[hereifyouneedme]

I am a birthmother to a 17 year old girl. I recently reestablished contact with the amom (long story there). She says she still has the letter that I wrote to my daughter 17 years ago and will give it to her when she is 18. I decided it might be a good idea to write another one because the first was written so long ago and I was so emotional and I don't want that to be the only impression she has of me. Now the problem is that I don't know what to write. Listening to so many different perspectives, it leaves me a little confused. How much do I tell her? How do I let her know that I love her without overwhelming her? How do I let her know I desire a relationship without sounding desperate? I want to take how she may feel into consideration, yet I don't know how she feels. There are so many different ways she could feel. UGH I need some opinions. Sorry if it was long winded.

[kakuehl]

Do you have a copy of what you wrote? If you reread it it may help you.

You could start by saying you've talked to her aMom who has said she will give her the letter when she's eighteen.

You remember how emotional you were when you wrote the first one and want her to know... how often you've thought of her over the years, how much you love her. How you hope to meet her some day.

Give her contact info; maybe tell her what's happening in her life. Let her know how to contact you.

I wouldn't overwhelm her with info. Let her know that you are open to answering any questions she has (assuming you are.) b ut don't go into great detail about anything.

Let her set the pace.

These are just some of the thoughts I have. (After 33 years I'm in reunion with my bson; I'm trying to take it slowly.)

Hope this is a little help.
Kathy

[mamabee]

I am also curious as to what you wrote in the first letter. Plus, tell us more about the aMom. Has she given you any clues about your daughter as to her emotional stablility, maturity, etc. And how was the aMom's reaction to you?

[hereifyouneedme]

I know this sounds bad, but I honestly don't remember what I wrote. It was 17 years ago and frankly I don't remember too much of that first year. But I have other letters that I wrote when she was 2 years old. They never got sent because I had lost contact with the Amom. They are a little immature. My bdaughter has depression and is on medication. I don't know how she feels about me, being adopted, or if she wants a relationship with me at all. I finally found amom and she wrote a letter telling me of the depression and an overall update, but she didn't really tell me how my bdaughter feels about anything.
I used to think I had a great relationship with amom. I loved her when I met her before the birth of my bdaughter. She was so "together" and sweet. I wished that she could be my mom. I got a letter about twice a year with pictures. My last letter and picture was when she was 1 1/2. It took awhile for me to notice because I was only receiving them twice a year. So at first I didn't panic, I figured I would get one eventually. Then it got to be too long. I had always known their names, so I looked them up in a phone book to see if maybe they moved away. They were listed seperately. I called the agency to see if there was someway they could contact them and ask them to send something. The woman that dealt with our case was no longer there. The woman who took over wasn't familiar with the case and said she would have to look into it and that if it wasn't in writing, they were not required to keep in touch with me. I would be charged a $45 an hour fee for the research. I couln't afford it. Now, looking back, I should have done it. But at the time it looked dim, they stopped contact for some reason, could I really force them to start again?
I finally got the nerve to do it 14 years later and amom says it was me who dropped off the face of the earth. She says that I wrote her and told her that I was getting married and that I would write after the wedding. She never heard from me again.
The thing is, the letter I wrote her was in Feb. 1991. The last update I got was in July of 1990. I did tell her I was getting married, after all I had gotten pregnant again and I so desired this woman's respect. I didn't want her to think I was some loser who couldn't get her act together. (although looking back, I think I was trying to prove the opposite to myself) I had planned on getting married, but it never worked out. So why would I give her the impression that my wedding was right down the road and not to contact me until she heard from me again? As it was I was due for an update.
I think she felt threatened because I found her. There is so much more to this story, but as it is this post is pretty long and I feel like I'm ranting. The truth is that I want a relationship with my bdaughter. I am willing to go at whatever pace is needed. I would also love it if amom and I could work together to make it go smoothly. I know that reading this i may seem a little bitter toward her, but I was just thrown to hear that it was my fault I had been without contact all these years. I will get over it.
Thanks for listening,
Tonya

[kakuehl]

I don't think it's surprising at all that you can't remember what you wrote 17 years ago!! I know I wrote a letter and sent it to the state agency several years later and I have no clue what I wrote. (Bson told me the agency they used is no longer in existence so who knows what happened to it!)

Also, I am a pastor and constantly talking with people - sermons, one on one, etc. It constantly amazes me how people hear things differently. I know what I've said or written and I've had lots of experiences where I've thought, "How did you get that out of what I said?!) One of my courses in seminary pointed out that no two of us speak exactly the same language. And when you add to that the emotions surrounding adoption! She truly could have thought you meant you were moving after marriage and would send new name/address. (Could be she wanted to believe it as the desire to forget your/her child had ever not been hers grew with time. This is sheer speculation.) It sounds like that time in your life was a stressful/emotional time as well. Are you raising the second child?

All that said, you can't change the past... you simply move forward from today.

May you experience that peace/wholeness of God in your life.
Kathy

[hereifyouneedme]

Yeah, that time in my life was quite a mess. I've had relationship issues since I was a child. I was always so deperate to feel loved. I had a warped view of what real love is. I had my son in January of 91 and another daughter in 93. I've been raising both. I could never go through the adoption experience again. I think on a subconscious level, I wasn't as careful about not getting pregnant again as I'd have myself believe at the time. Does that make sense? I think that I wanted 2 things~ 1. to prove to myself that I truly was a mess and therefore could not have kept my daughter. and 2. to somehow replace the love that my bdaughter would have had for me. Kind of selfish thinking on my part.
Anyhoo, I've done a lot of soul searching since and a lot of growing up. I learned to love myself.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by hereifyouneedme

...I think on a subconscious level, I wasn't as careful about not getting pregnant again as I'd have myself believe at the time. Does that make sense? I think that I wanted 2 things~ 1. to prove to myself that I truly was a mess and therefore could not have kept my daughter. and 2. to somehow replace the love that my bdaughter would have had for me. Kind of selfish thinking on my part.
Anyhoo, I've done a lot of soul searching since and a lot of growing up. I learned to love myself.

Yes, it does make sense! I ached to hold a baby in my arms. My poor husband (I married the summer after the adoption) put up with my crying need for another baby for the first coupke years of our marrieage. Do you know the PA Dutch saying, "too soon old, too late smart?" I'm so glad you've learned to love yourself. Nothing really works until that happens. Ultimately one of the best gifts we can give our children is to love ourselves!

Blessings,
Kathy

[longingtomeetyou]

hi there,,,,

sometimes its best to go with your gutt.......how would you like to be approached .....that is how she might want you to write her.......

someone said once that its what the birthmoms instincts are that adopted child also wants......


so go with your instincts.........
hope to hear more from you as your time for reunion is almost here........

[hereifyouneedme]

Thank you for your advices.
I have sent my letter about a week ago. Her amom will give it to her when she turns 18. I hope she likes it.
This has all been so draining. It is sometimes extremely difficult to "carry on as usual".
I left it up to her to decide if she wants to take the next step. I want her to feel like she has some choice in all of this. But I hope and pray that she wants to have a relationship with me.
I hope you get your picture!! How old is your daughter?