[mamabee]

I know I am going out on a limb here but I am having a real hard time understanding how some people can lie and keep telling lies. Without offending anyone, I would really like to understand this type of behavior a little better than I do. I am a Christian and I feel very condemned to say or do anything dishonest...so why is it that some people lie so easily? Why do they not stop after telling one lie? You learn that everything they have ever said has been a lie?

[Montraviatommyg]

Wish I could answer this one for you but good to see you start this thread .

Pip

[AwaitingBeloved]

ooh, mammabee. I have struggled with this realization for a long time, too. The person who has made me realize what a real problem this is because he is *such* a pathological liar is my BIL. DH's oldest brother could not tell a truth to save his soul. And it is very difficult having a relationship with him and his wife (she's equally deceptive) and their kids because you don't want to surround yourself with people like this, yet, you can't expect DH to cut his ties to his family, either...


Sigh

It's so hard. I don't know why they lie. I don't know a better way to deal with it than to just nod and grin (I've tried calling them out on their lies, and it's amazing and frustrating to see how they continue to lie to get out of being caught in a lie, and it's just not my fight anyway so I just let it go) and in my heart don't really let any of their words into my mind because I know I can't believe what they say. It leads to less arguments and less conversation because when they don't get a reaction from their audience, they get tired of talking and go to someone else. Which works perfectly fine for me.

BIL came back from Iraq after a year's contract there about a year ago now. Since then, he *seems* to be leading a better life, more honest life, but I still can't believe him or his words. It's so frustrating.

And I feel terribly for DH. I do actually care about his brother, even though he has this lying problem, I think his heart is good and he really can't stop. Out of DH's siblings, he's probably the most gentle. I am like you, though. I am probably honest to a fault. I feel like people are entitled to know the truth, the entire truth, and sometimes that gets me in trouble... I'm still learning when to limit things that I share with others.

I'm very sorry for your dilemma. I know it's not an easy thing to deal with. And it sounds silly to ppl who don't live with this, like it's not a big deal. But it really, really is.

[mamabee]

what do you do when you discover your bdaughter and her husband are both pathological liars? Why do they feel they have to lie about everything? How do you ever learn to trust?

Julie--my friend says her BIL is a pathological liar also. She says she just nods and agrees but then lets everything that is said go into one ear and out the other. I asked her how do you know when he telling the truth or how do you carry on a conversation and she replied to me she doesn't.

So, how am I supposed to develop a meaningful relationship with my daughter????

[AwaitingBeloved]

Yes, I do exactly like your friend does, and I end up not believing a word out of BIL or his wife's mouths. It's very unfortunate. I think I can tell when he's lying, but even when he seems like he's not, I still have this uneasy feeling that I'm being naive. So I just don't believe him.

With your daughter... I really don't know. Have you talked to her about this? Does she know that you know she is lying about things? I think the only way to develop a meaningful relationship with her is if you let her know that you expect complete honesty at all times and that you will not tolerate being lied to. I'm sure she will say all the right things, but let her know she has to live it, not just say it. The hard part will be actually sticking to it. But if you want a meaningful relationship with her, I really don't see any other way.... you could have a relationship with her as she is, including her lies. And that is a tough choice. You may even try to establish a meaningful relationship and eventually decide that you just want her in your life no matter what her problems are...I am like you and don't know how I could deal with this, either.

Would she consider going to therapy for this? Does she realize she has a lying problem? BIL has no idea. He genuinely thinks what he does is ok. Their biofather is the same way, DH has no relationship with him so he's not a factor for us, but BIL and bio father are right up each other's alley's and are in regular contact. Not sure what the deal is with the lies and why he can't see that the bio dad, and he himself, are filled with lies.

I hope things get better for you. I can imagine how awful this is for you.

[mamabee]

I believe my daughter and her husband either have no idea what they are doing or just don't care. I really believe it is the latter. We tried to go to therapy; she went one time....she sat there and smiled her prettiest smiles and said I am fine...everything is fine. Need I say more?

Then, my stepmom tries to have a conversation with her and has not spoken with her in many, many months...and what does she do? Tell my stepmom lies. Why does she do this...Is this a disease?

[Marie10]

I also struggle with that question. Especially when the ones doing the lying claim to be Christians. The only thing that I can do is to pray through the anger. This is sometimes a whole lot easier said than done.

[NDN]

This is an interesting article about lying. http://www.sciammind.com/print_versi...D683414B7F0000
Basically, we lie because it works...it gets us what we want, at least part of the time. It's not always material things (althought it can be) sometimes it's just to create facade so that people will view us the way we WANT them to think we are (like the smiling throught the counseling pretending all is fine). It's a form of manipulation that stems from our inherent selfishness. Our human nature says to take care of and advance ourselves...and lying is a vehicle for that. It helps us to get what we want. The question is though, at what cost. Whereas you have a moral governor that influences your honesty, others have social influences (such as others losing trust in them, etc). However, some people, either don't see the long term ramifications of the immediate gratification that can be achieved through lying or they simply don't care. The cost-benefit analysis tells them that what they want is more important to them than what they will lose if the lie is found out. I think (or at least hope) that more people fall into the short-sighted category than into the "I don't care" group...however there is an abundance of both. Of course, there are also people that are pathological liars because they have a mental illness and don't even know the truth from lies--but that's another thing altogether.

Don't know what to do in dealing with this, however. It must be terribly difficult for you, as you can't trust people that lie with such abandon. Sorry that you have to deal with that.

[Montraviatommyg]

One theory I've been given to why my sister is like this is that one of my grandmothers promised her she was getting a brother but she got a sister instead. For years I thought it was far fetched yet who knows maybe it is right .

Pip

[tssr1]

I am so glad to see someone else has this problem with their birthchild also. Mine has told so many lies to my mom and to me also.
When I tried to talk to her about the things she told my mom she said I cant believe you would believe her instead of me. I made the mistake in the beginning telling her that sometimes my mom tells a story but its not always completly true. I was telling her that so she didnt take everything my mom said to heart. Sometimes my mom can say very hurtful things. She took that and ran with it. My mistake. I should had never told her that she uses it. I also told her that I wasnt close to my mom. Another mistake. She has became very close to my mom. But tellls me everything my mom says she has said is a lie. If that is true why would she still be so close to my mom. I think she is just to hurt me. Sends her cards and letters, calls her none of these things she does with me.

[mamabee]

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It is sad that we are the ones who want to have a loving relationship with our children but we are the ones who get beat down. Is it a test? Who knows? Is it right? IMO..NO. Actually I read your other thread and had to look at your profile to make sure we were not talking about the same daughter because my daughter does so many similar things. I don't know why they do this to us. I am currently in a time out from my daughter; you may should consider the same. Do I still hurt? Yes. But I hurt even worse while listening to her tell her lies and more lies. I hope you will talk more...it helps me too to see I am not alone.

[eastendmommy]

There are two types of liars in this world. One is the liar who lies in order to gain favor with someone, the other is pathological and will lie about inconsequential things like what they had for breakfast... The latter requires medication and therapy and soul searching, something most pathological liars will never do...

It's impossible to have a meaningful relationship with any kind of liar, though. Everything that comes out of their mouths is questionable. You never know when maybe this time they're telling the truth, but, probably not... You begin to suspect that everything they say is peppered with half-truths at best. Eventually, it goes in one ear and out the other, like was pointed out in another post.

I'm sorry that you all are going through having to deal with these liars in your life. My family has accused me of lying about something that happened 26 years ago, and I have never been a liar as an adult (I have always admitted that I lied as a kid, who didn't?!) It's a shame that the children that you were separated from for so long have re-entered the pictures as liars. I'm sorry you're having to go through that. Hugs, Tammi

[mamabee]

Hey, I can handle little white lies (I personally don't do it) because I thought well, she just wants us to like her. But she and her husband both tell lies about everything. I mean everything. They stretch the truth about who they talk to and what was said: the simpliest things that there is no reasons to lie about. No matter what we do for them, they badmouth us...and everyone is seeing it...not just me.

[Pinakitha]

I have no idea why people lie. As already stated here, it may be to do with insecurity, with the need to gain approval or obtain something from someone.

I try to be as truthful as I can with everyone. however, sometimes it is necessary to either say nothing or to tell a "white" lie rather than hurt or offend someone. Yes, I know, "truth is truth". However, not everyone can handle the "unadulterated truth" straight away.

I know that many adopted people say they want to hear "the truth" but, when they get it refuse to believe it. Perhaps this is because that "truth" is too overwhelming, doesn't fit in with their preconceptions of how they would like things to be or seems to threatening. I don't know.

Of course, this can make things very trickly. How do you tell the truth to someone who is not yet ready to accept it? Perhaps one could say "I'm happy to discuss that with you, but I don't feel it's the right time quite yet"? At least you wouldn't be lying and you might also be ensuring that the other person doesn't receive information they are unable to handle.

I don't think that you need to be a Christian in order not to tell lies. Most religions and/or philosophies consider them to be bad.

However, if we told the unadulterated truth all the time, there might be a lot more people out there feeling hurt or upset....

A tricky question to answer!

[NJNative]

I don't think that you need to be a Christian in order not to tell lies. Most religions and/or philosophies consider them to be bad. "


Precisely. There are many non-religious people who never lie and plenty of religious ones who lie all the time.

Religions don't have a monopoly on ethical behavior.

Robin