[mamabee]

After 22 years, I was re-united with my daughter in July 2004. It has been very emotional. I have other children and she has requested me not to treat her any different than my other children but it is up to her about how she treats her siblings and myself. She expects me to treat her as a mother (which I am so proud to do) and be a grandmother to her children (which I love) but she does not treat me with the same respect and gets furious with me if I ever disagree.

Just so I feel that I can keep some sort of sanity here, what am I to do or expect. I welcome your input.

[Montraviatommyg]

You do deserve to be shown respect IMHO. It is okay to sit your daughter down and tell her how you're feeling. I'm in reunion with my 24 yr old son and at first I did let him "walk all over" me at first but after a while I didn't like this anymore so gradually became more assertive with him. We have had our disagreements but now he knows that if I feel strongly about something that it is up to him to respect my feelings. It is hard to do this at times but you need to think about yourself and your other children. How do they feel about this? Could they speak to her about how you all feel?

Pip

[TBooth]

Mamabee, you should expect a mutually respectful relationship. Your daughter is young, and I don't know what her circumstances are in terms of other relationships or what issues she might be struggling with, but I think it's up to you to lay some ground rules. If she wants to be treated like your other children...do you expect them to be respectful? You can still offer unconditional love while putting conditions on your interactions.

As for what we adoptees want...I'll let you know when I figure it out!

[mamabee]

Thank you so much for your replies. I feel I have bent over backwards to shower her with my affection but if you were to ask her she would reply otherwise. Now she is not speaking to me and refuses to come to any family socials if I am present.

I just wonder how and what do I say... to get this going on the right track.

[Found at last]

Mamabee,

My heart goes out to you. Reunions can be very hard to deal with. Seems like we are walking on egg shells all the time.

I agree with Pip. I wish that I would have been more assertive with my daughter. After two months of answering all of her questions and jumping thru all the right hoops, my daughter pulled back from my family and I. I feel that she just didn't seem to consider our feelings.

Lost again,
Barb

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by mamabee

Just so I feel that I can keep some sort of sanity here, what am I to do or expect. I welcome your input.

I find reunion very difficult.. I can not be my bsons mom.. My emotions go nuts when I even think of it.. It drains me..

Maybe your birthdaughter is working through some of her issues.. Some birthmoms will say they go into a terrible grief when first they reunite.. Their emotions get out of control..
Mine did.

I do not think we have to try and fix our birthchildren.. They got to fix themselves..

When I did twelve steps.. I knew when I hit the amendment step.. ( ask for forgiveness) I had to say I was sorry that all of this happened.. to him..

Then a sponsor told me that what we do after we make those amends is say to ourselves that we will never do it again.. And I will never walk away from my bson again.. but I will not.. allow him to emotionally drain me.. I can and will put up boundaries that are guilt free..

The guilt can take us (some of us) places we should not go IMO.

So I say love her from afar (till she sorts this) and take care of you..

Jackie

[mamabee]

Oh how I need your feedback...thank you all so much. This has been about to drain me completely. After months and months of crying, going to therapy and talking to everyone that will listen, I have come to the conclusion to listen to my family and friends...who keep telling me to let her go. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and I am sure some days it will kill me...but right now my relationship with my daughter is so bad...I think for me...I will have to let her go and pray that someday she will look back and want to really try again.

[eastendmommy]

Dear mamabee, I hope that when you sit back and take a breather, that things will start to improve. Maybe you have been focusing on this too hard and just need to let her alone for awhile. In time, I hope this will improve for you. Know that you have made the attempt, and maybe she will realize that her lack of respect for you has caused the rift, not the reunion itself. Good luck, Tammi

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by mamabee

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and I am sure some days it will kill me...but right now my relationship with my daughter is so bad...I think for me...I will have to let her go and pray that someday she will look back and want to really try again.

My bson pulled away from me.. I was writing emails and dreaming dreams and crashing from those dreams.. And all the while getting nothing from him..

I believe I got to the same point you are at now.. Only from a different angle..
I let him go again.. I can remember sitting and saying to myself.. I can no longer do this.. I can no longer send an email and wait for a reply.. Letting my mind think of him all the day long and wondering if he is going to reply.. Obsessing on it..
I realized I had spent a lot of my past thirty some odd years thinking of him..

Now was time for me.. I told myself.. Now I am done..

I sent him an email telling him that I wanted a relationship with him.. And I was here any time he wanted to know me and or his half sister and half brother..
Then I stopped.. I did not send him a birthday card.. And I sent nothing for Christmas.. Not even a card..
He called me around August in the year after that Christmas..

He said that he wanted to know me.. And he did not want us to drift apart..

Now I think we are comfortable.. (basically) with our distant relationship..

Letting him go that second time..(the first time was when I relinquished) was incredibly emotionally healing for me.. When he called back I felt he was willing to deal with me as I am right now.. Who I am.. Not someone I think he wants me to be.. Not someone I feel I am obligated to be..
Yes I gave him up for adoption.. Yes I set him on a path that may or may not have been his destiny..
But I can not control that.. I can not change that..

Jackie

[mamabee]

Jackie, this is exactly where I am right now in life. I finally made a decision to live again...so I sent her an email asking her forgiveness of anything I did wrong and told her that I would not email her again but wanted to say I am sorry and goodbye. Since then, I blocked her from being able to send me anymore emails (they were only hurtful) and have put away the reminders so I can try to have a normal life again. I love her and I am sure I always will but I can't have a real relationship if it is only going to be one sided. I can only hope and pray that like God has blessed you...someday she will realize things differently and want to have a real relationship with me. But until then, I have four beautiful children and six other grandchildren who love me dearly. It is true that I am shutting the door but not my heart...if given with sincerity...I would be totally glad to begin again.

Barbara

[shadowdove]

Mamabee..

""who keep telling me to let her go""

Friends and family are not equipped with the knowledge or experience to give such advice. They have not walked in your shoes, they have not experienced what you have experienced..From the initial loss of your daughter to adoption to the present. Talk is cheap! from those who do not have the experience of or the accompanying emotions of that particular experience..
Please be a bit more patient with yourself and your daughter.. You are only in reunion with your daughter not quite 2 years. You are both in the early stages of reunion, still in the 'balancing act' period.. Reunion is not a one-time event and Wah-lah! everything is OK and we can all act like we were never separated.. The reality is that both mother and adult child lost to adoption, are intimate strangers, and reunion is a forever evolving process.. Yes, we all have to have our boundaries, mother and adult child, doesn't mean anyone has to 'let go'.. Just be your daughter's mother, for that is who you are.. I have found in my reunion (7 years) and those of other nmoms and adopted people, that there is much 'give and pull', there are periods of anger, sadness, silence, you name it.. The sad reality is, Reunion does not bring our babies back to us.. The babies were lost to us many years ago. Who stands in front of us, is an adult daughter or adult son who also comes with a complete lifetime history of being raised by another family, good, bad or indifferent.. But bottom line these are forever our children, no piece of paper eradicates that most primal fact of life.. I'm sure you have had to deal with a wide range of emotions and so is your daughter, problem is we come from different angles and is many times hard to understand each other's POV.

Sometimes the periods of silence and pull-back can be beneficial to both.. Gives time to reflect and digest much information and tons of emotions.

I have found to be the most helpful, is to take plenty of deep breaths, EXHALE, relax, talk and share with people of like experience and plenty of patience.. Not just from the nmother, but the adult adopted person as well.. Many times there are pressures in either person's life that we do not know about, which can cause angst and anxiety behind the scenes.. Hang in there.. I know it's hard, but we survived the worst thing that could happen.. losing our babies..
My reunion is far from the best (if that exists, I haven't seen proof of that yet), but nor is it the worst.. No matter I am glad that I searched and found my daughter. I know her name, I have seen and kissed her face, I have heard her sing with the most beautiful voice and because of our reunion I have found a measure of peace within myself.. I only wish the same for my daughter..

[geogdeb]

Shadowdove,

As a nmother awaiting a full reunion with my son (he has my contact information, but won't give me his) -- what you wrote was the best thing for me to read at this time. Thank you for your advice -- even if it was meant for someone else. I think I can go to bed and sleep for the first time since I turned in my request for a search to the Confidential Intermediary.

Thanks again,

Debbie

[mamabee]

Shadowdove....

My loved ones advised me to let her go for now because they have seen first hand and felt my pain. No...they have not walked in my shoes but many of you have and it hurts to feel so much guilt and shame and then try, try, and try but to no avail.


I don't want to sound as if I don't love my daughter because I truly love her (or at least the image of the baby I left behind). It has been almost two years since the reunion but our relationship is getting worse than ever. My loved ones have observed me giving and giving but my efforts have never been pleasing enough to my daughter. She doesn't see past me and what I can do for her. It's as if I owe her 22 years of loss and if I can't do anymore, then she is out of here.


I had hopes of a genuine relationship. What does that mean? I thought two people talking and learning and developing a bond. I want to be everything she will let me be but she doesn't appear to want to be anything back to me or to her siblings.


I know this kind of relationship takes time but I wasn't given time. From the first day she had expectations that I had to live up to and I tried, I really did but it is so hard to keep trying when you feel nothing from the daughter you so desperately want to please.

My health is failing and I have the medical test to back this up. Sometimes I feel as if I will die from a broken heart. This is why everyone has been telling me...you just have to let her go. Everyone says she is immature and self centered and maybe when she has grown older, she will want to begin again.


This is why I began this thread with the question: Who am I? And what do you want? I guess this is aimed to the adoptees out there to help me understand what my daughter may be experiencing and thinking. Just how far are we as birth moms supposed to go? And does it ever end?

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by mamabee

I finally made a decision to live again...so I sent her an email asking her forgiveness of anything I did wrong and told her that I would not email her again but wanted to say I am sorry and goodbye. Since then, I blocked her from being able to send me anymore emails (they were only hurtful) and have put away the reminders so I can try to have a normal life again.

Barbara this must be incredibly difficult for you..

I know when I stopped contact with my bson.. Some people told me.. “Nooooo do not do it.” But I had to have that break.. A complete break..

Down time..

Dear Dr. Art..

I have done some searching for some old posts on who is really the parent of a relinquished son or daughter..
Dr Art wrote words I needed to hear in the thread.. Dear Dr Art.. (link above)

Quote from Dr Art
“On the other side, the birth parent has placed the child for their own good reasons and, if the parent has come to terms with that decision, it is not unusual for there to be some emotional distance and hence not a strong feeling of connection.”

And I ask the question .. What is wrong with that emotional distance???

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by shadowdove

Friends and family are not equipped with the knowledge or experience to give such advice. They have not walked in your shoes, they have not experienced what you have experienced..From the initial loss of your daughter to adoption to the present. Talk is cheap! from those who do not have the experience of or the accompanying emotions of that particular experience..
Please be a bit more patient with yourself and your daughter.. You are only in reunion with your daughter not quite 2 years. You are both in the early stages of reunion, still in the 'balancing act' period.. Reunion is not a one-time event and Wah-lah! everything is OK and we can all act like we were never separated.. The reality is that both mother and adult child lost to adoption, are intimate strangers, and reunion is a forever evolving process.. Yes, we all have to have our boundaries, mother and adult child, doesn't mean anyone has to 'let go'.

I disagree with what you have posted here… and the beauty of this place is that we can disagree..
My husband was a great deal of help when I hit walls in my reunion.. My third born son was also very good at giving me the words that I needed to hear..
He said to me once.. “Mom he has a family.. He is okay.. Its you who is not okay.”

Reality.. For me.

You write that no one has to let go.. How do you know this??

Jackie