[TAMArt7]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

I have been thinking about something since my visit with my bmom last night. As some of you know, I am an adoptee, who was reunited with her bmom last April. It has been a battle.Yes, that's what I would call it...and I try and try..but just when it seems I have come to some sort of "peace" something else happens.

Last night, as I was visiting my bmom, and other times I've visited with her as well, she says things that are just not very nice to me. She tells me all the time I am conceited, I don't even know how to spell it, let alone be it! LOL I don't understand why she says this...cause when she says things like, Oh you look nice today or something I usually respond with..ummm thanks, but I don't feel that way. (cause I am usually visiting after a long day at work) Anyway...last night she started that, and then was like...OH I could just slap you!!!! And I was like, "why?" and she was like, because I can. And I am like, No, I don't think so. And she made comments like, Well had I raised you you wouldn't be like that. I would have slapped it out of you. (she made that comment after I checked my phone...and she was like..why do you have to do that, do you think you are important?!?! Which I laughed and said, yeah. And that of course prompted more needs of me being slapped....and I was like, I own two businesses and they call me often with questions, concerns, ect....UGH!) So then she kept things up like that, and was like I LOVE GETTING A REACTION OUT OF YOU!!! First off, I wasn't reacting, which is the funny part...I would just give her a look like "are you serious?!"

I do not know why she does this....she said she liked messing with me!!!!! Yet, the moment I "joked" with her, she got ALL mad!!!!!!!! And it got to the point where she was threatening me...because I said to her, When you act that way towards me it makes me want to step back into myself. And she took that as me threatening her......which I explained that I got quiet when people start treating me like she did....and she was like...WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING NOW IF YOU THINK YOU WILL LEAVE HERE AND JUST DECIDE NOT TO COME BACK FOR A WHILE YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME BACK AT ALL......I wanted to soooo badly stand up and say..OKAY GOOD BYE!!! But I didn't, because that's not me. There were some other VERY hurtful things she said to me, but she claims I am the one being hurtful. She said to me, do you just come here to hurt me, because when she said she wanted to go smoke (mind you she's in a nursing home for MS, I guess..not sure exactly...) I was like..I thought you were going to quit because it's not good for you....well she was like Cig. are all I have...and so that is what started it all!

I am sooo sorry this a ramble...I just feel so confused about what to do.....as bmom's do you have the "urge" to do those kinds of things to your children?!?!? I don't understand it at all...and I'm trying to. Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure how much more of this drama I can take.....

Hi Brockbaby:

I really feel for your situation! I agree, your bmom sounds like a bully. I would be willing to bet that her nasty behavior is a direct result of her own guilt and insecurity. I think that she is probably terrified that you will wake up one day hating her for abandoning you. By approaching you with hostility, she is somehow protecting herself from what she feels is inevitable. As in any abusive relationship, I think she is attempting to break you down so that the power position is hers.

I know that it is so much easier said than done, but perhaps it is time to confront her on this. I know that it is probably scary, as there is always the possibility that she will run away rather than face her insecurities and try to change her behavior; but sometimes it is better to separate ourselves from those who hurt us and are unwilling to change.

The Bottom Line: YOU DESERVE RESPECT!

Of course, I can't tell you what to do. But know that my advice comes from experience after a (very recent) disasterous "reunion" with my birth sister.

Hang in there, Sweetie You are so much stronger than you know, and you deserve so much better than what your bmom is giving you.

...tam

[BrockBaby]

I think that she is probably terrified that you will wake up one day hating her for abandoning you. By approaching you with hostility, she is somehow protecting herself from what she feels is inevitable. As in any abusive relationship, I think she is attempting to break you down so that the power position is hers.

You are probably right, she may even feel she deserves to be "hated" by me, because of her own insecurities and self-esteem issues. The truth of the matter, NONE of the things that are bothering me, or hurtful, are a result of her relinquishing me, but the way she is treating me in the here and now. The past is that..but she is really starting to jeopardize her future as well. So perhaps I need to tell her that unless she changes her present actions and behaviors, then the future is going to be like the past...no me. Does that sound harsh!? Does that sound mean?! I really don't know what else to think, feel or do....I can NOT go on feeling the way I do about this. I can't even believe that this is my reunion. But, it is what it is...and I will go forward from here...

Thank you Tam for seeing those qualities in me...today I do feel strong...but tomorrow may be another thing! lol

[BrockBaby]

Brock, I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like, in my reunion with my Bdad, that it is almost like he thinks he has done me some sort of favor by acknowledging me and reuniting.

Shadow... Yes, sometimes I do feel like that in a way. For me, it's more like she has done me a favor for giving me life, and now I am indebted to her. I swear, if I have to hear one more time how she could have aborted me I think I'll come unglued. (especially in light of the things she told me recently) I would like to know what she wants me to do to make her realize that I know that she gave me life. What can I do to make her stop throwing it in my face!?!?!? UGH!!!!!!

I think God puts difficult people in our lives so that he can continue to help us build our character...but...dang!...how much more work does my character need? lol

You have quite a character as it is! You are a strong, beautiful woman...but I know what you mean!!!! There's that saying, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger." We are going to be muscle-women after this!!!!!

Thanks for always being such a good support to me!!

[shadow riderer]

Brock, remember the book we were going to write: "How To Make Reunion Way More Difficult Than It Has To Be?" I think we now have a sequel: "How To Make Reunion Next To Impossible Without Even Trying."

Whatcha think?

[BrockBaby]

Shadow..... OH MY GOSH!!!! You made me laugh out loud sitting here in my office!!!!! I love the idea. Maybe we could have a series of books.

A few other titles to try out would be...

A Guide of Comebacks for Adoptees
or
How to Drive Your Child Away In 30 Days or Less
or
A spoof from Dr. Suess's book, Are You My Mother? (you know the one where the little bird is looking for his mom?!)

I know this sounds really mean...I am just releasing some stress!!! And these books are really only about MY reunion and of course me co-authors.....

[TAMArt7]

The past is that..but she is really starting to jeopardize her future as well. So perhaps I need to tell her that unless she changes her present actions and behaviors, then the future is going to be like the past...no me. Does that sound harsh!? Does that sound mean?! I really don't know what else to think, feel or do....I can NOT go on feeling the way I do about this. I can't even believe that this is my reunion. But, it is what it is...and I will go forward from here...

That absolutely does NOT sound harsh or mean!!! Your bmom needs to understand that first and foremost, you need to take care of YOU. By not addressing these very serious issues, you enable her to continue to act like a spoiled child, and you slowly chip away at your own sense of self-worth.

Good Luck to you, Baby!
T

[BrockBaby]

By not addressing these very serious issues, you enable her to continue to act like a spoiled child, and you slowly chip away at your own sense of self-worth.

Good Luck to you, Baby!

You are right, and by not addressing them I am basically saying that it is okay for her to treat people like that. At some point someone needs to stand up to it!! I was talking to my baunt from my bdad's side tonight, and I told her a little about this situation..and she said that they were the kind of people that said whatever they wanted, regardless of how it made other people feel, ect. She was so upset about the abortion comment...I think I'll concentrate on this side, they are sweet! And, Tam, you are right, I can not let her take away from who I am!!!

[keds]

Brock! checked chat - must have missed you - I have a flight in 10 minutes so I'll be back - had to comment on this post though before I go - nobody should make you feel badly about yourself (I know, I don't follow that rule either). My gosh, my family always speaks their minds and most of them really don't get it. I KNOW that I am not the best person on the face of the earth, but God knows I'm trying.

I have pretty much cut off my parents at the moment - just e-mails because of the manipulations (all under the guise of helping me become a better person). There are memories that are coming back with therapy that aren't the best, not their fault, but difficult to deal with all the same. I know I've made mistakes with my kids but we are soooo close to me and I make sure I count to 20 before I answer them (especially if they ask me if they look "fat" in that dress). All kidding aside, it's hard enough to face the world without having the one person you are supposed to have on your side slam you - without even knowing it!

I have to go but I hope to catch up with you and all my other friends soon. God knows, without this site the dog would need therapy! take care and TTYL my dear friend.

Kate

[BrockBaby]

Kate...sorry I missed you in chat Hope your flight was uneventful. I hope to catch up with you soon!

All kidding aside, it's hard enough to face the world without having the one person you are supposed to have on your side slam you - without even knowing it!

That sums it all up. She emotionally slams me over and over and over and over....and this time, I am NOT bouncing back to her for another slam. I will visit her one more time, and lay down the law, and we will go from there. The sad thing is, she doesn't see what she does as wrong....she always has an excuse and she claims it is because of how I act. Dang..I'd hate to see how she treated someone who really did things to her!!!! I know I have deeply offended her by not being open to my last name, phone number, ect. She is always asking me for my number...just in case she dies....which honestly I had to hold back laughing at that one, because she was like "How will I get ahold of you if I die?!" I sooo wanted to say, "If you are dead you won't be calling anyone!!" The funny thing was, she told me that I wouldn't know because she's not having anything put in the paper. What she fails to realize, is that I have a VERY VERY GOOD memory, and we had a big blow up one time when she told me she changed her obituary to include me. HMMMMMMM makes you wonder!!!!!! I think she says things just to say them!!!!

I so wish that I could take some of my adoption friends with me when I have my talk. Yeah, I know..I am a chicken!!! I just feel it will be easier to have someone there with me, that way they can help me "judge" if she is being "awful" or if I am just being over-sensitive. Of course, one other time, I took a dear friend with me when I knew I had to talk with her. (This was the time she kept saying that, "Your parents did a good job raising you, but I would have done a better job." Like there was something wrong with how I turned out!) So does anyone want to sign up for Boundries 101 with my bmom!??!?!!?

The "funny" thing is, when I think about doing this, I get an almost panic feeling....Am I doing the right thing!?!?!? But thanks to all the support and advice, I don't know what other option would be better. I can't let it go on....

[keds]

OMG! I wish I could go with you, I'm there in spirit. I would NEVER think my bson should take my name and I was blessed when he trusted me with his phone number, snail mail for awhile, then e-mail. I hate to say I have been feeling "left out" but, when I stand back and look at "our" reunion, geez, he's the best!

You're mom sounds like she doesn't know what she wants - and my gosh - I KNOW I couldn't have done a "better job" at raising my bson" - how do you compare? You "turned out" just great - you're kind, sensitive and have a lot more patience and compassion for others (especially bmom, IMO) than I would ever have for anyone.

I agree, you can't let it go on. You are so much like me, I expect the best in people and when they disappoint I think, next time will be better, and again, and again but I never tell them what they've done is truly hurtful and that I do want the best relationship I can have with them but not at the expense of my own happiness.

I always tell my daughters that when it's over - it's OVER so live life to its fullest as there's no going back - that also means you have to be considerate of others so you're not the one that makes theirs a little less spectacular. Thank God, I've heard they are kind and considerate - just like you!

Anyway, long post but I think you need someone in your court and, from a bmom's perspective she does need a little "reality check". Let me know how it goes, and I'm standing beside you - be strong, take care of yourself and keep your kindness - the Golden rule seems to shine through in all your posts.

Take care and remember - we're all here for you!



BTW, I'm off line until late tomorrow but I'm thinking of you and everyone else who is struggling with reunion.

Kate

[BrockBaby]

Kate...I wish you could come with me as well!!!!! Although, if we were together, we'd just want to chat and chat and chat with each other!!! LOL ALTHOUGH...we'd have TONS to chat about after our visit, trust me!!!!!!!

Thank you for such lovely comments about my character. It means something that you can see the "real" me through my posting....I try to be transparent and real here! (I know of no other way to be!)

I hope we can catch up one of these nights! I miss my Kate!!!


Lori

[TAMArt7]

The "funny" thing is, when I think about doing this, I get an almost panic feeling....Am I doing the right thing!?!?!? But thanks to all the support and advice, I don't know what other option would be better. I can't let it go on....

Of course, none of us can tell you what to do, especially "newbie" me! But I truly believe that your self-respect is more important than any genetic ties. If you DO decide to confront her on this, keep in mind that SHE is the one creating this situation.

Maybe if you say something like, "I really want to continue to have a relationship with you, but I need it to be nurturing and healthy for BOTH of us. I care so much about you, but I feel a growing hostility from you that is very hurtful, and I want to try to address it before it pushes us away from each other."

Who knows what her reaction will be? It is definitely a risk, and everyone and every situation is different. But for ME, living with the pain that this lady is causing would be impossible.

This may sound silly, but if it helps you feel less alone and more empowered when you speak to her, you may want to print up these responses and fold them up tight and put them in your pocket so that we can all "be there"! I wouldn't take "us" out of your pocket when you speak to her, but perhaps it will remind you of all of the people who (in different ways) share your struggle and are proud of your courage! Just don't let it fall out of your pocket!!

Good Luck, Sweetie I'm still new so I don't really know how it works, but I believe that I am set up to recieve email through the forum. Feel free to email me anytime!

Peace...t

[BrockBaby]

Tam....I loved the idea of "taking you guys with me". It made me smile!!! I really don't know if or when I'm even going to go see her again. She claims that she is probably going to be living with her brother again, which means she'll be out of the nursing home. I do NOT visit her when she is living with him, she was concerned about this, and wanted me to visit her there and give him a second chance. However, that is not a possiblility at all for me. So...I may be just a big ole' coward and not ever confront this....and just let what may naturally happen when she leaves the nursing home happen. But then on the other hand, I would love to let her know how I really feel...but then I'm afraid it will anger her more and then she'll try to "find me"...and I don't want that. So.....I guess I'll just play it by ear.

Thanks!!!!

[BrockBaby]

soprano...I swear there was a post from you, and then I went to comment on it, and it was gone. Anyway, I am sorry that your daughter pulls away from you. It is really hard when bfam members are manipulative. Hang in there. I can assure you though, that the ONLY reason I would pull away from my bmom is because of her behavior towards me NOW. NOT because I want to "punish her" or anything like that....that would just be wrong.

[bprice215]

I think your birth mom only lashes out at you because she feels she had no hand in your success. Her relationship failed with your birth father is her excuse for her comments towards him and you. She's been a complete failure as a human being and she know she's running out of time to make ammends. If you walk away then you'll play right into her hand and be to blame for what's not right in her life. She seems really scared Brock, scared she'll die and her life will mean nothing after of her death. I know you have it in you to help this wounded soul make peace. Maybe that's what God wants of you. There is alway's a reason, it is up to us to decide what can I do to help with God's plan for he loves each one of us unconditionally. Think about that will you.
bprice215
Thanks; you've help me with another other problem I've been facing. You are wonderful.