[Janeytwo]

Hey Cindy,

I look now and it is like I was sleep walking through life.

That is exactly how I was. Doing the zombie dance; don't think, don't feel, just clean the house, bake, go to work, pay bills, be respectable; that last the ultimate goal. And life and happiness? Those were backburner issues.

How am I today? Not so good. I started out strong and then sort of dived into a despair. It came over me at work. There were two kids; a sister and brother running around playing Spiderman or something like that. It was just your everyday scene and a bit of that viscious grief I've been letting in lately a bit at a time so that I can let it bleed out, well that overcame me and I had to shut the office door and sit behind it, my fist clenched up to my mouth to bite back the tears.

On the way home though I let the tears out. Now I'm in that quiet space my husband has come to know so well.

But I suppose it will be like this for a time. Strong days, weaker days..........all human days.

Hugs to you!

Janey

[Jackiejdajda]

Denisesmom

I never thought I had the right to any info. I was the bad girl and this was the consequense of my actions.

And there lies the rub.. others telling us how we feel.. how we need to act.. because we broke their rules..

I sadly realized the other day that throughout my life I have avoided forming any real solid bonds with any one. I used to think "good thing" because I have lost everyone I held dear. Now I wonder if some how I was sending out vibes that said I don't care if you leave and of course as we know we usually get what we fear most.

I have a real hard time getting close to people.. real time..
I do not want their judgment.. I do not want their ‘rules’..
I worry that I can not set a good enough boundary with them..

On line I can.. I can open up totally..

Even though I thought I was loving my other kids I wonder if somehow even though they could not have guessed that was part of what they felt from me. I know I froze when I had to leave Denise in the hospital and knew I would never have her in my life. I think maybe at that young age I may have said "screw it I won't ever let any one else close to me and I will never hurt like this again".

That is so unhealthy emotionally.. when you stand back and look at it..
I did the same thing.. I had my son.. he was a phantom and I did not have the courage to go against the rule and see him.. Yell and scream till they allowed me to see him.. Noo.. I obeyed.. I was guilty as charged..

So wrong..

Only those of us who have had to go through this most terrible loss could ever understand. I bet it is true because I have to be honest I have very few people in my life and if they left tomorrwo I would be fine.

I can handle any emotional loss.. there is a part in me that is broken.. totally broken..

And this is why I understand when a woman says no contact and shuts the door..
Why feel feelings? Why go into that?

I think as each of the people who I loved left me I got harder and harder. I can go longer and longer without giving them a nudge to see if they care, which they don't. I know it takes a lot of energy to keep this wall up but I can not imagine what would have happened if I had not be strong, hard, I would have been in the psych hospital.

I remember one day telling a friend that I was going to check into the local hospital for folks who need help mentally..
The friend said they would not take you.. you are functioning..

You are just fine..

Ha..

I started doing therapy and one time (this when I had decided to divorce my hubby did not happen) a woman said to me after I told her about the relinquishment etc.. she said.. “You are one of the ones that can cope.. you fly under the radar”..
And she told me she could not take me on as I had too many issues.. jeez..

So now I am totally alone.

I fought for my emotions.. fought for them.. I remembered.. I shared about what happened in meetings.. Alanon meetings.. I wrote down my life in five year increments.. I grieved over what happened.. I journaled.. I went for ‘dates’ with myself.. back to the place where I got hurt..

Another quote.. This is the one that got me to finally finally get into myself.. as I know I had abandoned myself.. finally got it..

From.. Pictures Of A Childhood.. page 23
Alice Miller


It is therefore understandable that most people, of
my generation are never able to free themselves of
the compulsion to defend and protect their parents.

Probably I, too, would have remained trapped by
this compulsion and, because it is so all-pervasive,
would not even have recognized it as such, had I not
come in contact with the child within me, who
appeared so late in my life, wanting to tell me her
secret.
She approached very hesitantly, speaking to me
in an inarticulate way, but she took me by the hand
and led me into territory I had been avoiding all
my life because it frightened me. Yet I had to go
there, I could not keep on turning my back, for
it was my territory, my very own. It was the place
I had attempted to forget so many years ago, the
same place where I had abandoned the child I once
was. There she had to stay, alone with her
knowledge, waiting until someone would come at
last to listen to her and believe her. Now I was
standing at an open door, ill prepared, filled with
all an adult's fear of the darkness and menace of
the past, but I could not bring myself to close
the door and leave the child alone again until my
death. Instead, I made a decision that was to
change my life profoundly: to let the child lead
me, to put my trust in this nearly autistic being
who had survived the isolation of decades.


Alice Miller.. her books.. whew..

I have tried to reach out to my other kids and each time I am rebuffed I feel myself getting harder and harder. Partly protective but I honestly hate it. I know it all started with Denise. That was a wound that has been the basis for every decision I have ever made. I know that now. Has any one else had that experience????

I have had this experience.. hence the rose..
And my ‘stuff’ started when I gave my son up and did not speak of him.. did not grieve the terrible loss.. and had to stomach the shame involved..
The judgment.. the condemnation..

There is a way out of this..

EZlove.. thanks for the compliment.. I feel I say/write too much at times..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Janeytwo

On the way home though I let the tears out.

From the Alice Miller quote (post above)

She approached very hesitantly, speaking to me
in an inarticulate way, but she took me by the hand
and led me into territory I had been avoiding all
my life because it frightened me. Yet I had to go
there, I could not keep on turning my back, for
it was my territory, my very own..

I love those words.. just love them..
And I did abandon me.. and when John Bradshaw quoted Alice Miller in one of his books.. I learned so much..
In the book I am quoting.. Alice Miller does a series of watercolors.. she wrote that after she did those very personal watercolors she started writing books.. and her books are amazing..
My point.. Bradshaw wrote about how we need to have conversations with ourselves.. our little kid in us..
There is even an illustration in one of his books.. an image..

One of my breakthroughs was with the part of me that was very angry that I had let him go.. and frightened..
I told me.. that I would not do that again.. (twelve steps and amends) I would not abandon me again..

I made a promise..

Jackie

[Denisesmom]

Ladies
Yesterday I emailed the woman who was spearheading this "reunion". I had been asked by my daughter to sign some papers so she could get the original birth certificate. So I did, of course, got it notarized sent it in. Well as you know we have no relationship so I have not heard from her in six weeks. So I decide to get the birth certif for my geneolgy records. I email asking "this woman" for a copy and this is what I get back
Cindy,
Most birth mothers I have worked with ask their birth son or daughter to make a copy of the birth certificate for the birth mother. I do not know how your relationship with your birth daughter is progressing, so do not know whether that may be an option for you. If it is not an option, I would suggest you talk with the Illinois Adoption Registry and Medical Information Exchange to see if you may receive a copy of the birth certificate. You may contact them at (217)557-5159.

Please let me know if you have any questions.
Becca


Now I am hot!!! How dare her. I figure she won't help me any way and at 61 what do I have to lose so this is what I sent her:
Becca

This is just another example of the birth mothers having no rights!!! Again I am told that I have no right to my child or her info. Patted on the head and told to just go away, quietly, you will get over this. I have once again been used for another's gain. I asked for a copy of MY daughters birth certificate. I was a active participate in this event you know.
When people wanted something from me, info, a signature etc I was treated soo nice but now I ask for something that I am at the very least entitled to and I get rebuffed.
My life has been turned upside down by you and your agency and it stinks.
How dare you be so insensitive and dismissive.("Most birth mothers I have worked with ask their birth son or daughter to make a copy of the birth certificate for the birth mother") Who the hell do you think you are? You are a blemish on our profession. I don't know how much experience you have, but God help us if you are ever actually able to practice. You don't have a clue. Shame on you. How dare you!!!!! You know better than I that we have no relationship. Unless of course should she ever want something that I have such as information, then I will be okay to contact.
I want a copy of that document and I am not begging you, the frigging state of Illinois OR Denise for a **** thing. I suspect that you are the gate keeper and the very least you can do is get me a copy. Believe me I will never bother you again. Just get me that piece of paper.
Okay I aM reading it now and I don't sound very stable, or like a lady, but what the H____. Truly what the H---- is going on!!!! I feel nuts!!!!! I know I tell my clients anger is good but this is crazy.... How do I get the doc????? Has anyone else gone through this???? BTW I am okay with the anger as long as I don't stroke out......

[Denisesmom]

I need input....Sorry I knwo I am always asking but I need to ask again.
Sunday she called.... I missed the call but you know I have put a moritorium on the emailing back and forth and have insisted on calls and she finally did.
Heres the thing. While she invited me to call back, with caveats, she will be busy may not answer, I haven't called back. It wasn't long ago I would have been on the phone immediately but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and call. What is wrong with me. I wonder to myself maybe I just really don't want contact. I am so good at avoiding. It is kinda like getting burned and then being afraid to get burned again. I feel like I have learned that fateful lesson, what it feels like to be toyed with by my daughter and I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe it is self preservation. I know I sound nuts and maybe I am, and I know I will call but I am just not ready. I am not playing games I just think I do not have the strength right now to deal with her, us. Am I nuts????
Janey honey I know what you are saying. That is where I was before I went on vacation. Sometimes I think we need to allow ourselves to take a break. Are you okay??
Jackie thanks for the input... never too much. Ifeel like this is the only place I can really be myself.

[Jackiejdajda]

Anger..

Anger points the way.. I believe you have a right to your anger and I also believe it is healthy..

Anger is meant to be acted upon not acted out.. and I bet that woman at the agency depends on the rules.. I know when I called the agency I got rules..

You have had some real hard things happen to you.. things I understand.. and like you I went through the relinquishment in a fog..

If you stand back and really look at this maybe you will see you are asserting yourself..

Jackie