[SilverWitch]

I have a question about communication with our children.

First, you have to understand that I have had a very rough reunion that is, at this moment, at a standstill. I try very hard to communicate and she ignors publically.

First, make that a couple of questions - one for adoptees, one for birthparents.

Birthparents, do you find it hard to communicate when they lie to you about stuff?

Adoptees, do you lie about things for a reason?

The reason I ask is that recently I have found out that my daughter has had many problems with credit, the law, just basic decision making issues of adults and that other people in her community do not trust or believe her. This disturbs me because as much as I want a relationship, I can't have one with someone that can't tell the truth at all. She has lied so often to me, I am not sure what to believe when she talks to me. She says one thing, does another and her amom is the same way - long story on that and not relevant. It is what she learned, I am sure, but she is in the end of her 20's and should know that nothing can be built on lies.

So, for both groups, what do I do? Do I ignore the facts and act like she is telling me the truth or do I accept that we are just not ever going to have a real relationship because of her lies?

Just sign me lost and confused.

[belleinblue1978]

I'm guessing two things: Lying is a learned behaviour and she probably lies because she doesn't want to be rejected.

I tell white lies about things so I that I don't hurt people and I don't like to "look bad". I'm scared of being hurt and rejected. I had a hard time telling my adoptive parents the truth as I got older when things got hard for me because I didn't want them to cut me out of their lives. I've gotten better with age, it is a learning process.

[Jackiejdajda]

You love her no matter what.. I think..

Accept what you can not change.. go into the relationship with all its foibles.. and just accept..

We can not change who they are.. there is no way to turn back the clock..

It is what it is what it is..

Jackie

[RavenSong]

Hi, SilverWitch...

It sounds to me like your daughter may have some type of personality disorder. If this is the case, it may be really hard to develop a healthy relationship with her. Certain personality disorders often cause great distress for the friends and family members of the individual, but rarely for the individual, herself. I know chronic pathological lying is a symptom of several personality disorders.

My son often lies ~ he's very much like my own mother in that regard. In fact, he shares a couple personality traits with her that make me really uncomfortable at times. They usually only come out when he's really angry. My mother's emotional problems caused a great deal of pain and grief for both my brother and myself when we were kids. We've both spent a significant amount of our adult lives trying to heal from the damage. So, it really freaks me out when I see my mother in my son... They both have a cold streak that appears without warning, and it's scary.

When DS was in his late teens and early 20's, I took most things he told me with a grain of salt. He was active in his drug addiction in those years, and as you probably know, drug addicts lie just about everything. It was a difficult time for all of us, each side of the triad. But eventually, he became clean and sober, and the lying stopped (mostly).

You're not going to be able to fix your daughter. That is the one thing I have learned during these past 18 years following my initial reunion with DS. Like Jackie says, she is who she is. They are our children, and we love them no matter what...

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

My mantra....

[SilverWitch]

Raven,

I have accepted this inability to fix her. I just love her and send her my good thoughts whenever possible. I just feel a great deal of sorrow over the whole thing. You see, bi-polar runs in my family and I, until the last five years, did not know it. Drugs, alcohol, and bi-polar made my life miserable as a child. Not that I did them, my father, mother, some of my sisters and brothers all have issues with one thing or the other. I am learning that all of these things can be passed on to children. I did not know and I know she is suffering because of at least one or two of them - not drugs as far as I know. Or at least I hope.

I just ask the Goddess to protect her and show her the way out. I love her more than life, but I know there are limits to what I can do.

Thank you.

[soprano]

SilverWitch,

Your situation sounds so similar to my own. There is bi-polar in my family as well. My birth daughter will often state one thing that changes over time or situations. I have often thought she does it to hurt, or "test" me, but I try to be as supportive as I can. What else can I do--I love her.

Thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I'm not alone.

soprano

[6boysrus]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

You love her no matter what.. I think..

Accept what you can not change.. go into the relationship with all its foibles.. and just accept..

We can not change who they are.. there is no way to turn back the clock..

It is what it is what it is..

Right on the mark Jackie..

[Jackiejdajda]

I love the 'it is what it is what it is'..

Nothing clearer that that!

Jackie

[bprice215]

Who said being a bparent would be easy, and in your case by your daughters behavior it would be that much more difficult. Never give in and never give up, that's what love is all about. You can't change your daughter lies, but are still responsible for this love you're trying to share with her. It's very difficult to say what should be done. I think you on the right track though. Keep up the good work for surely you shall be the bearer of good fruit.
bprice215