[bensmom720]

I have never posted anything anywhere before nor have I ever felt the need to until yesterday. There was something about this Mother's Day that happened to bother me. I am a birthmother of a beautiful almost 4 year old. It was an open adoption from what I thought was a great family who cared about me as well. I am have a ton of mixed feelings right now and I don't know what to do with them. This year I was so worried about making sure I took care of my mother, my mother in law and my grandmother that I forgot that yesterday was a day for me to celebrate as well, and so did just about everyone else. My husband was the only person to wish me a happy mother's day. I cried a little bit because my own mother had not even acknoweleged the day to me after I did good for her. Is it wrong of me to wish the adoptive family to at least send me a card on the wonderful day?! THey have turned out to not be the people I thought they were, but as long as they continue to send pictures as promised then I guess I have no real beef with them. It just hurt for some reason that perhaps that they did not even care enough to wish me a happy day. I guess what I would like is some assurance that I am not wrong for thinking the way I do. Perhaps I should just be grateful that they are taking care of him and sending pictures as they promised- Is it wrong of me to want them to just send me a card for Mother's Day??

please help?! Thanks a bunch---

Bens B-Mom

[hazeltrue]

I have just read a thread that speaks to your question. I recommend it to you.

I don't know the easiest way to link you up, so, I will just list the board and thread names: Birthparents after Adoption>Dialogue Between Adoptive Mothers and Birthmothers>Why No Card???. Thread starter is Skye Hardwick.

[bensmom720]

thank you

[trippingdaisy]

Bensmom this may be late but Happy Mother's Day to you. I am also a birthmom and yes the day was hard because no one knew what to say to me on Sunday. I do know this you deserved the acknowledgment as much as any other mother because out of love for your child you made the hardest choice of your life.You are one of the worlds greatest mom's.

[bensmom720]

Thanks very much-- I just had a hard day at work and to come home to find that- it made my day It makes me feel better to know that there are other's out there that feel the same way

[rusty1269]

I am a Adoptee I never have got to meet my other parents. And from what can tell from your message is that you should consider yourself blessed to have a son that you still get some kind of interaction with on some level. I understand that you are upset because that you had this child and you gave it away for whatever your reasons are but you did it so he would have a better life correct? I am sure that this couple probably could or could not have kids in one way or another and that is why they have decided to adopt. I am sure in there mind that they want to make your son there son as much as possiable to be a family. That is probably the reason why you didn't get a card from them because to them they are the mother and the father meaning no disrespect for you.
I wish I could know who my really parents are but I would never give up the parents that I have now for them. Like I said before consider yourself blessed to have a wonderful child that you can see growup.

[Mom2M&R]

I am really sorry your adoptive family didn't recognize you on Mother's Day. I am a recent adoptive parent of a boy and girl and I struggled knowing what to do for our children's birthmothers on Mother's Day. We love them so much and honor them, I just wanted to do the right thing. I didn't want to hurt their feelings by bringing up something so painful to them, so I didn't know what to do. I thought it might hurt them by sending a Mother's Day card because it would remind them that their child was not with them. I just didn't want to hurt them.

I finally called another adoptive mom. She heard a birth mother panel and most of the birthmoms said that their first Mother's Day was difficult because no one acknowledged them as a Mom. Hearing that we bought a gift and Mother's Day card and sent to them.

You may want to express your hurt to your adoptive family. I just did the research, but they may not have done that.

You are to be honored for the sacrifice you made and I admire your strength and the love you have for your son.

[TIFFANI27]

Bensmom..... happy *belated* Mom's Day! I am a birthmom to an almost 9 y/o boy. I remember so freshly how it seemed when my son was about 3-4 yrs old and Mom's Day came around and I began to deal with my feelings about the relinquishment. I, too, wanted to be recognized and "honored" by my family for the simple fact that even though my son was no longer with me, I was still a mom. Later on I did discover that my parents were leary of bringing up the subject and didn't want to bring to me any more emotional pain.... maybe your family is in the same position? I know my family is very protective of me and they were there and involved in helping me during my recovery period.
I would love to talk to you more about this..... it seems like your posting is something I can relate to! Let me know if you'd like to talk.

Hugs,
Tiffani

[bensmom720]

Thank you all very much. I greatly warmed my heart just to know that there are other people out there that feel the same way I do. I don't get down about my adoption very often, but sometimes I do, and I am very glad that I have stumbled upon this place so I can find others to relate to. I am very open to talking to anyone about my adoption. It actually makes me feel better to talk about it, especially to people that I do not know.

Talk to you soon

Bensmom

[BabsCanada]

Blister,

Birthmoms do give up a lot of rights, but they are still mothers.

As an adoptive mom, I am honoured annually. I always remember to thank our birthmother on Mother's Day. She is a mother. She is the reason I am a mother.

Can't you give a birthmom some respect and recognition?

I'm not trying to be antagonistic. I don't want to start a feud. Just want to let the original poster know that not all of us feel a brithmom shouldn't be recognized on Mother's Day. I do.

To go off subject a bit - just wondered if anyone else has run into this - when our daughter was a little over a year old, friends/coworkers adopted a baby. In those first few months, this mom commented that she would never adopt again, because the system unfairly favoured birthmothers ... at that time (since changed), birthmothers got their full maternal leave, ie collecting unemployment insurance for 6 months, whereas adoptive parents (usually the mother) got only 3 months. She thought this was unfair. I had never really thought about it, but was very disappointed in her reaction to it; I was grateful for the 3 months I had to bond with my baby, and I sure as heck wouldn't have let any perceived unfairness deter me from adopting again. I remember thinking, I hope you DON'T get to adopt again. I am glad that birthmoms are allowed all the benefits given to all mothers.

(incidentally, this couple never did adopt again, but they are doing a great job, raising a happy, healthy boy, and keeping in contact with the birthmom - haven't asked if they send her a card on Mother's Day tho!)

My .02 - birthmothers deserve every bit of respect & recognition

Babs

Blisters, It is people like you who make this world the place that it is. You are a very cold, uncompassionate person, I do not know your story and to be honest from your rotten attitude I dont care too. I am a birthmom, I am also A Mommy, Just because I was unprepared once doesnt mean I should have never conceived again, so as for that comment, it was plain ignorant! Not alot gets me riled and I usually let it roll off my back but you sir are offensive. First of all I see from your profile you are male, therefore you have no right to tell any female what she is or is not! If you are speaking out of hatred for your own mother or birthmom then that is your right but please do not come to a birthmoms site and be so rude!!

[Mom2eight]

I am an adoptive mother. We have five birthmother in our lives, who have shared with us their six wonderful children.
A day does not pass when I do not realize the bond they and I share in our love for these kids. I am grateful for them beyond words and emotions.
It is easy to get caught up in the day to day. The baseball, swimteam and chaos of life distracts us. Our mothers and Grandmothers gifts distract us. I am not making excuses. I am confessing my guilt. None of our birthmoms received cards.They should have, they deserved them. THey are the ones who created these wonderful beings that are my children.
My kids will be more like their birthmoms than they will be me. I love those women. I know them. When I see them and we talk. I see part of my child who I love beyond all else. How can I not love and respect someone who is a part of that child.
I am the one who does the flu with them, the endless baseball games. The school everything, but I would not be without you the birthmom.
HAPPY BELATED MOTHERS DAY!
I hope you never doubt your value in the life of your child and his family.
Kathleen

[bensmom720]

I do not regret my decision of chosing to give my child up for adoption. Please forgive me for having a bad day. If I hadn't made the choice I did, I would not be where I am today. Yes, there are days where I miss him, but do you not miss the people that you lose. I have a very healthy outlook on my adoption. Yes, I do get pictures from his family, I look at them when I get them and see that he is doing extremely well and I don't look at them or really think about them again until the next set comes. This mother's day was the first day in an extremely long time that I have had an emotional day like that. Prior to going to church that day, I hadn't even thought about my being recognized. And like a post mentioned here, just because I was unprepared once, that does not mean that I should not have another child. I am married now, working full time and out of school, and my husband and I own our home and in a few years we plan on having children. I'm tired of hearing people putting down birthmothers, for the most part when I tell someone about my adoption, I get negative reactions. My adoption was one of the most positive things in my life. I knew that I could not raise a child and I KNEW I could not have an abortion!

I would like to thank everyone that has replied to my initial post, positive and negative--but mostly the postive because it shows me that there are other people that human, compassionate and care about others even if they do not know them. Thank you again.

Jaime

PS- My screenname was chosen because I am very proud of the decision I made and I do not want to hide behind my adoption. I am not embarrased in any away! So what, I had a bad day and I was sad.... wouldn't you be sad over someone that you miss.

[woquain]

Hi, I hope that you get my reply. I am the new adoptive mother of a beautiful baby girl. I am participating in a very open adoption with my childs birthmother. She lived in my household for the last 3 months of her pregnancy. I not only fell in love with my new baby girl who by the way is named Jadah Rose, but I fell in love with Jadah's birthmother. she was very young at the time of Jadah's birth. I struggled with Mother' Day because I felt guilty celebrating a joyous time in my life, when she may be hurting in hers at that moment. Jadah's birthmother is a beautiful young woman who weighs upon my heart every time I look into my daughters eyes. Some people think I am crazy for having such a open adoption, but I am a firm believer in following my heart. Jadah will know her birthmother as nannie, and that is at the request of her birthmother. she will be spending a night or two this summer with me and Jadah and I can't wait. I bought her a mother's day gift and delivered it personally to her, It was an opportunity to say thank you! I was suprised that she did not expect me to get her anything, but I was happy to see that she was doing fine! I was the one crying and she was the one smiliing and assuring me that this is the way she wanted things to be. I hope that she finds comfort in her life by the way we are handling things. Please forgive the adoptive parents of your child I am sure they mean you no harm. You and I each have felt pain you the pain of giving up your child and I the pain of not ever being able to have a child of my own. When Mother's Day comes next year, hold your head high, you do not need the world to acknowledge your mother hood , for in a tiny way we are all mothers to the children of the world. Just look around you the next time you are out at all the precious chidren! I tried for 12 long years to have a child of my own. I spent Mothers Day locked in the house crying my eyes out for 12 years, and this mother's day I held my beautiful baby girl so close and cried for the joy I had in my heart and for the pain her birthmother felt. You do not know the inner feelings of others so only trust that you do cross their minds every time they look into your childs eyes. Happy Mothers Day!!!

[bensmom720]

Congrats on your baby girl , and Thank you.