[FatBirdy]

A question for all bmoms. Knowing what you know now, after placing your child for adoption, what would you do differently? Would you do it again? What worked out well? What regrets do you have? I'm just trying to understand...thanks!

[l-thompson]

Good Question Fat Birdy
I have wanted to ask a similiar one myself. I will look forward to the responses along with yourself.
I know everyones response will be different because every story behind relinguishment is unique to that birthmom but it will be nice to hear their answers.

[belueiris]

I think those are legitimate questions. I am a birthmother (I can only speak for myself).
I feel that the decision I made 18 years ago was in the best interest of my child, and I still feel that way today. I do not mean that in an altruistic way, it was also the best decision for me at that time. I was in no position to raise a child, financially, emotionally or spiritually. I would not have been a very fit mother. I am a recovering alcoholic and at that time could not take care of myself much less a child, it is only by God's grace that I am not the person I once was. I have dealt with all the shame, guilt and remorse, and have no regrets in regards to my decision. I can not change the past or what I once was so there is no need for me to delve into the "what if's", things can not be different and I accept that.
Today I am clean and sober and would love to meet my child, if that is her wish, if not I will have to accept that. I do feel that if I have the opportunity to meet her that it is necessary that I be open and honest with her, it would serve her or myself no good to be anything less.
Maybe this isnt the kind of response you were looking for, but it is an honest one.
I hope you all the best.
Your Friend
Tammie

[sspete]

Although choosing adoption for my bdaughter was the most difficult of my life, I still know today 19 years later that I did the right thing for her!!! My home was filled with much heartache with my parents impending divorce, my fathers drinking to much and my mother hating it!!! I knew at 16 I was totally unfit and so were my parents!!!

Of the things I regret.....It is not having a semi open adoption where I could have kept up with her, and how she was doing. This may have been harder on me than I realize, but in my mind now, I think it would have been great???? I just don't know!!! I also wish that I would have spent more than 20 minutes with her at birth. I did get to hold her, but it was so short. If I had to do it again I would keep her in the room with me MUCH longer.

I hope this helps a little.... Staci

[Brwneyedgrl321]

<what would you do differently?>
not to have sex with the sprem donor and prove that my mother was wrong.
<Would you do it again?>
in a heart beat.
<What worked out well?>
everything. I know that she has everything I wanted her to have.
<What regrets do you have?>
none.

leia

[FatBirdy]

Thanks so much for your honest replys. I am at least glad that my bmom is not the only one who doesn't regret keeping me. You know, I have a burning desire to hear from my bmom that she missed me all these years and that if she could do it all over again, that she would keep me....but I'm painfully aware that is not the case. Now that she knows me (quite well) and that she still doesn't wish that she raised me....wow, it's a hard pill to swallow.

[belueiris]

She probably did miss you or atleast think about you over the years, she is probably being realistic when saying she wouldnt change things, perhaps she was in no shape herself to raise a child. I know it has to be difficult for you to hear the truth from her, but it took a lot of courage for her to tell it and she probably did not want to start your new relationship based on lies.
Hopefully you have a chance at a happy healthy relationship, that is based on trust and honesty. Keep us posted!!
Your Friend
Tammie

[tsomerset]

make sure that ALL of my information would be available to my daughter if she chose to contact me. As a birthmother, I can only tell of the empty feeling that I had when I left the hospital without my daughter. I don't know how parents survive losing a baby to death. I think the only thing that helped me survive this separation was knowing that someone could provide a more stable life for my daughter. I had initially wanted to keep my baby. I purchased clothing, crib, bottles, etc...all doing babysitting as a 16 year old. My decision to relinquish my child only came to me when I realized that I was feeling dependent on this new life to love and comfort ME. It wasn't fair to her. I think about my baby EVERYDAY. Even though she's now a grown woman. I hope that all of the future dreams I had for her came true. To my daughter: I would love to see you and know you. I would never turn you away. When I gave you up, it wasn't meant to reject you---only to do what was best for you! My heart has had an empty, aching feeling in the place where you should be! **ISO BIRTHDAUGHTER, BORN 4/30/79 IN NEWPORT NEWS, VA

[tsomerset]

make sure that ALL of my information would be available to my daughter if she chose to contact me. As a birthmother, I can only tell of the empty feeling that I had when I left the hospital without my daughter. I don't know how parents survive losing a baby to death. I think the only thing that helped me survive this separation was knowing that someone could provide a more stable life for my daughter. I had initially wanted to keep my baby. I purchased clothing, crib, bottles, etc...all doing babysitting as a 16 year old. My decision to relinquish my child only came to me when I realized that I was feeling dependent on this new life to love and comfort ME. It wasn't fair to her. I think about my baby EVERYDAY. Even though she's now a grown woman. I hope that all of the future dreams I had for her came true. To my daughter: I would love to see you and know you. I would never turn you away. When I gave you up, it wasn't meant to reject you---only to do what was best for you! My heart has had an empty, aching feeling in the place where you should be! **ISO BIRTHDAUGHTER, BORN 4/30/79 IN NEWPORT NEWS, VA

[kittysnak]

my children were taken away from me by the state, they said that because the father was a drug addict and drunk i had to be one too , they said a single mom could not handle all of these kids and even with my familys help it would not be good for them, and finaly the father himself threatened them , i was affraid of him and had been running from him for years so when they came i gave up , what would i change? i would not have given up , i would not listen to court appointed lawyers and cousolers , i would have fought the way they do dirty., i would hold them close and protect them . i will live the rest of my life bleeding inside because i did not know then what i know now, i canot see them , i do not know where they are i would give my life to know if they are happy. so be glad you know at least a little about the one you love , there are worse things in life bleeding in texas.

[JenDoane]

I would have educated myself on adoption and not just listen to what the agency said. I would not have believed everything the agency and aparents told me. I would have tried to stand up to my parents and convince them to let me keep my child.

Jennifer

[Decision]

It was my decision to keep my child, it was the doctor who delivered my son who thought otherwise.
What would have I done differently?? tough question, I think back and wonder if I would have had my child alone in my home town and not went to be with my mother if I would have had the pleasure of raising my son.
Its very difficult to think of the what if's and what I should have done differently.
I did not even know what adoption meant until four years ago...and I lost my son in 1988!
Would have I done it again...
with what I know now?? no way would I ever subject my child or myself to that kind of pain. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction.
Regrets...
I am not certian if I feel regret for the loss of my son, regret is something you feel after you have done a intentional wrong, I have not done this, I do have guilt over what my son may or may not have to go through if and when he is curious enough to seek me out. I have guilt over the fact that my son may have believed all his life that he was abandoned by me. But not regret.
I couldnt do anything differently my sons adoption was totally out of my control. At the moment I am advocating for the rights of teens who find themselves pregnant in hopes that no teen will ever go through what I endured.
Hugs
Melissa

[Decision]

Fat Birdy
I would love to tell my son how much I have missed him, I would love to shower him with all the love that has been blossoming over the years, BUT I wouldnt for two reasons, one because there is no way he would ever believe that I do love him, second because I would be terrified of pushing him away, even if he wanted to hear those words I would be leary of sharing those feelings with him.
My dh calls me cold hearted because I do have the ability to close of any feeling I have, something that saved me all the years that I did not know were my son was.
I wish that I would have had the pleasure of raising my son, I wanted so bad to be the one to kiss him goodnight, to scold him when he was bad, to teach him to ride his bike ect. That did not happen, nor will it ever, my son is 15 years old and has been parented. I cannot for my own mental well being allow myself to what if myself about parenting my son. So now I always say I would not want to raise my son, I dont want to raise my son. He is were he was meant to be,
I will say these words until I believe them, for one day when I meet my son It will be a man with a set of parents and I dont want him nor his parents to feel that I will ever take anything away that they have/had together.
Just my take hun
Hugs
Melissa

[Juscuz]

Fatbirdy that is a tough one........for me being a bmom, I have never stopped thinking of my bson all his 23 years of life, not to say that I didn't go on, because I did. My life path would definately have been different if I had raised him myself. I would have also educated myself and gotten more advice from my parents, counselors and such. My mom was willing to help me and bring the child up with me, but I didn't know this until after I placed my son, she felt I was old enought to make the decision and was my choice.

Things were not going well for me and I could not have raised him in such a wonderful environment as he has had. I can't say whether or not he'd still be the wonderful loving man I know today, or if he'd be angry and upset child turned to angry and upset man not knowing his bdad or having been brought up with me living paycheck to paychck and struggling.

I'm sure I did the right thing back then. Now that he's back in my life, I'd love to let it blossom to where it can go without crossing the lines of his adoptive parents and his life. I know I'll never be nor do I ever want to try to be his mom, I know I'll never fill that special place that only *moms* can fill., but I'm willing to be wherever it is in that place where he wants me to be without crossing the lines.

I feel somehow I need to *make up* to him for all those years, but I can't and I we go on, and take it one day at a time.

[Sharon]

Ahhh... I would've insisted on my own legal representation; because I was a juvenile, because I didn't really understand the process, because it would've been useful to me to have the legalities of it explained to me by an unbiased third party, someone who did not stand to gain financially from my decision to place my child.
Had I understood the laws surrounding adoption in my state, I probably would've temporarily relocated in order to place my child in another state where the laws are more favorable to birthmothers and adoptees.
That's about it.
~ Sharon