[StevieGirl]

Hey all. I'm a 31 year old adoptee in reunion for 3 years with my birthparents. It's been an awesome reunion, especially with my birthmom. She lives far, but I'm able to fly out to see her once a year.

Anyway . . . since the last visit (about 9 months ago) she refers to herself as "bio-mom". That's how she signs her e-mails.

I'm one who reads too far into things, and I don't want to outright ask her about it, because at times I've caught myself being too worried or needy about things. (Like if she didn't e-mail me back, I would be worried I said something wrong.)

Anyway . . . I think it could mean a couple different things:

1. It's a little wall between us. Throw the "bio" in to say, "I just gave birth to you".

2. Because she doesn't want to call herself "mom" to not step on any toes, so she throws "bio" in there for safety.

1 & 2 mean such different things, I just wish I knew the reason behind the name. I shouldn't really worry. We have a great relationship, and often sign our e-mails with "Love You".

On our last visit I made a joke with the title, saying dramatically "The Adventures of Bio-Mom and Bio-Baby".

As I said, I read to far into things . . . . but as birthmothers, what do you think?

[Lilacsandroses]

Assume the best of her intentions until you have reason to doubt!!!!

I'm a birthmom/bio-mom/first mom, whatever makes us both happy. We haven't met yet, and so e-mails are all we have at this point, and yeah, I don't want to step on anybody's toes either, so until she tells me otherwise, I'll stick with those.

Let her know how YOU would like to refer her, or hope she would feel about herself, maybe that would help.

good luck

[InBlindFaith]

My DD and I aren't in reunion yet, but I would probably sign "Love, Roni" until she decided on what she wants to refer to me as. I don't want to cross any lines with her or her a-mom.

So, talk to her about it. Tell her how you would like for her to sign her emails. Maybe she is not wanting to cross any lines either. She might be a little relieved in knowing it doesn't have to be "Bio-Mom".

[dmca]

What would LIKE to call your "bio" mother? I think that is important. Have you decided on that yet? Or told her what you would LIKE to call her? Perhaps the two of you could think of something that you BOTH would like?
May I suggest the name NOT be Daddy, lol. Good luck to you BOTH on what you decide together.
dmca

[browneyes0707]

I agree with eveyone here so far. If I were to refer to myself, I would definitely be cautious of stepping on anyones toes, and I'd include "bio" or "first" , but I would want my DD to call me by my first name when the time comes that we start to establish a relationship. I would maybe use this an a jumping off point to ask her if that's what she prefers or if she's just saying that to make you comfortable. I know how you feel I read into EVERYTHING and usually the truth is not as "bad" as I make it out to be!! It sounds like you have a positive relationship, and that's great!!! I'll bet if youget it out in the open, you'll feel a lot better.

Good luck!!

[josh1788smom]

I have told my son I hope we can be friends and usually sign Erikka when I write things to him. As I think he and I have met and are not necessarily "in reunion", I think that is all I can expect. I would love it if he wanted more from me, but I do not gather at this point in the game that he does. That was a hard pill for me to swallow, but I seem to swallow a lot more than I'd like to. I want it all with him but on his terms. So I guess, I would take as much as I can get from him.

[Pinakitha]

Well.... I think it is quite hard for a bmom to know what to call herself because she doesn't know what YOU would like to call her.

Personally I don't like "bio-mom" because it reminds me of a washing powder. I also don't like "birthmother" because I feel it makes me sound like a baby breeder/breeding machine, devoid of any feelings or humanity.

Meanwhile, I realised that my child might think that his amother is his only "Mom", so I didn't think it appropriate to call myself that either, in case that made him angry (it does seem to make some adoptees angry if bmoms do this).

In the end, I went for my first name. I figured that we might never be able to have a proper mom/son relationship because of all those 'shared years and experiences' that we had both missed. I thought that he might see me more as a kind of 'aunt' or an older female friend and feel more comfortable with calling me by my first name. So that is what I went for.

BUT your bmom might have been told that this is the right way to call herself. She might think she is being respectful to your amom by not trying to take her place. She might also think she is doing the right thing as far as YOU are concerned (it's not very pleasant to sign off 'your other mom' or 'Mom' and then have the person you still think of as your child tell you that you are not 'Mom').

I don't think she is telling you anything negative. She is probably trying to be respectful to both you and your aparents and not upset anyone in the process.

Obviously, she has - probably totally unintentionally - upset you in the process.

Why not tell her what name you would like to call her - be it Mom, Mother, Mommy, or simply her first name?

Tell her how YOU think of her and how YOU speak about her with other people (my bmom, my biomom, my real mom, my original/first mom, my other mom, etc).

I am sure that she won't be offended. In fact, I am sure she will be relieved to know what to call herself and what makes you feel comfortable.

Why not go ahead and give it a try? I am sure it will make both of you feel better once you have cleared up that misunderstanding.

BTW - never forget 'a rose by any other name would smell as sweet'. In the end, it's only a name; but it IS nice when you have the right name, isn't it?

[zzetta]

I would love to have this problem. I have just found my son but have not made contact yet. I do not want to step on any ones toes. So I am not sure how I would refer to myself. (He could call me anything as long as he called. lol) Anyway, don't "read into" anything. If you see each other once a year and e-mail the rest of the time, I can promise that she doesn't mean anything bad by "bio mom". She loves you so much, she made the ultimate sacriface for you happiness. Find a cute nickname for her based on your time together. It may be the drink she ordered the first time you met (Pepsi)or maybe after the city you were born in. It doesn't matter as long as it means something to both of you. Congratulations on have a good relationship with her.

[kakuehl]

D calls me Kathy and that's how I sign my emails, etc. to him. Personally, I don't mind being referred to as his birthmom, because I am the person who gave birth to him. His amom is the one he calls Mom - she is the woman who raised him and who is legally his mother. I wouldn't mind if he called me Mom (or a variation of the word) but that is his choice. He has a good relationship with his Mom and I don't want to interfere with that. (In my own life, I have referred to my in-laws as Mom and Pop since my marriage. I would be uncomfortable calling them by their first names - I think the other 3 DILs call them by their first names tho)

I suspect that your "bio-mom" is still trying to know where she fits into your life. If you'd like to drop the "bio" or call her something else -Mama or first name - ask her if you may.

[MrsHoot]

As a "birthmother" I have to say I had the same issue - what to call myself. I like others here don't like bio-mom or birthmother...but that is what I am. I fgeel that I have no right to claim "Mom" - my D has parents, she has a Mom and I never want to take that away from her. In the end, when I emailed her I used my first name.

So IMHO she is doing this because she doesn't want to step on any toes...I also happen to agree that she will call herself anything you want her to, I know I would sign off in any way that would make D happy/comfortable.

Huge Congratulations on your reunion - I wish you much joy and happiness!!!

C.

[kharma1130]

I call my b-son Mike and he calls me Linda. He calls his amom "Mom" because that's who she is. I would never try to step over my "bounderies". I'm just glad that he wants me in his life. He can call me anything that makes him comfortable. Maybe your bmom is just not sure what kind of relationship you want to have with her. So she doesn't know how to refer to herself. Just be thankful that she wants to know you. Names are not really that important. Love and compassion make a good relationship, not names. Just go with the flow.......

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by StevieGirl

Hey all. I'm a 31 year old adoptee in reunion for 3 years with my birthparents. It's been an awesome reunion, especially with my birthmom. She lives far, but I'm able to fly out to see her once a year.

Anyway . . . since the last visit (about 9 months ago) she refers to herself as "bio-mom". That's how she signs her e-mails...

On our last visit I made a joke with the title, saying dramatically "The Adventures of Bio-Mom and Bio-Baby".

As I said, I read to far into things . . . . but as birthmothers, what do you think?

It suddenly struck me when I reread your post that you commented that she has signed herself as bio-mom since your last meeting and that you then said, "On our last visit I made a joke with the title, saying dramatically "The Adventures of Bio-Mom and Bio-Baby". Perhaps that's why she's using that signature. Have you tried replying as "bio-baby?"

[Scorpio66]

Steviegirl,
My guess is that she want to make sure that you don't feel like she is trying to replace your amom, so she is letting you know that she sees and respects the differences between amoms and bmoms. Another thought is that being the "Bio-family" is like having your own little club, sort of like having step family or in-laws, only this is blood too. It is a phrase that belongs only to the two of you, which marks your relationship as special and unique. In life, we do not usually have a choice about our family, but to become friends with your parent and or child because you really llike them as friends, that in and of itself is special! The letters that I have sent I have signed "with love in my heart" followed by my first name As a bmom, when I finally do get to meet my daughter, she can call me whatever she is comfortable with.

Scorpio66

[KarenShrader]

As a birthmom who very recently reunited with my son I know how very hard it can be. I know who he thinks of as MOM but I also know that he is still my son and I wish he would call me MOM as well. But I know he has a lot of emotional turmoil going on as I do, all this being new to bothof us. All I can really say is either tell her what you want to call her or ask her what she wants to call you and go from there.
Hope this helps

[susiesgirl]

hi b-moms
as an adoptee, heres my story. I never felt comfy calling my momma sue or susan. To me she is my mother. I call her momma and my amom is mom. SO i have 2 mothers.