[KaylansFirstMom]

Hi everyone!

After asking for more visits (from 1 time a year to 3-4) to my daughter's adoptive parents, they replied with no, and no explaination. Only that 'this may change.' Our relationship has been goping so beautifully since she was born (July, 1999), so the response was devestating...

What are possible reasons for them to have declined? Is it possible they are scared, even after so long?

I just need some direction...anyone...please....

Hugs and Thanks,
Emily

[Suzy]

Emily,

Please don't let the aparents response discourage you. I know it must be very hard emotionally to accept their response, but the fact that they said that "this may change" rather than "no, never" should give you hope for the future. We are building a very good relationship with our children's maternal grandmother, but even so there are some feelings in the relationship that are going to take time for all of us to work through. We are giving quite a bit in the relationship. (Please don't anyone take that to mean that we feel we are doing her some big favor because we know we aren't, we are just doing what we feel is best for our children.)
But even at that, sometimes when I'm doing something that is so new and, for lack of a better word, risky...well, I can only walk so far toward the end of the pier before I have to stop for a bit and process everything. A part of me wants to just run full force into a family-type relationship with their grandmother, but the more logical part of me knows that if we take time to build a relationship slowly we will have a much firmer foundation to fall back on if ever we do encounter difficulties. So don't lose heart with your daughter's adoptive parents, they will respect you for your patience and understanding and hopefully someday you will be blessed ten-fold for it.

Blessings,

[mintshastagrape]

before I place I am going to make sure the number of visits are clear and agreed upon. i am going to make my wants known so there wont be any miscommunication.

[Emily K. Broggi]

Suzy--

Thank you SO much for your reply! It really helped. I can't help being discouraged by the aparents reply, only because I find myself worried about their reasons...Maybe they are mistaken, maybe I said something wrong? Its just so unclear, you know? If only they had given me thrie reasons, even if they are hurtful or confusing, at least I'd have something to go by.

I think its wonderful that you guys are building a relationship with the maternal grandma of your child! I understand that their are feelings that will take time to work our, I am open to that even. But how old if your child? My daughter will be FOUR. I mean, being an aparent, what kinds of issues do you have to work out? How do you think these issues will be worked out?

I do have hope in the 'this may change' part of their answer...but Jeeze, holding on to hope that may or may not be there is rough on my heart...How do you think I could bring up the issue of 'why' they have decided on only keeping visits to once a year? Should I even? I do not want to push the envelope and I am NOT selfish or anything of that nature, but I do feel 'owed' an explaination at the very least...am I off?

Thanks so much Suzy!

Hope to hear back,
Emily

[mintshastagrape]

maybe you can have someone be a mediator for you and help you get more visits.

[Emily K. Broggi]

"maybe you can have someone be a mediator for you and help you get more visits."

Thanks so much for your input! I'd rather not involve someone else in our affairs though, we'll work it out.

Good call ont he getting things straight before the adoption, please be as educated as you possible can be before making any decisions! Please feel free to emai;me if you need some info!

Thanks again!
Emily

[rebeccasusan]

Would you feel comfortable asking them "why" outright?
I mean, if you said it in a way that would not seem defensive like..."This issue brings up so many feelings, on everyone's part, and I know you are trying, from your heart to do what is best for our child. I respect your opinions completely, but would just like to get a more complete perspective. Could you share why you feel this is not the right time to do this?"

Sometimes, a card or an email is an easier way, and gives people more time to process...

It is so hard to guess at anyone else's motivation for anything...and what do I know really, because, although we are matched, we havent adopted a little one yet, so maybe my feelings/perspectives will change once he is here....

Do you live in the same area? For us, I would be open to yearly, or even multi-yearly visits, but we live very far from the bmom, so the financing and logistics of it would be where the difficulty would be, not feeling like my role is threatened or anything...


Good Luck, I am sure this is very hard.

Rebecca

[Emily K. Broggi]

"Would you feel comfortable asking them "why" outright? "

Yes, I'm just not sure they'd be comfortable with me asking them outright...

"Sometimes, a card or an email is an easier way, and gives people more time to process..."

This is what we figured.

"we are matched"

CONGRATS!


"Do you live in the same area? "

We certainly do, don't they understand I placed her so close for a REASON...

"but we live very far from the bmom, "

I'm sorry to hear that! It certainly can complicate things...isit wise.


Thanks so much for your input! Good luck with the munchkin!

Hugs,
Emily

[MkMw]

Hi Emily -



I'm sorry things didn't work out as you hoped...I'm not quite sure where to start - I've read some of your posts elsewhere - and I have some ideas, I'm just not sure how to word them correctly....I'll think about it and let you know though.

My first thoughts -

How did you ask? phone, e-mail, letter?

What exactly did you ask for? - if I remember correctly you have a scheduled visit on/near her birthday (approaching rapidly!) - but I don't remember the "scope" of the visit....I know this isn't popular with PBmoms and Bmoms - but I strongly believe this is a relationship (Aparents/Bparents) that needs to start slowly and build on its own.

Maybe during your visit this summer spend a few extra minutes with her Aparents to explore why they feel the way they do - the reason might be as simple as they feel over-extended as it is. I can tell you I do - and my family lives in another state!!! Maybe ask if you can at least get a lunch meeting at the mall while they are Christmas shopping - and volunteer to stand in the "photo with Santa" line while the aparents actually play Santa! It could be a win/win for all of you.

Michelle

[MkMw]

oh, one more thing -

and please - noone jump on me for this!

Yes, I would agree to this...The Santa Line (given the appropriate circumstances....don't ask for specifics, I don't know what they are)

BUT - and again this depends on the relationship, I might also either stand in line as well - what a wonderful opportunity to visit! Or watch from nearby...just in case....sorry - I love my boys, I'm morally and legally responsible for them and they will not go missing on my watch.


michelle

[Emily K. Broggi]

"I'm sorry things didn't work out as you hoped"

Thank you Sweetie...me too.

"How did you ask? phone, e-mail, letter?"

I mentioned it casually in an email, but then decided when I got no 'real' response to write it in a 'formal' physical letter....When things are especially important or 'big' I tend to use physical letters rather than emails or phone calls (I don't want to put them on the spot, as I realize this must have been a 'big' and I hope thought out decison).

"What exactly did you ask for? "

I asked to have more frequent visits...no set schedule just hoping to shoort for 3-4 times a year. I mentioned that i thought it'd be nice to do it once a season...you know sleigh ride in the winter (around x-mas and MY bday), pick flowers at the park in the spring, celebrate her bday in the Summer, and play in the fallen leaves in the Fall...those kinds of things...you know change of atmosphere, instead of always sweltering in the summer!

"you have a scheduled visit on/near her birthday (approaching rapidly!)"

Well no, not 'scheduled' but yes they have always been (all THREE of them) in the summer near her birthday...rapidly isnt even the word, can you believe she'll be FOUR!?

"I know this isn't popular with PBmoms and Bmoms - but I strongly believe this is a relationship (Aparents/Bparents) that needs to start slowly and build on its own. "

Alright Michelly Belly, I'll go with that, but FOUR years?! If they are not open to more frequent contact physically, how can anything build? We have already been in frequent contact in every other way and basically, 'same old, same old.' Ijust want us to 'blossum' and 'grow' as Kaylan is...Our relationship with them is very important to us, it just seems we are not as important to them as they are to us...which I suppose does make sense, unfortunately...

"Maybe ask if you can at least get a lunch meeting at the mall while they are Christmas shopping - "

Because you don't just 'volunteer' to do that kind of stuff, it would be weird, "Hi guys, can I come x-mas chopping with you?" LOL. I'd feel funny, and I'd understand if they would too...

"It could be a win/win for all of you."

If only they could see that thats all I want...maybe even to baby-sit or something, a chance for them to get out and for my daughter and I to hang out. Why is that so hard for them?

Thanks so much Babes...your ideas are great, and they seem logical...lol, bur sometimes the whole thing just feels...off. I really love them, they are great people...I just SO didn't see this one comming...and no explaination? I don't even deserve an explaination?







Gosh this is so hard...I want to understand them so badly, but I need to see my daughter...I am broken.

Hugs Sweetie,
Em

[MkMw]

morning Emily -

Yes you do deserve an explanation - there may be something going on that has NOTHING to do with you - for example - hmmmm - nope not posting that particular situation. I'll e-mail you later today with what's going on in a friend's life (she is not in the triad at all, but if I were in her position explanations on anything would require WAY too much effort) this week,

I hear boys "talking" in the other room so I've got to run...

michelle

[MomTo1]

Emily....

Sometimes the adoptive parents have problems between themselves about how much communication and openness they are comfortable with. I have come to understand my husband's fear that he won't be seen as the father by allowing frequent visits, though he feels that our daughter should grow up knowing her birthparents. We have disagreements all the time over how we should handle things. I try to respect his wishes. He has told me that he wants to be friendly with them but not become best friends with them.

In being totally honest with you, if my daughters birthmother suddenly requested more then one visit a year, then my husband would have a heartattack. Not because he wants to break off contact but because he would become uneasy with his position in our daughters life. He would feel like he would be losing his little girl. With time, his feelings will change. They have already.

When things are new, as they are for us, we still have to find the common ground that everyone feels comfortable with. I am assuming that since, she said, it may change later, that this is something the adoptive couple is working on together. It really has nothing to do with trying to exclude you but it does have something to do with them trying to feel like they are a family.

I hope I explained a little bit for you. Please don't get discouraged. It took me over a 1 1/2 years to open my husband up to visits with her birthmother. She did not request visits from the beginning. Each month, he becomes more relaxed and easier with it. Try to remember that as an adoptive family, we are fighting with the feelings from the outside world and family members that this is not "our"child. We are trying to overcome a lot of negativity about how others feel in open adoptions. We have come to learn that we can not share our open adoption experience with no one because not one friend or family member is supportive of it. It's hard to keep secrets from family. Sometimes you feel like you are living a double life.

Try not to get discouraged and give them some time to work it out among themselves.

I wish you the best..

[billysmommy]

Mom to 1..what a great post! I hadn't even thought about it that the aparents may be trying to find a common ground amongst themselves.......In this case, there are 4 adults who may or may not feel the same about things, and trying to keep everyone in agreeance can get complicated. While amom may be okay with increased visits, adad may not, or vice versa, thus leaving them to have to figure out THEIR end together first.

[Skye Hardwick]

Momto1 -

Good point!

I have an online support group for both aMoms and bMoms - and a few of my aMom members have mentioned hesitation by their husbands, not because their husbands don't like the birthfamily ..but because the husbands haven't had as much "one on one" education as the aMoms.

What I mean is ...for the most part - their husband aren't the ones reading adoption books and they aren't the ones who visit forums such as this one daily ..and they aren't the ones who read and respond to birthmoms like aMoms do.

(I guess us women are just gabby, lol)

So often times, the aMom will be ready for more contact vs. the aDad ..because she's had more experience with bMoms to ease her fears.

Anyways, I thought I'd throw that in there!

Skye