[msng71384]

I desperately need help. My adopted son and I found each other on this site back in September 2007 but havent met each other in person yet. (he's not ready ) We write emails to each other a few times a month. In his last email, he asked me about his birth father - which to this point I haven't even talked about. I was 16 when I gave birth to him, and his birth father left me when we found out I was pregnant. However, 4 years later, we found each other again and fell back in love and got married. (birth father had two children already at that point and I had another son) We lived together only a year and a half before he started cheating on me and I found out he was doing drugs. I left him but we saw each other on and off for the next few years (living separate) but I just couldn't bring myself to divorce him as I truly did love him. But, he was on drugs bad and would go on binges and come back and cry his eyes out that he would change, etc. I finally divorced him in 1996. I heard that right after our divorce, he married a 20 year old stripper. He ended up in prison for a few years and I hear he's out. (and had 2 more children) How do I tell my adopted son that his father is a druggie and loser? I honestly don't want him to find his birth father as I don't believe it would be a good thing. He (the birth father) and his wife and family would (if they want anything to do with him) bash me -- I know for a fact they would. They are not good people and I dont want that for my son. I heard my ex has 'cleaned up' but I don't believe it.
What do I tell my adopted son? I dont want to hurt him but he wants to know about his birth father.

[Stormster]

Hi. I am in AP in an OA with substance abusers. I've had to set up clear boundaries in order to make this work but feel DS has the right to know them. I also worry he will be hurt when he hears some of the things they have done in the past but I accept that addiction is an illness and will help DS to see that too. Your son is an adult and deserves to know who his bio Father is. It might hurt him to know what kind of guy he is but if I were you I'd give him the info and then stay out of it. You and this man are two separate people and you don't have to explain why you loved him once. Enjoy getting to know your son again and give him the information he seeks. He probably asked because he's ready to know.

I wish you a wonderful relationship with your son moving forward!

[Jo Ellen]

I am an adoptee reunited with my birth parents and they are married and have been 40 years. I was thrilled but in shock when I found my birth mother and found out they have been together all this time. I am sure what you are going through finding the right thing to say to your son must be so difficult but since he is asking about his birth father I would suggest telling him the truth. What I have found in my relationship with my bmom and bdad is that honesty is best even when it hurts. We have been reunited 2 1/2 years and I believe that the amount of time we spend together....every few months plus weekly phone calls.... sharing the truth about things has helped us the most. It hasn't been easy or come quickly but with time we are working through the things that are difficult to talk about. I also think sometimes the bdads are forgotten and think it is wonderful that your son wants to know about his. Just remember too every situation is different and you have to do what is best for you and your son.

[EZ2Luv]

I know this may be difficult for you as you have had suck a rocky relationship with bfather stemming from his substance abuse, but PLEASE be honest with you son and try not to taint bfather as a monster. We adoptees have a right to know who our bparents are. You don't have to go into elaborate details, try and just give facts. I don't know how long you have been away from bfather, but people do change. What good wold it do to tell bson all bad stuff and he finds bfather is changed?

EZ

[Dickons]

Some addictions are compounded by our genetics, this is fact. Your son may face addiction in his life and to know his father suffers from it may be enough information to stop any potential addictions from happening.

Genetics are key to who we are. Myself, I have lots of proof that your genes play a big part in who you are. Example of a small genetic issue...I have always worried excessively about everything, thought I just needed to get over it, no one else in my family worried like I did. Now that I know my birth mothers side of my family, I know it is a trait and I can stop beating myself up for not being able to conquer it, rather I can focus on making it less of a problem.

Got to tell him...it could be in his future.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[bprice215]

Right wrong or indifferent your son has the right to make up his own mind about you and his birth father, to deprive him of this will only make him lose faith in you as his birth mother. The birth father has the right to say what ever he may say about the situation, right wrong or indifferent. Your son can decide what he chooses to believe. Anything less would be a lie, please don't go down that road. Best of luck to you.
A reunited birth father...bprice215

[msng71384]

Thank you, everyone, so much. I truly appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. I know it's the right thing to do to tell him about his birth father. I never thought about the genetics part. And I will NOT bash him in any way and will be as brief and honest as I can be. My son seems like a very intelligent young man (just turned 24) so I know that he will be smart enough to decide what to do with the information I give him about his birth father. His father is a huge manipulator and BS artist but can be a nice person. Believe me, I still love that man for some reason and our son is a bond that we will always have together. I just don't want my son hurt by this man (or his family) the way that I was.

I have told my son from the beginning that I want us both to be honest with each other. This was just going to be one of the hard parts.

[dpen6]

I agree with every one else. just give him the facts of what happened with no judgment he will come to his own conclusions.

[Stormster]

MS I agree you should tell him with your "poker face" on.

[bethy724]

I am an adoptive parent to a child whose father is serving life for capital murder & dread the day he asks any info on his birth parents. I believe in the truth (age appropriate) Drugs are an addiction & genetic - it is what it is-it's wonderful that you & his dad have had a love for each other that resulted in him-my son is not as fortunate. I think you can tell the truth w/ out judgement - if you've been disappointed that's acceptable too. I'd give an adult the benefit of the doubt. My son will know his bio parents love him & just couldnt' care for him they way they wanted him to be cared for (it's the truth) I'm sure his bio dad loves him (& you) but can't overcome his sickness at this time.

Good luck & keep us posted.

[msng71384]

I wanted to send a quick update. I sent the email to my son on Friday July 25. I was honest and open and did not in any way bash his birth father. I have not heard back from him yet. He sometimes takes weeks to write so 2 weeks isnt really out of the norm. But I did ask him to email me when he could just to let me know how he is with it all. I told him I care about him and his feelings and am here to listen -- even if it's negative. I want him to be honest with me.
Thanks again for all the advice. I am so glad that I found this site -- MAINLY because it helped me find my son and second, to have people like ya'll to talk to about this!! Friends and family don't truly understand.