[sspete]

I LOVE Christmas, and it has always been VERY special to me!!! While it is VERY "retail"oriented I tend to ignore that the best I can and focus on "MY" real reason for Christmas which is the birth of "MY" Savior!!!

Anyway.....To my point......This will be the first Christmas in 19 years That I have known where my bdaughter is and that she is "OKAY"!!! My heart has missed her SO very much during this time of year for her whole life, that most can only imagine my Joy this year!!!! Well, she is taking our reunion VERY slowly and I respect and honor her decision...She is certainly able to do anything she wants with our relationship. While I am feeling a STRONG desire to do many nice things for her I know I should just back off (which I am doing) and allow her to lead the relationship. However, I must say that I REALLY wanted to get her a birthstone ring this year to honor her birth and my finding her. I have not received a letter from her since mid October so I asked her aparents if they thought I should or should not do it. Her Afather (who I trust VERY much) advised me to wait. So that is what I am doing.....He thinks she is probably not at a place for this yet. While feeling a little sad I took his advice....He is right!!! Reunions are SO STRANGE and hard to understand!!!! I sent her something small and unsentimental, but it is SO HARD!!!!!! I REALLY wanted her to have something NICE!!!! OH WELL.....I must be patient!!!!! What are your thoughts Y'all.......Staci NEEDS feedback!!!!! Happy Holidays to EVERYONE.....MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH ALL AT VERIOUS STAGES IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS!!!!! Staci.....

[FatBirdy]

Hi Staci - I think that it is very important to respect your bdaughter's wishes on a slow reuinion (and I know you are!) I don't see anything wrong with sending your bdaughter a ring with her birthstone, in fact I think it's lovely and symbolic, but since you already asked adad I would maybe save that one for her birthday. I think that you need to take it slow but I also think that in this case you need to let your bdaughter know that you are always there. I think you should write your bdaughter a lovely Merry Christmas letter and tell her that you wanted to send her a gift but didn't because you didn't want to be pushy; however, there was no way that you could not let this precious holiday go by without saying hello. Tell her how happy you are to know that she is well and that this Christmas has special meaning to you becasue it's the first one that you know how she is. Let her know that you will be thinking of her and will be there for her whenever she is ready. Let her know that you respect her wishes and will totally follow her lead - so not to get antsy about this contact. Let her know that you will be thinking of her on Christmas - and as always - and that you would love to hear from her....when she is ready. Be honest without being over bearing........how could anyone take offence to that?? Good luck!....actually, if I was her - I would be surprised if my bmom didn;t even send a Christmas Card.....it's the right thing to do - if only to say I am thinking of you.

[sspete]

Thank You Fatbirdy for replying!!!! You are a sweetheart!!! I did send her a card with a "gift certificate" from her favorite store. Her adad thought this was best right now anyway!!! Her bday is in January and I am already thinking of what to send her, but I have to go SLOW and steady.....YOU ARE RIGHT!!!! Thanks...Staci

[FatBirdy]

You're more than welcome...I wish I could offer more/better advice! As for the xmas GC - that's a perfect gift! As for the bday present I really think that a birth stone ring would be the perfect bday gift - I really don't see why that is a big deal....but if adad said it is too much you should folllow his advice. Here is just an idea - I recently had my first bday after being reunited with my bmom - she sent me a digital camera so I could send her pics.....it was a great present and a great way for her to see me..... every once in a while she reminds me to send her photos, especially if she knows I have a big event to go to etc. It's easy! Also, they seem to come in a variety of price ranges and maybe you could find one in an after-xmas sale?? Just a thought!

[shirleyville]

Staci,
This is the first Christmas where I've known who and where my birthmom is, as well....and it's incredibly bitter sweet. I remember this time last year, sitting on pins and needles as my CI was "on the search"...and my disappointment when she said that she was discontinuing everything until after the holidays. I kept holding on to the fact that it would be my last Christmas without my birthmom....and of course, in a way, I suppose, it was.
Because I will honor her desire for no contact, I won't be sending cards or gifts, but I hope that in some small way, she will know, in her heart, that I'm thinking of her and wishing her peace.
Hugs,
Sally

[ladybuglady]

Hi!

I think the ring will be a precious gift, no matter when you give it, so just hold on to it until the time is right. It will be better for her to get it when she is ready then when she is not, it will mean more to her, I think. The other thing you could do is send it to the adad and ask him to give it to her when he feels it would be right. It is good to give her the room she needs because in the long run, it will be better and the relationship will be stronger because of the respect that is involved.

I am sure it is hard to be patient, but your daughter will appreciate the time she has to think everything out. I hope you have a happy holiday!

LBL

[sspete]

Thanks ladybug.....I know you are right.....patience is the KEY!!!!!

Sally....I feel your pain!!!! It just seems so strange that they are at our finger tips, but yet SO far away!!!!

Fatbirdy.....I LOVE the digital camera idea!!!! TOOO CUTE!!!!

Thanks Y'all....Staci

[l-thompson]

sspete:

When I reunited with my birthparents - face to face in July 2003, my first mother and first father gave me a gift of jewellery. My first Dad placed around my neck a St Christopher pendant in gold and said for me to wear it always.
I have never taken it off - it means the world to me.
I know too that my first meeting with my birthparents may also be my last - I live in New Zealand, they live in Canada ( long story)
Just to let you know that I absolutely cherish this necklace and every night before I sleep I hold it close to my heart and whisper goodnight to them both.

[sspete]

What a precious Gift!!!! I look forward to the day my bdaughter responds as you have......Your bparents are Blessed to have you!!!! Staci

[sonata]

My birthmother gave me a birthstone ring on my first birthday after our reunion (my 40th!). It is a perfect gift. I am wearing it now.

I don't think it would be too "pushy" of you to give that to your daughter for her birthday this month. It is a memento that will have meaning for a lifetime and I think she will come to appreciate it more and more as she gets older.

Best wishes with your reunion. I think you are doing very well to show restraint since she seems to want to take it slowly. You have a lifetime to gradually develope a relationship with her but in the meantime you know that she is fine and well and she knows that you are there and love her.

[sspete]

Sonata....Thanks for your reply!!!! I don't think giving the ring to her right now is a good idea. I have not heard from her at all since Mid October even after sending her several small gifts for Thanksgiving and Christmas......SOOOOO I don't know!!!! I am going to send her something that she will like, but it is still small and non-threatening....I hope anyway!!!! She is SO hard to read, and I really don't know what she is thinking. I would rather know the truth than nothing at all. My reaction with anyone else would be to back off TOTALLY, but with her I just can't do it. I don't feel it is right unless she says so of course......Meanwhile, I send little things here and there as she told her aparents in the summer that this was okay?????? Thanks again......Staci

[FatBirdy]

Again - I want to remind you - no news is good news! Unless she tells you to leave - DON'T! I totally understand that with everyone else you would back off - but even though this is an anxious waiting period for you I really think that you are making a large contribution to your reuinion. You are demonstrating to your daughter that you will not leave her again (HUGE fear) and that you will still be there through her silence. When you send her letters and small gifts you are letting her know that you care about her and are thinking of her....even when she doesn't let you know that you are thinking about her in return. Since she relayed to you through her aparents that this is Ok - keep up the good work! Good luck!

[sspete]

Thanks Again Birdy!!!!! I do believe that you are RIGHT!!!! I do think it is a fear of me leaving or not being sincere. She is testing the waters, and I don't want her or I to sink!!!! Now that I have found her I will NEVER turn my back on her......She is my Child, and I love her deeply!!! God only knows how she feels, but I do believe she is motivated by fear!!! I want to ease those fears, and be there for her. Opening her heart to me is going to be difficult for her. After all she is her bmother's child, and I DON"T let people in very Easy!!! Thanks Fat Birdy.....I really believe you are right on target. It sure helps to hear from you!!!! Staci

[sonata]

I hope I remembered this right, but didn't you say your daughter is only 19? If she is like the typical 19 year old, she is out "stretching her wings", starting college, things like that. This is a time of new independence and impending adulthood. Probably at this stage in her life she is finally "free" of parental control and revelling in it. So maybe - just for now! - the thought of having "another mother" in her life doesn't have the same meaning that it will when she gets a little older.

Give her some time. (I know you have been!) You and she are definitely at different places in your life. I don't think her reticence is a rejection. It is just typical of her age and stage of life. (I have two sons in their early 20's so I can speak from experience here.) Take care... Sonata

[sspete]

Yes, she is 19 and away at college for the first time!!!!! I know from experience what that feels like!!!! You are RIGHT!!! I believe in time she will come around, and I will be right here waiting with OPEN ARMS.......

Staci