[BrockBaby]

I have been thinking about something since my visit with my bmom last night. As some of you know, I am an adoptee, who was reunited with her bmom last April. It has been a battle.Yes, that's what I would call it...and I try and try..but just when it seems I have come to some sort of "peace" something else happens.

Last night, as I was visiting my bmom, and other times I've visited with her as well, she says things that are just not very nice to me. She tells me all the time I am conceited, I don't even know how to spell it, let alone be it! LOL I don't understand why she says this...cause when she says things like, Oh you look nice today or something I usually respond with..ummm thanks, but I don't feel that way. (cause I am usually visiting after a long day at work) Anyway...last night she started that, and then was like...OH I could just slap you!!!! And I was like, "why?" and she was like, because I can. And I am like, No, I don't think so. And she made comments like, Well had I raised you you wouldn't be like that. I would have slapped it out of you. (she made that comment after I checked my phone...and she was like..why do you have to do that, do you think you are important?!?! Which I laughed and said, yeah. And that of course prompted more needs of me being slapped....and I was like, I own two businesses and they call me often with questions, concerns, ect....UGH!) So then she kept things up like that, and was like I LOVE GETTING A REACTION OUT OF YOU!!! First off, I wasn't reacting, which is the funny part...I would just give her a look like "are you serious?!"

I do not know why she does this....she said she liked messing with me!!!!! Yet, the moment I "joked" with her, she got ALL mad!!!!!!!! And it got to the point where she was threatening me...because I said to her, When you act that way towards me it makes me want to step back into myself. And she took that as me threatening her......which I explained that I got quiet when people start treating me like she did....and she was like...WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW IF YOU THINK YOU WILL LEAVE HERE AND JUST DECIDE NOT TO COME BACK FOR A WHILE YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK AT ALL......I wanted to soooo badly stand up and say..OKAY GOOD BYE!!! But I didn't, because that's not me. There were some other VERY hurtful things she said to me, but she claims I am the one being hurtful. She said to me, do you just come here to hurt me, because when she said she wanted to go smoke (mind you she's in a nursing home for MS, I guess..not sure exactly...) I was like..I thought you were going to quit because it's not good for you....well she was like Cig. are all I have...and so that is what started it all!

I am sooo sorry this a ramble...I just feel so confused about what to do.....as bmom's do you have the "urge" to do those kinds of things to your children?!?!? I don't understand it at all...and I'm trying to. Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure how much more of this drama I can take.....

[thanksgivingmom]

Ack, okay, so I could be TOTALLY wrong, but the people that I've come across in my life like that are just LIKE that - it may not even really have anything to do with her being your birthmom, you know?

On the other hand, maybe it does. That's so hard for me to comprehend that I couldn't really address it. Obviously Cupcake is just a baby (20 months already!) but I can't imagine doing anything to "mess" with her. I don't doubt that there are birthmoms that don't handle their relationships or reunions well...but I just truly believe that it's more about who they are as individuals not who they are as birthmothers.

Either way, the behavior is not cool and isn't acceptable, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

(((((Brockster))))))

[BrockBaby]

Thanks Tomster...I agree that part of this is probably just the way she is as a person. But there seems to be such an underlying anger towards me. It's almost like she doesn't approve of who I am because I'm not like how she would have raised me. She says things to that effect all the time. The thing is..the son that she did raise, is on drugs, and in and out of jail, because THAT is what he saw...it WAS their lifestyle. ( I know that people make their own choices, but that is the situations he grew up in) And I want to say, "Can't you be happy that I work, go to church, am a nice person, and live a good, clean life?!?! Why do you have to always "pick" at me..." Trust me, I could pick at her, but I don't!!!

Sometimes I really do want to just walk away.. but then I don't want to be labeled one of THOSE adoptees.....I think part of the problem with me, is that I was spoiled here by being around so many "ideal" bmoms....

[MamaS]

There are many people who use "I was just joking" as a cover for saying hurtful and hateful things. These are what I call "closet bullies". If you confront them about something they say, it is always - "I was kidding' or 'You are too sensitive' or 'I was just messing with you'. And yes, they get very angry if you "kid" back at them!
If you have to deal with these people, I find that a blank stare and a long silence followed by "Oh -- kay." And then a complete change of topic "Did it rain here today". That really throws them off their game!

[BrockBaby]

Mama...I had to laugh at the blank stare, because that is what I do, and then I get "oh now you are sitting there looking like your dad" (meaning my biological father, whom I refer to by his first name....)

Why would a bmom want to bully the child that found her though, that's what I don't understand!!!! And why do I put up with it?!?!?! It is REALLY bothering me!!!!

[thanksgivingmom]

Brockster - I hate to think that you're doing anything for any other reason that it being what you want. You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do...I know it's not that simple but you can't live in fear of the label of one of "those" adoptees.

If it's not all that it's her personality and some of it has to do with your adoption, well that is NOT your wound to heal. She may very well be grieving (possibly for the first time) the person you may have been had she parented you. I know it can be hard for that to make sense because the only thing you have to compare to isn't what YOU would want for your life anyway, but no matter WHAT your life would have been I think it's something that birthmoms do grieve. You shouldn't be punished as a part of her grieving process and it's not your responsibility to accept it.

More ((((((hugs!))))))

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

Thanks Tomster...I agree that part of this is probably just the way she is as a person. But there seems to be such an underlying anger towards me. It's almost like she doesn't approve of who I am because I'm not like how she would have raised me. She says things to that effect all the time... And I want to say, "Can't you be happy that I work, go to church, am a nice person, and live a good, clean life?!?!

You have perfect insight into her problem. She CAN'T be happy. Your success shows up her failure as a mother. Your happiness highlights her misery. That makes YOU responsible for her failure and misery, so she attacks you verbally.

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

Sometimes I really do want to just walk away.. but then I don't want to be labeled one of THOSE adoptees.....I think part of the problem with me, is that I was spoiled here by being around so many "ideal" bmoms....

There is no law that says "once reunited you are bound to your birthfamily forever". If anything, you can be an example of when it is reasonable for an adopted child to obtain the medical/family background info they wanted, assure the bio-parent that you are healthy, happy, and bear her no hatred for the adoption, and they distance yourself from their dysfunction and live a healthy and happy life with people of your own choosing.

[BrockBaby]

Awwwwwww thank you soooo much!!! (((tomster)))
It really does my heart to hear things like that. I take on so much responsibility that doesn't belong to me, so thank you for pointing that out. I want to make sure everyone is "okay", but I can't lose who I am in that process, now can I?!

I need to get to the root of this issue for me as well. I need to figure out what I want...what I can do...and..and...and...LOL

Thanks!

[JustPeachy]

Ack, okay, so I could be TOTALLY wrong, but the people that I've come across in my life like that are just LIKE that - it may not even really have anything to do with her being your birthmom, you know?

This was the impression I got. She is probably like this with everyone, but there is an additional layer (or several layers) of difficulty because of the adoption stuff.

It's almost like she doesn't approve of who I am because I'm not like how she would have raised me. She says things to that effect all the time.

Thing is, she didn't raise you and it doesn't matter HOW she would have raised you, as that cannot be recaptured. Therefore, it is neither here nor there. Your bmom seems as though she cannot come to terms with this, but it is her issue to deal with.

It could very well be that you have little (or next to nothing!) in common with your bmom, and no matter how hard you try to get her approval, she will always be this way. I really think she is playing games with you (why anyone enjoys to purposely get a rise out of someone else is beyond me, but lots of people are like this) and if you want a relationship with her, you will need to set limits with her, and if she thinks you are walking out for good, so be it. If she does things that make you uncomfortable, you may think about telling her you are not comfortable and if she keeps it up, you will end the visit and then follow through. If it's too much work setting these kinds of boundaries, you may decide it's not worth it to even pursue a relationship. It's so hard to figure out, I know, but as a bmom, I can't imagine talking this way to my child (when/if I get to reunite with him). Then again, I don't talk to ANYONE that way. It's just not in my character.

Maybe your relationship with bmom will be more of a card/email/occasional lunch type of relationship, maybe she will see the damage she is doing and correct it, or maybe you won't have a relationship at all in the long run. If she is not willing to look at some of her issues and at least meet you half way, I'm not sure how you can keep taking it!

[BrockBaby]

You have perfect insight into her problem. She CAN'T be happy. Your success shows up her failure as a mother. Your happiness highlights her misery. That makes YOU responsible for her failure and misery, so she attacks you verbally.

Can I say, WOW?! When I read those words, something inside of me stood up and shouted YES, YES, YES.....I think she does blame me. She blames herself too...and she takes it out on me, because that's what she does as a person. I know she is in pain, and blames me. I mean, who would get all upset and start yelling at someone that they just come there to hurt her because of a cigarette comment?!?!! Good grief! Yet, she can spew off REAL hurtful comments and I'm suppose to just take them. For instance, she always makes these comments about how the doctor wanted her to get an abortion, but it was too late. And how she could have gone to a backstreet place had she wanted to. And I never know what to say to those comments, so I usually just say, Well I'm glad you didn't. And then last night, she wouldn't let it go, so I said, "well would you have, if you could have." And she replies back, "Well I have to think about that one...I might have, afterall I've had three more, because of medical reasons, and I would have probably been scared....sooooo I just might have." Who says that to a person?!?!!?!?!?!?! She also did let me into some of her pain, when she said, "Well I really felt that once I placed you I'd be free to go on with my plans, but I did feel empty." Still...she thought she'd be free?!!?!?!? Sorry to have to be strapped down with me, if that's how she saw it?! She is so contradictory to me at times, that I think she says those things just to try to hurt me. Never once have I said, Well I am glad you didn't parent me.....I would NEVER say that......UGH UGH UGH

Yeah, I am starting to see that I am angry! Angry at how she treats me...and I don't want to be the Angry Adoptee that walks away...but where do I go from here?!!?!?!??!????!???!?!?!?!?!

[BrockBaby]

Peachy...thank you for your kind words.

It could very well be that you have little (or next to nothing!) in common with your bmom, and no matter how hard you try to get her approval, she will always be this way.

I really don't have anything in common with her. I look 99.9% like my bdads side. And of course she is always saying, "I just never imagined you to be blonde..I figured you'd have brown eyes and brown hair like me, not those blue eyes!" Once again..I am not like she wanted.

Maybe your relationship with bmom will be more of a card/email/occasional lunch type of relationship, maybe she will see the damage she is doing and correct it, or maybe you won't have a relationship at all in the long run. If she is not willing to look at some of her issues and at least meet you half way, I'm not sure how you can keep taking it!

My bmom is in a nursing home, and I just go there to visit her. She told me last night that she wants to go back to living with her VERY yucky brother, and asked if I would visit her there. She knew the answer before she asked it, and I told her that I was unable to do that. I will NOT put myself in harm's way. She does not know my last name, or phone number, because of safety issues with her brother. Her own family members told me not to divulge that information, and to be honest, I feel better her not knowing. This may make me a hard, insensitive person, but after all I've been through, I haven't felt that I should be doing it differently. She doesn't have computer skills, nor does her brother have a home phone, so I can't even call there with a blocked number...sooooooooooo....I did tell her before the "blow up" that I would talk with her cousin, about us maybe meeting at her house...so it's not like I am a total brat!

[julie23]

i think your birthmother is a bully. and some people are just that way. they know every tactic possible to bully others into what they want them to do...

I really don't have anything in common with her. I look 99.9% like my bdads side. And of course she is always saying, "I just never imagined you to be blonde..I figured you'd have brown eyes and brown hair like me, not those blue eyes!" Once again..I am not like she wanted.

has your birthmother ever said to you "you are not at all like i wanted you to be!"

if not, you may be reading your stuff into her comments.... not her stuff.....

chances are your birthmother had some kind of fantasy of how you "would be".... when years pass without contact, i think the brain fills things in a little...

i remember saying to my daughter who turned out to have straight hair (like me)... "I always thought you would have curls."

that certainly doesn't mean i was disappointed that she didn't.... i hope she didn't take that any negative way... it was that my brain filled in the gaps... her birthfather had curls, and i thought she would have had curls... certainly no big deal that she didn't.... and certainly, i did not want her to be any different than she is...

how many times in our lives do we hear "the fruit doesn't fall from the tree!" .... every time one of my raised daughters sounds exactly like me, or spouts of one of my own opinions... i chuckle and think "you are already turning into your mother".... and i think we can mistakenly think this is genetics... and it is surprising, in a reunion to find that this fruit has turned out like her adoptive family tree.... in many ways!

for me, it doesn't mean she didn't turn out the way i wanted her to.... she's just different than i had imagined she would be... she's like her adoptive mom... not me.. and that was a surprise...

i also agree though, that your lifestyle and her own childrens lifestyle does force her to look at herself... and her parenting... and her failures... it is sad that she seems to be angry with you about it...

where do you go from here? you don't have to be the angry adoptee walking away... you can feel the anger... look at what the anger is triggering inside of you... deal with it, and set boundaries with her...

my friend jackie always says "anger points the way".... and it is true... if i am busy working on something in my house, or even here on the computer, and my kids come in fighting with each other, i can get angry with them.... but it's not really THEM... it's that they interrupted ME... they bothered MY peace and quiet... i think it is valuable to look at anger... and figure out what inside of us is triggering it...

good luck! she sounds like a doozey....
j

[quantum]

Brockybaby, you are not a spoiled brat in the least!

And I agree with pp's that this is about HER issues, HER insecurites and just because you are a fabby person doesn't mean that she would have to be.
Of course, my bson is a fabby person and I DO take credit for it, but I AM fabby myself!
But seriously, not all bmoms play games. I know I try very hard to make sure I'm understood, I try hard to not lay my issues on my son at all.

I do beleive it is something about your birthmother and who she is, and her trying to deal with her issues. Unfortunately.
It's not fair for you to have to deal with it and you are not obligated to.
I know that sometimes I've had to cut friends out of my life because they were nothing but toxic to me.

I know how you are though, and doing that wouldn't be easy. Maybe try not taking her things on for a while? Try to not let this passive agressive bullying (or closet bullying) get to you at all. See how that sits with you? I wish I knew how to do that! But I don't. But maybe worth a try?

hugs for you toots!

[BrockBaby]

Julie...you are right, we can read into people's comments. She has told me that she was disappointed that I didn't look like her. But I will also say that she says that I am a beautiful girl. But if you could just meet her, you'd understand how she seems to be so manipulative. One other time she was EXTREMELY nasty, and then ended the conversation, which was on the phone, oh well now you'll probably be all mad at me...I love you! I do not like to be manipulated, yet here I sit, allowing it to happen. The more I've been thinking about this, the more I want to put a stop to it. I have put up some boundries, and stuck to them, but there's always new ones she is trying with me..or perhaps just old ones coming out in different ways.....

For one thing, I think she is VERY upset that I don't call her mom, or mother, or something like that. Because as we were talking last night, before she got nasty, I had called her her first name. And she VERY righteously said..I AM YOUR MOTHER and that is what you will call me!!!!!! I said, no, I will call you debbie, just like I call dean by his first name as well. So that lead into a whole other "battle". She said, Yes but I am your MOTHER!!!! Your other mom is that only by name, nothing else. I stopped that one too. I was like, NO, that is where you are wrong, she is my mom in every sense other than giving birth to me....it's not merely by name. And she was like..Yes, but I AM YOUR BLOODLINE and that is more important!!!!! And then she started laughing this evil laugh, threw her head back and said, "GOD THINKS MORE OF ME THAN HER. IN THE BIBLE IT SAYS TO HONOR YOUR MOTHER AND THAT WOULD BE ME!!!!" So, THAT is what I am dealing with!!!! Why wouldn't I want to scram!? Perhaps she is trying to get me to that point..I'm not sure...

[BrockBaby]

Quantum,
You spoke something very powerful to me.

Unfortunately.
It's not fair for you to have to deal with it and you are not obligated to.

I FEEL obligated to her because I found her. She makes comments about that. Well you found me, got what you wanted, and now you'll probably leave. So to hear a bmom say that I am not obligated to deal with this crap, somehow made me see it in a different light. l hate feeling obligated. What am I obligated to do? What is my responsibility in this, beings that I am the one who initiated contact? Am I really ready to not have contact? Those are all questions that I have to think about...but thinking about them without the load of obligation, makes them a whole different load. I just hope I can remove the obligations and see things in a clearer light.

Yeah, I wish I knew how not to take some of these things on. I do well with certain areas, and I have come a LONG way from how I use to be...but still..it's hard, hard...

Thanks to ALL of you for your support. Thanks for not blasting me for being honest about the way I feel. I WANT to do the right thing.