[pookeyla]

I need a birthmothers view, I think that I may have found my birthmom, and during my research I have found that she never married or had any other children. She relinquished me at the age of 24 and she was a religous person. I need to know as a birthmom do you think she would want contact. and any advice on how?

[iwagrlVA]

Hi Pookey,

It's not uncommon for women who relinquished a child to find they are unable to conceive later in life. In other words, I wouldn't assume anything because she never had other children.

It's hard to say how she will react, but you won't know until you try. She may be waiting for you to contact her. I'm a bmom and even though I know where my bson is, I would prefer for him to contact me.

How or where did you find her? Some people reach out on Facebook. If you can, I'd send a handwritten letter with a small picture.

[pookeyla]

I found her close to where I was born in Kentucky, and yes she recently got on Facebook which concidently I did too. I have her address and phone number but I'm not sure what I want to do. Just knowing who she is, is enough for me. I dont want to disrupt her life, but I was curious because of the fact she never married and either couldnt have anymore kids or just didnt/ if that was her way of saying silenting she wanted contact/ or not..

[iwagrlVA]

I wouldn't read into it too much. I also want to say that she may be thinking the very same thing about not wanting to disrupt your life.

It may be good for you to read and discuss reunion with other forum members who have been through it. For me, it's been nice to learn from others' experiences so that I know how to proceed in my own situation.

[pookeyla]

I have been reading the threads on adoption.com over a year,, between the adult adoptees, birthparents, and search & reunion and there's alot of mixed feelings about contacts.. I like you is just looking for others experiences to see if it relates on our own.. I have been married going on 26 years, I have two children, a boy and girl. My daughter recently had a baby, so Im a grandma to. I guess I just want to let her know I survived growing up and Im ok, but just not sure about how to do it..

[iwagrlVA]

Well, you could just message her on Facebook and see what happens. Just say something like "I'm looking for a family member and I think you may be her. If you are interested in chatting, please message me." or something like that. I'd just keep it simple. at first. More than likely, she'll know what you're getting at.

I can't speak for your bmom, but if I was your bmom I would find great comfort in knowing you're okay and happy. And I'd just want to know that you don't hate me.

Hopefully some other bparents will speak up and give you their advice.

[pookeyla]

Thank you for your advice, I kinda did the facebook before I actually knew she was the one, I had sent a friend request with a msg, asking if she still lived in Kentucky, knowing she did, but on my profile it just had my birthdate, so I thought that if she saw just that I would get some kind of response. But it was never accepted.. I will probably just write a letter so I can stop this compulsive search I have been doing, its been taking over my life at work, which is not good. but i cant help it, for some reason its like I am being drawn into it.. and I have to find a solution before I can let it go. Its draining me.. but I appreciate you taking the time to answer, hopefully other birthmoms will respond. I know I read one thread from a birthmom who was very adamant about not being contacted, so I guess its like a pandora box, you just dont know what kind of response you will get..

[Annom]

You wont know unless you try. I would write a short letter and send a photo if possible.

Good luck.

[MamaGina]

First, good for you for reaching out to people here who have been there.

Second, rather than give you any advice, I would like to tell you a little of my story. I am a birthmother. I am married but never had any more children. It just happens that way sometimes. In March, after 36 years, my daughter began her search for me. In June, I had the first chance in life to hug my daughter. A few short weeks ago, I had the first chance in life to hug my daughter on her birthday. The emotion that I had been suppressing her whole life came to the surface in a glorious, wondrous moment. Meeting her has changed my life forever. It has ended 36 years of wondering, 36 years of sadness on her birthday, 36 years of emptiness during the holiday season, and 36 years of walking through life with a hole in my heart.

There is no one right answer as to how to make contact. It made a difference to me that the first contact from my daughter was a handwritten note. It made her more 'real' to me.

Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.

[trixie10]

Hi,
I know you posted this a few weeks ago, but I wanted to add my thoughts for you, as a birthmother that contacted my son through facebook. I found him on the registry first, but his info was outdated, so I found him on FB.

I was elated to see that he had searched for me. There are many birthmoms that hope one day to be in reunion with their kids.. probably the majority of us.

Don't be discourage about the facebook friend request. I simply wrote to my son and said "is it possible that you're my son? If not, I'm sorry to bother you." And we started a dialog that has continued almost a year now. The friend requests are problematic at first, because often people aren't ready to have you show up and have other people wonder who you are. He and I waited a bit to become friends on FB.

A simple message, asking if she could be your birthmom, and mentioning that you understand why she didn't accept the request, might work well and start you out on the right foot.

Many women, including me, have spouses or friends that don't know about our past, so discretion is your friend. I am grateful every single day that my son found me. I truly hope that you are successful in your reaching out to her. Give her time, and tread lightly, and hope for the best. I am thinking about you...

[pookeyla]

Well, I sent another msg to who I think may be my birthmom, this time I said that I was sorry for bothering her but I was looking for a Sandra Blazier that relinquished a daughter in 1969. and apologized again for asking to please send a yes or no answer and that no other contact is necessary if she did not wish it. and added that was trying to do a family background for my children and grandchild and ended with a Sincerely, my name.

That was at the beginning of the month and I havent gotten a response. I dont know if I offended her or she didn't get it. or Im guessing maybe she is letting it sink in. I know that since I have sent it. I feel better, I dont feel the need to keep searching.. I can concentrate more on other things..

I appreciate your responses. and MamaGina and Trixie10, I am glad ya'll got to reunite with your Daughter and Son.

[trixie10]

Hi,
Thank you for the update. I was realizing something annoying about Facebook, and messages from non-Friends. If someone is not your friend when you send a message, that message ends up in "other" below the regular messages, and they are not notified that it has arrived. This has happened to me several times, where I stumbled upon a message by accident. Also, many people got Facebook, and are not good about checking regularly.

I'm so glad that you're in a good place about the message yous sent, and that you can be patient. After the holidays, perhaps you can revisit the issue. Sometimes it takes people a while to see the message, or in the case of first mothers, respond to something.

You know, every time I read of an adoptee who is having trouble connecting with their mother, I wish that I was their mother, too. Because I would welcome them all with open arms. Please keep us posted.

[pookeyla]

I made contact with birthmom on facebook, she was happy that I was blessed with good parents but at this time she is not ready for any contact. Just wanted to share to those who have given me advice. Thank you

[MamaGina]

Well, pookeyla, perhaps she is not ready for contact right yet; but you are in her daily thoughts in a big way. It's not over.

[pookeyla]

Thank you MamaGina, she had answered my request on my medical history and said she would keep my name and email address and she said she would keep me and my family in her future prayers, but that was all she could do right now, which is fine, because I really need time to adjust to it too. I started my search for just my medical, I really didnt know what to do after that, so I guess that is for the best for now.