoption doesn't work for all. There are times when it is really hard on me. But I love it and can not imagine my adoption any other way. Just like Brandy, my birthson's adoptive family considers me a member of their extended family. His A mom was even a bridesmaid in my wedding!!

Take care,

Coley

[angela dettloff]

I'm a bmother who was suppose to have an open adoption but was stabbed in the back by the adopted mother. This women had her husband tell me a year later that we could no longer come over. I was 5 monthes pregnant with this little girls sister and a year later I had an other daughter. I was under the understanding that these 3 girls were going have some kind of realationship with each other. We were friends or I thought we were until she got what she wanted from me. I was very hurt by what happened. These girls are all teenagers now and have missed out on a life together. 2 of them had eachother and the other had no other siblings. Yes, I know that I made the choice to bless someone else with her.
Angela

[May]

Angela,

That's a terrible thing to go through, and while I haven't been through it, as a birthmother I can just imagine the pain you're feeling. All you can do now is hope that your daughter has been well cared for and loved.

I don't like to think that I "blessed someone else with" my daughter. That makes me seem worthless, like I was just there to give people babies. I trust that you REALLY made this decision to bless your daughter with a family that you thought you couldn't provide. And that makes you a good mother to ALL of your children. Maybe some day you guys will be reunited, if you want to, and your daughters will all know each other.

[mere]

i wish that my daughter's aparents would be there for me My daughter Ashton will be 5 months old and i have not heard anything nor seen her since i gave birth to her! i feel like i am getting stabbed in the back! or i feel like they took my baby and ran not caring about me or my feelings! i have written a lettr to them explainin that i would love pictures of my daughter! and please not to be scared cause i know that my daughtert is in the best place! i just want to know how she was doing and see what she looks like now that she is growing! i don't know am i asking to much? i am lost and i don't know what to do or how to do it! it is a private adoption and it supposed to be open! but i guess my daughters a parents want nothing to do with me i and in the dark! with no one to help me i need coulsuling and i have no clue where to start!

Ashton is my baby girl
Mere

[Coley]

Mere,

First of all hugs to you!! (((((((MERE))))))

Did you discuss with your daughters adoptive parents to what degree of open you would want after her birth? Was anything said about how often they would send pictures? I am sure this is an overwhelming time for them too and possibly they might think that the pictures would actually make you more sad. Is their a third party or neutral person involved that could mediate for you? Like an attorney, facilator, or angency? Perhaps they could speak with your daughters parents and let them know just how much the pictures would mean to you.

Seek out support and take care of you. The forums here are a great place for support and there are a few bmom web sites that have good information, such as BirthMom Buds, a support site a co-founded and co-operate. http://www.birthmombuds.i8.com Lifemothers is also an excellent support site owned by Skye, a bmom as well and a forum leader. http://www.lifemothers.com These sites can help you realize that you are not alone and there are others out there who have felt and are feeling the same things you are.

If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask!!

Hugs,

Coley

[PurpleMatrix]

Personally, I do not see why there should be such problems with open adoption. Psychologically, there is always going to be a piece missing with the adopted child. Their adoptive parents can love them very much, but in the back of their mind, they will always wonder about their birthmom/birthparents.

I have not adopted myself and I am not adopted. However, if I one day decide to adopt, I would not mind an open adoption (with certain limits of course). Nothing in the world changes the fact that the woman who gave birth to the child is and always will be the child's mother. The child can just have 2 moms and 2 dads. I think that would be neat, actually. Society does that in a way with step-parents (etc). Yes, it could be confusing to a child, but the way I see it, the more people that love that child, the better!

Thank you to everyone for posting your views and experiences on this topic. Good luck to you Mere and Angela!

[angela dettloff]

Thanks to veryone out there,
I'm seeing things in a new light, with the help of my youngest child and my younger and wiser sister. My daughter of 15 has told me that I have never really been happy until the day I heard from my 17 year old daughter. I was told that I put on this act that it was not about me that it was about my girls having a relationship together. I have a whole in my heart about the size of the Grand Canyon .
I think if I would have seen the reality of things I would have never giving them my beautiful little girl. I think her mother cut ties with me because she felt that I was unstable and she could not take the chance that I would have changed my mind.
I want my daughter in my life, I want to know everything about her.
I have written a letter to her mother with a calling card included letting her know that I would like to talk.

[emiliesfirstmom]

I'm so sorry for those who have had open adoptions closed. That just makes my blood boil!

I am in a very open adoption that has remained open thus far (my daughter turn a year old in August), and an open adoption definitely allows me to get the message that her aparents care about me. They show they care by keeping their promises to me. It's that simple. I wouldn't require anything other than what we agreed to in terms of pictures, emails, visits, etc. They have gone beyond that though - they sent me a gift at Christmas and on my birthday, and they routinely ask how I'm doing in school and things like that. They treat me like I'm family, which means the world to me.

[renee34]

I just want to apologise for any aparent who falls thru on there open agreement. Just rember that some day they will be held accountable for there choice.
I don't know all b-moms but some times it is for the best not to have contact but that should be discussed BEFORE the placement.
It is such a touchy subject to comment on. I hope I have not offended any one on sharing my view.


A-mom to Damion.
very open adoption.

[angela dettloff]

Hi,

It will be 18 years on Christmas day that I gave my daughter up for adoption, it has been a very difficult 18 years.

I contacted a friend for her aparents and told her that her 2 sisters wanted to contact her.

We did not hear anything from her until July 2003, she called and we had a brief conversation with her, and have not heard from her since.

Well being a mother left hanging, I had to do something since her mother did not want her to contact us. I sent her mother a letter about 5 weeks ago with an apolgy for my nasty letter I sent her.
I gave her a calling card # and my phone # so we can talk. I have not heard from her.

So, I now turned to her father for some answers. I sent him a letter and got a quick response. I got all the questions I asked answered. Even why they the backed out of the open adoption.
"They felt it would be to confusion for my daughter". I Love my child so my I had to seprated my love for her so we, her 2 little sisters and I could be apart of her life.

[carolyn&juliann]

I am the birthmother of four children, my baby ( who is 6 now) is in an open adoption with my brother and his family. There seem to be trouble alot of the time though. They feel that the more contact I have the more insicure my daughter will feel and I might want to take her back. We have talked about this and how rediculous it is but they still feel this way sometimes. Sometimes it feels to me as though they are just trying to punish me for something. I live in canada and maybe the rules are different here but in an open adoption there is a contract between the two parties that is enforcable by the law and courts. I havnt needed this yet, but it has been mentioned when they get particularly difficult (like once they moved, changed their number, made it unlisted, and refused to come to any more family events so that there would be no contact. I found them and threatened to call the police and our lawyers if they didnt smarten up. All I wanted is to know where my daughter lives and talk to her on the phone like I was promised in the agreement.)
But even with all the pain every time I talk to her or see her. Even with the heartach every time I have to fight for my rights with them. I wouldnt have done it any other way. There are several adoptions in my extended family. Most handled in different ways but all the kids in closed adoption went through hell through their teen and early adult years. Alot have difficulty with "knowing who they are"(their words) from time to time. The one in my family that was an open adoption. Hasnt struggled the same. They know their birth-parents loved them, that they are still alive and understand that they are special to have two sets of parents that cared enough to give up their very lives for them. Medical history is available. They say alot how they are so thankful that they have the chance to be in an open adoption. Its hard for sure, but its worth it.

[angela dettloff]

I've been very busy since the last time I've posted.
I have had contact with my beautiful 18 year old daughter. She has sent me pictures and her graduation pictures. We have exchanged letters. I'm trying to use baby steps with her and she wants to know my whole live.
I have finally gotten the therapy I've been needing for the last 18 and a half years. I 'm now finding closure with the past and finding myself a happier and more confident person.
angela

[Jackiejdajda]

angela

It is good to read such a positive message..


Jackie