[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Hey guys,
I do not know if this is, a personal question as much as it is a general question/discussion point, as I have observed that I am not the only one to be experiancing/have experienced this. Why are some birth mothers (or fathers) so noncommittal to reunion relationships. Personally, I have been in reunion for 3 and a half years. Concluding the “honeymoon phase,” she stopped calling, texting, emailing, or any other communication. Now, I call/ communicate with her and I have asked her numerous times if she “wants out of our reunion” and she says no, that she will try harder to do right by me and call more often. She says that it is not true that she forgets me and that she does care. She has only come to visit once out of the times I asked her to come and for me to visit her. I guess it is just nice to receive a phone call every once and awhile but I know if I stop she will not contact me at all. I tried not calling her for a while, and cracked at a month and a half. It hurts when a birth parent blows you off. My amom always told me that if a person really loves you then they would make time for you. Is it really that hard to lend a hello, how are you doing? Or thinking of you message? (With the many forms of communication, we have.)

If birthparents are really so happy being in reunion with their child and want to have a relationship with them then why are they doing nothing to hold the relationship together?
Because it really does hurt when they forget about you and its annoying when one person in a relationship does all the work. I hope my rambling makes some sense.

~Staci

[shadow riderer]

Hi J:

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I just don't get it either. Even worse is no phone calls, emails, etc, and after you assume that you will probably never hear from them again, you get a card at Christmas or your birthday telling you what a special daughter/son you are. It's just completely mind boggling sometimes.
They love us, but don't want us to be a part of their lives, and don't want to be a part of ours? They don't even care enough to just call us and say, "hey, how are you doing?" The only time I ever hear from either of my BPs is when they feel guilty or obligated.

I'm sorry they feel guilty. I know they don't "want" to hurt me. Not being honest about things, or lying to ease their guilt, is far more cruel than sparing my feelings. If they don't have the courage and decency to just tell me they can't deal with things, I would just prefer they disappear, just like they did when I was born. Their saying one thing and doing another hurts me way worse than it would if they had just said, "I can't do this."

I can't tell you how many times I've sat and wondered if I had done something wrong, Do they just not like me? Was I that big of a disappointment? What do they expect me to do? I finally just decided enough was enough. I stopped reaching out at all. It's become quite obvious that I'm not a priority in either of their lives. It took a while before I finally could get control of that pain that would say just call them. I also realized that everytime I broke down, I was just setting myself up for mor disappointment; more weeks would go by with no phone call or email. I was just delaying the inevitable, and prolonging my own healing. It was so very hard not to pick that phone up just to keep that "connection". I liken it to stopping smoking, drinking, or eating chocolate. After the initial withdrawl, it gets easier. Start with a month. Then push yourself for two months, next thing you know, you've gone four to six and found yourself focusing more and more on your own life. It's certainly not an easy thing to go through. There is a lot of grief to experience. I don't think it will ever stop being a mind boggler for me, my BPs continually telling me how they wanted me to be a part of their lives, yet made/make no effort to include me or be a part of mine. Nope, I just don't get it either, and never will.

I think there will always be a part of me that never stops grieving for what never was. It's always going to hurt when I think about it. One thing is for sure life goes on, and we wil survive. It's too bad that our BPs are passing up such a wonderful opportunity to get to know us, the children they say they love.

[greenbottles]

I am on the other side, my bdaughter has not replied to any of my letters etc for over a year. BUT she has never made me any promises to keep in touch so I am thankful for that. But now I too am grieving the loss of our relationship...I wish she could have sent me an email and said...thanks but no thanks or I'll contact you when I am ready...instead it's nothing...silence...

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Shadow- Thanks for your reply. Isn't it funny how getting a card or a call from birth parents just makes you feel good and then come crashing down after you notice that nothing has changed, it is only a one time thing. There have also been times where I have just wanted to say that it hurts me more stringing me along then disappearing. I made the decision a while ago to give it one more year, after that I will reevaluate and if nothing has significantly changed I will quit. Yeah it will still hurt and the memory of them will be in my head but at least the stabbing pain will end.

"I liken it to stopping smoking, drinking, or eating chocolate. After the initial withdrawl, it gets easier."
~Ha there is no way to possiably give up chocolate, it is just too good. I think even if I was allergic to it I would eat it.

Green- Has your daughter responded to any contact? Are you sure she got it? I say give her some time then try one more time with a letter telling her your contact info and that you will be there if and when she is ever ready. Then I would say you'd have to let it go.

Reunion is funny that way, people do not notice what silence does to the relationship, it does not just make things go away. I really do believe that if both parties could communicate, even if just to say I don't want contact at all/any more things would be a bit better.

Thanks again guys for the replies!
~Staci

[LasVegasMom]

Hi everyone, I'm a birthmother and I have to say I cannot relate at all to any birthparents not wanting contact with their children. I did not seek out my son because I was from the closed era and was told to "get on with my life" which of course was a joke since all I ever did was think of my son. However I felt finding him was not my place, I was told as a scared 17 year old to never try to find him and I pretty much do what I'm told so I never sought him out. That being said, he found me and even though we have had a very rocky reunion, with many ups and downs, it is my life, he is my son, and I will be ****ed if he won't be in my life. I feel for you so much, anyone with birthparents who can't deal with reunion. Just remember that life is about choices and some people just can't deal with the choices they have made. I feel your pain in every single word you type, and it hurts me to feel that your birthparents can't deal. I know my son's bdad could not deal, and he started a phone relationship with our son, but he has been MIA for about 9 months now and never once met our son F2F-always way too busy-whatever...
Anyhow, I do want you to know that not all birthparents are this way, that I do believe that most of us never ever stop thinking of our babies (my kids are always babies to me even though most of them are grown), and crave a relationship with our children. I know everyone has a story, but the second my son contacted me, the second I got off the phone with him, I called my husband, and we told our kids about their brother (well half brother but they consider him their BROTHER), and we just worked it out because he is FAMILY. Time heals all wounds, and you know what, you are right, your bparents don't even know what they are missing out on and hopefully everything will work out for you .

[Jo Ellen]

Staci,

You are not alone at all with what you have communicated here. I have been reunited with my bparents for three years now and often feel the same way. I am the one that makes nearly all the calls. It is so frustrating to be the one keeping the contact going. However I do have returned calls from my bparents and my bmom is really good at calling when something major happens with another family member. I have come to understand that many times the bparents are so concerned about upsetting our lives that they leave it to us to make the contact. A while back my bmom let me know they are very limited on using their cell phones during the week and for me to call the house number unless it is the weekend when they have free mintues. She did stress though for me not to quit calling. I call them once a week if not more and it was good to know they do enjoy the calls. I have come to the realizaton that I will do what works best for us and that is for me to call them and to let them know when I can come for visits. Do not lose hope with your bmom just realize she may be fearful of calling you at times that are not convienient for you. Best wishes for a continued reunion.

[kakuehl]

I don't know if this is true for your bmom, Staci, I know that because, I like many bmothers from the closed era, was told not to look, I find myself still worrying about calling D. I'm afraid I'm calling at a bad time, etc. (Of course, since they have a teen and 3 preschoolers, there's no such thing as a good time!) It's been 3 years since we reconnected and I truly never want to lose sight of him again. He does invite me to attend birthday parties and celebrations (actually, it's usually his wife that invites!) Mostly I talk to D on yahoo when he is at work.

Each situation is different. I always say that if I had a magic wand, I would arranged it that adoptees who want close contact would be matched with bparents who want close contact. (Unfortunately, I can't find one!)

I wonder how much grief work your bmom has done. Sometimes I think bmoms experience incredibily strong emotions when reunion occurs and they don't want to dump them on the adoptee. There are all kinds of possibilities as to why your bmom doesn't call. And it could be there's no good reason.

Shadow - my mom used to criticize my parenting and then send me a mother's day card telling me what a wonderful mother I was. Of course I've had to stop and think how losing her first grandchild to adoption effected our relationship.

There are days I really wish life were easier!

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I wonder how much grief work your bmom has done. Sometimes I think bmoms experience incredibily strong emotions when reunion occurs and they don't want to dump them on the adoptee. There are all kinds of possibilities as to why your bmom doesn't call. And it could be there's no good reason.

I'd like to echo what Kathy said in the above quote. There were times early in our reunion that I experienced overwhelming emotions and memories. During those time periods, I didn't want my son to pick up on any pain or grief I was experiencing. My son is very sensitive and has an uncanny way of tuning into whatever I'm feeling. He also tends to take on the weight of the world, and I have never wanted him to feel bad because I'm feeling bad. So I'd put off calling him for a week or two until I had more of a grasp on my own emotions.

I've read people on the forums talk about how "pullback" is really more of an evaluation period. I think it's possible that your birthmom is trying to sort everything out in her mind.

Hang in there, and keep us updated.

[kathy79]

Most all advice given to bmom's is that they should let the adoptee take the lead on contact & reunion. So we sit and wait and wait for them to call us.


Why can't bmom's and adoptees just be able to say what they want from each other instead of living in fear that they will say the wrong thing? Sounds like that would make reunion so much easier!

Kathy79

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by kathy79

Most all advice given to bmom's is that they should let the adoptee take the lead on contact & reunion. So we sit and wait and wait for them to call us.


Why can't bmom's and adoptees just be able to say what they want from each other instead of living in fear that they will say the wrong thing? Sounds like that would make reunion so much easier!

Kathy79

Of course it would... The problem is that both parent and child (adult) have many years of preconceived ideas and deep emotion to work through. One statement I remember from a course I took is that it takes at least 6 hours of contact to build trust in a relationship. I suspect that it takes longer in adoption relationships. It's difficult to get that contact time in adoption relationships, when much of contact is not in person and when each person comes with expectations that must be worked through. When my bson's parents told him that I had contacted them (he was 32 when I located them), he told them that I had walked out of his life [when I placed him] and I needn't think that I could just walk right back in! D and I have now been reconnect for over 3 years and our relationship is very positive but you can see that D had some "issues" to work through. He told me not too long ago, that he thought I'd made the right decision when I placed him. (Now there's a two-edged sword.)

[shadow riderer]

I guess, one thing that has helped me accept things for what they are, is the fact that my BPs also have major difficulties in their relationships with others. My Bmom and the daughter she raised have a strained relationship as well. I'm beginning to think from what my Bsis is telling me that if Bmom doesn't wake up and get it together soon, their relationship is going to be in as bad a shape as her relationship with me. I hear in my Bsis's voice the same anger, disapointment, and hurt that I've heard and felt in my own. The ironic thing is that all this is bringing my Bsis and I closer.

My Bdad and the daughter he raised have no relationship and haven't for years. He has no really close relationship with other extended family either. It was a hard pill to swallow, the reality that if my Bdad was willing to so easily give up on his relationship with the daughter he raised, whom he thought was his only child, then really, what chance did I have that he wouldn't give up on a relationship with me when things got difficult. His wife goes into a rage everytime she finds out he has spoken to either of us. Rather than stand up to her, he shuts us out. If he would do that to the daughter he raised, again, whom he thought was his only child until me, then what chance did I have. Sad, but it is what it is.

The difference between my Bsis's relationships and mine, they have the history. They weren't given away. (I don't know a better way to say it.) That fact makes the sting of all this a lot more painful for me than it seems to be for them.

I just keep praying that someday my BPs will wake up and see what they are doing to all their children. Sometimes it isn't about pull back. Sometimes it isn't just the adoption issues. Sometimes it goes way deeper. It seems to me that most of the time, whatever it is, it's not something any of us should take personally, but, oh, it's so very hard not to.

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Thank you all for the replies,

I have always considered one of the reasons that my bmom may be shying away from contact is my aparents. Their relationship is nonexistant but I think the fact that I am home at the moment intimidates her. When I was away at school she was a little (very little) better about things. So when I move out next month she will most likley improve. Well I know she will improve because I will not be very far from her. The true test is if the "honeymoon" period will end. Or if she even except the closeness. At the same time this could not be the issue at all.

I guess my frustration point is, if you are going to act this way just tell me why. I am a stickler for open communication, instead of hiding or supressing feelings just say them. Which I understand for some birth mothers that may be hard. That's just how I feel.

kakuehl- I will take a magic wand that would just make this easier. If you find one let me know, I would do the same.

Jo Ellen- its hard to judge whether she appreciates my calls, I know she does not mind them, it just seems like I am bugging her sometimes. Many of our conversations are me on the other side of the phone with her talking to whoever else is in the house and when I tell her I will call her back when she is not busy, she says "Oh I'm not busy.

The rollercoster climbs up the hill....

~Staci

[belleinblue1978]

My firstmom has refused all contact with me. She didn't even respond to the initial letter I wrote. I have met one of my older brothers that she parented once and talked on the phone with him twice.

Here's the deal, their whole family is dysfunctional and they all do a bad job of communicating. I have four older brothers and an older sister. The brother I talked to is the only one that has any kind of contact with our mother.

Some people just can't and don't know how to communicate. They don't understand and were never taught how to communicate. It happens in alot of relationships, not just reunion.

She may never come around and be what you want her to and you can't make her into anything either. That is a really tough thing to accept. She is who she is though and either you can love her how she is or decide not to continue the relationship because you can't come to terms with it.

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

She is who she is though and either you can love her how she is or decide not to continue the relationship because you can't come to terms with it.

This line really peaked my interest, as I do not understand what it means when you say, because you can't come to terms with it.

Come to terms with what? A person who is unsympathetic? A person who can not communicate? A person who can not be bothered to put work into the relationship?

In reunion, a relationship must be built. The building process takes effort from both sides. One side should not be asked to " take it or leave it". If there is a problem, there must be compromise. If there is no effort on one persons part, the other person is left with a bad experience. Pain and discontentment. That does not make a relationship.

Sometimes I grow tired of the adoptee being told to deal with the birthmom, no matter how they treat them. I feel the adoptee would be better off without the relationship, as every person has the right to be treated with respect and love. If you are not being treated that way, the healthy thing to do is end the relationship, mother or no mother.

Kim

[belleinblue1978]

That was my point. I perhaps didn't word it very well.

I am adopted thank you, and I've heard every line of crap that there is to hear.

I came to terms with the idea that my first mom isn't interested in me. I won't allow her to make me angry. I'm telling her that if she can't come to terms with the idea that this is how the relationship will be because her first mom won't change, then she needs to end it and not beat her head against a brick wall.