[Kelly/Adriana]

I am going through the same situation...I am refusing to speak with my Bmother unless I need info...I originally wanted to find her...and pursue a relationship, but once I met her...that all changed. I was, and still am, very disappointed by her. I wasn't expecting greatness, but I have had to work extra hard in life...due to her "decision" to be irresponsible, and ultimately, have me taken away. She will never know the heartache and disappointment she has caused. My point here is...you have to see things from her point of view as well. I never went into things being angry...but I came out of it all, being that way. Your daughter has gone through a lot, and has done this all without you in her life...

[Jackiejdajda]

Kelly/Adriana

My point here is...you have to see things from her point of view as well. I never went into things being angry...but I came out of it all, being that way. Your daughter has gone through a lot, and has done this all without you in her life...

I just posted today

We do the very best we can.. and we try and work on what has happened to us and love ourselves and heal ourselves..

I had such a hard time when I first went into reunion with my bson.. He spent lots of times not communicating.. and I just gave up as I wrote earlier in this thread..

I think we all need to understand that the other might be going through something.. and its best we back off for a bit.. and get into better emotional shape..
And for a birthmom its about grief coming up when its least expected.. grief and things not happening the way we want it to happen..
And maybe not able to appear the way we want to appear..

Jackie

[Denisesmom]

I so understand what you are saying about forgetting stuff. I remembered yesterday that there had been a whole chunk of time that I had on a conscious level forgotten about Denise, but I did not know that was her name at the time. I remembered that after I had been divorced my old friend said to me "do you ever think about the baby you gave away?" I was shocked back to reality at that moment and realized OMG I haven't even consciously allowed myself to think about her. I had gone on with my life, had three kids a husband gone back to school and do not remember even bringing the child into my mind. That is why I am sure I did not tell my kids about the child until 1998. I had just willed that it had never happened and walla it was gone. I don't know if I have said it here but it is amzing to me how our minds help us stay safe. From the time that my friend asked me that I began remembering I had indeed had a child that was taken from me. OMG how could I have lived without that thought for so very long. What was wrong with me. I also tried to tell myself that it was okay that I had gone on....the child was fine, after all that is what they all said and any way once I gave her up she was no longer mine. Just gone!!!!
So now I wish I could remember everything but I can't. I do not remember giving birth. I remember my mothers friend driving me to the hospital and it was at that time, that moment, I checked out. I do not remember a thing after that. I remembered also the other day that they did not give me an epesiodomy, spelling is probably wrong, they let me tear and tear I did. I could not go to the bathroom for days because of the pain. I truly think it was their way of punishing me and giving me somehting to remember so I wouldn't do that again. But I remember nothinbg more, oh yeah I do remember being put on the surgical floor. I think I ask my mother why and she said to "protect me from the pain of hearig baby's cry" BS. I never got to see my baby, know the sex or hold my own child. That was terrible ya know. How could they do that to me, or any one.
I am dealing with a lot of anger towards my parents, especially my mom who hated me for what I had done to my family. She was a woman, how could she do that to me, her child.
I want to write to Denise but I don't know if it is better to just keep my distance or try to flush her out of the weeds so to speak. I also don't know if she has gotten in touch with my other children and her father. They all hate me. BTW Janey I wanted to tell you I have now lost a total of four children. You say you lost two, God love you.
Don't we all deserve a special place in heaven for what we have endured? It is a pain that will never go away. I was looking at Denises pic the other night and found myself so angry at her adopted parents I could have screamed. She had a good shot though they were evidently rich and she got everything she ever wanted, EXCEPT THE TRUTH ABOUT HER LIFE!!! But she is well off now as she was the only child and they truly did have money. I wonder how she would have felt to be brought up by a young poor child and not had any of the chances she has had. I said once to her if I had known there was a waiting period and that she wasn't just adopted at that moment that she would have stayed with me. When I said it I remember wondering if she though, oh crap I am glad she didn't know!!!! Oh well. Do you think I should email her. I so love her and I have never told her that because I did not want to put her in a position to feel bad she doesn't love me, any btw I am sure she doesn't. But I want to say "I am your mother and I love you always" would that be too much? Thanks for the support.
Janey I am right there with you. I pray that you are able to find your children. Hang in there and know, although I just met you I care deeply for you. Cindy

[Janeytwo]

Hi,

I wasn't sure whether or not to answer this as I've never spoken with an adopted person before (well...on this forum at any rate) and since I am new I was a bit worried about hurting you or others, or myself quite frankly.

But I wanted to respond (with respect)

I originally wanted to find her...and pursue a relationship, but once I met her...that all changed. I was, and still am, very disappointed by her.

Hmmm...this is a tough one. All sorts of heartbreaking scenarious cross my pscyhe as to what you discovered. Because of what I have witnessed in this life, the word addiction comes flying up at me. But that is my issue and probably not even near the mark.

I would offer that there are many pitfalls to being human. It doesn't really matter if we are birthmothers or Nobel Laureates or shoe salesman, what have you. All people fall by the wayside in some fashion. For some that fall is long and ugly and it causes pain for all concerned.


I imagine though that if a person has an image set in their mind that it can be a shock when that image isn't portrayed in reality.

This is a thing I have watched quietly from the sidelines in the short time I've been here. Expectations on all corners. They are always so high aren't they? We paint this wonderful picture and, of course, reality refuses to honor those colors. It does what it likes and we are left to try and figure out why and what our place in the scheme of things is. This is the singular difficult task I believe.

Your daughter has gone through a lot, and has done this all without you in her life

Compassion your way. I cannot walk in your shoes of course. But it sounds as if from what I'm hearing that you've suffered in your life....suffered at the hands of others perhaps? It is so very difficult to sort that out. Often times I have found myself transferring onto others what belongs somewhere else. (Not meant toward you.)

Anyway, I am hoping you will find the peace you seek and that the road will be well-lit for you as you walk along.

Sincerely,

Janey

[Janeytwo]

Hey Cindy,

I was shocked back to reality at that moment and realized OMG I haven't even consciously allowed myself to think about her.

This is what I meant about PTSD. I would say it's not really a conscious decision to forget. It's a survival mechanism, set into place by the brain. The brain realizes that it cannot tolerate the emotioinal pain it is in and wipes the slate so to speak.

I guess I should share at this point that while I am well now (at least I think I am) I was twice admitted into a private mental hospital which I disclose with great trepidation. No one is more misunderstood or feared (in my experience at any rate) than the mentally ill. We are lumped together as "basket weaving loonies".

Laughing...someone once called me that. I replied that "Yes, I'm crazy and I have the papers to prove it!") I have used the term ever since with much pride. Basket weaving looney. I should start a society with that as it's name. Only I'm afraid I'd come home to find a Longenberger party going on at my house! (No offense to Longenberger lovers - truly) :-)

Anyhoo...sorry rambling. But I guess I'm saying that maybe you should be kinder to yourself. Not take it upon yourself as deliberate that you blacked out. You are right. It is amazing how the mind protects itself. In my case I came to appreciate that fact. I shudder to think who I might've been without that capability.

BTW, not everyone has this ability. Which is why drug addiction and suicide are so prevelant in society.

after all that is what they all said and any way once I gave her up she was no longer mine. Just gone!!!!

This I understand so well. I did this. The "I have no right to see or know" thing. I am still doing it of course but I'm fighting it with every ounce of whatever in me. I am sick of the silence. Sick of the shame.

So now I wish I could remember everything but I can't.

Things will come as they're meant to. Like a wise person in here often says. "Trust the process".

oh yeah I do remember being put on the surgical floor. I think I ask my mother why and she said to "protect me from the pain of hearig baby's cry" BS. I never got to see my baby, know the sex or hold my own child. That was terrible ya know.

I can only imagine. I think it is Kubler-Ross (don't quote me though) who has said that parents whose children die have a better time accepting it if they are allowed to say goodbye, hold their children, touch them. When I was a secretary I once did work for the Coroner's office. They had made a new standard rule that people, instead of viewing their loved ones bodies there in the morgue proper, would now view them via television. I remember thinking, especially with GSW's "But how can a person grieve if that's the case? How can they see the finality of it?" I have often thought we sanitize things like that out of misguided compassion. The road to hell and all that.

Don't we all deserve a special place in heaven for what we have endured?

I think for myself I deserve the truth with all the nasty barbed hooks that come with it. Otherwise, I cannot face myself, embrace who I am. I don't know really what heaven is but hell is not knowing myself. That's just my opinion though.

Do you think I should email her.

Much hugs here. I would say that you are in tremendous pain and that you should continue to seek support so that you will know the answer to that question when you're ready. And you can get stronger and be at peace with yourself. That is most important.

In the meantime, don't forget there are good people here with such wisdom!

And me too. I'm hanging out! Trying to get my head on straight! We'll see.

Janey, President
Basket Weaving Loonies of America, Inc.

PS Thanks so much for the kudos on my search. It means a lot to me.

[Denisesmom]

"I am going through the same situation...I am refusing to speak with my Bmother unless I need info...I originally wanted to find her...and pursue a relationship, but once I met her...that all changed. I was, and still am, very disappointed by her. I wasn't expecting greatness"

Hi there I wish I knew how to work that darn quote thing but I have put part of you comment in quotations. Thank you so much for the comments. Your opinion means a lot to me. I am so sorry for both you and your mom. Granted I do not know her, I do not know how she has responded to you and I do not know what you expected to find, or for that matter what you thought you found. I can only speak for myself. As a young girl who was forced to give away a child she loved very much I can only tell you that it was the hardest most painful thing I ever did. I did not realize until I was found by my daughter how that one single event shaped my entire life (and not for the better). I don't know your mom maybe she didn't care, maybe her life is a terrible mess, maybe she is not respectful but it sounds to me that you may be going through what a lot of people go through, adopted or not, when they have to face the fact that their parents are not Gods and that alas they are only human. I don't know if you are a mom but I wonder if for one minute you can imagine that when you had your child someone told you you had no choice and they were going to take that child and you were never to contact the child ever. There was and maybe still is a time when many of us went through that exact scienario. I don't know your mom but I can only speak from a moms perspective and ask you if it is possible for you to give her a break. Losing a child is a scar that permeates a persons very soul. And please please do not think I am minimizing what you have gone through. I am not. I can not imagine how it must have felt when you found out you were adopted. I don't know how old you were, how you were raised, if your life was acceptable. But honestly I bet your mom worried about you and wished that she knew if you were okay and if she had done the right thing. I am so sorry you are so angry. It makes me so sad not just for you but for how what ever you have lived through has impacted your life. I was so scared that my daughter would hate me and not be able to understand what I had gone through. I was scared she would think I just went out and partied, got preg and threw her away. And maybe she does but that is not the reality.Having her taken from me was the worst thing I or any one here can go through. How I would love to put my arms around her and tell her how I missed and love her.
I don't want to sound preachy but honestly when/if you find it in your heart to forgive her and accept her for who she is you will be much more peaceful. That I know for sure. I also know that life is short and to waste precious time when the past can't be changed is also very sad. Think about what I have said. Maybe something will be useful. I hope so. Hang in there. Denisesmom \/ my attempt at a peace sign

[Denisesmom]

Janey
So good to hear from you. Sorry I haven't been around in a while took a week off and went to a friends house for a much needed break both from work and the reality of life.
Thanks for the kind words. You really help me. I have not heard from Denise and I have not been able to bring myself to email her. It just doesn't feel right I can't explain it. I think I am afraid she will not answer or blast me. I think about it and then can't do it. I love her but I just don't feel like begging her to love me, if that makes any sense. She may never and I know I can't make her. It still makes me so sad, and mad. I had been going through a really angry time before I took the week off. I thought I would stroke out I was so angry. I couldn't believe how I had lost my true self in all the fear, anger and profound saddiness.
Tell me how you are.
Tks again...Cindy

[Jackiejdajda]

I don't remember parts of the hospital.. and I did not get to hold my son.. they at least told me he was a boy..

And I also forgot.. and did not think of him.. it was what I was told to do..

Jackie

[Denisesmom]

I never thought I had the right to any info. I was the bad girl and this was the consequense of my actions.
I sadly realized the other day that throughout my life I have avoided forming any real solid bonds with any one. I used to think "good thing" because I have lost everyone I held dear. Now I wonder if some how I was sending out vibes that said I don't care if you leave and of course as we know we usually get what we fear most. Even though I thought I was loving my other kids I wonder if somehow even though they could not have guessed that was part of what they felt from me. I know I froze when I had to leave Denise in the hospital and knew I would never have her in my life. I think maybe at that young age I may have said "screw it I won't ever let any one else close to me and I will never hurt like this again". Only those of us who have had to go through this most terrible loss could ever understand. I bet it is true because I have to be honest I have very few people in my life and if they left tomorrwo I would be fine. I think as each of the people who I loved left me I got harder and harder. I can go longer and longer without giving them a nudge to see if they care, which they don't. I know it takes a lot of energy to keep this wall up but I can not imagine what would have happened if I had not be strong, hard, I would have been in the psych hospital. So now I am totally alone. I have tried to reach out to my other kids and each time I am rebuffed I feel myself getting harder and harder. Partly protective but I honestly hate it. I know it all started with Denise. That was a wound that has been the basis for every decision I have ever made. I know that now. Has any one else had that experience????

[Janeytwo]

Hey Cindy! :-)

I couldn't believe how I had lost my true self in all the fear, anger and profound saddiness.

Or maybe you are finding your true self? (said with love and respect).

For me....so hard sometimes to understand how convoluted this journey is. All the emotions flying to the surface. Yikes!! I liken this to that scene from Castaway where Tom Hanks is in the raft on the storm sea, being tossed about with no land in sight, the hard rain pelting down on him and he's adrift on his way to a new destination. Such a powerful thing!

I have spent most of my life projecting outward; reacting to what is going on in the world around me - instead of the world within me.

Now...learning a new way.....turning inward and saying "how does this make me feel" or "My god, this hurts! Can I really handle this?" The inventory of the self. Never easy and not just because we come across our "icky" parts but because we discover new strengths and good things and these can be just as hard to accept; sometimes harder.

I had written that my reunion with my children is also a reunion with myself and I can feel in my heart that that is so.

Whatever comes of it, I will be the next Janey that I am meant to be, I just have to trust that I will not be perfect in any way. But I will be more human than I was the day before and able to do myself and all 4 of my children better justice by showing them that acceptance of my own soul leads to acceptance of others.

Janey

PS I am glad that you took a vacation! Good for your for caring for you!

[EZ2Luv]

I have not read all the replies yet, but as usually Jackie is on spot. She knows what time it is, as far as reunion and had great advice. Of course her counsel comes from the hard work she has put into her own reunion. There's lots ofpain , tears and acceptance behind her words.

OK enough about Jackie lol. I am an adoptee and can sort of relate to what your bdaughter is going through. For me, the important stuff was medical info and then when I found them I wanted some questions answered. I did not want a relationship but that is easy to say when you don't know who they are. In my case my bmom was already dead and any of her family members lied (on even had me convinced it was a surrogacy). After the novelty of finding them wore off, it was like"mission accomplished". I got the medical info and there really nothing more to say or talk about. Bsibs made it clear they were not interested in a sib relationship (except for one who was a heroin addict and played me for $$$ but that was short lived).
What I am trying to say is sometimes for some adoptee finding is enough. It is sort of like the thrill of the chase and OK so now I know type of thing.

Another thing is even though I knew bfamily all my life(just didn't know they were bfamily) I don't know if I would have turned out so well had I been raised with them. They are/were very disfunctional(I would never tell them but it is pretty obvious) I guess the whole thing for me(I can only speak for myself) is once that curiousty was fufilled and my medical information was obtained that is all I really need. I have no desire to pursue anything more and though I do not think they would ever attempt to begin a relationship, I am don't think I would welcome it.

I was curious as to what kind of relationship bdaughter had with her afamily. I believe that many times this has alot to do with how these reunions go. It was very easy for me to walk away from bfamily because I had and was raised in a stable loving secure relationship with my afamily. At any rate, I am about to read the rest of the replies.

EZ

[Denisesmom]

janey
I you may be right. I really shut down at 16 and I think that maybe it is like we say with A&D, that your maturation stops when addiction begins. I look now and it is like I was sleep walking through life.
How ya doing Janey?
Thanks so much for staying in touch. I love hearing from all the ladies here....Cindy

[Denisesmom]

Thanks for your input. Interesting. My daughter did not find out she was adopted until last october. She was 44 and her adopted family kept the secret to their graves. She said she always thought that she had been adopted but she was always told no.
I know she loved/cared for them I know she was by her account "given everything she ever asked for", probably out of guilt, she was an only child and they could. I also know she HAS to be dealing with intense anger at her adopted par. because of the lies and indeed she has said so. I also know that she is probably letting some of that anger flow onto me, and that she is probably dealing with legitimate anger at me for letting her go although she is well aware I had no choice. Pleae don't get me wrong I don't begrudge her any of her feelings. I am sure she got more than she would have ever gotten, with regard to financial and physical things, than she would have ever gotten with me. I could never have given her what they gave her. And given the mess me and my other kids are going through, a very dysfunctional relationship, partly due to me and partly due to their father, she was probably better off. That being said few of us come from what society terms a "fully functional family". We all have our warts and scars. What she is missing now however is the fact that I am a much different person than she would have known then, and this goes for my other children also, and she is missing having a relationship with a much more emotionally healthy, mature mom. It is to me, as things are today, the biggest shame. Yes I was a young stupid girl, Yes I fought my way through life but now I am so different. I have so much to give and the only person/people who mean anything to me, my children, are missing out on what could really be a wonderful fun, interesting realationship with a person who truly loves them. I think, no I know, that it is sometimes very hard for people to make the transitition, both emotionally and physically, from young child to adult with regard to our parents. Sometimes it is very hard for parents also. But the truth is to waste a relationship with blood is, to me, wasteful, if, and I say this from a place of caring, the relationship is not dangerous (i.e. drugs, abuse ect). Life is so short. I am older and believe me realizing how important the people you love, and those you love, are to your life. Maybe she will never care. I don't know but I can say with all my heart that she is missing out on the most basic relationship, that of a biological mother, not taking anything from adopted parents, and her child. Thanks so much for answering. Hope to hear back from you. Cindy

[Denisesmom]

Jackie
I reread this today. Today I am in a much different place and today what you said hit home with a bang!!!! I have been avoiding writing a email to her even though I have not heard from her, and I could not figure out why. Today I see it. I was being a victim again!!! I am now really thinking about this from a different vantage point. I think, although I do not know for sure, that I will probably follow your lead. Not copying you, just think what you said makes SOOOOO much sense. How can I ever thank you enough???? Even though I know I have grown and become healthier it still amzes me when I have another break through. Thanks again.... Cindy

[jrainbow]

Cindy,
I'm a reunited adoptee, just a little older than your daughter. I feel for the pain that both of you are going thru. Adoption, reunion, lies, and secrecy are all had to live with.

I know it is difficult but maybe you can step back and see her as you would a patient. You said that she is in her mid 40's and was an only child, just found out she was adopted after both parents had died last october, searched and found you very quickly after that, had a f2f with you, rejected by bdad and siblings (currently), ........ OMG - how much can one person deal with in less than 1 year. And, if she has a husband and/or children also, she still has to deal with their needs and wants daily/hourly. In my opinion, the fact that she is putting one foot in front of the other is amazing. I'm glad she is getting counseling.

Just finding out you are adopted as an adult is like the ground shifting. Most of us who always knew we adopted grew up with the ideas of chosen, special, wanted, loved by both bmom and aparents. Many of us know that our afamily is our family and dna doesn't change that. Those who found out later that their parents, whom they loved and trusted, lied to them about the most important thing - their identity - don't have those internal, ingrained dialogues about adoption.
She has to be reeling - just from that.

I know it is very hard and I'm sure that no matter how much I can imagine it hurts, it is even worse than that. This is definitely going to require the patience of Job and lots of time. Peace.