[sehooke]

I was reunited with my bmom end of June and we were able to meet in Sept. in SFO. It went great and we are in contact weekly. I have even talked w/ her Mom (my bio grandmother) she is very happy to have "new family", as she put it , at her age-86. I am planning on going out there next month to visit both. However, my bfather (maybe I should refer to him as sperm donor) is not being very receptive. I have talked with him about 4 times and received an envelope with lots of copied pictures. However, the last time I spoke to him (early Sept.) he said he is not mad I contacted him but also not enthusiastic, he also mentioned he has been expecting my head to pop up for the last 10 years. This has caused a ripple in his marriage of 5 years with his wife 22 years junior to him!!!!! He neglected to tell her this little bit of info.!!!!!!!!!

I sent a medical history form and a very brief to the point note asking for him to please complete and return in the self adressed stamped envelope provided. I figure he knows where I am if he wants a relationship, or even to just meet. At first I was very hurt by his attitude tword me and now I am thinking maybe he is doing me a favor. He is a retired physician, and I think has a lot of family issues. So, maybe it is for the best. However, I have not received the form back! I would think, to close a chapter on this he would fill it out and send it off. Especially being in the medical field himself, knowing the importance of this information. I started looking a year ago and came to this realization of the need for this search of both bio parents, after my young son was diagnosed with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder. I don't know if he is in denial of me and his grandson. (found out on bmom's side 2 cousins bp)or what. I do not feel that I should contact him again. He should be thrilled to to know me and my family especially since he has no children of his own! But I guess he does not feel this way.

What do you all think?

Suz

[clmsie]

UGH- Bfathers, that is a hard one. I know that not all are like this but the son I had with this man ( boy at the time ) ----- for once came out and said after all these years that he does not feel the same hope to meet our son as I do someday and that it does not really feel like anything to him because he never had to bond with the baby as he puts it..... So when I read what you said -----------or should I say " sperm donor" that is what I thought of --- HIM. It really burns me that he is like that, he loves kids still does not have any of his own and is a good person with a big heart so I just do not get it. I am not sure why some bfathers are like that but I can say that I am told that boys take longer to come around then girls as adoptees and unfourtunatly I think it is the same with some of the bfathers. I think they take longer to come around. I hope some day my ex does come around because it is a very lonely feeling going through this alone and not having anyone connected to your situation to talk to.It's heart breaking really. I feel sorry for him, and alone in the triad for me. So with that said.... I hope he comes around some day and I also hope your bfather does as well , for his sake really ---------
I wish you all the best.
Clmsie

[Richard Justin]

Hi Clmsie and Sehooke. I'm not sure if you are seeking a discussion of birthfathers or just people to commiserate with over less than successful reunion experiences, but for what it's worth, here is my contribution.

I am a bfather who searced for and found a son about three years ago. While the reunion itself continues to be successful- that is, we have an on-going friendly relationship without trying to be "family"- there were several difficult issues to resolve along the way. My wife knew about this son from a previous relationship for twenty-five years before I started the search process. Still, it was very difficult for her for a while, as she worried about how a search might affect our own family. It took us a couple of years to work through that, and she still wasn't entirely comfortable until she actually saw that my reunion with my son didn't upset our kids or our extended family. Since I was the searcher, I had the chance to work on the issue as long as needed before the search. Sehooke, your father is having to deal with those types of issues without prewarning and, as you pointed out, with some explaining to do. Please be patient and give him time. He does have an obligation to his wife. Her life is being affected, and perhaps in ways you know nothing about.

As preparation for my search for my son, I first found the bmother. She was very gracious in meeting with me, but told me she didn't want to be involved in a search at that time. She also leaned toward feeling that it should be the child's option to make first contact. She did give me information about the birth to help my search, though. Then when I did commense the search two years later, she became quite angry and accused me of being selfish. I still don't have an explanation for those mixed messages because she has requested no more contact with me. I only have to assume that there were issues in her life that I know nothing about that affected her readiness for a reunion.
My point in sharing this is that either bfathers or bmothers may have personal reasons for how they react to search/reunion that are not easily seen by others in the triad, especially if there are preconcieved notions of how that person "should" feel. The one searching/finding bears the burden of patience while the found party does the real work of being found.

I can't resist responding to the "sperm donor" comments. If that's how the man was percieved at the time of the relationship with the bmother, then I gues the title fits. But if it being assigned decades later as an epithet of scorn or derision, then it is just a projection of some ones anger or disappointment. That kind of name-calling will only broaden the chasm of emotional pain and poor communication. It is not a path to understanding and closeness.

I hope both of you find what you are seeking on your journeys.

Rich

[dl]

"I can't resist responding to the "sperm donor" comments. If that's how the man was perceived at the time of the relationship with the bmother, then I guess the title fits. But if it being assigned decades later as an epithet of scorn or derision, then it is just a projection of some ones anger or disappointment. That kind of name-calling will only broaden the chasm of emotional pain and poor communication. It is not a path to understanding and closeness."

I agree with Richard Justin. I have long felt that the feelings of many bfathers are very underestimated.

We have seen many posts by searching adoptees that have had bmothers that will not allow contact or even give medical history. This is usually greeted with a chorus of give her understanding, give her time, it's her pain etc. There are equally offensive names in the same context as "sperm donor" that could be used, but they're not. Why is this same understanding not offered to bfathers?

There is a current active thread where a bfather was contacted by a daughter he did not even know he had. Not his fault that the bmother lied to him. I have recently been exchanging letters with my bfather and he is very warm, receptive and seems like a very kind man. Just as all bmothers are not the same, neither are all bfathers. I think judgment should be reserved and understanding offered ~ one just might be surprised. JMO.

[sehooke]

Suz here.
I apologize if I insulted anyone with my "sperm donor" comment.
In my situation my biodad was not supportive of her or the situation. They did not even make the decision together. He just told her "you've done this before you can do it again." (She had a child 2 yrs prior with a different man and she gave that child up for adoption too-so I have a half brother out there somewhere)

The mere fact that all three or four of our conversations have been very akward is enough. I can aknowledge the fact that this has been very hard on him and has pretty much rocked the world as he once knew it. The first time I talked to him it was about 90 minutes and in that time frame he referred to himself as a "Male whore", commented that he hoped he never dated me as he likes 'em young, and never has used birthcontrol ever!!!!
So, as you can see my feelings and respect are given for what he has earned. Very little. I got the feeling he was drinking quite heavily that night. A sad realization if he does have a drinking problem. And as my father (my real one-my adopted father) has always said -He is better to be pittyed that scorned.

It is just really amazing to me how one side of the triad (bmom) can be so receptive (matter of a fact she started looking for me 12 yrs ago) and open and have this yearning to connect. Yet the other has the conplete opposite. She did have the responsibility and the nine months of bonding as her body changed, went thru labor, delivery and postpartum and yet he got off so easy.
Some might think I am not justified in saying this but.........He is treating me with the respect that he gave her 36 years ago. To me it seems he has never grown up. I know not all bfathers are like this. But like I said, maybe it is a blessing in disguise.

Suz

[dl]

Your post again drives home the point that ALL situations are different. Many bfathers were not allowed to have a voice even if they wanted to (and I do acknowledge that many did not want to). Just as things were very different for bmothers years ago in many ways they were different for bfathers as well.

If he presently referred to himself as a "Male whore" perhaps he does deserve the label you have given him. Please keep in mind he did not participate in this activity by himself.

"It is just really amazing to me how one side of the triad (bmom) can be so receptive (matter of a fact she started looking for me 12 yrs ago) and open and have this yearning to connect. Yet the other has the conplete opposite."

You are very fortunate. As you read posts on this forum, you will see that many bmoms are not receptive at all. Many bmoms have rejected a searching adoptee without even speaking to them. At least your bfather spoke to you. May not have been the words you wanted to hear but at least you heard his voice. There are many adoptees that have posted that would have been so grateful to have at least heard their bmothers voice, just once.

[Richard Justin]

Sehooke, the additional information certainly clarified why you feel as you do. Your Adad sounds like a man of wisdom. Choosing to pity rather than scorn will be healthier for you and will be more likely to leave the doors of your heart open for future contacts.

I do hope you find a resolve that will bring you peace.

Rich

[Sharon]

I agree; he sounds like a sad case of arrested development. An aging man who feels compelled to brag to his own long-lost daughter about his sexual prowess can't possibly a happy or secure person. However, why join him in his vulgarity? I've seen the "sperm donor" title tossed about on this forum many times, and it's always jarring. All my adult life, I've watched the birthfather of my child (my ex-husband and dear friend) attempt to cope with his feelings of anguish, helplessness and loss. Yet I know that, given their treatment of us, my son's aparents surely consider him nothing more than a "sperm donor", if they ever consider him at all. Birthfathers in general are given far less than consideration than they deserve.
Your birthfather sounds like he has a lot of problems, deserving of pity rather than scorn. Your adad sounds like a wise man. He obviously loves you and realizes that half your genes came from this "male whore", and so perhaps he wasn't always the wretched person he now appears to be.
Best of luck to you, ~ Sharon

[Teresa K]

Thirty years ago did bfathers have to sign, or just the mother? Not trying to cause a debate over the issue, I am just curious and had never given much thought to when bfathers were given the right to parent their children.

As far as the sperm donor comments. I have used the term for fathers that only impregnate, then offer no support. Many father who place a child hurt the same as the mother. I know the father of mine certainly was not happy to learn he was tricked to sign. There is a difference, someone who could care less, and no matter what would not be around for a child. Or someone who is a great parent in any situation. Sperm donor I feel refers to someone who may as well have went to a lab, donated sperm, and never wondered what happened.

My two cents, Teresa

[Sharon]

Teresa, I'm not sure about 30 years ago, but 13 years ago, in my state, bfathers did have to sign. However, bfathers are served papers and made to sign away their rights months before the child is even born, unlike bmoms, who cannot sign until after the birth.
I'm not sure how much consideration bfather's rights or feelings are actually given in a lot of cases... I know that when I first signed with my agency, they told me that if the bfather refused to sign voluntarily when they served him the papers, it was not problem... we could just take him to court and have his rights terminated instead. They volunteered this information without me asking for it. There was never any chance that the bfather would refuse to sign... and if he had refused, I would not have taken him to court; I would've respected his decision to parent. In my mind, it was his decision as much as mine. But I don't think most adoption officials or legislators see it that way.
Every case is different; I agree that in the original poster's case, it sounds like bdad is just an irresponsible jerk. Not all bfathers are... but all of them are treated that way, more or less. It seems that their consent is just a formality. One way or the other, the decision is left to the bmom.
JMO, ~ Shar

[sehooke]

He was not required to sign 35 years ago. His name (according to bmom) is on birthcert but I was not given his last name either.

Suz

[Teresa K]

I know that 20 years ago fathers usually had to consent. But it seems 50 years ago they did not. Something to research when I have spare time.

In my case the final decision was made by the lawyers and "afamily". At this point I am uncertain if those people even had a homestudy, lots of red flags that they may not have. ..

Teresa

[clmsie]

Richard,

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I know everyone and every situation is different. Although I need to hear about the not so good reunions I also like to hear about the ones that are going well, they give me hope. So with that said thank you again.

In the state of Maine 18 years ago, bfathers did not have to sign all the bmoms had to do was sign something stating the bfather knew of the baby but did not want anything to do with him/her.

[Richard Justin]

You're welcome, Clmsie. It's helpful to me to rethink aspects of my experiences every so often, and if the sharing can be helpful to some one else- great.

My name did not appear on my son's birth certificate. I'm guessing that by not listing a father, they did not need to ask me to sign anything. I had been told to go away and never come back, and the birth mother was told (by her parents) that the child would be put up for adoption. Neither of us knew we had any right to challenge that, even though we were of legal age. Looking back, I see that we were both so burdened with guilt for our actions and fear of the future that we were willing to let the situation be "handled".

Rich

[clmsie]

Richard-

I am always rethinking what I say. This is something I need to work on, I talk then I think then I feel ( most of the time like an idiot ). I need to learn to think then feel or vise versa but definatley I need to learn how to speak last. It must be the Irish/Polish mix I have going on.

It is funny that you said that about her parents and your name not being on the birth certificate. Same thing happend with me. It is funny how some of the situations are so much a like yet different. I sometimes wonder if they even try to contact the bfathers I know they have to legally but they ( the agency ) had my sons bfathers name and he could have been easily found they never confirmed with him--- Strange how that works.

I am very glad you posted and I thank you for that again.