[Amy2U]

Instead of me going through another LOONG post, you can read my thread, "The Strength To Move On" part 1 and 2.

I've been rolling this around in my head for months and want some opinions.

I have my maternal grandfather's phone number. I know where he lives. Mapquest would take me straight to his door.

I've only called him once, but it was anonymously pretending I was an old friend of my bmom and her sister, in order to get their numbers.

I made 61 phone calls and found my grandfather, and that is where it started.

He has no clue that I exist. His wife (my gma) knew because my bmom told her after she placed me for adoption. They kept it a secret.

The only one alive that knows about me is my bmom's sister, my baunt. I am actually going out to see her in July, even with my bmom not being very happy about it.

My bmom wants NOTHING to do with me, and she NEVER wants my grandfather or ANYONE to find out that she had a child. She has 2 ADOPTED children of her own, that she has a very open relationship and communication with their biological relatives in the Ukraine and Romania. In fact, when the children turn 18, they're going back to their countries to meet their biological relatives.

But, she wants NOTHING TO DO WITH HER OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.

I don't even know if my grandfather would be happy, or care that I exist. The one thing is. . . . .I am IDENTICAL, and I'm not exaggerating. . . except for my glass eye, the rest of my face is IDENTICAL, like a CLONE to my grandmother when she was in her 40's. I'm in my 30's and put her right side of her face against my left side, and cropped the pictures and we are IDENTICAL. It's looking at my face complete.

My gma died of cancer in '94 with the secret to the grave of me. It makes me sad that I never got to meed my IDENTICAL twin(through years).

Should I call him, without my bmom's consent? She'd be soooooooo mad. I don't know what can of worms I'd open up.

I'm going to ask my baunt when I go out to see her if it would be okay with HER if I called him. I don't want to lose the ONE relationship I have with blood.

All I have to do is pick up the phone, or even drive to his house.

How would you react if it was your bchild that you want nothing to do with?

[eastendmommy]

Amy, Drive to his house. The minute he sees you, he's going to know you're a relative. Your Bmother has been downright hateful to you...he's your blood relative who just might be absolutely THRILLED to know you. It should be HIS choice. He probably doesn't have a whole lot more time on this Earth...would be a shame to miss out on knowing him for awhile.


You've been struggling with all of this for so long, hon...take a chance with your BGrandpa before it's too late! Good luck, sweetie!

Hugs, Tammi

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by eastendmommy

Amy, Drive to his house. The minute he sees you, he's going to know you're a relative.

Originally Posted by eastendmommy

It should be HIS choice. He probably doesn't have a whole lot more time on this Earth...would be a shame to miss out on knowing him for awhile.


You've been struggling with all of this for so long, hon...take a chance with your BGrandpa before it's too late! Good luck, sweetie!

Hugs, Tammi

Amy...I agree with Tammi. Somethings gotta give here, you've been tormented for too long. I don't understand you're Birth mom's actions. It does sound like she's built up such a huge wall of defense in her heart and mind over many years. I don't know. But if I were in your place I could understand trying to contact other family as well. I'm glad to hear you will be seeing b-aunt this July and hope things will begin to open up for you. Keep us posted
Merrill

[Amy2U]

I'm going to ask my baunt first, because if my bgrandfather gets upset, he'll be upset with her too, for keeping the secret all these years.

I still want LOTS of people's advice, 'cause I"m going to print these off and share them w/ my baunt, and then see what she says.

Attached is the picture of the right side of my grandmother's face and the left side of mine, so you all can see.

[merrill1277]

That is quite a resemblance, Amy. The same smile, too. Are your eyes blue? Hers?

I can understand your wanting to tread carefully due to relationship dynamics in the bfamily, and check with baunt first. Hopefully there will be some progress in July.
Merrill

[Amy2U]

Yes, we both have blue eyes. The pic of her is darker than mine, but even my baunt can't get over the IDENTICAL look.

It's going to be sooooooooooo weird, amazing, awkward when I get off that plane in July and she sees me in person

[Montraviatommyg]

Amy,

You have an ally in your baunt if I remember correctly so it is worth sounding her out. Your bmum's actions have been awful and the only excuse I would make for her is that it's her way off dealing with this. The pic is incredible to see the likeness, thanks for sharing.

Pip

[eastendmommy]

OMG Amy!!! That picture is AMAZING! You are two peas in a pod, hon...your Bgrandfather would take ONE LOOK at you and KNOW who you were! I still say, go by his house and talk with him... it's not like he won't believe you, you are the spitting image of his wife. You have tried to go through the proper channels, and it's not getting you anywhere... A visit in person would concrete who you are to him, and maybe offer you some explanations as to why your Bmom refuses to have anything to do with you. Please keep us posted, hon. You need to have some answers soon...all you've had are questions thus far, and you deserve some answers!


Hugs, Tammi

[Amy2U]

What do you think is the best thing to do? The drive is about 19 hours, a letter, well, my grandfather may die in his chair, or blow up and not call me but get angry with my b/mom, a phone call, he may keel over on the phone and I'd have to call 911, or he'd hang up and say this is a practical joke. . . . . . . . . .

I am going to wait til I see my baunt in July, but I look at my face, the face of my grandmother and me, IDENTICAL and wonder, "He's got to care a little? Right?"

[Benedicta]

Dear Amy,

Oh my , what a dificult decesion you have to make ! I have been following your story and, like Pip, am so glad to see you are posting again !

On the one hand I agree w/ Tammi ('cause that fits w/ whom I am). If it was me, I would get in my car & go meet my g'dad before he died & hope to get a loving/warm response when he sees a version of his wife walk in !
And I would feel since my natural mother was being so mean & rejecting me again that I could not let her control my life & that I would have to do everything that I felt necesary for my well being.

BUT: there is NO way you or anyone else can predict what the outcome will be. It could be disasterous !

So, it really comes down to you deceiding what you need to do for yourself.
How will you feel if your Aunt does not support your need to meet your g'father?
What does your husband advise?
What sense do you get when you pray about it? (I know from your other posts you are a women of faith).

One other thing you might think about is this. Those of us who gave our babies away frequently did so in part because we came from what they now call dysfunctional families. Conflicted families. And it sounds like this might be true for your birth-mother ( sorry ladies that I cannnot come up w/ a better name that comes easily off my lips/fingers).
And if this is the case, is there any reason to think that has improved over the years. And are you prepared to cope w/ the negative fallout if there is any.

With all this said, if it was me , I would probably have to get in my car and show up on his doorstep unannounced - to empower myself.... to remove the control from my bmom or baunt.
But, I would make sure that I had a suppportive network to help me cope if I encountered another painful rejection from my birth family.

God Bless you Amy with His healing touch & His Godly wisdom,

Sincerely...vicky

[Amy2U]

From what my mom and aunt have told me, their dad (my g'dad) was pretty hard nosed when they were growing up, mean, moody, etc. They didn't have a close relationship with him.

Then when my mom and aunt were 18&15, my g'parents decided to move back to my g'ma's province to start a farm. Since my mom had highschool to finish, they left her to be with my aunt and finish school.

But, once their parents left, they partied, my mom only went to the end of grade 11, but she, since then got her G.E.D. as an adult.

When she got pregnant at age 17, in July, she and her sister decided not to tell their parents because they knew their parents didn't have the $ to raise another baby. They both didn't go home for Christmas that December, in order to hide the pregnancy. Then 6 mos. after my mom relinquished me, she told my g'ma, and they decided never to tell my g'pa. My g'ma died Jan. 6, 1994 with breast cancer that spread to her lungs, and she died with the secret.

Now, my mom told me that when she dated her husband, 2 yrs. after she had me, she told him that she didn't want any intimacy because she already got preg. and had a baby but noone knew.

However, when the search agent found my mom in '98, she had to sign a form with a WITNESS, signature stating she agreed to contact. She told me she faked her husband's signature because he wasn't home when she got the form. I'm just wondering if her husband knows at all about me.

I am going to talk to my aunt at the end of my week with her, after we've talked and shared and she gets to know me. I'm hoping that once she sees me in person and experiences having me near her, that she will WANT so bad her dad to know that I exist and she will be behind me to to tell him.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Amy2U

He has no clue that I exist. His wife (my gma) knew because my bmom told her after she placed me for adoption. They kept it a secret

Why are you going to visit him? Is it for revenge?

Is it worth losing (maybe) all contact with your birthmom for the rest of your life?

I know I could not tell my father when I was pregnant (my mother told him).. I know the emotions I had to deal with.. I know how I would feel if I had not told my dad and then found out that my bson had knocked on his door..

I would probably write my bson off.. If this is okay with you then go ahead..

Jackie

[Montraviatommyg]

Jackie has made a good point here. My parents knew about my son and despite connecting with my son I felt quite a bit of anger that he contacted them. I know he did this because he was searching for me but knowing what my parents are like I would have prefered to have to gotten to know him before he met ANY member of my toxic family.

Pip

[kdibattista]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Why are you going to visit him? Is it for revenge?

Is it worth losing (maybe) all contact with your birthmom for the rest of your life?

I know I could not tell my father when I was pregnant (my mother told him).. I know the emotions I had to deal with.. I know how I would feel if I had not told my dad and then found out that my bson had knocked on his door..

I would probably write my bson off.. If this is okay with you then go ahead..

Jackie

Wow.... seriously?

[bmomliz16]

Had to jump in here - Amy I always read your posts, I just never know what to say. Your bmom's attitude shock me and make me ill at the same time. I can't apologize enough. Believe me if you ever needed some kind of surrogate bmom - I would be more than happy to fill the void. How things have gone for you your whole life - well - it's just not right!

With all due respect Pip and Jackie - you guys were pretty open and interested bmoms with a kind heart. Amy got a raw deal on that kind of bmom and has exhausted any other avenue for a biological need that she has.

With the bgrandpa left, I say discuss this with your baunt and then make the decision. As for you bmom, she has left you no other choice.

Wishing you only the best!