[mamabee]

We had our reunion approximately 2 years ago...the last 1 1/2 have been not so good. There was a lot of miscommunications and misunderstandings and just plain bad feelings. Recently, through an email to my oldest daughter my relinquished daughter has expressed her interest in starting things up with me again. It has been several months since we have seen or spoken to one another. I want to have a successful relationship with her; I do not want things to return back to the way things were. I need suggestions from all on how to make this work this time.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Not saying you "need" it but do you have a therapist/counselor who could be a good, uninvolved third party to bounce things off of re: starting the reunion up again? I only ask because my therapist has been so wonderful in helping me to figure out some issues as of late and it's not because I'm "crazy" (or am I? hmm) but because I just need someone UNINVOLVED to help me see things from all sides.

That said, I'd take things slow and be open and honest about everything. *BIG HUGS*

I hope this goes well for you!

[mamabee]

Thanks Jenna. I have been going to therapy almost as soon as our reunion began...I knew right away I needed proffessional help in dealing with the flood of emotions that came upon me. However, my daughter has expressed that I do not have the right therapists....?? I think she is wonderful and has really been helping me to heal. I almost had a nervous breakdown when things started falling apart with me and my daughter and I don't want to go back to the ugly place again....

[archy4004]

Mamabee I am so happy your daughter wants to start over, thats great. All I can say is take it slowly and be honest about everything, just like Jenna said. Also let her lead the way with what she wants from you. This worked for me, my bmother has been fantastic, there when I need her and gives me space when I get confused. We have had alot of ups and downs but now with her honesty and knowing what she wants from me we can finally move forward. Its taken 8 years and some therapy but I feel so good about our relationship now. My bmother has always felt its a priviledge to be back in my life and she always goes at my pace. Always tell each other how you feel and if something is worrying you, talk about it. I really wish you all the best and will be thinking of you. Sharyn

[mamabee]

Sharyn, I feel you meant well by saying that I should let my daughter lead the way but I disagree. I feel that this solution has been some of my problems in the past. When we first met, within a few weeks, she and her family moved to my state; less than five minutes away. I was instantly thrown into a mother/daughter relationship. I admit I had issues of my own: being reunited with a daughter that I had relinquished 22 years prior. I needed to take care of my own needs as well as hers but I pushed my needs aside and focused everyday on how I could make my daughter's life happy. This was real "work". When things began falling apart and the feelings I was giving weren't being reciprocated, I nearly lost it....it being my mind!

This time around I think it is only fair that we give "each" other "mutual" respect. I really, really want a relationship with my daughter but the expectations are being lowerd...this way I don't have to fall as hard if things should take a turn for the worst again.

[Jackiejdajda]

You knew what was best the last time.. You took care of yourself and the consequences were that you and the birthdaughter have more of an understanding of each other.. Trust yourself..

I take care of me.. in my reunion.. I love him but I take care of me..
I am a person of the first order.. I am guilty of nothing..
I did the very best I could in a very difficult situation..

Jackie

[Montraviatommyg]

I keep thinking about this and I do feel it is worth you trying again. You have learnt from reunion/pull back already so you are better prepared this time. Take it slowly and keep your family close to you as you all need each other.

Hugs
Pip

[mamabee]

The main thing on my mind is concentrating on the fact that I refuse to be hurt again but am I sabotaging our relationship? I think my daughter may want to do therapy together (if she can find a therapists she likes); but I feel so drained that I can't bare the thought of hearing someone telling me more that I should do. Does this make sense?

[Montraviatommyg]

Yes it does...I would feel the same if my son and I went back into reunion.

Pip

[sspete]

Mamabee....

Boy oh Boy.....this is a toughie!!! I would FOR SURE take it VERY slowly!!! I know as a bmom I feel a lot of guilt, but yet I did the best that I could for her at the time!!!!! SOOOOO, that being said I respect her wishes, but also I MUST remember she must respect mine too.

Reunion is SOOOO hard, BUT it can be done!!! As long as each party agrees to respect the other. It can be done by working together if each one involved is willing to do so. It CANNOT be one sided!!!

Set ground rules in your own mind and stick to your guns!!! You deserve to be understood!!! Take each day as it comes....This will not be easy....

I am thinking of you....Hopefully it WILL work this time!!!

Staci

[mamabee]

Thanks all....

This is going to sound really dumb...but just in case we do go to therapy together...what kind of ground rules should I say??? What other than mutual respect can I say???? I just want to do things right...bare with me.

[eastendmommy]

Oh Mamabee!!! I'm so happy for you that your Bdaughter wants to give it another try!!! Honesty and respect are the cornerstones in ANY lasting relationship an adult enters into...whether it's adoption-related or not. Take it slow, be honest in your feelings, and respect her opinion. If she wants to go to joint therapy, you can play it by ear and discuss with the therapist any concerns you may have. That's what the therapy will help to sort out!

Honesty, openness and respect...they have to go both ways, hon! Speak your mind without putting your foot in your mouth! (Not an easy thing for me, sometimes!). It is a balancing act, it seems... It has to come from both sides, though!

WOW! I wish you such luck this time around!! Keep us posted!

Hugs, Tammi

[Montraviatommyg]

One ground rule, if you can call it that, is to tell your daughter that if she is unhappy about something you do or say then you would appreciate the two of you talking about the problem and how you can resolve it and the same can be applied to you telling her. I appreciate it a tough thing to do but it's worth a try.

Hugs
Pip

[sspete]

Mamabee...

I agree with Pip and Tammy!!! Agree to talk to each other about things that are bothering you. This can resolve much conflict. Communication is SO important. You can set the rules by ensuring her you want a relationship with her, BUT tell her that for the two of you to communicate is crucial.

Speaking your mind and from your heart. The two can be achieved but it is HARD!!! Go into the relationship with your eyes and heart wide open, but don't be taken advantage of.

Bless you Mamabee....I am Thinking of YOU!!!

Staci

[mamabee]

Ok...I feel kind of stuck again. Our first few emails were about therapy and then I didn't know what to say the next day when it was my turn so I sent a thinking of you E-card. She responded back her thanks and that was it...no continuing conversation. What do I do now?