[dpen6]

Brockbaby,

You say she is in a NH for MS? I really think you need to cut her some slack....was she like this before she got sick? MS has known personality changes due to the neuro aspect of her diagnosis. Is there any one to ask what she was like before she got sick?

She is dealing with HUGE issues from a medical standpoint, never mind bringing in the whole adoption thing.

I am truly of the mindset that sometimes people with chronic illiness as severe as hers should not be allowed to brow beat anyone but you need to know how much is actually her and how much is the MS.

Then go from there.

[BrockBaby]

Yep, there sure are people to ask. And they wanted to protect me from her....told me how she was....this was her cousins who she was extremely close with. She lies so much about her medical conditions, you never know what to believe. She is diabetic, I know that for a fact. She has blood pressure problems, I know that for a fact as well. She is of "sound mind" and we will say that loosely...because really!!? However, I think at this point, my slack is running slim...I have been giving her slack for almost 15 months now.....when is enough enough? Maybe that says more then I realized...maybe I am ready to be done. But then I look deep in me and wonder, am I really??!! I am not the bad guy here.

[dpen6]

nononno...heavens ...no one is the bad guy here and i never meant to insuate that!!! I was just trying to let you know that MS DOES cause personality changes.

Is she in a NH? How old is she? I am assuming the MS is pretty advanced if she is in a NH.

[BrockBaby]

She's 49 and she is in a nursing home because that is what she does. She doesn't need to be there, really. She had a drug induced stroke a long time ago, and although she denies doing drugs, other's have told me differently. (others that don't make things up) I think she is basically just a mess from her lifestyle. She talks about getting her own place, but never does the actions necessary to do it. She goes in and out of nursing homes on a whim....I partly think she goes in to get away from her brother. It's not as cut and dry as I wish it could be. I am not making light of her situation either, I have a dad who is in a nursing home because of complications of diabetes..so I have a very GOOD understanding of it....he's been in for 3.5 years now...but I do have empathy about her situation...but that does NOT give her ANY right to be so nasty, manipulative, and mean...if she thinks that that is the way to my heart, she is going to have a rude awakening....

[JustPeachy]

Brock, also, are you working at all with a therapist or counselor? I'm thinking that could help you with setting and maintaining boundaries, and also with the other emotions that come up with regards to your bmom.

[BrockBaby]

Peachy... I had gone to counseling with my Pastor's Wife (she was qualified) before reunion. But I have not gone to counseling since reunion. I am not against it. I have thought of returning. Most of the time though, I am able to talk through my "issues". Part of it is realizing that I might not want to persue this anymore.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I FEEL obligated to her because I found her. She makes comments about that. Well you found me, got what you wanted, and now you'll probably leave.

That is a manipulative statement in itself...setting it up so that if you leave, it's because "you got what you wanted" not because of anything she did. So if you leave, it's because you're a selfish person.

A little arm-chair psychology here...

It might be that there are some serious personality issues that are further complicated by the adoption issues. It can happen that people can be self-destructive in relationships if they don't know how to comfortably be in loving sustained relationships, so they can create situations in which they can play out the role of the victim. In other words, they destroy the relationship and then feel victimized by the loss of relationship, because it's what they know how to do- its their comfort zone. It sounds to me like this may be the case here.

If not, then you're dealing with someone who just lacks the ability to empathize or to see past her own opinions and emotional impulses. I don't fault her for feeling how she feels, anymore than I would fault an amom for how she feels while working out the sometimes difficult situations of reunion. But I absolutely cannot excuse her words and actions as you've described, regardless of how she feels, just as I would not excuse an amom behaving like this toward her child. It's not okay because it's not okay, no matter what adoption filter you run it through.

When dealing with controlling or manipulative people, whether you are related by biology or adoption, or however- you must remember that you never owe anyone your life. And you never owe anyone a relationship, whether they birthed you or raised you.

I do like what both quantum and TG said. If you took obligation and guilt out of the equation, what is it that you want for your life? Sometimes I "try on" difficult decisions in my head for a day or so, and I've sometimes been surprised at where I've found either resolve or relief.

Hope you can find some clarity.

[Bessie]

no, I'm a birthmum and I would love to spend some time with the son I gave up 17 years ago - it would be a privilege for me, don't be down hearted, but I don't think you should put up with bad behaviour

[BrockBaby]

zxczxcasdasd....I had to copy and paste that..lol...your post was beautiful, and I need to reread it about five times to glean all that you gave me. I have to run now, but I'll be back later.

Thanks!!!!!

[dpen6]

oh, so she does have some personality issues that are huge , that have nothing to do with ms.

Wow, she is really young to be living that kind of a life style. How sad!

I think maybe if you take into account her personality problems and realize she is probaby NOT going to be able to give you want you need and proceed with that it may help you set the boundries that everyone esle is mentioning. It sounds like she has no ability to help herself let alone anyone else.

[lovemy6]

First of all, you don't OWE anyone anything!

Secondly, there are kids who were raised by their biological parents that don't have relationships with them bc their parents are so screwed up. Just bc you found her doesn't mean you have to continue to be abused by her.

Third, I think some of us who aren't raised by our bios sometimes create this fantasy parent we'll have once we're reunited. Too often there's a good reason our parents didn't raise us. Sometimes we're better off that we weren't raised by them. Sad but true.

I hope you can come to some sort of understanding with yourself that you either have to accept her the way she is, bc she's NOT going to change, or walk away and not look back. Either choice is a hard one to live with.

Good luck to you!

[Jo Ellen]

Brock,

I have been reading this post and the way your bmom is treating you and talking to you is so wrong. I am sorry to hear she is doing this to you. You deserve so much more. My prayers are with you. ((((((((((( Brock ))))))))))

[shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by lovemy6

First of all, you don't OWE anyone anything!

Secondly, there are kids who were raised by their biological parents that don't have relationships with them bc their parents are so screwed up. Just bc you found her doesn't mean you have to continue to be abused by her.

Third, I think some of us who aren't raised by our bios sometimes create this fantasy parent we'll have once we're reunited. Too often there's a good reason our parents didn't raise us. Sometimes we're better off that we weren't raised by them. Sad but true.

I hope you can come to some sort of understanding with yourself that you either have to accept her the way she is, bc she's NOT going to change, or walk away and not look back. Either choice is a hard one to live with.

Good luck to you!

and either choice is O.K. It's called self preservation when you walk away or set boundaries to protect yourself. Being angry about the way she treats you does not make you an angry adoptee. It makes you a human being with feelings. Stop second guessing yourself. You have been as understanding as anyone can be. It isn't you. Take care of yourself and let God take care of your Bmom. She is an adult and makes her own choices in how she chooses to act. She is responsible for those choices. You are responsible for yours. Like Jackie is always saying, you can love her from afar?

You have gotten a lot of great advice here. I know you will do the right thing whatever you choose to do. Big hugs girl.

[proudmum]

I am so sorry that you are going through this... manipulative people are very hard to deal with.
In the end do what is best for YOU,,, honestly it sounds like you have really tried to make things work , i dont think you should let anyone treat you this way or make you feel bad no matter who they are,,,
I wish you all the peace and best wishes in the world.
Proudmum

[sammyhas3]

Knows you will be ok ...........Its hard but you are the BIG DOG that will end up with a BIGGER BITE
LOVE YA