[Rmorgan7777]

I registered here back in ’06. I can’t remember if I ever posted or just lurked and read.

On Monday 4/13/09 I check my Facebook page for the first time in about week. There was a message from a girl dated 4/07/09. She opened with “this is going to be a personal and awkward question to ask, but did you have a son that was born on …(gave his bday) in ….(gave the city)? My boyfriend was born on that date and in that city and the woman who put him up for adoption shares you name.” I almost fell off my chair and replied back with a yes. A few hours later I got it together and sent back another reply stating his Aparents names, and his name. I then told her that I would love nothing more then to get in contact with him ONLY if he knew that she was looking, and that this is what he wanted.

A few hours later, and a couple of messages with her, I received my first contact with him. I was shaking so hard. That IM session lasted from 6:30pm to just past midnight. The number of emotions that I was feeling the all the thoughts and questions that were going through my head were overwhelming. I laughed, I sobbed, he called me “Mom”. Last night was another few hour IM session and at the end he said “I love you Mom”. I’m reeling, I am so consumed with joy I can’t concentrate at work. I’m terrified that this is not happening, or that he’ll decide he’s had enough or gotten what he needs/wants then disappear, though we do have a plan to meet on Saturday.

I’ve been waiting for this day for almost 20 years. All I want to do is just hug him. His life was not as happy as I wanted it to be, and I have guilt about that since I do have a 16 year old, his ½ brother, and our relationship is good.

I told him that I will let him drive this whole thing, whatever he wants all he needs to do is just tell me. I don’t want to come on too strong, I don’t want him to feel pressured, if he wants to call me mom that’s fine but not to think that that is what I want or expect him to do, I told him only if he was comfortable with that, if not he can call me by my first name. I don’t want to get in the way of his relationship with his amom, he has assured me that he will do as he feels and for me not to worry and that amom is SOOO excited that he found me and hopes that she can meet me soon.

I’m trying to find balance. My 16 yr old has always known about him as he found pictures when he was about 4 and asked who that was. But teenagers are funny animals. I want him to feel included and not left out, but I do not want to share right now. Same with my family, they all know that we are in contact, and I’m grateful that they are all holding back and letting me navigate this with little input. We are tight knit family so it’s difficult not to get carried away. I’m having dreams of our family reunion (extended) this summer with him coming, of Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I’m trying to slow myself down and 90% of what I’m thinking I keep to myself so I don’t overwhelm him.

He seems really interested and like he really wants this to work but it’s only been 2 days, what if he changes his mind? What if he meets me and doesn’t like me? Ugh, there’s so much…sorry for rambling, but I feel like this is where I can really let it ALL out, all the fear, all the worry, all the angst..I have no idea what to even expect or if I should expect anything at all

[Dickons]

Congratulations!!!

Read as much as you can on the roller coaster of emotions both sides will be going through...and then just let nature take it's course.

I am sure others will real advice will reply soon.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[crick]

What a mind whirl! I hope you both continue to communicate and develop the relationship you both want to have.

Congratulations!

[Rmorgan7777]

Thanks I have been trying to read as much as possible and my youngest sister sent me a link to a book that looks pretty good on the subject and that book was recommended by a friend of her's that's a therapist. (my sis is in the medical field).

So in our conversation last night we set a time to meet on Saturday. He also said that he would like to meet the family. I tried to give him a little heads up. My family (I enclude extended in my description) is quiet large, and have a BIG personality, especially at our re-unions which take place over a 3 day camping trip. He would be welcomed with open arms. I talked to him a little bit about his Aunts, he seems excited.

I do keep letting him know that this will all be done at HIS pace, and when HE is ready. One part of me wants to tell him that the immediate family is waiting on the edges of the seats to meet him but I don't want him to feel obligated to meet them before he is ready.

My biggest worry this minute is my other son. Being 16 he's not big on discussing what he's feeling, I'm not sure he KNOWS what he's feeling. I won't force them to get along of course I'm just afriad that J (my 16yo) will be a jerk when the time comes to meet him. Probably unfounded since J is a good kid, but this is a weird thing for a teenager to deal with I would think. IDK, if anyone has any advice, suggestions if they have had to deal this situation, it would be greatly apperciated.

[Rmorgan7777]

Ok I have read that this is a rollercoaster, but WOW with the mood swings I'm having today. I think the last 3 days I've been on a high, not that I've crashed but today when I think about our meeting on Saturday I start to cry, happy tears, thinking about that first time I actually get to see him all grown up and get to hug him for the first time in 19 almost 20 years....this is not good whilst one works in an office LOL.

GAH...not use to my emotions being out of control like this. I know it will pass and i"m pretty sure it will get worse before it evens out, I'm trying to hold on.

[Rmorgan7777]

I meet Z (bson) tomorrow. We’ve been IM’ing all week, he seems really excited and nervous, as am I. I have given him some information regarding our family re-union in August. I said “now this is just for you to file away in your memory banks and there is no need for you to decide right now if you want to come. If you choose not to that is PERFECTLY ok and I totally understand.” And I gave him the dates. His reply was - of course he wants to go.

I know I should be ecstatic about his desire to go, however I’m afraid on a lot of levels. First – how is his Afamily going to react, I don’t want to cause a rift on that side. Second – I understand the desire to know us but I’m scared that this is an impulse decision that could change as time goes by and then I’ll be hurt. Third – I have no idea why I feel this way but I’m scared about the sincerity, not that I think he’s being insincere, it’s just that he’s only 19 and in the excitement of all of this maybe he’s not thinking it all the way through and what it all could mean and any of the possible fall out. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. I’ve never been through re-union, obviously, and I am overjoyed and overwhelmed by all of this. But I can’t help but consider the other side of things, and that it’s possible that it goes badly. I could just be holding back a little because I’m scared. It’s hard to verbalize my feelings and thoughts in an accurate way.

I’m afraid he’s idealized me due to how his childhood went, his adad was not a nice guy, but amom was wonderful. He says he never felt like he fit anywhere. I’m just so afraid that I’m going to be a disappointment to him. That my family won’t live up to his expectations/desires. I’m freaking out a bit. He doesn’t want communication yet between me and amom. I could just be future tripping, I do that from time to time.

I am so far from perfect that I’m scared. I keep emphasizing communication even if he thinks/feels that something may hurt my feelings that he should just go ahead and say it. I want both of us to be as transparent as possible, I don’t want there to be any miscommunication or misunderstandings.

Am I worrying too much about things that haven’t happened? There are so many similarities between Z, myself and J (the son I raised). The sense of humor, the likes and dislikes (mostly). I’m just so afraid that he has this whole perfect picture in his head that may not be how it is. He’s known he was adopted since he was about 4 or 5, so there could be years of preconceived ideas that he has. How can I live up to that?

What is wrong with me….I should be happy and not worrying about this stuff. Right?

[sstuart]

You are going to worry about all this stuff and that is OK. I would take what he says about the family reunion with a grain of salt. It is too early to tell how all this will work out. I would just be as open and honest as you can be. They do not call reunion a rollercoaster for nothing. You will have some ups and downs. Right now you are both on the up. After you meet there could be some pull back. You need to be ready for that. Read all you can to prepare yourself for this ride. It can get crazy!!

[Rmorgan7777]

Thanks for letting me know I'm not going crazy. I know it's too early but it's good to get a reminder.

BIG NEWS..I just found Bdad, and spoke with gma and bdad. Everyone is thrilled and excited. I get to tell Z tonight that I found him and forward all the information. He has expressed a very strong interested in his Bdad. So I am so happy I am able to provide that to him.

Wish me luck guys.

[snuffie]

I'm on the "other" side. I'm an adoptee who is reunited. I had all of the fears you've talked about before my reunion. (Mine is with my bsibs as my bmom had passed away before I found her.) I couldn't eat or sleep - wondered if I was too fat, what I should wear, if they wouldn't like me and on and on and on. But when the day actually came - wow - it was magical! And what I have learned over the years I've been reunited is that we are all just people - Good, bad, faults etc. It doesn't matter - we are family.

You are being very understanding of both of your sons needs. And that is good. Your younger son is at a difficult age - reunion can be so intense - he may feel a bit left out but it sounds like you plan on including him in everything.

You older son, too, is at a difficult age so its good to let him take this all in at his own pace.

I wish you a wonderful reunion!

Snuffie

[Janeytwo]

Dear RMorgan - Just wanted to wish you luck!!! :-)

Keep us posted okay?

Hugs to ya!

[Amandak249]

I can't offer much advice, as I am an adoptee and on the other side of the equation. I am in a failed reunion, and the only thing I can suggest is to have a REAL discussion with your raised son. I am 20, and I have a 16 year old birthsister who was so cruel to me even after 9 years of reunion because she was jealous. I ended the reunion with my entire birthfamily a little over 2 months ago because these issues with my birthsister tore the family apart, made people take sides, etc.

When push came to shove, my birthfamily was more attached to my birthsister, and because my presence was causing her pain, I was regarded as a problem, a hindrance, a nuisance from their past that they didn't want in their current lives.

My sister BEGAN the reunion loving me. For at least the first 6 years she was very excited about me, loved me, wrote me letters, visited me with and without her family, etc. Your son will most likely be feeling some new emotions, even if he knew about your other son his whole life. All of a sudden he is "sharing" his mother, and he might not take too well to that. Who knows!I suspect it may be more intense with females, but please have a heart to heart talk with him before introducing him to your placed son. Make sure he realizes that this "new" brother is not a threat, etc. I don't know your son, or his personality or how he will react, but this issue has been so painful to me, that I never want to see it happen to anyone else.

Just something to think about. I am in NO way trying to scare you. Adoption affects everyone in the family, and sometimes people who had no choice or input in the adoption are infuriated that their lives have to change.


Good luck to you! I'm happy for you!!

[Rmorgan7777]

Hi All,

I don't even know where to begin.

Amandak249 - I did read your experiance and I have taken ALOT from it concerning my raised son and what we discuss. Thank you for sharing your experiance.

Today I am drained lol. We meet at 11:30, sat and talked for about 3 hours then he asked to go to my place which floored me, I asked if that's what he really wanted to do as we had a housefull this weekend. (My roommates husband had his 2 girls) He said yes so away we went after I made sure he called AMom to the OK.

So Z met J and they seemed to have hit if off really well, they have the same taste in Video games and it was just uncanny the similarities that I saw and heard.

He stayed for dinner, called Amom agian to see if it was ok for him to watch a movie. I finally took him back at about 10:30, we got lost on the way to his Aunt and Uncles so he got home about 11:30.

He had forgotten a card that Amom (L) wanted to give me so he went in to get it and came out w/ L. She hugged me for about 5 minutes LOL. I lost it, I had kept it together ALL day, one hug from her and I"m a blubbering mess. I know Saturday must have been HELL for her. Her in the card she expressed looking forward to making new memories together along with all of her contact information.

SUNDAY - His Bdad and I met up for the first time in 13 years. LOL that was a TRIP. It's all just so much.

Hopefully I hear from Z tonight, yesterday he was at the Baseball game then they went back home with is several hours away.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[hhdavis29]

I have been in reunion with my son who is 19 for about a year and a half. It's been great! Enjoy the roller coaster, it definitely has its ups and downs. When it gets tough, remember what my son's his birthfather told me, "Everything will be ok. We've been through the hard part, and survived. This is the good stuff. Enjoy it!!!"

[zxczxcasdasd]

Sounds like it's going well. Congratulations on such a special day.

[quantum]

Congratulations!
I've been in reunion with my son for 2 years, he's soon 24.
It stabilised a bit after 1 1/2 years, we both were on that rollercoaster, but now we feel a bit more stable. It's harder for us, but maybe easier, since we live over 4,000 miles apart. We were visiting and spent the last week of our vacation with him and then his family. It's great!!

You're doing fine.