[mamabee]

Cute...thanks for your support. My daughter is 23 but that too is still young so I understand what you meant. I hope it is just time to heal and not total letting go. However, I would like to explain further that we had lived in separate states but she and her husband moved to my state for financial reasons but now they are moving back to her home state. All of this because I finally refused to take any more of her lashing out at me and wrote her an email telling her of my pain, my poor health and asking her to please show me that she cared for me. Well, she wrote my oldest daughter an email explaining to her that she would not be anywhere I was going to be and she probably would never come to any social events again. I guess that hits right in the kisser!!!

[mamabee]

Jackie...I also feel your pain...and I would also like to say something concerning your pain with your bson. All you can be is honest...what more can a person ask for? You blocked all of that out a long time ago and probably with good reason. Your bson will have to accept this and understand if ever you do have a recollection of names...you will tell him but until then, he needs to respect you enough to be satisfied.

I don't know how you feel about this sort of thing...but IMO...it is hard enough dealing with these re-unions without having to deal with or be concerned with the bfather....whew...that is another load of garbage...and more guilt...and more pressure. Where were they all those years ago????

[cute]

Mamabee:Your post was good and I agree with your advice to Jackie...
We can only fix ourselves,we can fix no other human no matter whom....
I still feel your daughter is very young & immature.Leave all be now,with time things will turn around....Patience!
Jackie you have told your son so now it is up to him to seek whatever else he wants.You have done all you can.
Time to feel good on you...

[dpen6]

[
I don't know how you feel about this sort of thing...but IMO...it is hard enough dealing with these re-unions without having to deal with or be concerned with the bfather....whew...that is another load of garbage...and more guilt...and more pressure. Where were they all those years ago????[/quote]

Hmm, as an adoptee "that garbage" is my birthfather, carrier of half my genes and contributes to my children...all because I exist because of two peoples actions..from my presespective don't know, don't care about where he or she or anyone else was...I want to know about my genes...the rest is truly for others to figure out.

As far as any adoptee expecting a birthmom to become mom or a birthmom to expect a child to become "long lost child" is unrealistic in my opinion. I beleive that needs to be addressed right from the beginning. I DID NOT WANT another mother...I wanted info and a friendship...thats AKK I was able to give and it was a deal breaker if more was expected. I was 29 at reunion and it was HER expectations that caused some distance in our reunion.

[cute]

Donna:Each case is different and in my case b/dad and I went on to marry.Also lindsay's parents were deceased when we reunited.I suppose in that sense our reunion was very different,although would have liked to have met them and said thank you for doing what I could not at that time.
As for expectations it would be up to each person to let the other side know where to tread.If we all respect each other no matter which side one is on then we can and will have a healthy and happy reunion.
Just my opinion....

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by cute

Donna:Each case is different and in my case b/dad and I went on to marry.Also lindsay's parents were deceased when we reunited.I suppose in that sense our reunion was very different,although would have liked to have met them and said thank you for doing what I could not at that time.
As for expectations it would be up to each person to let the other side know where to tread.If we all respect each other no matter which side one is on then we can and will have a healthy and happy reunion.
Just my opinion....

Sandra,

I so agree .it is the respect issue that I am talking about. A birthmoms expecatations may be very different from an adoptees. an adoptee may or may not just be looking for info or just be able to complete the puzzle of or genes, ideneity(I know who I am...of course...but I don't know my genes). an adoptee asking about their birth father is a normal expecation for an adoptee in a reunion. For the good or the bad it does complete the puzzle and I don't feel by us asking we are causing anyone any undue harm.....to a birthmom it might be considered garbarge but to anadoptee it may be half of our genes...I would hope birthmom would respect that. just as I hope adoptee would respect the fact thae bmom may not know who birthfather is and not badger.....conversly I would hope that bmom would really try hard to figure out who it was because that IMO..shows respect in who the adoptee is...

[mamabee]

dpen6: First of all, I would like to apologize for the statement about garbage. Second of all, the word garbage was "not" referring to bfathers in general but the emotional feelings that comes with dragging up skeletons in closed closets. You being an adoptee must realize the emotions just with struggling with re-union regardless if it is bmom or bfather....I can speak for myself as a bmom and dealing with so many emotions from re-union with bchild is scary and very sensitive. Thus, having to worry about the bfather adds to the pain and anguish. I am not saying the bchild does not have a right to know because IMO they do, but in Jackie's condition, she honestly can't recall and shouldn't be made to feel inadequate as a result. Again...I am sorry for the misunderstanding of the word "garbage" in the phrase which may have pertained to bfather.

As far as expectations: I wanted whatever relationship my bdaughter wanted; I fully understood (although didn't know really what was technically right or wrong) she may not want any kind of relationship with me. I waited 3 days after my oldest daughter found her before I could get enough nerve up to call her for myself. I felt so ashamed and worried about rejection from her (which I felt I deserved since I relinquished her). Then, after the re-union, everything snowballed. They moved to my state (even though I felt I was not ready...everything moving too fast) and I tried so hard to develop a relationship with bdaughter. She requested me not to treat her any different than her other siblings ( I tried my best to abide). On the other hand, they didn't like our big family gatherings (which we always had) and she felt that I should spend more time with her and her children than with my other children and their children (she told this to my oldest daughter). Whenever I disagreed with anything she said, she blew up. I became a bundle of nerves and then my health began failing (adrenal shock/shutdown). All the rules were being made by my bdaughter and because I wanted so badly for her to be apart of my life I tried to make it work but finally had to stop because she was causing me too much pain. Now, they have informed the family they are moving back to their home state and want nothing more to do with me. What did I do wrong? What expectations did I push on her? I am so confused and hurt.

[mamabee]

Cute: Again...thanks for your support. Your kind words meant a great deal.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Jackie,

If you have told him why does he keep on asking?

The one who's name is on file at the agency was my boyfriend.. He looks like him..
I told him he looks like him.. I believe he wants to connect with the man.

He wants me to call the agency and get the name.. and start a search..

He knows that this man may not be his birthfather..

What you said yesterday has helped me a lot.. I am not perfect.. I am not perfect.. I am not perfect..

I am okay.. today.. I have pulled myself out of my terror..

Jackie

[mamabee]

Jackie...How do you feel about being the one who has to search for bfather? I mean...I honestly do not know 100 % and I told my bdaughter, but I also told her the names of the two it could be and the one I was almost certain it is. Although she showed no interest in wanting to know the bfather, I told her I would direct in her in the right direction in which she can find them but I personally could not be the one to contact him or them.

Please do not blame yourself for not knowing...this should be the least of your worries and for someone to make you feel this way, I don't understand.

[dpen6]

Jackie,

I am glad you are feeling better. As far as his birthfather goes....it really is up to him and not you. The only thing you could do is get the name. Then it truly is in his court. It potentially is his father..not yours. You are finished with this guy. I also had another name given to me as a potential birth father. my birthmom was married to him, then seperated and became pregnat with me shortly after. When I met her sister she felt that I looked just like him as did my #2 son. I saw some grainy pictures and was convinced this was the guy(he was also easier to find), I wrote to him, told him the situation in a very matter of fact way. Told him that their was a achnace I could be his and was he interested in doing DNA on my dime. He conntacted me and was very open as was the rest of his family. We e-mailed pictures and saw a family resemblence. The dna was done....hepaid for his half(really an awesome guy) and the DNA was negative...so it was back to square one and have not had any luck in finding bdad since. Actually a little gun shy about it. Any way, the reason I went in to all of that was so you could see what your son could do...it really is up to him...after you have found out the name. Is it on the orginal BC?

Jackie, stay in the reality...what is is!!

Donna

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by mamabee

Then, after the re-union, everything snowballed. They moved to my state (even though I felt I was not ready...everything moving too fast) and I tried so hard to develop a relationship with bdaughter.

snipped some..

Now, they have informed the family they are moving back to their home state and want nothing more to do with me. What did I do wrong? What expectations did I push on her? I am so confused and hurt.

I do not think I could have done what you have done.. If my bson had of moved to my area I would have been very uncomfortable..

I can remember (and have been thinking about this) how the judge told me.. (a person had to stand before a judge in Florida in the sixties.. this after three months after the birth)
How the judge told me that I must cease and desist thinking of my son.. as my son..
He made me perform like a child by telling him the reason why I was giving him up.. then gave me a lecture on never ever thinking of him as my child again..
How in the heck do we change that back? I honestly wonder if it is possible..
I know that some have been able to do this.. I applaud them..

When we raise our kids we change and grow with them.. and if there is a problem.. we have years of past history to fall back on and memories of great love.. Or memories of familiarity..
I believe it helps us when the going gets tough..

You are taking care of you... And there are things we can not make better.. But I understand your pain.. boy oh boy do I understand..

I have been on the net for over ten years.. I have read about a lot of reunions.. Close intimate relationships in the early days of reunion do not seem to work out that often.. I believe that you will find the same thing if you read blogs and posts about this.. And maybe it is best she move away and take some time outs.. Maybe she will have a heart to heart with herself and understand that what she was asking for .. you could not give..

No blame..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by dpen6

As far as his birthfather goes....it really is up to him and not you. The only thing you could do is get the name. Then it truly is in his court. It potentially is his father..not yours. You are finished with this guy..

I appreciate you writing about what you have gone through on terms of your birthfather..
It is incredibly difficult trying to remember dates.. and time..
At the time I told my parents that the birthfather was my boyfriend.. We split up just before I got pregnant.. But I do not know that I was pregnant..
I have sat and written down my memories of that time.. I even traveled to Boston and sat in the Commons and journaled.. I tried to remember the timeline..

I have not seen the original birth certificate.. I did not get any paperwork when I relinquished.. I did get the hospital records.. and photocopied them and gave them to my bson when he came for a visit..
But.. maybe I will be able to call the agency now.. Your birthmom went through this in the fifties.. I am not alone.. in this..
And I think that because of all the secrets and lies that were rife in those days.. you and my bson end up not knowing something as important as this..

And it is genes.. I see my grandbabies and I am okay not knowing them intimately.. Just knowing they are having a life is enough.. I sometimes congratulate myself on starting that family..

I AM a little more comfortable with this now..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by mamabee

Jackie...How do you feel about being the one who has to search for bfather? I mean...I honestly do not know 100 % and I told my bdaughter, but I also told her the names of the two it could be and the one I was almost certain it is. .

Its a door I do not want to open.. The boyfriend treated me very badly.. I think he was married.. I remember finding a wedding portrait of him.. I can remember asking him and I do not remember the reply..

I hardly ever read the threads about birthfathers..

Jackie

[Montraviatommyg]

mamabee, you didn't do anything wrong and did everything you could do to make your daughter part of your family. She wanted everything her way without you setting any boundaries so when you did she didn't like. You shouldn't be made to feel bad about that as you are a human being not a door mat. I mean that in the nicest possible way as we, as original mothers, do carry a great deal of guilt for relinquishing so want to do what we can for a good reunion. However reality is that there needs to be boundaries on BOTH sides for reunion to work. I also learnt the hard way of the need for boundaries. When I was first reunited with my son his attitude was that it was all about him and not about me . I wasn't thinking straight as I was so happy that he wanted contact yet I quickly realized it was about me as well as I had to relive bad memories. Like you I needed boundaries and everytime I tried to inplement any my son would kick off. Each time I was the "baddie" even though they were sensible boundaries like not wanting phone calls at 2-3 am for a chat. Although my son did come round each time he would make me suffer for days. Now that things have gone badly wrong between us I am not reaching out this time as I know the sensible thing is for both of us to have time out.

Pip