[SchmennaLeigh]

Start up a completely new conversation. Ask what she's doing this summer. Tell her your plans. Talk about a favorite memory of summer from when you were a child. And then, somewhere in the middle, throw in a gentle issue you'd like to discuss. And then back to summer.

Take it slow. You're doing fine. Sometimes D and I run out of things to say as well on one topic and a new one just needs to be started. (Re: emails.)

[MamaS]

Why "do" anything? You sent a card that you were thinking of her. That's enough for now. Every conversation does not have to be deep, intense, and revealing. Just chill. She is a grown woman with a family. Children? A job? And if I read it correctly, you have at least one other child who deserves some attention. Make your b-daughter a part of your life , but not the center of your life. She should not have that power.

[sspete]

I personally would say let it be for now. Maybe wait awhile and then respond again with a breezy easy email.

OHHHH it is SOOOO blasted HARD to know what to do...Just hard. I think the secret is to not let it consume you. Take it as it comes and just go with the flow!!!

((((((((HUGS))))))))) Mamabee...

Trust me you are at a place where people TRULY do understand what you are going through. I know I DO anyway!!!!

Staci

[Montraviatommyg]

Might be a good idea to steer away from therapy as a subject for now and stick with "newsy" email...if you've booked a holiday for example tell her about that or any other events that might be coming up.

Hugs Pip

[shadow riderer]

Mama Bee, I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to wish you luck. I hope everything works out for you.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Jackiejdajda]

What I did was write about my everyday life..

There is a saying in twelve steps..

Keep it simple stupid..

In The Artist Way.. Julia Cameron wrote about paying attention.. to the moment.. She wrote about how her grandmother taught her about life by writing about the everyday things around her.. What flowers were blooming and stuff like that..

I say .. steer clear of the heavy stuff.. and get to know the woman..

Jackie

[kakuehl]

I wonder what kind of "therapist" she has in mind. As a pastor, I do a certain amount of counseling (of all types, pre-marital, marital, grief, family, you name it!) I'm not a therapist and I don't try to be! Often what I discover when there's more than one person involved is that they are not hearing each other. They're just not on the same page. Sometimes it's like they're speaking two different languages and I find myself interpreting for them!

One technique I use is to ask one person to summarize what the other person has just said. If the other person agrees that's what she/he said, then the first person responds. The key is to make sure you know what the other person is saying before you respond to what you think they are saying. One way to do this is to say, I hear you saying that... Then you can share your response.

It's not the counselor's job to tell you what to do! If the therapist is doing that, find another one!

I say (and mean it) in my reunion with my bson that I will follow his lead in the relationship. That doesn't mean that I will do whatever he wants! And if I were to feel that things were moving too fast for me, I would say so. Frankly if he were to tell me he was moving his family to be near me (even after 6 months let alone weeks), red flags would start going up all over for me. I would ask why and encourage him not to make any quick decisions. (Not that I wouldn't like him closer!)

Remember that you are the one who has lived more life and (I assume) have the scars and the wisdom to prove it. In your position I would be open to renewing the relationship, but I would try to listen to what my instinct is telling me is comfortable for me. Relationship is a two-way street. If one person spends the whole time worrying about doing what pleases the other or one person controls the whole relationship, it's not healthy.

My hope and prayer for you is that you can devlop a healthy relationship with your daughter that enriches both your lives.

Blessings,
Kathy

[Montraviatommyg]

I agree with Kathy on this subject as she has got it spot on. Whilst it is good for any of us to follow the lead with our child on the other hand we still deserve respect and be able to voice our views. Reunion needs mutual respect, compromise and to understand what the other one wants. If one makes unreasonable demands then we should be able to discuss this amicably so there is no misunderstanding. Easier said than done at times but who said life is that easy .

Pip

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Remember that you are the one who has lived more life and (I assume) have the scars and the wisdom to prove it. In your position I would be open to renewing the relationship, but I would try to listen to what my instinct is telling me is comfortable for me. Relationship is a two-way street. If one person spends the whole time worrying about doing what pleases the other or one person controls the whole relationship, it's not healthy.

Hello Kathy et all..

I am having sooo many guilt feelings these days.. I am not comfortable (at this moment) contacting the birthson.. I have had an incredibly difficult two years.. My husband had two serious health procedures.. My third born son has health problems.. and I sold my house and my husband retired..
I can not cope with anything more.. Ohh yes.. my dad passed away in January..

And for those who do not know.. I am more than five years into reunion.. A long distance reunion with a very busy birthson.. I know when I call I will get a machine and then I will have to wait for him to call back.. and I will have to leave my voice on his machine..
A male adoptee here wrote recently that the adoptee (he wrote male adoptee but I am sure it is on terms of some female adoptees as well) that the adoptee may not reply but he is still wanting the assurance that the birthmom (I am sure father may be the same) is thinking of him.. and is sending cards etc..
My bson knows my life is difficult now.. and I am sure he understands.. (this is helping me writing this now)

But I believe that this is taking care of oneself.. I am also a recluse.. I mostly have a hard time dealing with people real time.. I am happy alone.. I need time alone.. in order to regroup myself.. and I do not think I am regrouped yet from the sale of my home and learning how to life in an environment that is not my normal environment.. (I moved to the country and I lived in a big city all my life)

I send gifts.. to the kids and I send gifts to him.. I am going to find his phone number and put it by the phone tho.. Just in case.

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Jackie,
I don't want to add to the guilt if you can't do it, but LET GO OF THE GUILT! The stress level in your life will be high enough without it.

It sounds to me like you have the wisdom to know yourself pretty well. Since you know that you need time alone to regroup and adjust to your current situation, give yourself the GIFT of time. Those who know and love you will understand. (Or if they don't, will try to because they do love you.)

Send a card or note: I'll bet he'll find that gift enough.
Blessings,
Kathy

[bmomliz16]

After learning more about this from you - your gift to me - haha - I'm going to email you. Warning, I tend to be blunt.

You are not alone, and everyone is here to help you. If you can take even just a bit of each our thoughts and roll them into yourself, you're going to get through this. YOU CAN DO THIS!

[mamabee]

Wow! I have missed a few days and I am over joyed in reading the responses. All of which is very good advice and I appreciate them all so much.

I can just kick myself these days because I am a grown woman with 3 1/2 raised kids; 9 grandbabies but I still feel so vulernable and helpless.

My daughter and I have been doing the email thing for a few days and it has been pleasant..but now, I don't know what else to talk about. Does this mean that I am trying to do everything again? When or will it ever feel normal?

I love you guys so much and I am so proud that I found you all here.

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by mamabee

Wow! I have missed a few days and I am over joyed in reading the responses. All of which is very good advice and I appreciate them all so much.

I can just kick myself these days because I am a grown woman with 3 1/2 raised kids; 9 grandbabies but I still feel so vulernable and helpless.

My daughter and I have been doing the email thing for a few days and it has been pleasant..but now, I don't know what else to talk about. Does this mean that I am trying to do everything again? When or will it ever feel normal?

I love you guys so much and I am so proud that I found you all here.

When you've got the answers to your questions please let me know as I wish I could answer them . Do any of us now when it will feel normal again ?

Hugs
Pip

[eastendmommy]

Better question : do any of us really even know what "normal" IS?!!!!!!!! Hahaha!


Hugs to you, mamabee!!! Tammi

[Montraviatommyg]

Tammi, got me smirking as I sometimes wonder if I am normal...if I was still communicating with my son he would probably say I'm not .

Pip