[ingodshands]

Hi All

I would love to hear from birthmom's. The question I would like to know the answer to is :

"What have you missed the most, over the years since relinquishing your child, what do you wish the most that you could have done or said for your child, while they were growing up?"

I hope some of you are willing to share, and open your hearts

Collette

[coco11]

What I have missed the most, Almost everthing! I miss that I couldnt hold my son. I miss that I couldnt see him grow up and become a man. I miss I couldnt have been there to help him through the hard times. I have the wisdom now i didnt then and wish I could change my decision. I didnt have a choice to give him up or not I was 16 and my choice was made for me more or less. I do regret it and did the day I signed those papers. I only pray his life was good and we may meet some day. I will never give up or quit searching. He is in my heart and soul. I hope I am in hi Son born In Danville Il. 5/73

[ingodshands]

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I hope that by sharing them it eases your pain a little. I am sorry that your choices were made for you. How hard that must have been. Glad you are not giving up on searching, one day hopefully you will be able to tell your bson just how much you have missed him.

Good luck with your searching.

Collette

[SchmennaLeigh]

Firsts and favorites.

Any first and any favorite.

Further explained here: http://journals.adoption.com/?do=showentry&e=136

[79nic]

Physical contact. Tucking her in at night, cuddling, holding her when she's sick, brushing her hair, holding her hand when crossing a street, butterfly kisses, hugs for no reason.

Once we were at an outdoor music concert, and she took me by the hand and led me down closer to the stage. My heart practically broke just feeling her little three-year-old hand in mine.

[ingodshands]

Re: Firsts and favorites.

I took a look at that link to your journal and read your post about firsts and favourites.

Bless your heart. I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes reading it.

This is one of the reasons I started this thread. Hoping I could get some birthmom's to share some of their most inner feelings with me, and the rest of the forum. I don't know if it helps by sharing. I hope so....

Collette

[ingodshands]

Oh god, this is hard. It's hard for me even to read how you ladies are suffering, I can't imagine how it really feels to be in your shoes for one second. I take my hat off to you all for the courage you have shown in replying with such honesty and emotion.

Collette

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Everything. Watching her become the little girl who in attitude is exactly like me and my daughter. Wow. Just everything.

[scarlet52698]

I'd have to agree with everything too. Now that I'm a parent it really has hit home how much I missed out on with my bson. The cuddling, calming fears in the night, clapping and hearing him say "Mommy look at me, look at me". The hugs, the kisses, the "I can do it myself mommy" times. All of it I missed

I too was 16 and not really given a choice in my decision. I do believe it was the right thing for my son, but even knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

[meganlea]

I am a bmom who decided on adoption almost 3 years ago! I am currently married and have a son on the way! What do I miss the most? Nothing! Why you may ask, becuase my birth son has a wonderful family that keeps me informed about everthing. I was able to carry a child when they could not and now I am bless with a son on the way, a wonderful husband, financial stability and knowing my first son, 2 fabulous people that had the blessing to raise him and be called mom and dad after their 3 invetro's failed and 1 natural pregnancy failed! My choice was an easy one because God blessed my in that way. I don't feel like I reliqueshed my son I feel like we (God, Jaden and myself) gave a family the child they could not have on their own. What will I say to Jaden when he is able to understand. "Jaden thank you for being a gift to your MOM and DAD, they found their perfect son in me when they couldn't carry you alone! Jaden you where the key that fit into a lock that made a family complete and with out making it through your pregnancy that would not have happened! I love you!!!"
P.s. Jaden has just come out of ear and tonsil surgery a OK and the Amom called to let me know he was doing well! Blessed once again!

[ingodshands]

When I said what do birthmom's miss the most from not raising their child, I wasn't implying that they have regrets. I think even the birthmom's that are most certain that they done the right thing when they relinquished their child, must at one time or another have thoughts along the lines, of " I miss not being able to do such and such with he/she". Or "wouldn't it have been nice if I could have seen such and such happen?"

Maybe some don't. You are very lucky in the fact that it sounds as if you have a fairly open adoption, and wonderful aparents that keep you completely up to date and informed of what is happening in your childs life. Some birthmom's are not so lucky. You have been blessed!

Glad to hear Jaden has come out of surgery OK, and how thoughtful of his aparents to call and let you know. Looks like Jaden is a lucky boy, and has the love of two families.

Collette

[numbr1dbcksfan]

"Jaden thank you for being a gift to your MOM and DAD, they found their perfect son in me when they couldn't carry you alone! Jaden you where the key that fit into a lock that made a family complete and with out making it through your pregnancy that would not have happened! I love you!!!"

You think of your son as a gift for other people....and you think that he should think of himself as that??
Just want to know if I interpereted that correctly.

OK... more importantly, though.
What will you tell him about YOUR feelings about him? No doubt he will have already heard the "God sent us you as a 'gift' spiel".

You would really tell him...that you missed nothing???

Im not sure how I feel about that. (Not that my feelings count....) But if I were the asking child...I may be crushed.

Three years is still very new. Welcome Megan.

[Montraviatommyg]

What a question! Everything - holding him, watching him take his first steps, first word, first tooth, first day at school, the list goes on.

Montraviatommygun
Bmum in reunion with bson

[FauxClaud]

Ahhh..I wrote this a while ago..it fits here:


I just got back from Pumpkin picking with my two little ones and a very dear friend.
We had a lovely lunch in a sweet café, even though I told her that I was scared to bring my kids to such a nice place and we really should consider Friendlies instead, she insisted, childless and naive, that it would be fine and true to the laws of nature, I said it would be a disaster and my kids did the opposite and behaved perfectly! I can’t believe we got away with it!
Then we went to a real farm where the pumpkins are still on the vines. A perfect fall day, slightly overcast with a view of the fields and mountains awash with color. We trudged through the fields, over mounds, tripping over vines, stopping to check out sunflowers and different weeds, in search of the perfect pumpkin. Laughing at my young one who was consistently shocked and amazed every time he came across another broken rotten pumpkin, “Look! Nother one boken one!!..and nother one here!!” Then hiking back to the car with our orange treasures in tow.
Once we loaded up from one field, Yella and I sat on the open hatch back of my car and finished our coffee while my monsters ran back and forth to the apple trees picking and eating endless apples. They were amusing. They were cute. They were having a wonderful time. I know these are the days that childhood memories are made of.
All and all a very perfect and lovely fall day.
This is what I miss..
There will be no memories of perfect pumpkin days with my oldest son. Yes, I am sure his parents are great and he has the proper days in his past, and if I am lucky, maybe someday I will get to see the pictures, but never will I feel his cold cheeks against mine after a day in the field. Never will I brush the dirt off his tiny hinee after he loses his footing over a “punkin too big”. Never will I be presented with the gift of a half chewed apple and truly be touched. These moments belong to someone else and my chances of being part are gone, gone, gone.
17 trips to the pumpkin patch
17 handmade Halloween costumes
17 over exited Christmas Eves
17 crack of dawn groggy Christmas mornings
17 Easter egg hunts
17 handmade mothers day gifts
17 birthday parties
17 times to teach to heirloom stuffing recipe for Thanksgiving
6205 kisses good night
678 boo-boos kissed
2,160 bed time stories
2,340 tickle fights
85 trips to the doctor
18,367 hugs
408 nights of interrupted sleep
68 pairs of shoes
12 back to school shopping trips and 12 first days of school
48 celebratory good report card dinners
468 instances of monsters under the bed
555,165 times to say “stop teasing your brother!” *
Did I know what I would really be missing? No, I didn’t then. But as I watched my children playing in the fields today something inside me hurt. I know what I am missing now. You just don’t know what motherhood is like until you live it and by the time I figured it out, I had already given up my first chance.
18, 615 smiles for me……..gone.

[FatBirdy]

To every bmom posting here especially eggymother24 - I'm a reunited and later rejected adoptee. I wish my bmom missed these things/opportunities with me. Good luck to all in your search or reunion with your bchild(children).