[Skye Hardwick]

I have a question for adoptive parents -

I know many birthmoms that did not get any acknowledgment from their child's adoptive parents this birthmother's/mother's day - no card, no call, no nothing.

The thing is ..these same birthmoms have great open adoptions every other day of the year ...so why the silence on Mother's Day? Especially for those who this is their first mother's day. After all, if it wasn't for the birthmom's choice ....the aparents may not be celebrating mother's day at all this year.

Now, I am not sure how far I buy into that "We didn't send a card because we are afraid it would hurt too much?" or "it would be like pouring salt on the wounds..."

Can a person really believe that saying nothing is better than some acknowledgment?

Or is it because *some* aparents feel it will take away from them if they say something to the bmom on Mother's day? They don't want to be reminded of the fact that their is a first mother?

I just don't understand ..and I'm looking for any input.

Now, before anyone says it ...I can see why a birthmom wouldn't get a card in a closed adoption, or a situation where the state had to take her children ...or even if the relationship is strained with the aParents ..but I am only asking about the situations where the birthparents and adoptive parents have a good relationship. And yes, I am sure there are bmoms who don't want any acknowledgment ...I know, I know ...but this thread isn't about them.

Now, I did get a card and a call from my daughter's aMom, and it meant the world to me.

Skye

[Stormy]

Skye,

I know for myself, I would have NO CLUE what a birthmother thinks and feels, appreciates and dislikes, wants and doesn't want, without having been a part of this forum and to be honest...reading posts exclusively in the birthmother forums. I didn't understand what it was like to be a birthmother, and not to say that I have any clue now without having been one, but I think I have more empathy. Without this forum I imagine I may give into the common, and horribly wrong, beliefs about birthmothers. Our friends and family just think that now that the adoption has occured that she has gone on with her life as if she never gave birth and we have gone on with ours as if we had given birth to our son. We would never think of doing that. That would be like pretending my parents aren't our childrens grandparents, or my husband is just some guy who happens to live in the same house with me. but Mothers day is a strange holiday I think. I know I have tried and tried to be a good adoptive mother in relation to our son's first mother. I try to write and send pictures more than our agreement, I have sent gifts and extras, and (although she doesn't want to visit with him right now) we told her that we would be happy to arange a visit at any time she would feel comfortable with. I had to go to our worker and ask her advice on mothers day. I wanted to send a card and tell her that we celebrate her on mothers day as well. But I wanted to make sure at first that she would not be hurt by that or upset in any way. And I think maybe people when they don't know what to say or do they just do nothing. Not really to be malicious, but really some sort of denial. Like maybe they don't know what a good way to acknowedge the birthmother would be so they just don't do anything. Maybe for fear of doing the wrong thing, maybe something else. And I think it takes a very self assured person to be able to accept a birthmother that unconditionally. There are times that I feel overwhelmed with doing right by my son's birthmother. Sometimes I wish that wasn't a responsiblity I had. But I know for me, I couldn't not do it. And I feel sometimes like the expectations of me as an adoptive mother are so great that I am held to a standard, just by the fact of being an adoptive mother, that I can't help but fail at. And that is something that constantly creeps in when I write letters or send pictures or more. Like I can be judged by these regular check ups and the whole picture is not seen. But your question...why do adoptive parents not acknowledge mothers day? I don't think there really is one answer. i don't think adoptive parents as a whole set out to disrespect their children birthfamily. I just think that it is such an emotionally charged relationship that feelings can't help but being hurt at one time or another and participants in that relationship can't help but make mistakes and make bad decisions. I wish there were an easy answer, because then there could be an easier solution. And this year? I sent a letter, pictures and a mother's day card. I hope she appreciated it and took it in the spirit it was intended.

[Skye Hardwick]

Thanks Stormy, for your honesty and your insight! I really appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts and answer my questions.

And you are right ...when you said sometimes when people don't know what to say, they often don't say anything at all. How true that is in everyday life - for example: once a few years ago, a friend of mine had a miscarriage at five months along. I was so afraid of her pain, that I didn't even invite her to my baby shower for my son ...thinking it would be "too hard" for her. Talked with her later on and it turned out she was really disappointed and was looking forward to going to my baby shower.

So ..thanks for "turning the light on" in my head - now, I can understand. Adoptive parents are people first ...just like birthparents ..and often we don't know how to respond to others pain ..so we just don't.

Thanks again,

Skye

[Rainbow mom]

I know my (soon to be) son's mother gave me a card for Mother's Day. I thought about getting one for her but I know she is going through a hard time right now saying goodbye and all, we don't know her that well to know how she would take it. I wasn't sure if I would make things worse for her. I decided I would fallow HER lead and see what happened. I thanked her for the handwritten card and explained that I did not want to inflict any extra pain on her by giving her a card she may not want. Maybe I am dense for not getting her something, I just didn't want that something to be PAIN.

I am however making sure our son has a gift for her at thier goodbye visit. From Him and one from us.

[Stormy]

Skye,
I am glad you found something in my ramblings that made sense to you. You asked such a difficult question I couldn't find just one direction to go in answering it. But know that it is questions like those, and birthmothers being open about their journies like you, that teach us adoptive parents what to do in our adoption relationships. Hopefully, one day, people can be more open about their families formed through adoption and some of those myths about the members of the triad can be cleared up. After all, doesn't every child who has been adopted deserve for his family to genuinely love and respect the woman who gave birth to him? And doesn't every child who has had an adoption plan made on his behalf deserve for his first family to love and respect his parents? And shouldn't every child be shown by example to love and respect his family, birth and adoptive?

[aspenhall]

I haven't adopted yet, but with out reading this thread, I may have just done nothing out of fear of hurting bio-mom as well. It is hard, because in celebrating your joy it means that you are celebrating someone else's pain. I know how upsetting it is for me to get mother's day gifts or flowers, because I have no children and it sort of feels like a pity gift or consolation prize. Mother's day is the hardest day of the year for me. I just feels like one GIGANTIC reminder that one more year has passed and I am still not a mother. I am a very religious person, but I tend to skip the first 1/2 of church when they ask all the mothers to stand so that the kids can pass out the flower or plaque or whatever. But then they finds me later and I have to explain that I am not a mother, then their face sort of falls and they try to offer some excuse why I should be considered a mother.....it never works. I would rather they just ignore me. I know it sounds cliche, but I think most aparents really do avoid it all together rather than cause the pain. If you are in an open adoption, you should know if the aparents mean to hurt you....I mean are they like that with others....Or are they the type that would rather bear the pain quietly, rather than see another in pain. I am glad I read this thread....I might have been guilty of the same thing in the future, but not now. I will request from the very beginning, that if the bio parents are in pain or uncomfortable to just let me know and I will try to be more accomodating/sensitive. But unless they tell me not to, I will be sending a card or flowers or a gift.

This sounds like a weird analogy, but how I felt then seems close to how I would have felt about the mother's day issue....
My Timberwolf killed my 10 yr old sis in law's pet chickens. Now, hallmark doesn't have a card for that. The pain she felt was so deep, that there wasn't anything I could say or do to make it better and I knew it. That same feeling of helplessness and responsibility for another's painseems to be what I might feel around mother's day for the bio-mom.
Thanks for opening our eyes, Skye!

[stacyone]

I did send a card & gift, but it was hard to know what to do. It's almost like it's so overwhelming that you have to go into some kind of denial about it. I didn't let it in until the night before Mother's Day when I was rocking M to sleep... and I cried. I sent H a card, letter, photos, and "painting" that our 13-month-old did. I loved putting it together but as I was mailing it, it felt so inadequate... I said in another thread it felt like saying "Thanks for the gift of motherhood... here's a little something from my local Hallmark store".

There probably are aparents who feel jealous, but I'll bet most of them just don't know what the right thing is in this case. What card can express exactly what we're feeling? I guess it goes back to my whole 'communication' thing... if I had been unsure of what to do for H, I would have called her a month or so out to tell her I didn't know what to do and ask her what she needed from me.

Just my thoughts...

[lisa in venice]

I have only recently become aware of Birthmother's day and included just our youngest son's birth mom in our mother's day bbq. The bbq was something I instituted because Mother' Day has in general been a real bummer for me and many other adoptive moms. In the same way those of us who have lost our moms Mother's day is completcated for many a-moms. Many of us still live in a world that doesnt fully acknowledge our motherhood. I have just about stopped going to church on that particular Sunday because I did not want tohear another sermon about life-giving and motherhood as exclusively defined by biological parenting.

I wonder if birth moms don't share that ambivilance. Since my youngest's birth we have used mother's day or Birthmother's day (which ever day is more conveinient) to celebrate each other nd our relationship. It is separate from the typical Mother's day hoopla. It is special and personal to us

[Skye Hardwick]

Stacyone -

<<"Thanks for the gift of motherhood... here's a little something from my local Hallmark store".>>

You know, I'd probably feel the same way - Hallmark certainly doesn't have a hold on the feelings an adoptive mom has towards her child's birthmom.

In truth and when all is said and done ...the best "thanks for the gift of motherhood ..." my daughter's mother can give me ...is loving my daughter, raising her as a resonsible and compassionate young woman ...teaching her, molding her, dislipling her with love, ...the list goes on.

Her "thanks" to me is evident in the smile of my daughter's face.


Skye

[sspete]

Hi Skye--As a reunited bmom this was my first Mother's Day knowing my bdaughter is doing great!! Every Mother's Day for the last 19 years I have wondered. Of course we were in a closed adoption so it was no ones fault. This year her precious amom sent me a darling magnet my badughter made when she was a little girl with the most precious Mother' Day card. I was so very thankful, and only wished the same kindness for all bmoms. My prayers go out to the bmoms who received no acknowledgement. The amoms that have written responses sure bring some light to the reasons why. I can understand their positions for sure. Great thought provoking question Skye--Thanks! S Pete

[faith_amom]

As background info: We have a semi-open adoption where I sent pix/letters every other month the first year and then twice a year from then on. I now send the packages each year at Birthmother's Day and at Christmas. She has chosen to keep the communication one-way and has never tried to contact us through the agency.

My son was ~ 4 months old for his first Birthmother's Day. At that point, I had never heard of Birthmother's Day. As a new Amom, it didn't occur to me to send her a Mother's Day card. I had waited for years to be a mother, and I finally was one. I saw that day as my day. I did send her a letter and pictures that month, but I probably didn't even mention Mother's Day. This wasn't intended as any sort of slight -- more of ignorance. I wish my adoption agency had told me the "protocol" of sending a card that weekend because I wouldn't intentionally hurt her for the world. Adoption was completely new to me, and I truly did not think about her wanting a Mother's Day card. At the point in time, I probably would have thought that sending her a Mother's Day card was cruel -- like rubbing her nose into the fact that I am raising her baby.

Luckily, I learned about Birthmother's Day on-line in time for the next Birthmother's Day. I sent her a Birthmother's Day card along w/the semi-annual pictures and letters and apologized for not sending her a Birthmother's Day card the previous year. I told her that I had not heard of the occasion at that time but that I would now send her one each year, which I have done.

I think sending a Mother's Day card is tough for some Amoms because they don't want to "share" the day. That is why I think Birthmother's Day was a brilliant compromise. The birthmother gets her own day the same weekend, and nobody has to turn it into some sort of competition.

- Faith

[jadynsmom]

I was looking for direction from this site on the right way to deal with Mother's Day in respect to sending anything to our bmom. I could not find anything in time.

Anyway, I wanted desperately to send something to the bmom of our new baby (6 months), but my husband disagreed and wanted me to wait if/until we heard from the bmom. I should have gone with my gut, but since her contact has been dwindling lately (we exchange emails) and the emails I do get are short without asking how the baby is, etc., I thought maybe I should take her cue and not "pester" her.

I loved the relationship we had for the short months we were exchanging emails almost weekly, but I do not want to keep it up solely for my benefit (and eventually, my daughter's) if she does not want it.

So mother's day comes and I check my email all day waiting to hear something. She winds up sending a text message to my cell phone late in the day so I immediately write her an email and tell her everything I wanted to say and told her we were thinking about her and that I hoped she had a good mother's day with her son. But I did not hear back. Not even an acknowledgement that she got the email. Should I read anything into that?? Also, she never uses my cell phone number, so of course I have been wondering if she really wanted to talk over the phone and thought better of it or perhaps she simply couldn't get to a computer to send an email.

I wish I knew what was in her head right now so I know how to proceed with our contact. As I said, I want to respect her wishes, so I don't want to force the issue and I did mention this in my email reply to her wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I WANT to share this day with her, as well as any other aspect of our baby's life that she wants to hear, so that is certainly not an issue for me. I don't know if I like or dislike the idea of a separate birthmother's day, so I don't see that as an excuse for me not to have acknowledged the day for her.

So that is why I did not send a card (as well as all of my baggage). <grin>

[stacyone]

Jadynsmom, my husband is the same way -- but I really think that it takes a woman to understand another woman, even in a situation where we can't possibly know how they're feeling. I think the email was probably great -- you got to tell her what you were thinking and feeling.

I occasionally reiterate to M's birthmother that we want to keep the lines of communication open, if she does. It's funny, now that I think about it, that I want the open communication and so does she, but my husband says she's probably only saying that to make me happy and the bfather (when they were together) used to tell HER that WE were only saying that to make THEM happy. We learned to not listen to their projections and only listen to each other.

Besides, I think something sent late is better than nothing at all. As Skye pointed out earlier, our society has a tendency to say nothing out of fear of saying the wrong thing... I wouldn't read too much into her not responding to the email. I still haven't heard from H about the gift we sent. I hope she liked it, but I can't take on too much responsibility about it. I did what I thought was right and what was in my heart... I have no control over her response.

[Skye Hardwick]

Well, I see the same topic resurfacing here ...and at other threads too ...lots of waiting on the birthmom to respond. And most of you know a bit about me, and my story. How open my adoption is and that I have an awesome relationship with my daughter's parents.

Well, even so ..in the first two years ..if they would have waited on me to react, then they would have been waiting a long time. Why? It's not because I was not wanting to be bothered ..but because I was so afraid of bothering them, or overstepping some boundry.

You've got to understand this ...you know how as aMoms people make dumb comments to you like "Who is his real mom" or something like that ...well, on our side of things, people make dumb comments re-enforcing the thoughts that now the baby is in the adoptive home , we need to "move on".

I've been the manager of birthmom support groups for years ...and I hear a common thing, they are so afraid of being rejected, or scaring the aparents off ...or intruding ..that they say nothing.

And many birthmoms are afraid of contact afterwards because it hurts. Well, really ...there are many reasons, because each of us birthmoms are very different people. Still, I wanted to give you a glimpse of why we may not be the first to respond.

My point ...I strongly feel that for at least the first year the adoptive parents should mostly be the ones reaching out. I know, I know ...that doesn't sound fair does it? Well, open adoption doesn't have room for "it isn't fair" ...not when a child is involved. If someone ever told you open adoption would be all happy joy joy, they weren't being honest. Open adoption is a resonsiblity ..and since you are the legal guardians of the child, and truly have all the "power" after her rights have been terminated ....keep taking the steps to reach out to her. You just might be surprised.

Hugs,

Skye

[Skye Hardwick]

.... my husband is the same way -- but I really think that it takes a woman to understand another woman, even in a situation where we can't possibly know how they're feeling.

Amen to that! God bless our husbands, but they just don't get it (for the most part). Keep in mind ...the husbands are usually not the ones here on the forums day after day ..or reading the adoption books ...like us women are. They don't get to talk to birthmoms or read their posts here on the forum like their wives do ..so they don't have a full understanding. They are only talking from what they know - which might be very limited.

And think about it, men are usually bad about sentimental cards any time of the year ....whether happy anniversary cards or your birthday, hee hee - think how clueless they *may* be with birthmom cards.

Now, I'm trying to diss the men here ...just as Stacyone said, women understand women more ...even in such situations. Go with your gut.