[smccammond]

I'll try to make this short....

I am an adoptee, have always known that I was adopted and found my birthmom and her family a year ago this weekend. I contacted my birth aunt first because I couldn't find solid evidance on my birthmom. Anyways, i have sent a couple of letter (3) to my birthmom and have talked very soratically to my BA. I haven't heard anything from my birthmom, NOTHING! My BA says to give it time, so my hubby sent her an email a couple of weeks ago saying that we are going to be up in their neck of the woods and would like my birthmom info. She sent an email back saying she was feeling threatened and blackmailed, WTF!?!?!?! Anyways, I do know where my birthmom lives and the support group that I attend feels that I need to show up on her door step.

I guess I don't even know where to start. Are there birthmom's out there who wouldn't like that? Or is she so terrified that I do need to make the first step?

Hugs,
Sommer

[quantum]

It's tough! I'm sorry that you're getting such a negative response from her.
Bear in mind that if this was from the closed adoption era, she was told to forget about you and move on with her life. Not like any of us can do that! But many birthmoms have buried things really deep and it's really scary to have this child that we were told we would not be allowed to know anything about suddenly appear.
Maybe the circumstances surrounding your relinquishment were especially heinous and she just can't deal with it. Or isn't ready to deal with it. It's possible that her husband (if she's married) or any other kids she has, have no idea about you. She might feel that communication with you endangers all that. Many of us were also made to feel like no one could love or want someone who had a child, or relinquished a child.


I'm not so sure showing up on her doorstep, with the lack of response that you've gotten from her, is the best idea. I know how frustrating this must be for you!


Have you read 'The Girls Who Went Away'? it might help you to get some insight on some things your birthmom might be feeling.

I don't mean to sound so negative! I just wanted to throw some ideas out there of what she might be feeling.

I wouldn't give up on her though! I wish you all the best Sommar!

[Janeytwo]

Hey Sommer!

I had been wondering how you were doing as I hadn't seen you post in here recently.

First - is there any way to send a communique to your bmom's house that you could send with a request of confirmation delivery? Not something she would have to sign because she might refuse, but something with a tracking number on it so that the post office or UPS or what-have-you can confirm it was indeed delivered?

I can't remember if you had already tried that but, if not, it might be a way to go about it. At least then you'd know definately that it's reaching her.

I mean, your BA can be saying anything. Without confirmation, you only have her word to go on. (No judgement of her meant by that).

Secondly, if it were me, I would consider very seriously before I simply showed up on someone's doorstep. I think I'd have someone like a PI do that for me (if I had the cash).

I hate to sound paranoid saying this but you have no idea what kind of reaction you'd get or what kind of situation you might walk into.

If she has older children and/or she's married who knows what she or your BA might've said to those folks about you. (Again no judgement of anyone meant - it's just what's coming to my mind).

So if you show up unnanounced and she freaks and someone's there? There's just no telling what they might do to you. Honestly, if you don't know people - you can't really know what they're capable of.

In my mind it would be a question of your personal safety.

Look, it's easy for others to say "Just go show up". They're not the ones who have to deal with the immediate consequences of such an action. At the very least, if you go, please consider taking someone with you.

This is a dangerous world we live in, Sommer.

That's just my 2 cents for whatever it's worth.

Hugs to you! :-)

[smccammond]

Okay, so more info is needed.

I know that she is remarried and her hubby knows. She has no other kids. As far as the people that know. I know for sure that my Birth uncle and Birth aunt know, as far as their kids, I don't know.

I have sent three letters, but then stopped. I got frustrated. I sent one the day after I talked to my birth aunt via Fed Ex first overnight. Then I sent one about 2 months later, where she had to sign, she picked it up and signed it. Then I sent her a christmas card and small gift. Oh those wooden carvings....crap.....willow tree, the hope one. After that I just gave up, my mind, body, and family just couldn't take it anymore.

It's taking all my willpower to not send an email to an aunt (my birth uncles wife and yes I'm almost positive that she knows. They are high school sweethearts and they have a son a year younger than me). She is on facebook and i have gotten lots of pictures of the extended family. I also wish I would have contacted my uncle first, just by the pictures they seem a little more put together than my birth aunt. I don't know.

Really, I think just a door slammed in my face may hurt, but then I know that she has actually acknowledged my existence. And sadly thats all i want. The ignoring just hurts Might has well just written me a letter saying you didn't want contact. sigh.....

[quantum]

Seems to me that maybe contacting the other aunt (birth uncle's wife) might not be such a bad idea...

With my story, the agency I used for the adoption was the intermediary. First they managed contact with my son's mom (he was 21 at the time, but that's the address they had). She said 'nope, he's too busy, doesn't want contact blah blah blah.' We tried a few months later and got his stepmom (poor kid has 3! moms!) SHE was totally enthusiastic, told him immediately and encouraged him into the reunion.
Two years on, it seems like things are going ok.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because one Aunt is being a bit unsupportive, doesn't mean the other one will be.
Who knows really what the family dynamic is either.

Maybe she could help you to get some insight as to why your birthmom isn't answering you...

I wish you all the best Sommar. I'm so sad that you aren't getting answers (makes me crazy too!).

[Janeytwo]

Hey Sommer!

Sorry to have sounded so dire yesterday, I didn't realize you had extra info. I was picturing in my head you showing up with nothing to go on and things going terribly wrong.

But it sounds like you have a good deal of background info on the family so that's an ease on your mind (and mine - LOL!)

Really, I think just a door slammed in my face may hurt, but then I know that she has actually acknowledged my existence. And sadly thats all i want. The ignoring just hurts

((( Sommer ))) I can totally understand what you're saying here.

I'm not sure how to advise you. I mean I can sit here and think too myself that if I were you, I'd simply say "Screw it!" and write her off. But then, I'm not an adoptee; I'm not in your shoes.

You have to do what you feel is best for yourself; what you can live with.

In whatever that is, my thoughts go with you.

And I agree with Quantum. This makes me sad for you. It also makes me sad for your birthmother. The silence is running her life; making her afraid and desparate. That would be my guess. And it's hell living like that.

Sending prayers your way today.

[JustPeachy]

I'm not so sure showing up on her doorstep, with the lack of response that you've gotten from her, is the best idea. I know how frustrating this must be for you!

I have to agree with this. For whatever reason, your birthmother is refusing contact right now. Showing up on her doorstep at this point would most likely only be setting yourself up for further frustration and rejection. If I didn't want contact, and my son showed up, I would be upset. Likewise, if he did not want contact and I just turned up at his door, I can totally see why he'd be upset.

I am not yet in reunion, but have done a lot of work on myself in counseling to prepare for it (and also in general), have read up on it, come here and get other people's viewpoints, go to triad support groups, etc. Even with all that preparation, I know when and if the time comes, it will be full of difficult emotions on top of the excitement and joy. But I also have a semi-open, there has been indirect contact already, and I feel at least we have some foundation to work with. Given all that, I feel farily confident that I will get through the tough stuff.

For some birthmoms who were told to forget and move on, they really just shoved all those feelings deep inside of them and just cannot come to terms with facing all that in reunion. And just as not every adoptee wants to reunite with birthfamily, there are birthmothers who don't want to reunite with the children they relinquished. I think some feel it's behind them and in the past and a chapter that they have closed and it would be just too painful to open that book again. I think others are at a place in their lives where things are the way they want them to be, and they aren't prepared for the "rollercoaster ride" of reunion and can't cope with the changes that reunion would bring.

It could be in time your birthmom will have a change of heart, but right now it seems like it's not the time. Although I will say, I'd rather hear from her directly how she feels rather than through the aunt. I just don't like getting things second hand, especially given that this is such an important situation.

You mentioned wishing you had contacted the birth uncle instead of the aunt. Is there some reason you cannot contact him now? Maybe you could get more info through him, and as you say, he is "more together" so perhaps his perception of the situation could be helpful to you.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It must be really difficult.

[smccammond]

Thank you all for your advice. I truly believe that if she wanted a relationship she would have contacted me by now. I also feel that if I contact my birth Uncle that she will feel that I'm just calling/emailing everyone she knows, when she may not want everyone to be involved. Even though I know the people that I would contact know that I exist.
i would much rather contact my birth Unlce and his wife (my guess is she does know about me only because they have a son a year younger and she is his highschool sweetheart). it just seems easier on my emotions to do that than to just show up. And I will also add, because i don't know if I have already, my support group, a search triad group here in Phoenix, said that showing up at the doorstep would be the right direction to go in at this point. So I haven't come up with this idea all by myself.
I guess another part of me does not want to contact my birth uncle/aunt because i'm afraid that they are all going to think I'm stalking them, KWIM? I don't want them to think I'm weird, or desperate, I just want answers. What if what my birth aunt said is true (which I know some of it is) But like you all have said, I don't know what the family dynamics are, if there is jealousy there, or hate, or pitty.

Maybe I should just send my birth Uncle's wife an email. That might be my only way.

[LuckyCharms_17]

HI, I read your forum and I think I have some advice for you. I recently gave my child up for adoption. As it is an open adoption I am scared as to what will happen when she gets older. I am scared that she will contact me and be mad at me for doing what i did. Alls I can wish she would do is write me a letter or email as to how she feels. You just have to let it all out. I am so sorry that shes doing this to you but YOU need to understand how she feels also. Good Luck.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm just surprised to read that a triad search/support group is advocating showing up on her doorstep after she said an email request alone made her feel threatened...it just seems to fly in the face of any reunion protocol I've ever heard. I believe that's what they advised you as you say, I'm just totally confounded why that would be the advice of people actually involved in adoption and facilitating reunions.

I just think it's disrespectful and a bad idea in general to do reunions by ambush. I think when you have two consenting people, you have a reunion.

I'm truly sorry that she's been either non-responsive or semi-hostile. I hope she comes around.

[Janeytwo]

Heidi

I just think it's disrespectful and a bad idea in general to do reunions by ambush.

Heidi, thanks for saying this!!

I thought too myself when I first read Sommer's post: "Are these people nuts?!! They want to just send her in there and the devil be danged what happens to her emotionally and possibly physically?!!"

I know that I'm influenced by AA and Al-Anon. Even so, this group is not a support group in my book. It's simply a gaggle of people trying to force their will on someone else at great personal expense to that individual.

I just don't get it.

[JustPeachy]

I also don't understand why anyone would suggest showing up on someon's doorstep. Were the facilitators of the group suggesting this, or other members of the group?

I did attend a triad support group once with an adoptee whose birthmom didn't want contact and she forged ahead and did an ambush--it did not turn out well. Although she was able to eventually have a relationship with a few birthsiblings, the way the "reunion" was handled caused a lot of rifts in the family and many hard feelings. I would never advise such a thing.

[kakuehl]

Sending an email to buncle's wife would be a start. Have you considered calling your bmom? If I read correctly, you have her address.

Have any of your triad support group just showed up announced at someone's doorstep? That sounds pretty risky to me. (I'm not saying it wouldn't work!)

[RavenSong]

I think maybe one of the reasons some people in her triad support group are advocating just showing up on her bmom's doorstep, regardless of how her bmom may feel, may very well be due to the "anti-adoption" factor. Many folks in the anti-adoption movement believe that it's fine to force a reunion by showing up unannounced at birthparents' homes. It's a common tactic that's often talked about by those in the anti-adoption movement.

I was involved for many years in triad support groups, and I've helped facilitate many, many reunions during the past 20 years or so. I never in a million years would encourage showing up unannounced on the doorstep of either a birth parent or an adoptee.

Over the years, I've often encouraged people to join these groups...until recently. I'm no longer advocating triad support groups due to the anti-adoption factor, or the "angry ones" as I often call them. I didn't realize until quite recently how negatively the anti-adoption crowd has affected triad support groups in the past few years. A friend from these forums recently shared with me a horrible situation she's currently going thru as a result of attending meetings of a local triad support group that I located for her. Most of the stuff she's hearing at the meetings is straight out of the manifesto of the anti-adoption movement.

I cannot think of one person I've ever known in real life who facilitates reunions that would encourage "ambushing" anyone. That is not a healthy way to start any relationship...it's practically guaranteed to fail, IMHO.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I think maybe one of the reasons some people in her triad support group are advocating just showing up on her bmom's doorstep, regardless of how her bmom may feel, may very well be due to the "anti-adoption" factor. Many folks in the anti-adoption movement believe that it's fine to force a reunion by showing up unannounced at birthparents' homes. It's a common tactic that's often talked about by those in the anti-adoption movement.

I was involved for many years in triad support groups, and I've helped facilitate many, many reunions during the past 20 years or so. I never in a million years would encourage showing up unannounced on the doorstep of either a birth parent or an adoptee.

Over the years, I've often encouraged people to join these groups...until recently. I'm no longer advocating triad support groups due to the anti-adoption factor, or the "angry ones" as I often call them. I didn't realize until quite recently how negatively the anti-adoption crowd has affected triad support groups in the past few years. A friend from these forums recently shared with me a horrible situation she's currently going thru as a result of attending meetings of a local triad support group that I located for her. Most of the stuff she's hearing at the meetings is straight out of the manifesto of the anti-adoption movement.

I cannot think of one person I've ever known in real life who facilitates reunions that would encourage "ambushing" anyone. That is not a healthy way to start any relationship...it's practically guaranteed to fail, IMHO.

Raven,

I agree...it is almost absuvie to the adoptee or bmom that is being ambushed..and it could be dangerous. You don't know what you are walking into, you don't know who the other people in the home are. and you could cause an older mother some serious health issues...stroke, heart attack..its just not right.

Raven,about the anti attiudes..they can be extreme and as much as I feel for their pain that they have to get that extreme I can't partake in the extremism. There are reall peole behind every story and yes, some are bad but I am willing to bet most are not...the attiudes towards adoptive parents is horrendous and not warrented...most of the time...yes, there are bad, self centered aparents out there, just as there are self centered bmom and adoptees.....as much as I champion for the adoptee...and I do....as I really beleive that even though they are the adoption they are given the least true, deep consideration and respect...as adults..not children...I still don't beleive you can ambush, force, or demand contact. That goes for adoptees and bmoms...