[IYAOYASMarineWife]

How do I deal with my JohnPatrick's first birthday coming up? It seems like I have so much going on right now, even the slightest bit of indifference sends shockwaves right through me!

I am still searching for the way to tell my husband about him. I don't think right now is appropriate. In my heart I don't think I will ever be ready. But, in my mind I know that I must tell him eventually, so 17 years from now he is not scratching his head and wondering where this young man came from. He probably wonders why my "best friend" who he has never met keeps sending me pictures of her baby; Who just happens to look just like the rest my family.

I am really looking for someone who has been down this road. Someone to guide me, because I am throughly LOST!

PLEASE HELP...

[Montraviatommyg]

My situation was different to yours as my son's adoption was closed and he was 12 when I got married. I didn't tell my husband about him ... my sister did a couple of months after I got married after she and I had argued. My husband was more upset that I hadn't told myself though he accepted what happened. If anything it brought us closer together. I'm glad my husband did know as I found my son in 2004 although I wasn't actually searching. My husband has been very supportive with all of this.

I don't think there is ever a completely "right" time to tell your husband without knowing him. It wil be less of a shock to find out now than maybe 17+ years down the line.

Pip

[eastendmommy]

Wow! First birthday...still so fresh and raw...and to have to deal with telling your new husband to boot... I'm sorry that you're having to go through this...

My husband knew about my son when we first met. By that time, my son was 13, so there was no threat of seeking him out...yet.

Fast forward to today...my son is 25 and I have just recently found him...I was honest about the adoption, but never the circumstances of conception before. To anyone, especially my parents and siblings...

I was brutally raped and left for dead 26 years ago. I never told anyone. When my son and I had our first phone conversation, one of the questions he asked of me was about his biodad...I told him - gently, and without going into any details - about the rape.

Then, I felt like I could go and tell my husband about it. I was extremely scared as to what his reaction would be, we had been married for 12 years at this point, and I thought he was going to be furious with me for keeping this 'secret' from him... He was NOT!!! He understood the 'whys' of it all, knew how my family was, and totally understood the whole chain of command thing.

Tell him. The sooner, the better. This is something that you're going to be having a rough time with occassionally, and he needs to know where your 'moods' are coming from. He will most likely be a huge help to you in processing your emotions. Give him a chance to be your support system, hon! Good luck.

Hugs, Tammi

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by IYAOYASMarineWife

He probably wonders why my "best friend" who he has never met keeps sending me pictures of her baby; Who just happens to look just like the rest my family.

I think its about intimacy in the relationship.. I did not tell my sister about my bson.. I did not tell her for about fifteen or twenty years..
The secret drove us apart.. It separated our families..

Maybe your husband can help you through your grief..

Can you write about why you haven’t told him? It might help you to sort the why of it..

Jackie

[IYAOYASMarineWife]

I haven't told many people that I gave him away, because I am mortified. I have two children that I have gone through Hell to keep with me; and I just "gave away" the third. I got pregnant with him at quite possibly the worst time in my life. I was single and going through the trial of my rapist. I was fighting for custody of my two oldest, and was scared to death. I was staying in my aunt's house, who had passed away, and did not even have my own room. It was no place to bring another child into.

I won sole custody of the 2 oldest and life is good. Ron knows that I had a 3rd, but he also thinks that he passed away. This is what my family came up with to help them deal with the grief. I am an embarassment to my family, whether they choose to tell me to my face or not, I know that I am! So if my flesh and blood feels this way, how is my husband going to deal with this?!?!

I feel so lost right now. He gets so confused with my moods. Especially now that he is in Iraq, and cannot hold me when I am in tears. Not only can he not hold me, but he doesn't even know what the tears are from...

Thank you guys for being here...you are the only ones that understand my love and yearning for JohnPatrick!

[kakuehl]

My dear child, my heart aches for you. Secrets can be so devastating to families, especially when you feel like you do. It's bad enough to feel guilt that you couldn't parent your child without being made to feel that it is shameful too. (Tell me, did any of the family who say that he died offer to help you at the time?)

You are a survivor! You have survived rape. You did everything you could to keep your family together and you made what you felt was the best decision for JohnPatrick at the time. I suspect that when you tell Ron he will first be relieved to have an explanation of what's happening to you - causing the bouts of crying, etc. Apparently he does his best to comfort you without the explanation.

You have lost your son... your arms are empty. YOu need to grieve that; your failure to be the mother to him that you wanted to is part of that grief. Not only that, your new husband is in Iraq. Scary! the thought of telling him is also scary because of your fear of losing his love. I hope you will find the strength to tell him.

You will probably find yourself being emotional at the time of his birthday every year. My birthson's birthday is the same as mine. For 32 years it was not a good time for me. I saw my first picture of him on his 33rd (my 54th) birthday.

PM me anytime.

Kathy

[Jackiejdajda]

Hello MarineWife.. and hello Kathy..

I seem to have gotten lost around here.. I have not been back to reply to your post and I am sorry.. My son was visiting and I had to limit my computer time.. he has gone back to the big city..

MarineWife how are you doing today?

Jackie

[BrandyHagz]

I remember when I told my husband, before we were married, that I had placed a child for adoption.

I’d never given him any indication that there was another child…we’d never spent any length of time together (he was a Marine, living in NC, I was a single mom living in Texas) and our romance/marriage was such a whirlwind that it just never came up.

The day before we got married, I sprung it on him…the whole time, I thought he’d turn and run as fast as he could. Like you, I was parenting a child when I placed my second born in open adoption.

What he did totally surprised me…I mean, except for the blatant lack of knowledge regarding adoption, he was very accepting. He asked me a ton of questions and that was it.

As I’m writing this, I asked him what his gut reaction was, so I could share with you how he felt, and he said, “I dunno, at first I thought it was odd…but after thinking about it some, I realized that it must have taken a lot of courage for you to make a really hard decision.”

I think that you need to just tell him. Don’t make it a dramatic revelation…just sit him down and say, “Bob, I haven’t been honest with you, I have another child, I placed him for adoption, I’m sorry I didn’t feel I could share this with you” and then ask him if he has questions.

He might get upset – I think you should prepare for that, only because deception affects people differently…maybe he will surprise you and totally understand why you felt ashamed and in turn will be your strongest pillar of support.

I know when visits come around, I lean on my husband a lot…he is a wonderfully supportive man, thankfully.

I’d be happy to chat with you more, if you want to chat. Having been in a similar situation, I think I can offer some good advice.