[mom2GRLC]

Exactly...thank you!!!

I never siad open adoption is best or closed adoption was best for a child...I said it really depends on the situation, the people involved, how they communicate, how they deal with things. Both can be "GOOD" and both can be "BAD". The question was directed to "what would YOU feel" and that is all I answered...what i would feel. And the argument about whats in the childs best interest is one that always gets on my nerves because "what is best for the child depends on LOTS of things....and will be different from person to person". When it comes to parenting....their aren't many right or wrongs....just Differences in parenting styles. Some people may teach their child to believe in whitchcraft....some may practice vegetarianism, what is right what is wrong? It just depends on the person who is judging it!!! These forums are about OUR feelings, our experiences!!! Will you only accept other opinions if they line up directly with your experiences?

Why is it that everytime this subject is brought up about open contact...and someone doesn't feel open adoption is good they are either not looking at the "facts" not placing the child "first" or that something is "wrong with them" or that their feelings aren't valid because their "experience was a little different".

I'm at a loss for words??? lol which doesn't really happen much on these forums ....for anyone who knows me and my lengthy posts!!!!

[mom2GRLC]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

B4truth, If you stick to your foster to adopt site you will miss so much around these parts So dont leave, everyones opinion counts as long as we own that it is an opinion and own our feelings not trying to pawn them off on anyone else. I appreciate your explaining your thoughts, but its not just you, its many that think open adoption is co-parenting, just wanted to clarify that because it was there. I do fully understand that foster is different that infant adoption.

So stick around we can all learn from each other

Again that IS a matter of opinion...and not a fact!!! It depends on the situation and the boundaries that have been set or broken!!!

[mom2GRLC]

so a persons feeings are only valid if the've walked exactly down the same road as you and if they had a good expereince doing it. Otherwise, how dare anyone scare away people from open adoption when you yourself have had such a good experience with it.

That obviously is not the NORM. if so many people HAVE closed open adoptions. So why is it forced so mcuh on these forums. People deserve to know both sides and to make up their own mind about it....not to feel like another persons feelings or experience isn't valid because they believe differently.

[Mommy24]

mom2grlc says...

Again that IS a matter of opinion...and not a fact!!! It depends on the situation and the boundaries that have been set or broken!!!


How can Open adoption be co-parenting, if the aparent does his/her job and doesnt allow the bparent to parent?? My husband and I co-parent, meaning we both have input on how our children are raised, but my best friend who visits and loves my children greatly doesnt come in and try to "parent" my children and if she did then that would be something we discussed and it would have to stop. So it can only be co-parenting if the afamily allows it to be.

[Mommy24]

I am really hoping to hear more from the adoptees side of the triad as thats what I am interested in, so for all the adoptees out there please post! You deserve to be heard, I for one really want to hear you. So send your friends here to post Know that it is ok to feel however you feel, some people are perfectly fine with closed adoption , thats great but let your voice be heard

[mom2GRLC]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

mom2grlc says...

Again that IS a matter of opinion...and not a fact!!! It depends on the situation and the boundaries that have been set or broken!!!


How can Open adoption be co-parenting, if the aparent does his/her job and doesnt allow the bparent to parent?? My husband and I co-parent, meaning we both have input on how our children are raised, but my best friend who visits and loves my children greatly doesnt come in and try to "parent" my children and if she did then that would be something we discussed and it would have to stop. So it can only be co-parenting if the afamily allows it to be.

I agree...it would be the adoptive family that allows it to happen but not at no fault of the birthparents. It would be both that had made the mistake of either not setting boundaries or crossing them.

I'll leave your thread so you can get some more opinions. The matter of co=parenting can be discussed somewhere else as to not through this thread off topic.

By the way not sure if it makes any difference but...i AM an adoptee depending on how you look at it since my step father took legal custody of me. Sorry if you didn't get the responce you were looking for from my post.

Good luck I hope others feel free to share their experineces even if they aren't great.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

*flaps talky hand*

[Mommy24]

Mom2 I didnt ask you to leave please stay and continue to state your opinion We are learning so much in these threads, I welcome your thoughts we can always agree to disagree I sincerely wanted to hear from more adoptees, we have only heard from a few here and was trying to encourage others to post. We have had alot of "views" and less posts so I know some are lurking and I was encouraging them to feel free to jump in

[mom2GRLC]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

hello&goodbye,

For some one who had such a perfect adoption outcome - you sure have a huge anger issue when it comes to trying to 'defend' your position"

Honestly, it sounds like there might be some unresolved anger issues or something...

Interesting that something must be wrong with her because she feels passionate about her expereince and beliefs??? Is it any wonder why she sounds angry (in your opinion) or that she is so defensive about it?

Because if she is anything like me...she has probably been in many discussions where her expereince, feelings, beliefs have either been dismissed because they don't apply, or they aren't validated or something must be wrong with her....thatt is EXACTLY what you are suggesting to her that soemthign must be wrong with her. How can time after time of her going through this not show she is passionate and set in her beliefs and opinions. Why can one be reprimanded or banned for sharing their experiences just because they are different than the majority on these forums?

Why are you asking her to "own" her feelings when clearly she is speaking for herself and accordign to her experience....yet ohteres all the time make such general statements without including "I" or "in my opinion" why should you even have to say "in my opinion" obviously if you are writing it than it is your opinion.

[mom2GRLC]

thanks Number 1- your so kind, i really appreciate it GOODBYE!!!

[thediva320]

This is a very interesting subject and interesting to see how everyone reacts to one another. Everyone is entitled to their different opinions. And it's times like these that you see how divided the triad can be. When in fact, we should all be unified. What is the single most important about any decision regarding open, closed, semi, etc, is the best interest of the child. Thru reading this thread, very little is being said about the best interest of the child. I also feel the need to say that just because you have an open adoption DOES NOT mean that the bparent comes around whenever they want. Many forget that. Open adoption DOES NOT mean co-parenting or any parenting at all. It is very clear to bparents that they are signing away ANY AND ALL right to parent their child should they choose to place. But writing letters, sending pictures, what's so wrong with that? Maybe setting a once a month or once a year face to face visit? What's the harm in that? There isn't any harm in any of that. As long as boundaries are set from the start. And should an open adoption not work out, for whatever reason.....then let the bparent know why. Or aparent if the bparent can't handle it.
There is nothing easy about adoption, no matter which side of the triad you are on. However I believe that the adoptee get's lost in the battle. In my experience a majority of adoptees still want to search regardless of how great their upbring is. If there was an open adoption, or even semi open, then that cuts the time of searching to almost nil. Mind you, we as adoptees are searching for information that is rightly ours. And are being blocked from it most of the time by the government as well as fearful aparents. (By that I mean we are bombarded with guilt for wanting to search.)
Ultimately, I think that the choice is making an already difficult life, more difficult OR making it easy for an adoptee to search and find bparents.
This is all my opinion though, as an adoptee.

[LegalEagleMom]

In adoption, it seems that no matter how hard we try some is going to have negative feelings.

There isnt a day that doesnt go by that I am not thankful to Jane(Kaitlyn's first mom). We have a semi open adoption(at janes request). She gets updates on Kaitlyn every few months, sometimes its a letter and pics, or a video letter.

We need to remember everyone here, we all have feelings. No matter what side of the triad we are on, there is always going to be someone getting hurt.

I thank God everyday for sending us Jane, who gave us the utimate gift, Kaitlyn. That was the most selfless act that anyone could do for someone.

Kaitlyn has know from the day that she first came into our lives that shes adopted. That is our agency's philosphy, and its a good one. Just because shes adopted doesnt mean that Dh and I dont love her any less. When she starts asking question, what information we have it will be shared with her, and with my help I will help her get the information she wants. And one day I hope that she decides to seek out her birthfamily, every adoptee has the right to know where they came from, after all its part of who they are to become.

[dmca]

What of the birth mothers that don't want an "open adoption"? I honestly don't think I could have stood it, if that were the situation for me.
To proceed in life, I HAD to believe that I had made the right decision, that the professionals chose a good decent family for my daughter.
What I wanted was a "good family" that meant ( to me) a mother, a father , maybe siblings, maybe not, but, definitely parents FOREVER.
I never thought of my daughter as on loan until she turned 18. I thought of her as the daughter of two people that I had never met.Even today, I would NEVER dream of stepping on her mothers toes in any way.
I loved her that much and wanted that for her that much.
I don't know how the birthmothers in open adoptions stand it, I really don't.
Maybe it would be a blessing to say " I know that my child is alive and well". But for me that would have been torture. I swear I would have gone mad.
oh well, just my opinion.
dmca

[healingfeeling]

i dont understand why this thread turned out to be so negative...if i'm partly to blame for that i'm sorry to Mommy24 (the original poster)....

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Maybe it would be a blessing to say " I know that my child is alive and well". But for me that would have been torture. I swear I would have gone mad.

Well... yes, maddening, I think is a bit accurate at times. I think it really depends on which is the worse evil for you. I used to think that I wouldnt be able to handle visits.. now I torture myself over not having them. Not that they were an option. But I really dont think I could handle not knowing. I think that would have been more maddening for me... and this has been bad enough.

It is what you need to cope... you know?