[djvj]

hi all - i've recently made several posts about going through a post reunion (first reunion) depression and how to handle it. my therapist suggested i write an honest letter to my daughter, i will send a copy to her amother first to make sure she thinks it is ok, but would also like any feedback any of you can offer me...is ANY of this hurtful or does any of it need to be reworded? I'm looking for honesty, not compliments, so don't worry about hurting my feelings....thanks, and here it is:

Dear E-

After the joy of our beautiful reunion, I was walking on air and feeling a deep, healing peace inside that is new for me. I truly couldn't be happier at how wonderful our time together was and how much I am looking forward to building a relationship with you and your family. But on Sunday of this week (one week after you left) I woke up feeling very alone and emotionally I began dropping back into my 17 year old self, and into the pain and grief of releasing you all those years ago. It felt overwhelming, and I knew I needed to find some support, so I went to the website I had mentioned to you, adoption.com, and shared with other birthmothers my shock and confusion at my sudden depression. Many kind woman who have been through reunions, both as birthmothers and adoptees, reassured me that this reaction is completely normal and that what I was experiencing was simply the unresolved grief of letting you go that I have carried inside my heart for the last twenty two and a half years.

I'm feeling a bit fragile right now from the weight of all these strong emotions and I just wanted to share with you the truth of what I'm going through. I am sure that it won't take a long time to get my balance back. I have my therapist and lots of support from the website and from other friends I have spoken to about this. I just need to reconcile all the years of pain that I felt while not being with you while I get used to feeling the joy of having you back in my life. I wanted to share this with you rather than pretending I am feeling perfectly fine or withdrawing from you to hide my grief. I truly want to build a healthy, strong foundation for a lifelong relationship with you and your family, and I want to stay present in the relationship as much as possible while also being true to and real in my experience of my own emotions.

One of the things I have read on the website is that some adoptees felt guilty when they saw their birthmother's going through the grief type emotions that come after reunion, as if they were somehow responsible for it. I want to be VERY clear with you that you have never caused me any pain, that these are normal reactions for mothers who were separated from their babies, and that my experiencing these emotions will ultimately lead to a deeper healing for me...this is not a "bad" thing, and I do not want you to take it on as something that is "caused" by you in any way.

E-, I want you to know that your presence in my life again after all these years is filling me up with so much love; much, much more love than I have ever been given in my entire life. Being in your life is the most beautiful gift the universe could ever give me, and even now while I am working through my difficult feelings I am still also filled with gratefulness and joy. You are an asset to my recovery from my own grief and my most perfect accomplishment in this life...

I welcome you to honestly communicate your feelings about this letter as well as anything you might be feeling post-reunion that you weren't expecting. I personally believe that honesty is the best way to deal with emotional situations, and will do my absolute best to understand and support you no matter what your feelings are.

With all the love in my heart, body and soul,
VJ

[jrainbow]

I think it is a lovely letter. You truly write beautifully. I didn't read your other posts so I'm not sure how long you have been in reunion - but I do have 2 20 something kids. I don't think there is anything in your letter that would hurt your daughter - but there are a lot of very raw, very honest emotions. My 20 something kids run from honest, raw emotions. They don't know how to handle it - particularly when it is heartfelt by a "mom". I wonder if giving her your feelings by the teaspoon instead of the entire load would make it easier to process. As it is, she will probably pick out some of it and focus on that and be overwhelmed by the rest.

Of course, I'm basing my opinion on my daughter and her friends. Your daughter may be very mature and you may have been in a reunion long enough to know how she will react with all that you say. I know that, even though I am probably about your age, if I had received a letter like this after my first f2f - I would have been overwhelmed. I know that my bmom feels exactly as you do - and I know that she tried to hide all of it for a long time - but it still was better coming out later and little bits at a time.

Good luck as you deal with all the emotions that reunion bring. Peace to you.

Jill

[proudmum]

Originally Posted by jrainbow

I think it is a lovely letter. You truly write beautifully. I didn't read your other posts so I'm not sure how long you have been in reunion - but I do have 2 20 something kids. I don't think there is anything in your letter that would hurt your daughter - but there are a lot of very raw, very honest emotions. My 20 something kids run from honest, raw emotions. They don't know how to handle it - particularly when it is heartfelt by a "mom". I wonder if giving her your feelings by the teaspoon instead of the entire load would make it easier to process. As it is, she will probably pick out some of it and focus on that and be overwhelmed by the rest.

Of course, I'm basing my opinion on my daughter and her friends. Your daughter may be very mature and you may have been in a reunion long enough to know how she will react with all that you say. I know that, even though I am probably about your age, if I had received a letter like this after my first f2f - I would have been overwhelmed. I know that my bmom feels exactly as you do - and I know that she tried to hide all of it for a long time - but it still was better coming out later and little bits at a time.

Good luck as you deal with all the emotions that reunion bring. Peace to you.

Jill

I have to agree with you here Jill,,, i think opening up slowly would be the best way to go,,,, i am not saying not to be honest with but imho it could just overwhelm her,,, she is probably dealing with some of her own stuff from the reunion herself,,, so i would just tread slowly with this one.

[djvj]

thanks, i agree, after re-reading the letter, which i wrote as soon as i got home from therapy. i'm just truly lost on how to have a casual type conversation with my bdaughter right now...i'm flooded with grief and don't want to avoid her, but can't really pretend everything is fine. the letter seems too formal to me - too long - i just don't know how to say it in a more light way because frankly right now the way i said it is pretty much minimizing what i'm going through.

i REALLY WISH i had done research before the reunion and realized this happens, the flood of pain for the birthmother. i simply had no idea that this would happen if the reunion went well...i'm unprepared for what is coming next and just want to dissapear, which i know is the wrong thing to do.

[proudmum]

i dont have any experience with this , but maybe you could just say that you are dealing with some unexpected emotions at the moment and to please bear with you while you deal with them,,, i suppose just be honest without revealing everything at once,,, not being dishonest at all,,,,
I feel for you ,, it must be such a confusing time,,,i hope you can find some support from someone who has gone through the same thing...
And by the way,,, both you and your daughter are just absolutely beautiful... :-)
best wishes
proudmum

[rainmon]

Most of it is very heartfelt...but I woud leave out Pharagraph 5... starting with E-
it may be a bit too overwhelming and may be a lot for someone to try to live up to....or realize....after just meeting someone. (IMO) it just feels like a lot of responsibility to shoulder for your daughter in this new reunion.
If it were me...I would leave that pharagraph out....and maybe the 6th one too....as it may put too much pressure on her to share...when she may not be ready to, or may not be able to match your emotional feelings at this time. let it be in her own time ...in her own way.
but the rest, IMO...explaining Yourself is "very" good for her to know, so she won't think that she has done something wrong....as pull-backs, even in the slightest way can sometimes be misinterpeted, and things from there can really go wrong if she feels like you have rejected her.
letting her know...that its YOU....not her, if you need some time out...or to slow things down a bit.
that is very important to convey.

[rainmon]

and just another thought...I'm not sure why you feel the need to include the a-mom in this.... this is a private emotional letter for "your daughter".....
some of the adoptees here on this forum, may want to share with you on how they would feel if "a copy" was also sent to their a-mom.

[JustPeachy]

I agree with the others in that I think you can be honest without going into so much detail. Maybe tone it down some and simply say that some unexpected emotions have arisen and you need some time to process things, but assure her that you are not going away.

I have a tendency, like you, to want to "tell all" but then wonder if it feels to the adult adoptee like we are "dumping" on them or expecting them to deal with out emotional fallout. It's a real tricky situation because you want to be honest without overwhelming.

Also realize that your emotions are running high right now. Don't make any hasty decisions at this point. Let the emotions settle a bit and you'll be in a much better position to handle this.

[shadow riderer]

I agree with the others. It's too much, too, fast for such a young person. The letter is beautiful, but had I recieved a letter like that when I reunited with my Bmom at age 23, it would have probably scared me. Now, however, at over 40, with a little maturity and understanding, I would find it beutiful and cherish it.
Rainmon has some very good suggestions. In another thread I mention how, at 23, I had so many other things to focus on when I reunited with my Bmom that the emotional aspect wasn't that much of an issue. That was just me, but look for those signs with your Bdaughter. At this particular time in her life, the focus of her life may not be your reunion. That doesn't mean it isn't important to her. Where this reunion is your focus at the moment, hers may be a number of other things, school, career, etc., just like most other young people her age. It's not a personal thing. It just may not be the intense thing it is for you right now. You will have to determine these things, but try not to take them personally. Keep in mind that she will be moving at a different pace than you emotionally.

i, also, told you in that post that I had always worried more about my Bmom's feelings. One of the reasons for that is that she, when the subject came up, was always reminding me of what a "painful time it was in her life, and those wounds just went so deep". I could empathize with her pain. I understood it wasn't an easy thing for her even before we reunited. Your letter is beautiful and heartfelt, where my Bmom used the pain and wounds to stay the victim, not that her pain wasn't real. There is a difference between your letter and what my Bmom has done, but it was her "constantly" reminding me of her pain when I would ask questions that caused me to not speak up.

IMO, but very few 23 year olds are emotionally mature enough to handle the raw emotions in your letter. I agree with the others that maybe you could soften it some...keep the honesty, but buffer it some? Also, think about saving a copy, just as it is, just for your own benefit. I have written numerous letters just like this, but never mailed them, and was glad i hadn't later. I would also encourage you not to act on such raw emotions as you are feeling at the moment. Give yourself some time to grieve. Then, read the letter again. It's hard, in reunion, not to rush and push because of the emotions. It's easy in such a high state of energy to do things you may wish you hadn't done later. Try not to let your fears control you, and cause you to anticipate things that may not be. I know, easier said than done.
IMO, I would not send it to the Adoptive parents. As someone else said, this is personal and between you and your daughter. I know it is so very hard, but try to slow down...breathe...breathe...this too will pass...try to stay focused on the positive. Sending you a big hug.

[Dickons]

I like the letter just the way it is...trying to look back at my life in my 20's and I think I would have been good with it.

Could you give her the letter next time you see her and then talk about it to make sure her understanding of what you are saying is the same as yours?

Anyway, being honest is the best way and you wrote the letter in a way that would not make your daughter feel she is responsible for your pain, you explained it brilliantly.

Take care,
Dickons

[hollyhunter]

I love the letter personally but like the others I don't feel your daughter needs to hear what you are going through. I agree with writing the letter as it is benificial to solidify your thoughts. I imagine your head is swimming with so many thoughts and emotions. your daughter will be experiencing her own reaction and will be overwhelmed also. Just don't send the whole letter. I like the last few paragraphs for your daughter. Keep the positives in her letter and the emotions are your to deal with. Don't send a copy to amom. As gracious as she sounds, I vote also it is between you and your daughter. I am so envious of your experience. I was thinking about sending this post to my daughter and her mom so they could see how wonderful reunion could be when people are friendly. I'm tired of being treated like someone with a disease.

[Stormster]

I love the letter but the part that begins with E and then until the end is really intense. I would leave that stuff out. I think the rest is beautiful.

She's 23 you don't have to show the Amom and I'm an Amom.

Oh I am sorry you're going through all this but as you wrote the end result will be worth it.

((((((hugs)))))

[djvj]

thank you, all, who have given me honest, helpful responses. i am SO glad i posted this here before sending...this is exactly what i was looking for. my therapist urged me to write/send the letter, but as great as he is, he doesn't have adoption experience, and hearing your thoughts make me realize that my own natural hesitancy was in fact right.

proudmum and jrainbow - yes, my bdaughter is 23 with a full and busy life...you responses remind me of that, and i certainly wasn't on this emotional level at 23 myself!

rainmom, peachy - i agree, too much in this letter for her at this time...i truly don't want to be the "emotional disaster" to her right now...

shadow, thank you for your advice and kind words, i always love your posts!

dickons, thanks for a different perspective

and holly - you can use/take/copy any of this if you find it helpful...i'm glad you will have an idea of what is to come BEFORE reunion...i wish i had found this site sooner!!!!

and to all: about including her amom - i feel like she will ultimately know what is best for bdaughter - bdaughter still lives at home having just finished college, and i think amom is going through natural seperation anxiety of grown child moving away for new life PLUS me entering the picture...i just want to be sensitve to her and also i really respect her opinion....but if you really think this would seem like a violation of privacy with bdaughter, i will reconsider this...

thanks again for all the GREAT responses

[RavenSong]

VJ, all the feedback you got on this thread was great! I do agree with the others about not sending the letter first to your daughter's mom. E is now 23 years old, six years older than you were when you relinquished her, a full-fledged adult, albeit a young adult.

I'm going to share something that's been mulling around my brain for years. When I first was placed into contact with my son's parents, and especially during and right after the initial reunion, I sought their approval like you wouldn't believe. I have a strange feeling that this might be a common reaction of birthmoms who relinquished their children as teenagers. The reason I think this is because reunion often tosses us emotionally right back to the age we were when we gave birth and relinquished our babies. When I relinquished my son at 17 years old, I remember wishing that his parents would adopt me too. I know that I felt like that 17-year-old girl once again when I first met my son's parents, hence I think I did a lot of approval seeking. Does that make any sense to you, or am I way off base here?

[djvj]

exactly, raven

and in my situation, her parents are the same age as my parents, and really, everything i could wish for...AND
they sort of offered to be surrogates, amom hugged me and asked if she could be grandmother to my children (i want to have children in the next few years). they kept saying i was their family and they wished they could have adopted me too....so you see, it's kind of a double issue i'm dealing with...return of a bchild PLUS the offer of an extended family. i have no contact with my own parents at all - for last 7 years. i told her parents the truth about my life during reunion (not bdaughter though), and amother had a childhood very similar to mine -- she relates a lot to my situation, which is another bond between us.

so i'm the first to admit i'm in quite a state right now. it's why i'm feeling so lost on how to not run run run away from this beautiful blessing of a reunion....and i'm just terrified i will screw this up if i do something or nothing...