[shadow riderer]

Bprice has a point, however,I think there is a difference between "helping" and "enabling" someone to continue in a destructive manner. I think you already know the difference, so there isn't any need to explain it here. I know Bprice isn't telling you to take any abuse; just giving you more to think about. This is my favorite poem. I don't know why, but after reading Bprice's post this poem popped into my silly head. I don't really know why, but I just felt like I should share it with you. You may have already seen it, but sometimes I dont' question...I just do. lol Maybe it will just give someone a laugh or make them smile? Anyway...

BUTT PRINTS IN THE SAND

(Otherwise known as the sequel to "Footprints." Ten years later and no change)

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord,"What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord,they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed,you would not grow,
The walk of faith,you would not know,
So I got tired,I got fed up'
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life,there comes a time,
When one must fight,and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

--Author Unknown


I think sometimes we think if we just love someone enough they will change. If we just help them enough, take care of them enough, be there for them at all cost, just keep turning the other cheek, so to speak, that this person will see the error of their ways and change. Sometimes it happens that way, but most of the time it doesn't. Sometimes the best way to hellp someone is to stop helping them, and let God take over. Telling someone you love them, but you will no longer allow them to disrespect, or mistreat you, and if they do you wont be back until they can treat you with respect and consideration, isn't turning your back on them. They may choose to look at it that way, but that is not what it is. I'm sure whatever you say to your Bmom, she will put a twist on it, but that is her issue and not yours. The truth with love...if the time comes, and if God has as much confidence in you, and I think he does, as he seems to have in me...the time will come, an you will do the right thing.

Thumbs up, girl.

[kathigary]

It's a shame that she is passing up such an opportunity to be close to you. I would love to have more contact with my bd. She is not ready b/c she doesn't want to upset her mom.

I think you have a lot of courage and strength to even consider visiting her again (not that she deserves the chance after the way she has been treating you).

I hope things go well for you if you go back. Let us know.

Kathi

[BrockBaby]

Shadow....I thought I had responded to your post, but I didn't..so sorry! I love that poem, and I had never heard it before. I was TRYING to describe it to my friend when we were driving home from a concert. (my friend is like a mom to me, and has even gone to see my bmom with me once last year when I had to set boundries with her saying that she would have done a better job raising me...so she knows the situation!) ANYWAY....it really actually reminded me of my bmom. She was complaining how God doesn't seem to do anything for her...yet I am not sure what she's done for Him, or herself for that matter. And at the same time, I wanted to be like, "He allowed me to find you!" I just think that there are many things to praise God for and don't understand that mentality. Yet another way we are so different!!!

So, have you started your part of our book series!?!?

Thanks Shadow for always being such a constant support for me!!!! I miss our good ole' days!

[BrockBaby]

Kathi...thank you for the encouragement. I am not sure if the bmoms realize how much it has encouraged me and given me a peace that "they" are okay with my feelings. I never wanted to be seen as the "bad adoptee". It is good to know that the way I am feeling is not out of whack..or off the charts...but is accurate in what my bmom has been dishing out to me.

It was sort of funny, I was just putting something in my car for a friend (who I was on the phone with) and I was telling her that I was only working a half day. For a brief moment I thought...that is when I'd normally see if it would be a good time for me to visit my bmom. (meaning calling to see if her brother was there or not) And as quickly as the thought entered my mind, a great big DO NOT DO IT entered as well. So here I sit now, thinking...well should I call her!? It's really easy to hang up if she gets that way! I don't know....I wanted to say..I don't care, but it's obvious I do to a certain extent, or it wouldn't bother me. The question I am asking myself, is it that I care because of something I think I need or will regret doing...or is it out of care for her. I honestly don't know.

[djvj]

wow -- i find as a very recently reunited birthmother that i tend to kind of imagine every adoptee out there is/could have been my child, and i find it very painful even to HEAR about how your birthmother is treating you. She quite clearly has very strong emotional issues that have NOTHING to do with you and the person you are. She is also quite clearly still so trapped in her own unresolved feelings about the adoption that i'm not sure she is capable or willing to be a good influence in your life.

Listen to me carefully: having the contact with you that she has is a PRIVILEGE, not a right. So many loving bmoms never get a chance to see their children again. it sounds like you are really trying to make this work...and i admire that...but to really honor what is best for you AND FOR HER AS A BMOM you have to do what is most healthy and safe for YOU, because i am sure that under her pain and dysfunction she wants you to be a healthy happy person. you can't excuse her behavior because of her pain, all bmoms have pain and i don't imagine this type of behavior is typical.

i am sending you a big hug and i hope you are able to find a way to come to peace with this in a way that is healthy and beneficial to you...if it was my own bdaughter in the same situation i would want her to walk away from me if it was what was best for her. unfortunately, your bmom just can't or won't access this part of her heart right now...

best of luck

[kune]

It's almost like she doesn't approve of who I am because I'm not like how she would have raised me. She says things to that effect all the time. The thing is..the son that she did raise, is on drugs, and in and out of jail, because THAT is what he saw...it WAS their lifestyle. ( I know that people make their own choices, but that is the situations he grew up in) And I want to say, "Can't you be happy that I work, go to church, am a nice person, and live a good, clean life?!?! Why do you have to always "pick" at me..." Trust me, I could pick at her, but I don't!!!

You know??? I think she gets angry when she measures herself and her own accomplishments or actions. Telling you about abortions after your birth is looking for redemption or pity. She hasn't worked through her past mistakes....I think she is "stalled" emotionally in it. While that shouldn't give anyone the right to act out to get a reaction.....maybe she is just reliving the moment and passing the pain she feels onto the only person who appears untouched by her past decisions. (You have said the family in general is strange....) She's trying to "brand" you by sharing her horror.

Keep living the good life Lori. You know who you are and where you are going. You're doing great!!! Don't take on other's wrath.
((Hugs)) We need to chat!!

Ann

[BrockBaby]

She is also quite clearly still so trapped in her own unresolved feelings about the adoption that i'm not sure she is capable or willing to be a good influence in your life.

djvj... You are very right about that. She is so trapped in the way she was brought up, that she isn't able to be a good influence in anyone's life. Thank you for your kind words.

A little update.... I have been in contact with my bmom's half sister, who is MUCH older then my bmom. (my bmom is 49 and the baunt is 69) She didn't know anything about me, which was odd because EVERYONE else in my bmom's life did. She lives out of state, and talking to her on the phone was delightful!!!! I assured her that I am NOTHING like my bmom, and she was happy about that. She even said, I don't know how you'll feel about this..but it's the best thing that happened to you (meaning me being adopted). She was able to give me insight into how my bmom's mom was. (This aunt and my bmom shared a dad, my bgrandpa, and this aunt's mom had died when she was nine....she remembered life before her mom died with her dad, and she was saying how her dad really went downhill after the death of his first wife). ANYWAY....such a rabbit trail poster I am!!! It was really good talking with her, and it explains SO MUCH more about the way my bmom is. It's the way she was. She never really had a chance, because of the way she was brought up. However, my baunt told me that she tried to take bmom for a while...which she did...but she was so far gone by then, so she went back "home". This was before me. The baunt is a very nice lady, and has a very nice family. They are "normal"!!!!!!!! So it's been refreshing for me to know that there is normal people in my bfam from my bmom's side!!!!! (not that they are all strange..but ya know!)

I have still not gone to see, or call my bmom. Every time I think I might...I just can't. I am not ready to face the firing squad just yet!!!!!!

[BrockBaby]

Ann,

Thank you!!!!! I think she is trying to "brand" me by her horror. And blame me. And get credit for who I am, because "without her I wouldn't be here at all". But you know what...she had choices..and I had choices! And I decided not to allow her actions, words, and just the way she is, dictate to me the way I am going to feel about myself!!! Ever see the Saturday Night Live skit, Stuart Smalley? Well he had a saying, "I am good enough. I am smart enough. And doggone it, People like me!" And THAT is how I feel. I am who I am. I am who I am suppose to be. And nothing that she dishes out to me is going to make me feel differently about who I am!!! (this is not the conceited attitude she claims I have...but it is the truth that as humans this is how we SHOULD feel about ourselves!) Her past, her mistakes, her failures do not have to make me feel guilty for not making the same ones. I have made my mistakes, I have done those things I shouldn't have. I ask for forgiveness. I accept forgiveness. I move on. She isn't able to do that. And, honestly, I don't feel that I am going to be able to help her do that. She spends too much time blaming me, being nasty to me, to even get a glimpse of what I could help her with. That is her deal, not mine. Not anymore!!!! If this makes me calloused, and hard. So be it. Because I know what a tender person I am with people.....it's just sad that she can't accept that!!!!

Ann... I know you didn't mean for all of that to come pouring out of my heart...but it just did. Perhaps knowing I am safe with you. That you'll correct me where I need to be, allows me to get that out, into the open! Yes, we do need to chat!! I was just saying last night to susisloo and bama that I missed you, and wondered where ya been! And this morning a message from you!!!! Thanks my far-away mum!!!


Lori

[proudmum]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

Ann,

Thank you!!!!! I think she is trying to "brand" me by her horror. And blame me. And get credit for who I am, because "without her I wouldn't be here at all". But you know what...she had choices..and I had choices! And I decided not to allow her actions, words, and just the way she is, dictate to me the way I am going to feel about myself!!! Ever see the Saturday Night Live skit, Stuart Smalley? Well he had a saying, "I am good enough. I am smart enough. And doggone it, People like me!" And THAT is how I feel. I am who I am. I am who I am suppose to be. And nothing that she dishes out to me is going to make me feel differently about who I am!!! (this is not the conceited attitude she claims I have...but it is the truth that as humans this is how we SHOULD feel about ourselves!) Her past, her mistakes, her failures do not have to make me feel guilty for not making the same ones. I have made my mistakes, I have done those things I shouldn't have. I ask for forgiveness. I accept forgiveness. I move on. She isn't able to do that. And, honestly, I don't feel that I am going to be able to help her do that. She spends too much time blaming me, being nasty to me, to even get a glimpse of what I could help her with. That is her deal, not mine. Not anymore!!!! If this makes me calloused, and hard. So be it. Because I know what a tender person I am with people.....it's just sad that she can't accept that!!!!

Ann... I know you didn't mean for all of that to come pouring out of my heart...but it just did. Perhaps knowing I am safe with you. That you'll correct me where I need to be, allows me to get that out, into the open! Yes, we do need to chat!! I was just saying last night to susisloo and bama that I missed you, and wondered where ya been! And this morning a message from you!!!! Thanks my far-away mum!!!


Lori

Brock thanks for the update, i have been wondering how things have been going for you..
Its wonderful news that you got to speak to your birthaunt,,,
Good for you for liking yourself as a person ,, i think that its great..(and you sound like a lovely person)