[caths1964]

I just thought I would start this thread because I have been reading a lot of sad reunion stories lately, a lot of which seem to be down to misunderstandings when communicating.

I just thought it would be useful to know what we adoptees and birthparents should beware of saying to each other.

I will give one example which is similar for both groups.

An adoptee saying to birthmother "You did the right thing".

A birthmother saying to adoptee, "I did the right thing".

When people say those things as a blanket statement, it can be very hurtful for the other person to hear.

What are some other things that each of us find hard to hear?

[quantum]

My son has said to me a few times 'well it all turned out so GREAT!'

And I know he just wants to reassure me that he's had a great life, but it completely discounts the hell I've lived through, you know?
Not that I share that with him but... *sigh*

[snoopy87]

My birthdad said to me once "I'm by no means your "real dad" - you have a father, and that's who raised you."

He was trying to be respectful of my parents and my upbringing, but it felt to me like he was saying "I deny that you are my daughter or that we are of any importance to one another."

It's impossible to say all the right things and not mess anything up. Reunion takes love, patience, and understanding, and sometimes just a whole lot of processing time (and sometimes years of maturing for the adoptee if started as a teen).

I guess my one precaution is try not to make assumptions and tread lightly. Just because a birthparent felt they were making the relinquishment decision to give their child a better life does not mean the child actually experienced what he/she would define as a good or pleasant life (no matter how it may appear on the outside when looking at material wealth, etc). When you rush in and down play your biological role and uplift the a-parents role and the child has actually experienced a lot of trauma and abuse at their hands, wow, it can be like throwing a grenade into a new reunion.

Snoopy

[snoopy87]

Hmmm... I just looked at these responses and realized we are all sort of saying the same thing. "Don't make sweeping judgments about how the situation was for me..."

- Snoopy

[JustPeachy]

I haven't heard this from my son (thank god) and hope I never will, but from some other adoptees in my triad support group. Please, please, please don't ever say "well, at least I didn't end up in a dumpster" or "well, I could have been aborted so thank you for choosing life."

I don't need to be thanked, either, for placing my son. I like to know my son had a good life, the life I wanted for him, but I really don't need to be thanked for it. It just doesn't feel right to be thanked for making such a painful choice.

[spotty19]

A few other things not to say:
1) If you're experiencing pullback don't make excuses for why you haven't called. If you make an excuse every time, the other person will sense you are avoiding them and will be hurt and confused. Try to tell the truth rather than make excuses.
2) Don't qualify your regrets (if you chose to share them): don't say you regret your decision by adding that you wouldn't go back and change things because then you wouldn't have your other children and/or my life wouldn't have turned out so well. It makes it sounds like you got a good trade, and you're negating my loss
3) don't tell your birthparent/birthchild that the reason you searched for them was because they are the key to fixing yourself, the birthparent or some other family member. If someone isn't willing to help themselves there's nothing you can do about it.
4) Finally, don't ask your birthchild to do something and then tell them they have to do it because they were lucky they weren't aborted.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by snoopy87

I guess my one precaution is try not to make assumptions and tread lightly. Just because a birthparent felt they were making the relinquishment decision to give their child a better life does not mean the child actually experienced what he/she would define as a good or pleasant life (no matter how it may appear on the outside when looking at material wealth, etc). When you rush in and down play your biological role and uplift the a-parents role and the child has actually experienced a lot of trauma and abuse at their hands, wow, it can be like throwing a grenade into a new reunion.

Snoopy, I am so glad you said this. Coming from the birth/first mother perspective, I look back now to 21 years ago when I reunited with my then-18-year-old son, and I see how I screwed up at the beginning of the reunion for exactly this reason. I placed a blind trust in my son's aparents, even though there were numerous red flags screaming for my attention. I knew right off the bat that something was seriously wrong...I just didn't know the extent of my son's abuse.

That must have been so hurtful to my son, listening to me heap piles of praise upon the people who beat him up, who never accepted him for who he was, who tossed him into a mental hospital at 13 and threw away the key. I guess I was just so glad that they weren't calling me the scum of the earth or acting as if I had fulfilled some handmaiden's role for them. And I think there was a big part of me that didn't want to acknowledge the probability that my son had been abused by the people I had entrusted him to.

Like all things in life, reunion is "learn-as-you-go." I only wish I had known then what I know now... Good thread, Cath.

[belleinblue1978]

There are things you don't have to share. I wish B had never told me that our mom doesn't believe that I am hers. Fine that she thinks that, I know I am, but I never needed to know that.

If you aren't interested in reunion, tell the other party don't just ignore them.

[RavenSong]

Please don't thank your child's birth/first mother for not aborting him or her. Many of us never considered abortion, and the ones of us who did think about it decided against terminating our pregnancies. It doesn't matter if it was before Roe v Wade or not---illegal abortions were plentiful and easy to get, at least in the Los Angeles area, according to my mom who considered it when she discovered she was pregnant with me at 16.

The first night I met my son and his parents, his mother thanked me for not aborting him. My stomach literally turned when I heard those words. That simple statement made me feel horrible, like the only thing I ever did right was not to kill my baby. I'm sure DS's mom had good intentions when she thanked me, but it felt very condescending and patronizing...and made for a very uncomfortable few minutes. There are plenty of things that are likeable about me other than the fact that I didn't terminate my pregnancy.

Grrrr....

[jkstarr]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

If you aren't interested in reunion, tell the other party don't just ignore them.

Couldn't agree more. I'm stuck here with my bdad, with him saying, "Yes, I want to keep in contact", yet never, ever following through, returning e-mails, etc. I wish he would just say he doesn't want to know me and be done with it. Two, going on three years of just "hanging out", waiting, waiting, hoping that he'll e-mail or call is not fun.

[belleinblue1978]

That would have to hurt worse than the wall of silence I have gotten.

[shadow riderer]

Right off the top of my head:

Said by Bdad in the beginning of reunion, "This is the best way to get a daughter...after she's already all grown up." Ouch, uhm, bet he wouldn't say that today. lol

Upon reunion, "This must be God's will." Nope, kinda think it was BPs will first, mine second, and God just sat back and tried to clean up the mess after we all exercised our own wills.

For APs and BPs, please don't "thank" each other in front of the adoptee. Thank each other if you must, but wait until the child is out of earshot. That's all I have for now. Maybe more will come later. I've heard some duzies from my BPs over the years. lol.

Oh, one more, at a particularly difficult time in reunion with Bdad. "I'm still glad you found me." Still? Really?lol Uhm, it wasn't funny the few times he said it, uh, well, yeah it was...sort of, the first time. You probbably had to be there. It still cut like a knife, and the next time, well it wasn't so funny anymore after that, until now. Only because I have a warped sense of humore, and we've worked it out sort of. lol

Oh, and, "I have no regrets about what I've done." Knife in the heart for all of us, I would imagine.

[caths1964]

Personally, my brelatives have been pretty good.

In trying to find out more about my bmother, I have probably asked some "hard" questions that might have sounded like I was putting her down but were more me playing the devil's advocate.

One 2nd cousin did say something that was very well meaning. She said that perhaps it was for the best that I was placed for adoption with my bmother dying when I was 16 because if I hadn't been adopted then I wouldn't have a mother now. Of course it is not that that hadn't crossed my own mind briefly at the very beginning but it is something that I don't want to hear from someone else. Also, her brother died at the same age and left 2 children. Would it have been better if they had been placed for adoption so that they didn't lose their dad young? It made it sound a bit to me also that it wouldn't have made any difference to my bmother either way (and yes I know that isn't what she is saying but it sort of feels that way). Also, does that mean it is a blessing that all her other children passed away because otherwise they would have lost their mum young too.

I sound mean because really the cousin who said it is an absolutely delightful and kind lady and said what she said out of the kindness of her heart. I was actually a coward at the time and agreed with her, even though I sort of felt a bit funny about her saying it.

It just shows that we are often stepping on minefields even in the best of reunions.

Btw I always find it weird to say "reunion" because is it a reunion when no-one knew of your existence? Still, what other word is there.

[trixie10]

I echo everything in there. The one thing that shouldn't be said, but often is.. as a way to make us birthmoms feel better is "you did the right thing." Really? So life with me would have been horrible? That goes along with "thanks for giving me up!" Ugh. I have heard "thank you for giving me my life," that's better, because my son saying it knows that it was never about not having him, it was about keeping him.

[cirrus]

I just can't relate with so many of these "wrong things to say"

I agree in general that it is very strange to say to someone "thanks for not aborting him/her" - I can't imagine anyone thinking that wasn't weird.

My bmum had it harder than most I imagine - I was taken from her at birth because the province ruled her unfit (she was young, a ward of the state, unmarried, and had learning difficulties - and it was 44 years ago) - so she didn't choose adoption. Not only that, but not long after me she was involuntarily sterilized by the same province.

It was terribly unjust, but for me, everything went great - I was with a loving foster family for 3 years before being adopted by my parents who were wonderful, nurturing and supportive and helped me to become the person I am today.

When I met up with bmum she was upset about the past - fair enough, there's a lot for her to have been upset about - she kept saying "I never stopped looking for you" over and over again. This was not the "wrong" thing to say - because she was expressing her feelings of helplessness - feelings are not right or wrong - it was awkward for me to answer because I had never had any interest in looking for her - and the government couldn't release identifying information to her about me, until I registered. So I said.. "I'm sorry it was so difficult for you.. but you've found me now! We're together, so let's have a cup of coffee"

It's important for all of us to understand that nobody is perfect - few of us have practised this before - so if the other person says something hurtful or strange or wrong or condescending - DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY - we have to understand and accept that we are each of us doing the best we can in an unusual situation. DO NOT mistake tongue tied awkwardness, shyness, and not knowing what to say - for mean spiritedness, or intentional condescension, or malice. A very wise person once said to me "Just because somebody offers offence, does not oblige you to take it"

When my mom met my bmum and we all went out for kfc with bmum's husband, bmum's husband introduced me and my mum to a nursing home staff member ... he said " this is my daughter and this is her foster mum" - well.. that could have been very hurtful for my mother - who is not my foster mother.. but my mother.. and it was very strange for me.. because this lovely man was not even my bio-father, but the man who my bmum married years after I was taken.

- however, we both chose not to let it bother us - we both accepted that we are in a world of unfamiliar terms with a group of in-experts (including us). I did a friendly correction and say.. "no, not my foster mother.. my mother.." - but that was it.

- bmums husband later said to my mum "oh, you did such a wonderful job raising her" - which mum mum(and I) took as the compliment it was intended to be.

- my mum said to my bmum - "I'm so grateful for you - if it wasn't for you I would never have had a daughter" - and bmum similarly accepted that with the spirit intended - which was to make bmum feel as special and included as she wanted to be.

So.. be understanding.. please.. and understand that we're all doing the best we can